To The Beginning
by quickand2thepointless
Summary: COMPLETE. A shared childhood, a slow transformation of hearts, a love deeply bound by hitsuzen. There is no question that Kurogane and Fai are meant to be together, but when tragedy strikes their village, it is all Kurogane can do to hold on to the young man who has become the center of his world. KuroFai AU, spin-off of One Soul. M for later chapters.
1. Prologue: To the Beginning

**A/N: **Hey-yo everybody! I had such a great time working on the Fai chapter of my Tsubasa fic _One Soul _that I wanted to explore the relationship of AU Fai and Kurogane a little further. For those who haven't read _One Soul_, it may help to read Chapter 4 of the fic, but it is absolutely not necessary. To briefly summarize, Tsubasa-universe Fai meets an older version of Kurogane in a new world after the mishaps of Tokyo, and learns a little bit about the life the two of them shared together in that world (based loosely on traditional Japanese/Chinese rice farmlands). This fic will give the fully story of the alternate KuroFai's history together, and will also incorporate a whole bunch of familiar faces (Yuuko, Clow, Ashura, Shashi, Watanuki, and Doumeki just to name a few). Hope everyone enjoys!

**Rating: **Early chapters are T, and later chaps will be M for sexuality, language, etc

**Spoilers: **Fai's physical appearance following Tokyo.

**Disclaimer: **My addition to the multiverse is from me, but characters and the dimensions belong to CLAMP and Yuuko.

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**Prologue: To the Beginning**

He had hoped this day would never come. Even if it was an impossible wish, it was still what he wanted over every other desire. The witch was forever repeating that the forward march of time was inevitable and that each dreaded or desired occasion would pass just as surely as any other moment, but Kurogane was quite all right with the idea of time stopping. The world could end now, for all he cared. It had done enough turning and pursuing of its tired course. It had witnessed enough death and destruction to be satisfied with itself; surely it had nothing left to offer.

But dawn came in any case, and Kurogane pulled himself out from underneath his sheets and put on his work clothes, covering his head with a faded sun hat that was a few months away from falling apart. The cupboards were nearly empty with no one but himself to stock them, but he retrieved a leftover rice cake wrapped in paper and polished it off with an indifferent lick of his lips. It tasted bland, like everything he made. Fai was the one who had given flavor, to this and to everything.

With his stomach settled, Kurogane dropped down to the floor and knelt on the cushion he had set in front of his family shrine. Portraits of his mother and father smiled at him from behind an array of flowers, and beside them, a young boy closed his eyes and smiled at thoughts he had never shared in words. At their center, a beautiful man grinned with unbearable ease, stretching his arms out to someone he had left behind, someone far beyond his reach.

Kurogane clapped his hands together and bowed his head. "Oi, it's been ten-" he began, but his voice fell short almost immediately. He shook his head. "You've been-" he tried again, but that, too, didn't work. He balled his fists.

People were beginning to move outside, finding their way to the fields of rice they farmed for hire, the endless stretch of land that had belonged first to the Reed family, and then had passed into the hands of the witch. She had been generous enough to give him the day off to spend some time at home, but he had refused, just as he did with everything she offered. He only worked for her in the first place because there was no other way to make money here, surrounded on all sides by her fields and houses. There was only one road that led away, but he could not take it as long those hands in the portrait reached out to him, holding him to the home they had made together.

"I have to go," he said, bowing his head to his tented hands. "Everything I have to say, I'll say... if I could see you again."

The face he loved smiled as it always did, hiding its shadows of pain behind the sweetness of soft, long absent laughter.

Kurogane dipped his sun hat over his eyes. It was just another day to anyone else. There was nothing inherently bad to the hours and minutes or the date on the hand drawn calendar that documented the passage of time. He was another day older, the work was beginning to wear on him, and his back ached. The past was in the past, and these were the only things that should concern him. He should retire. He should travel down the road and see where it goes.

Outside in the fields, the other workers gave him space. This was nothing new; the older he got, the more volatile his temper was, and he had lost all semblance of patience towards the fresh crop of workers popping up each season. Only a scattered few here even remembered this day ten years ago, or could recall what Fai's face looked like as he made his way through the fields, holding Kurogane's bento aloft with his pale face flushed with sunlight. Those that did bowed their heads as Kurogane passed through and began to settle into the day's work.

After an hour of mindless bending and stooping, gathering rice for the witch to sell for his wages, he straightened up and wiped his brow. The sun was steadily rising, and the water pooling around his feet did little to keep him cool. It would only get worse as the day progressed, as everything did. He would welcome some rain to keep his mind off things, to bring ripples to the water and his stagnant pool of thought.

Kurogane cupped his hand over his eyes after his face was dried. A figure was gliding down the road, wearing the same baggy farm clothes and sun hats that all the other workers wore, though his seemed out of place on his thin and lithe body. Kurogane couldn't see his eyes, but he appeared to be staring down at the road, not absently or in order to guide his feet, but with an almost single-minded anger as if he had some reason or another to resent it.

_It's him_, Kurogane thought. But it couldn't be. The voice of the witch rang in his ears. _There is one wish that cannot be granted, though all humans who have someone they cannot bear to lose desire it_. He had heard those words for so long that he could not believe what his eyes and heart were telling him. But that presence could not be denied. He had known it all his life, both gained and lost it, gone inside and explored its every crevice, and held it against his own. _It's him_. There were things that had changed inside him, but it had to be him.

The man looked up at him briefly. There was a black patch covering one eye, and the second was pale blue and narrowed. Kurogane wildly calculated in his head. He looked to be about twenty-one, give or take a few years. This was no reincarnation; the timetables didn't match up. But there was no mistaking that blue eye, the pursed lips, the resentment, the slightly curling hair, the aimless gait. His heart clenched. Fury overcame him, sweeping through his veins like fire. It had to be some kind of trick or joke, probably some wild scheme of the witch. This was a wish that didn't come true, not to him, not to anyone. It was not even his true wish; all he wanted was for his beloved to rest peacefully so that he could one day join him. Whatever this was in front of him was a perversion of his true desire, a mockery of it.

But still, the single eye froze him for a moment, drawing forth thousands of memories that reached out and grabbed him like the slender arms of the portrait, pulling him back into the lost embrace. They reawakened his mind, bringing him through different bodies and different times, dragging him to a familiar place, and then at last, back to the beginning.

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**A/N: **Thanks for reading! For anyone who has never read a multi-chap fic by me, I update regularly (once a week or every other week depending on schedule) and finish to the end everything I start. Thanks again!


	2. A Meeting with Significance

**A/N: **All right, time to get started in earnest. Most Tsubasa fans should be familiar with the characters appearing in this chapter, but some might need an explanation. Ashura (the elder), Fai's stand-in guardian in Celes, is appearing in a similar style to his _RG Veda _self who is kind and loving, but prone to going above and beyond the call of duty to prevent bad things from happening. Shashi, his wife in _RG Veda_, is ambitious, power-hungry, and invested only in herself. For Fai's mother, I had a Chii-like figure in mind since that who he designed her after, but I'm not sure how I feel about Chii and Hideki making a Fai baby, so I didn't elaborate much further. In any case, enjoy the start to a beautiful romance!

**Spoilers: **If you don't know who Yui is, spoilers (AU style) are ahead

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**One: A Meeting with Significance**

Kurogane had no memory of meeting Fai. A memory of the body, perhaps, but no memory of the mind. His mother was the one who remembered, though she had merely been a witness to the significant event which had happened to him. He never would have admitted it back when he was younger, but a part of him resented her for the ease with which she drew up the image, painting it with her words so he would be able to see it just as she did. It should have belonged to him and him alone, that particular meeting, but no matter how hard he tried to close his eyes and force the memory up from where it was buried inside him, the only thing he saw was the portrait of his mother's words, the small figure of Fai as he been before Kurogane could hold onto his memories for more than a moment at a time.

"You were only two days old," his mother would say out of the blue during those early years. "We hadn't even chosen your name yet. The Reeds were visiting the capital during that week, and there was no way to register you until they returned, so we thought it best to delay our decision and consider the matter seriously." She smiled down at him, her small lips turning up at the corners. "My first child, so precious, so beautiful. I could not put a name so easily to all the emotions that filled my heart at the sight of you."

Kurogane grumbled and flushed, loving his mother's kindness but reaching the age where he was growing embarrassed by it. He didn't really want her to stop speaking. As much as he disliked her ownership of his memory, he loved the memory itself, even before he could even comprehend the thousands of reasons why.

"I was still recovering in bed when his mother knocked on the door with her hands full of food for our family," she continued. "The twins were two years old then, still fussy and causing trouble faster than you could move a muscle. Or perhaps I should say that Fai alone was the center of any mischief. Yui was quiet and gentle, but was always drawn into Fai's little schemes. Much as he is now." His mother laughed to herself, her eyes returning briefly to this present moment. "As soon as your father opened the door, Fai scampered in and jumped into bed beside us. I was afraid for a moment that he wouldn't understand you were only a baby and would be rough with you, but he was as sweet as an angel when he looked your face. He smoothed your tufts of hair and kissed you on the forehead, then looked right into my eyes and said the word _kuro_. I think he was referring to the color of your hair, but he said it with such firmness that I knew that he had found the name I was looking for. I'm sure your father felt it, too. When they asked what your name was, he proudly introduced you as _Kurogane_, his beloved son."

"And that idiot has never remembered that it's _Kurogane _ever since."

His mother smiled. "There are many ways of showing affection, some more direct than others. _Kuro _was the name he chose for you, and it is the name that holds power for him. Surely you understand the reason why he continues to call you by a name no else knows you by."

But Kurogane was young, then. He was only just beginning to learn, only just beginning to wonder who he was and why he was a part of the world.

"There is significance," his mother said, brushing her fingers through Kurogane's black hair, "to every meeting we have. And every parting, too. Significance behind every word and every gesture, and in the ways we say _hello _and _goodbye_. It may not always be clear what that significance is, but that does not mean these moments are meaningless. You will understand that one day. Sometimes it will hurt just as much to gain something as it will be to lose something. But it is important to remember that these things _must happen_."

She leaned back in her chair and gazed out the window and into the fields where his father was working in the midday sun. Kurogane shielded his eyes. The rice fields seemed endless in that direction, a tapestry of rippling gray-blue with tufts of green and the bodies of workers rising from it. He turned his gaze to the other window, the one that overlooked the road, the only path that had been built in that part of the country. Two boys bathed in sunlight were waiting for him there, their blue eyes peering into the window to where he was sitting on the floor beside his mother's feet.

_Was there significance in even that?_

Fai raised his hand and waved, gesturing for him to come outside and join them. Kurogane couldn't remember a time before those eyes, that pale, thin hand were a part of his existence as a human being, and perhaps that was why his body did not let him have that memory of the beginning. It had happened to him in a fleeting moment, but the result of that moment, what really mattered, had lingered and remained for the rest of his life.

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Kurogane's first memory of Fai was from when he was two years old. It was hazy at best, and there was a chance that he had embellished it in his mind over the years. He could remember the twins, four years old and twice his size, helping him build a castle out of blocks on the floor of their mudbrick house. Their mother was sitting on a nearby chair, gazing down at them with eyes that did not seem to see them. She had been sick, his father explained when Kurogane was older. Her husband had died not long after the birth of the twins, and she had suffered from it quietly every year since. _A parting with significance_, his mother would say. As much as she tried to be strong for Fai and Yui, something in her had broken when the man she loved had died. It was only a year later that she followed him in death, leaving the twins orphans in that lonely village.

After they had used up all their blocks on the castle, Fai crawled underneath his mother's white lacy skirts and poked his head out from the hem, wrapping the fabric around his hair like a veil. His family was from the north and wore a foreign style which appeared odd even to Kurogane's inexperienced eyes. On Fai, the layers upon layers of ruffles looked even more silly as they overwhelmed his small body, shrouding his blonde hair in a waterfall of white.

"Look at me," Fai said.

Kurogane could not remember if he had added anything else or whether or not the words had been directed at him or at Yui or both. The one thing that was perfectly clear about the memory was the pale blue eyes he had gazed into, wide and framed by long lashes that would only grow longer with time. _Look at me. _

He had looked, just as he had been asked. The problem was that from then on he had never been able to stop.

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He hadn't even liked Fai back then. That was what he told himself, at least. When he was two years old, Fai and Yui were familiar faces that sometimes played with him, sometimes kindly, sometimes too rough for someone his age. A year later, when their mother died, they were quieter and more distant. They cried a lot, which made Kurogane feel sick to his stomach. Their beautiful eyes and skin turned puffy and red, and they looked so lost and small even though they were older than him. He didn't understand death, but could witness their grief over the words _she can't come back_ and comprehend that these were sad words for them. But he didn't see them too often that year. The house they had once lived in was sold, and the twins were moved to the home of an older cousin, Ashura. Though the house was closer to Kurogane's than their old one had been, Ashura's solemn aura only seemed to heighten the twins' misery, and Kurogane didn't feel comfortable being at the center of all their negative emotions.

By the time the twins recovered and started visiting him again, he was old enough to that decide for himself that he didn't like Fai. It was opinion he had every right to, he felt. He hadn't been born with his mother's endless patience or his father's relaxed demeanor, and there was only so much of the slight blonde trailing after him chanting _Kuro-chan, Kuro-chan _that he could take. At least when Yui followed Fai following him around, he was _quiet _about it.

"Nee, Yui," Fai said the first time Ashura had brought them around to see Kurogane's family. "Looks like Kuro-chan's grown taller than us. Let's ask if he can carry us around on his back!"

"It's _Kurogane. _And don't get any stupid ideas."

Fai giggled and rested his head on Kurogane's shoulder. Since Kurogane had seen him last, his blonde hair had grown longer and was beginning to curl at the ends. Though he was shorter than Kurogane, his body was lanky, his legs and arms long and thin and oddly flexible in their movements.

"Did you miss us Kuro-chan?" Fai asked, his hot breath burning Kurogane's cheek. "We didn't mean to be gone for so long. It was just that Ashura-oniisan had to get married, and we needed to be around to help."

"Married?" Kurogane hadn't heard anything about it. Usually the entire village was invited to attend ceremonies, or at the very least his mother was present to prepare the shrine and see that the rituals were completed properly.

"Shashi-oneesan is from another village," Yui explained. "Her family wanted the ceremony to take place in their own shrine before she moved to be with Ashura-oniisan."

"Shashi-oneesan is an absolute beast," Fai whispered. "No one likes her. Not even Ashura-oniisan. It was an _arranged _marriage."

"Why?" Kurogane asked. "No one here has any money."

"Shashi-oneesan is a miko, like your mother. Everyone thought it was a good match." Fai gave Kurogane a poke on the cheek and sprawled out on the floor. "I wouldn't marry someone like her for all the honor in the world. I'm going to marry _you_, Kurorin."

"You better be joking."

"And what if I'm not?" He laughed and fluttered his eyelashes. "What about you, Yui?"

"I won't fall in love here." Yui smiled down at his hands, seeming to dwell over some private knowledge that he did not feel compelled to share.

"Somewhere else, then? Maybe you'll go back to our hometown in the north and meet someone there."

"Yes. Somewhere else."

Kurogane tilted his head. He was well aware of how he felt about Fai- or how he claimed he felt- but he never knew what to make Yui. Kurogane wasn't bothered by him, but he seemed to occupy a different space than Fai. They looked so similar, but while Fai was grounded in the moment, bursting with energy and demanding to be heard, Yui appeared to be focused on some other time no matter where he was, lost in either the future or past or another existence altogether. Whatever thoughts occupied his mind he kept to himself, unless he confided them privately to Fai outside of Kurogane's knowing.

"Well, Kurorin is enough for me." Fai rolled on the floor and latched onto Kurogane's ankle. "I'd make a beautiful bride, wouldn't I?"

"You're a boy," Kurogane reminded him, though he'd remembered the image of Fai wrapped his mother's skirts, draped in white.

"Anyone can be a bride if they have someone they love that they want to look lovely for."

"Except you aren't lovely."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not. You smile too much."

"Kuro-chan makes me happy!"

"Liar."

"It is never wise deny the future, especially when the future is still uncertain," a voice came from the doorframe. A tall, dark haired woman in a long red kimono was standing there, a thin pipe dangling from her fingers. "Where is your mother, little one?"

"Who are you?"

"What will you do with my name, when you have it? I am a teller of fortunes, child. Perhaps that is all you need to know." She took a drag of her pipe and sighed a slow stream of sweet smelling smoke. "Your landlord hired me to help your mother at the shrine. I hear she is gifted in religious ritual, but does not choose to engage in divination."

"She has enough to do without adding to it."

"And that, of course, is why I'm here." She knelt down and pressed her hands against Kurogane's jaws. "You are lacking your mother's gentility, but perhaps there is some hope for you. Your soul has the potential of strength, if you learn to look for it in the right places. Continue to resist, on the other hand, and you may realize what you are looking for too late."

"What is Kurorin looking for?" Fai asked, leaning closer.

The woman's eyes fell on Fai and seemed to darken for a moment, although it could have been just the effect of shadows passing the room. "It is not your place to ask, child. You will influence his actions, but if his actions do not come from his own wants, they will be meaningless. You need only worry about what you are looking for." She pressed closer to him, studying his eyes as if written in them was the story of Fai's past, present, and future. "But what trouble does one who believes he is happy have in finding happiness? Those who foster light in their hearts must always be wary of having it put out. Abandon your true desire, and there is every chance that it will abandon you. Everything has a price. Even grief. Even happiness."

Kurogane tried to push her away from Fai, and the witch rose to her feet with a laugh. She took Yui's small hands in hers and squeezed them gently. "Where is the priestess, child? Do you know?"

"V-visiting the neighbors," Yui said, his eyes widening. "They're having a baby."

The woman smiled. "Do not fear to speak, my child. A quiet voice is still beautiful." She paused for a moment and pursed her lips. "But a baby, you say? A boy. Yes, I see. When Clow inherits the Reed family manor, he will need someone to pick up after him. This one will have to do."

"What are you talking about, Witch-san?" Fai had crept up against the woman's leg, admiring the butterflies on her kimono.

"Witch-san. I see that perhaps giving a name would be of use to me. You may call me Yuuko, little Fai. And I am only speaking of the future."

With one last puff of her pipe, she nodded to Kurogane and left just as quietly as she had arrived.

"The future," Fai murmured. "It's not yet certain."

"Sounded fishy to me," Kurogane huffed.

"Is Kuro-chan grumpy because Yuuko-san knew secret things about him?"

"Oh, hush." He crossed his arms and scowled. "By the way, how did she know your name?"

"She did? Maybe she knows Ashura-oniisan. Or maybe it's magic!"

"Magic," Kurogane scoffed, but he could not help but wonder what the witch's knowing expression and cryptic words meant. _Abandon your true desire, and there is every chance that it will abandon you_. What was going to happen to Fai? And why was she, a dark stranger who hadn't even wanted to give her name, the only one who knew?

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	3. Pool of Time

******A/N: **Thank you for everyone who has reviewed/read/followed so far. I hope you all continue to enjoy as our story progresses and both Kurogane and Fai grow up a little! There are no spoilers this time, but two new yet familiar characters are showing up: Haruka and Shizuka Doumeki from _xxxHolic_!

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**Two: Pool of Time**

After they had met the witch, she'd moved into the Reed family manor and set up a small fortune telling business in the guest room. Whenever anyone passed through to do business with the Reeds, they would stop by and receive her cryptic advice for a small price or an exchange of favors. The whole village welcomed her with open arms. She was an odd woman and spiritually beyond anything they were used to, but there was no denying that her knowledge was valuable and her presence beneficial to the village. Her words gave comfort to nearly everyone. Those looking for love were given the direction they required, and even those who received hard news were glad for the chance to find new ways to make it through their times of trouble.

Kurogane still didn't like her, but his opinion mattered to no one. Yuuko had the support of everyone important in the village from the Reeds to the leaders of the Shinto shrine, including Kurogane's mother and the head priest, Haruka-san. Even Fai loved to visit her whenever they had the chance, although his fascination seemed to be more with her collection of kimono than the woman herself.

"Look at this, Kurorin," Fai said, pulling out a blue kimono decorated with white and red blossoms along the neckline. "How long do you think it would take to make something like this?"

"As if I know anything about women's clothes!" Kurogane lifted one of the sleeves and sniffed it. "It smells like _her._"

"What's wrong with how Yuuko-san smells?"

"It's like she took a bath in incense, then dried off with an incense scented towel. Does she want everyone around her to start gagging? And what's wrong with just using a little bit of lavender soap?"

"Lavender soap? So at least Kuro-chan thinks _I _smell good."

Kurogane blinked. Now that Fai mentioned it, he did smell faintly of lavender. Kurogane's mother scented their soap cakes with sandalwood oil, but Fai and Yui carried a different aroma, one that was sweeter and more alluring to Kurogane's sense of scent. He felt a bit sheepish at having admitted this preference to Fai himself, but Fai had shifted his focus back to Yuuko's kimono, running his fingers over the fabric as if reading a secret story woven inside it.

"Do you ever wonder," he said after a long silence between them, "what would have happened if we hadn't been born here?"

Kurogane shrugged. "Not really. And you weren't even born here to begin with."

"I know. But I don't remember my birthplace. I may as well have lived here all my life for all it matters." Fai's forehead creased. "But do you want to be rice farmer? That's the only thing you can be in this place. Unless you can get work at the temple or move to the city, there's _nothing _here."

"Nothing?" Kurogane lifted an eyebrow. "Really."

Fai flushed. "I mean, there's you. And Yui. But... the rice."

"There's a whole lot of it, huh."

"And it needs to be farmed. Maybe we were born into the world just for that." His voice had suddenly turned cold, his typical effervescence lost in his line of thought.

Kurogane shook his head. For all of Fai's moments of joy, there were moments like these where he seemed to be sucked of all his positive energy. Maybe this was the "price" Yuuko was always eluding to. Maybe Fai could only smile on all of his other days for the price of a day like today, when all he could do was indulge in sadness.

"Could you stop moping?" Kurogane said nonetheless. "My father is a rice farmer, but that doesn't mean that's his whole life. You have to do what you can to put food on the table, and then do what you want with the time that's left."

"Is that what you want though, Kuro-chan? To be a rice farmer?"

"I don't see why not. I can handle physical labor."

"Yes, yes you can." Fai sighed and traced a petal of one of the kimono's flowers with his fingers. "But what about me?"

"Didn't you want to be a bride, or something?"

"But what will I do all day when my Kuro-chi is out working in the fields?"

Kurogane rapped his knuckles against Fai's forehead. "Cut it out with that joke. And whatever you want to do, that's what you should do. You don't have to ask me as if I'm the one with the answer you're looking for."

Fai smiled and placed the kimono back into Yuuko's wardrobe. "It doesn't matter, anyways. We are young. We don't have to decide right now."

"'We are young'," Yuuko's voice echoed from somewhere outside. Kurogane and Fai turned to look at the window. The witch was half-outside, with one leg on the ground and the other poking through the window, her robes slitting open to expose her bare flesh. "So often I have heard that from mouths like yours, and still the endless pool of time you think you have dries up. Time spent waiting is still time, and you will not get it back."

"Don't just come in through the window!" Kurogane yelled, instinctively shielding Fai's eyes from the sight of a disheveled Yuuko. "It's rude."

"Rude? Rude to who? This house is not yours, and the Reeds aren't bothered by how I choose to use my chambers." She slid the rest of the way into the room and readjusted her robes. "Do you enjoy my kimono, Fai-kun?"

Fai ducked underneath the hand Kurogane was still holding over his eyes. "They're well made and very beautiful."

"Yes, and their making was a long and arduous process with its own share of challenges. Much like farming rice, one would say." She paused, fishing around for one of her pipes. "Your brother was looking for the both of you."

"Is he still outside?"

"He's at the shrine. If you wish to leave and see him, go through the window. The creep has guests in the main hall."

"No way," Kurogane grumbled, but Fai snatched up his hand and yanked him through in any case. Yuuko watched them go, as impassive as ever, but as with every time they saw her, Kurogane had the feeling that she had imparted something to them which they would have to pay for later.

It was a summer afternoon, and the air was humid and suffocating as he breathed it into his lungs. His skin was already dampening with the heat, and Fai's hands felt suddenly slippery in his. It was too warm to be touching like this, but he didn't want to let go just then. Fai would comment if he made a fuss about their holding hands, and Kurogane didn't want to talk about it or defend himself when it was inevitable that Fai would win wherever he could twist words to his advantage.

"How can that witch go around calling people creeps when she's the biggest creep in the entire village?" Kurogane said instead. He'd only interacted with Clow Reed a handful of times, and hadn't found anything particularly offensive about him other than his tendency to be just as abstruse as Yuuko.

"It takes one know one, doesn't it?"

Fai mood seemed to lighten now that they were outside and on the path, where all directions were certain. He was smiling at Kurogane, and the lightness of it seemed to reach his eyes, which tended to show more accurately what he was feeling. "Nee, Kuro-chan?" he said, wiggling the fingers laced together with Kurogane's. "Can I keep holding onto your hand?"

"No."

"I'm going to, anyways." He raised his face to the overbearing sun, his fair cheeks flushing red in the heat. "Do you know what I worry about?"

"Other than what work you will do in the future?"

"I worry about Yui."

Kurogane said nothing, waiting for Fai to elaborate. Fai's voice was not as cold as it had been during their earlier conversation, but wherever Yui was concerned, he was always more serious than he appeared.

"This is the first time he's been out in so long. Shashi-oneesan needs someone to keep her company when Ashura-oniisan is in the fields, and Yui will always volunteer, even when it's my turn. He won't do anything for himself anymore."

"He is better at dealing with her than you are."

"But he deserves a life, too. Maybe even more than me. He's a good person."

"And you aren't?"

"Do you think I am, Kuro-chan?"

"You're just you, and nothing else."

"Hmm." Fai squeezed Kurogane's hand, but not to the point where the other boy would be mad enough to let go. "But I think Yui is more than just being Yui. He is good. No matter what, he will always do the best thing for everyone before he will do the best thing for just him."

Kurogane didn't think that sounded _good_ at all, at least not for Yui, but Fai already worried about Yui enough without Kurogane's muddying the waters further.

Yui was waiting for them on the steps of the shrine with Haruka-san when they arrived. Haruka's grandson, Shizuka, was sleeping with his head resting in Yui's lap, his heavy-lidded eyes briefly opening as they drew closer, but closing once again as sleep lulled him back to stillness. He was growing bigger, even though Kurogane could still vaguely remember the day he was born. Perhaps Yuuko was right; the pool of time they thought they had was drying up. They were all still children, but it was not going to last much longer.

"Kurogane-kun and Fai-kun," Haruka-san said, reaching out to ruffle their hair. "Still together, I see."

"It's not because I want to!" Kurogane said immediately, but Haruka-san merely laughed, his eyes straying to their linked hands. Kurogane finally disentangled himself, ignoring Fai's pointed smirk. He would hear about this later.

"How are you, Kurogane-kun?" Yui asked. He'd never picked up Fai's habit of calling him by pet names, which Kurogane was thankful for. Already, Fai was tiring of his standard "Kuro-chan," and was beginning to invent new obnoxious ways of calling him.

"I've spent the whole day with your idiotic brother staring at the witch's kimono," Kurogane answered. "How do you _think _I'm doing?"

"You must be doing very well, then." Yui managed to say this with such a sincere smile that Kurogane was forced to believe he wasn't joking. "Please continue to look after Fai."

"You know, you could come if you wanted. I'm sure you'd get more out of it than I do."

"But who would look after Shashi-oneesan?"

"You don't even like Shashi-oneesan," Fai reminded him.

"I feel sorry for her. She is a person who wants something she doesn't have."

"A baby," Fai whispered for Kurogane's benefit. "Ashura-oniisan doesn't like doing the baby-making thing with Shashi-oneesan."

"Now, now," Haruka-san said, giving Fai a gentle flick on the forehead. "Kurogane-kun's a little young to hear gossip about that. And you shouldn't be gossiping in the first place. Shashi-san made a substantial transition coming to this village, and is probably still feeling homesick. You should show the understanding that your brother does."

"See?" Fai said, poking Kurogane in the ribs. "Even Haruka-san knows Yui's a better person than me."

Kurogane still wasn't convinced by this tidy explanation of one being better than the other. It was true that very few things made Yui visibly unhappy, and he was rarely seen without his smile of contentment, which, unlike his twin's, always reached both his lips and his eyes. But Kurogane had often wondered if Yui would really be so happy if he was pulled out of whatever world he belonged to in his head and was forced to dwell upon the true reality of his life. He was alive, healthy, and taken care of, but seemed to be living with a purpose that had nothing to do with himself or the individual life he wanted. Perhaps the world needed its store of entirely selfless people, but as an advocate for selfishness, Kurogane worried that Yui's self-sacrifice would only end up hurting Fai.

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing on the shrine's grounds, watched over by Haruka-san and then Kurogane's mother when she emerged from her duties. When it reached late afternoon, Yui left to bring Ashura in from the fields, and Kurogane headed home with his mother to prepare dinner for his father. Fai tailed after him as he always seemed to do those days, and Kurogane's mother went ahead to give them some space as they talked.

"Can I hold your hand again, Kuro-tan?" Fai asked once they were out of earshot. He laughed as he asked, and Kurogane knew this was the teasing he had earned for allowing Fai to touch him in the first place.

"No."

"Really? You seemed okay with holding it an awfully long time earlier."

"You would have made a big deal out of it no matter how long I held it."

"I see. So you decided to enjoy holding it for longer since you were going to be teased no matter what." Instead of taking Kurogane's hand, Fai grabbed Kurogane's arm and wrapped himself around it. "I like holding Kuro-tan, too."

"This joke..."

Fai was quiet for a moment, and he ducked his face into Kurogane's arm so his expression wasn't visible. "I may be young now," he whispered. "But I won't always be. And I won't always let you call it a joke."

"You'll have changed your mind by then."

Fai shook his head. "You'll see. When the time comes, you won't want me to change my mind."

He stood on the tips of his toes and pressed his lips against Kurogane's cheek. Before Kurogane could push him away, Fai had already darted away with a laugh, heading towards his own house.

Kurogane pressed his hand against the spot Fai's lips had touched and sighed. Once again, he knew that he would be hearing about this later. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a few years down the road. But whatever it was, a joke or not, it was far from over.

0o0o0o0o0o0o


	4. Change of Season

**A/N: **Welcome back! KuroFai is growing a little bit older, and the time may be coming for Kurogane to start taking Fai's feelings seriously. Will his famous pride get in the way or will something beautiful unfold! Thanks for the support and reviews thus far, and I hope you continue to enjoy.

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**Three: Change of Season**

It wasn't until he was thirteen that Kurogane began to question his claims that he did not like Fai. Nothing much had changed about Fai himself to lead to this conclusion, other than a growth spurt and a greater ease in his long and tall frame. Beyond the physical shifts that came with becoming a young adult, Fai was still very much the Fai he always was. He still gave Kurogane stupid nicknames, followed him around with dogged persistence, and insisted on pretending that he was Kurogane's bride-to-be.

Nothing much had changed about Kurogane, either. He was still who he had always understood himself to be. His temper, his desire to live based on his wants, and his physical ability may have each developed, but they were built on foundations that had present since his birth. Rather, it felt like he was finally acknowledging something that had always been there. The emotion he had labeled as dislike when he was younger had been something else all along, and he had willfully chosen to misread it. What it was in exact terms was still uncertain, but he had a greater awareness of it now. There was an emotion inside of himself he wasn't being honest with, and as time passed, it would grow more and more pressing to confront it.

What _had _changed was the atmosphere of the village itself. Yuuko's presence had brought about a transition, like the gradual shift between seasons. The village had always been a spiritual place, a place steeped in tradition and a sense of duty to a greater happiness, but there had never before been such a feeling of purpose as there was when Yuuko spoke. She knew the world in a different way than anyone else had ever thought of it. Where everyone else simply saw groups of people living and working, she saw billions of threads of connection and the many ways every action or choice disturbed these threads. The price and meaning of living suddenly seemed more important. The people of the village were driven closer together the more they dwelled upon the world around them as Yuuko saw it. There were more weddings and more children, and the rice fields thrived as the farmers began to assign more weight to their profession.

Whenever spring came, Yuuko would host an outdoor picnic for flower viewing beneath the sakura trees. All workers were excused from duties in the afternoon, and Clow Reed would purchase special foods and drinks from the city to distribute among the people. Sometimes there would be special performances following the meal, or lovers and friends would disperse and wander among the trees together. It was one of the few areas in the village not occupied by either rice fields or houses, and it was viewed as romantic by the youths of the village who had little at their disposal for meeting and talking in a place ruled by rice and divided by a single path.

The year Kurogane turned thirteen, Yuuko presided over the festivities alongside Clow Reed, her long black hair bound into an elaborate bun and her body dressed in a pale purple kimono. Though the whole event was a product of her generosity, she still could not help acting like a depraved empress surrounded by her admirers. Hardly a minute went by without her forcing the young Watanuki boy to fetch her sake or Yui to arrange a platter of food for her. Even Clow held a patterned parasol over her head to shield her from the sun, though he seemed more content to be at her service than both Watanuki and Yui.

Fai had arrived alongside Yui, Ashura, and Shashi, but immediately left to seek out Kurogane as soon as their blanket was set up and Shashi was settled in. She was newly pregnant and as volatile as ever, but for once she appeared at ease as she watched the sakura blooming above her. Ashura simply looked troubled, and stared at her slightly swollen belly as if he was certain she was going to burst at any moment.

"Kuro-mun, how do I look?" Fai asked as soon as he met up with Kurogane. He was wearing a pair of light blue robes that looked homemade, but fitted him nicely and were cleanly styled. A matching pin was fixed to his hair, holding his long bangs away from his forehead.

"Did you make those?"

"Ashura-oniisan bought me fabric from a traveling merchant. I had a hard time working with it at first, but I think I got the hang of it at the end." He placed his hands on his hips and swiveled to the side flirtatiously to show off his work. A group of nearby girls giggled and gazed at him from the corner of their eyes.

"You look..." Kurogane trailed off. There was no way to say it. If he told the truth of how nicely the garment fit against his slim waist and lanky body, Fai would never let him hear the end of it, but if he seemed too indifferent, Fai would take it as an insult to his handiwork and have his feelings hurt. Kurogane was usually a proponent for honesty, but when Fai was concerned, there was rarely an easy route to follow. He stayed silent, bunching his eyebrows together.

"Excuse me," came a quiet voice. A young woman was standing behind Kurogane, peering at Fai. She looked to be about the same age as the twins, though she was a great deal smaller, only reaching to Fai's belly. Kurogane somewhat remembered her as one of the neighbors of the Doumeki family, but could not remember her name or anything else about her.

"Yes?"

"I just wanted to say that I think you look wonderful today, Fai-kun. I-if you don't mind me saying so."

Fai smiled and winked, which only made the girl blush a deep red and run back to her friends. As soon she sat down among them, they all began whispering and collapsing into giggles as she covered her red cheeks with trembling hands.

"If only everyone was so forthcoming," Fai sighed, granting Kurogane a slight smile. Kurogane snorted and folded his hands across his chest.

Those sorts of interactions had been happening too often. Perhaps it was because the young women of the village were at that age, and both Fai and Yui had also reached it before any of the other younger boys had. They were fifteen now, beautiful and pleasant to be around, and Fai exuded charm while Yui presented a quiet yet dignified challenge. It was inevitable they would attract interest. A few years down the line, and Kurogane would, too. It was the way things were, but he didn't have to enjoy the person Fai became for the girls who admired him, cheery and equally kind enough to give those who approached him hope.

The two of them wandered over to where Yuuko was relaxing underneath the trees with Clow, her cheeks already flushed from her tall bottle of sake. She and Clow were occupied with an intense conversation, but they broke it off the moment Fai and Kurogane were in ear shot and went back to sipping their drinks. Yuuko produced two small cups and set them on the blanket, and lifted up a still full bottle of sake to wave back and forth in the air.

"Yoo-hoo, Watanuki," she called. "Pour some drinks for our guests."

Watanuki stumbled over, his face flushed and exhausted, and his damp hair pulled away from his forehead by a kerchief. He looked about ready to yell at Yuuko, but he was too out of breath to say anything other than a jumble of incoherent insults.

"I don't need an eight year old to do anything for me," Kurogane protested, taking the bottle of sake for himself. "He's too young to be handling alcohol."

"Speaking of too young, a thirteen year-old boy shouldn't be handling it either." Clow removed the bottle from Kurogane's hands. "Fai-kun can have just a little."

"How dull," Yuuko sighed, but she allowed Clow to pour Fai a small serving, which he quickly polished off with a slight wince and smack of his lips.

Shizuka Doumeki, who had seemingly appeared out of nowhere, began to yank on Watanuki's collar. "I want katsuo dashi."

"GET IT YOURSELF!" Watanuki shrieked, whacking him on the arm with a ladle. Yuuko began to snicker, while Clow relieved Watanuki of his dangerous weapon and ruffled his hair.

"Everyone is so lively today," Yuuko said with a pleased smile. "You know what they say of spring, yes? It is a season of beginning. Perhaps we shall witness a few beginnings this afternoon. What do you think, Fai-kun?"

"I think you're being vague." Fai reached over to grab the hem of her kimono and studied it. "You bought a new one, I see."

"Yes. I did not wish to offend anyone by repeating what I wore last year."

"Where do you find the money to afford this kind of fabric? You only see this quality of silk worn in the city."

"When one is owed favors, one does not always need to give money as compensation for services given." She studied Fai's own garment. "Perhaps one day if you are able to show some sort of generosity of your own, fabric like this will fall into your hands. Or perhaps an action you are already thinking of taking will yield more than you imagine it will."

"If you're not going to say anything of use to anybody, can't you just shut up?" Kurogane wondered.

"Oh-ho? Kurogane-kun still being rude? Perhaps I was hoping too much when I spoke of new beginnings." Yuuko's eyes fixed on Kurogane and then traveled to Fai, her lips sliding upwards with a mischievous quirk. "Since I am too _vague _and _useless_ for the taste of these young men, I could always address the matter bluntly. Fai-kun, if you wish for fabric of your own to work with, you need not ask further than the young ladies present at this picnic. I am sure a good number of them would be happy to be relieved of their kimono if you are the one who is asking."

Fai released an off-note laugh. "W-why do you need to say something like that, Yuuko-san? It's not nice to make fun of me in front of everyone."

"Isn't it? Helping one become aware of the consequences of their actions is not an unkindness. Tell me, do you think the girls who approach you are not giving something that has a price? Affection carries a heavy weight, one that you should be familiar with from what you carry in your own heart. And given that each time you receive their affection you give them your encouraging kindness in return, one can only assume that you are prepared to pay the later price of that encouragement with the natural next step." She trailed a finger around the rim of her glass. "If you are serious about your interest in kimono, then you will have all the fabric you need from every heart you encouraged, as long as you are willing to give them yourself in exchange. That is the path you have started. Why bother considering any other course of action when you have already acted enough?"

After her little speech was finished, Fai and Yui both turned a fevered pink, while Clow shook his head and sighed Yuuko's name in a troubled voice. Kurogane squeezed the empty cup in his hands until it shattered with a decisive snap into pieces in his fist. The glass pricked his tightened palm, and blood dripped from his skin and spotted the blanket beneath it. At first, he did not feel any pain or even see that he had broken his skin open with glass of the cup. All he was aware of was the blinding, intense anger welling up inside of him and the deadpan face of Yuuko as she gazed at him. What he felt at that moment was at last _dislike_. The annoyance he had once thought he felt towards Fai had nothing to do with the strength of his bitterness towards Yuuko and her dagger-like words.

"Don't touch the glass," Yui yelled, but Fai was there faster, overturning Kurogane's hand so the pieces fell into a neat pile on Yuuko's blanket. He pulled the kerchief from Watanuki's head and wrapped it around Kurogane's cuts, putting pressure on his hand to cut off the bleeding.

"Please be more careful," Fai said quietly. "You could have ended up with glass stuck in your skin."

"Yuuko-san, please do not provoke my brother and Kurogane-san," Yui added, looking uncharacteristically upset. "Insinuating things like that, especially in front of children, isn't polite."

"Provoke?" Yuuko echoed, lifting an eyebrow. "I merely spoke words, and they chose to react."

Everyone fell silent for a moment. Yuuko sipped her sake, Clow gazed at her with a look between confusion and understanding, and Yui shuffled back and forth on his feet and shrank against the trunk of the sakura tree. Watanuki sniffled a little when he saw the spots of blood appearing on his kerchief, but Doumeki covered his eyes, quietly advising him not to worry. Fai and Kurogane simply stared at each other, saying nothing, but allowing silent questions to pass between them.

_There is s__ignificance behind every word and every gesture, and in the ways we say hello and goodbye, _Kurogane reminded himself. _But what if you don't understand what that significance is_? _What happens next?_

Fai cleared his throat and then extended a hand to Kurogane. "I want to walk," he said, his voice more terse than Kurogane had ever heard it. "Come. Let's see the trees."

Kurogane did not accept Fai's hand, but rose to his feet and followed him further into the grove, away from the main bulk of the guests and into the area where scattered men and women walked together, speaking in low whispers and gazing with longing eyes at the soft pink flowers unfolding on the branches.

"It wasn't fair, what she said," Fai murmured when they were away from Yuuko and the others. "It isn't like that."

"You act like it is, half the time."

"Yes, I _act. _What does it matter if I'm nice to the girls who show kindness to me? They don't know who I am, and I don't know who they are, and it doesn't have to mean anything more than what it is on the surface. If they want that moment they can smile about and share with their friends, what does it matter if I give it to them? It doesn't mean anything. Not like this." He looked at Kurogane's hand and grimaced.

"Maybe not to you, but to everyone else it might," Kurogane said. "But I don't want to say any more about it. It doesn't have anything to do with me."

It couldn't possibly. As he looked at the faces of the men circling themselves around their women, he saw nothing of himself in their completely tender and melting faces. This was a world he was not meant to be a part of, a world of emotion on display that was pure and straightforward and peaceful. Whatever he felt for Fai, whatever that unknown emotion that plagued his heart was, it was far from being peaceful.

"It doesn't have anything to do with you? Then why did you get upset?" Fai asked. He clenched one of his fists and turned away from Kurogane, directing his attention to one of the trees towering above him. "If it doesn't have anything to do with you, why bother reacting?"

"I... did not like her saying those things about you."

"Why?"

"You're right about what you said earlier. About you acting. That isn't really you, or at least not the you who you really are. And I didn't want her to confuse the issue by leading you to think that she knows more about the person you are than you do. You are the one who chooses what happens next. You don't _have _to do anything or atone for whatever mistakes you've made. Maybe you should, but if you do, let it be because you chose to do it."

"I wasn't the one she was teasing. It was you." Fai paused for a moment and shook his head. "Or maybe it _was _me. She knows how I feel about Kuro-pon, and wanted me to see your reaction. But how am I supposed to know what anything means anymore?" He rested his forehead against the tree trunk. "Kurorin?"

"It's _Kurogane_. And what do you want?"

"We're old enough now. It can't be just a joke anymore."

"Eh?"

Fai turned around slowly. His eyes were a bit damp, and there was an odd look on his face as if some sort of internal battle was being waged. He took a few steps forwards and placed his hands on Kurogane's forearms. "Please," he whispered. "Just let me..."

Kurogane remained still as Fai leaned forward and without warning joined their lips together. He couldn't think of anything at first, or even process how he felt. Fai's breath tasted of sake, and his lips were moist and surprisingly heated. And as soon as he realized those sensations, new ones appeared. A rough, kittenish tongue brushed against his lips as small, desperate noises came from the back of Fai's throat and reverberated through where their skin was connected. Hands were grasping at his shirt, and his own hands had lifted in the air without his telling them to, hovering near the area of Fai's waist without touching him.

It wasn't until Fai actually pulled away that he thought of the word 'kiss' and was aware that he had just taken part in one, his very first. Fai backed away slowly as Kurogane considered this information and tried to figure out what it meant. Was Fai really in love with him? And if so, did the fact that he had somewhat enjoyed being kissed mean that he was consequently in love with Fai? Or did kissing feel good no matter who you did it with? Did Fai expect him to be angry, and should he be? Was the thing burning in his body anger, or something else?

"If you don't know what to say," Fai said, bowing his head, "then please don't say anything until you know. At least, don't say anything that would hurt me if you don't want to see me hurt."

"Then why did you...?"

"Because I know for sure, now. And I wanted you to know that if you ever feel yourself ready, I am, too." Fai laughed to himself. "Although perhaps I was wrong. You're two years younger than me. This is too soon for you. But Yuuko-san said..."

"Do we really need to talk about what that witch said?"

"She said that what I was thinking of doing would yield more than I thought it would," Fai persisted. "But it doesn't need to happen right now. I just have one thing to ask of you."

"What?"

"Until you have an answer for me, I don't want you to feel you have to behave differently with me. What I feel has always been a part of me. Nothing has really changed."

Kurogane shook his head and swallowed. This time Fai was wrong. Something _had _ changed. Perhaps not Kurogane or Fai individually, but something about the two of the them together and the way they would have to interact in the future had shattered and reformed. There could be no more dismissing Fai's feelings by claiming that he was joking, and no more fantasizing about brides and grooms without greater consequence. This was by no means the beginning of their story, but perhaps it was a second starting point. Even the things that did not seem as if they would ever change could not stay as they once had now that Fai had opened a path to a new ending awaiting Kurogane's choice. A decision would have to be made, and no matter what Fai said, their relationship would undergo a transformation, an inevitable change of season.

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	5. Ill Omens

**A/N: **Oh boy, we're heading into a heavy part of the story. Kurogane may still be young, but let's hope he's strong enough to handle what's to come! Thanks for the reads and reviews thus far, and I hope you will forgive me when my trademark chronic angst starts to visit. Enjoy!

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**Four: Ill Omens**

It took almost a year for another merchant carrying quality silks to pass through village, but Kurogane was prepared for him when he arrived. He had money of his own now, earned from laboring in the rice fields alongside his father for nearly a full cycle of seasons. He'd decided to begin immediately following Yuuko's hanami picnic, though his parents had fretted at first that he was taking on the task too soon, before it was absolutely necessary. Maybe it was a bit early considering that both of his mother and father earned enough to maintain a comfortable lifestyle in the village, but he decided that if he was old enough to be kissed by Fai and receive his confession, he was most certainly old enough to work.

His mother did put her foot down when it came to him having any ideas about spending the money on their behalf. "It's yours," she insisted. "We have enough for food and goods without requiring our only child to maintain us just yet. Please spend it on something that will bring you happiness, and your father and I will also be content."

And so he had found himself stockpiling the money for silk. He could not remember an exact moment when he decided that he would spend his wages on a gift for Fai, but before he knew it, he was asking around about which merchants were arriving when and how much a bolt of silk would cost if he wanted something of a higher quality.

The merchant was less than thrilled to see him when he arrived with his pouch of coins and vague knowledge of silks from his years spent listening to Fai listing each thing he liked about every one of Yuuko's kimono. Though he was working, Kurogane was still only fourteen, and the merchant doubtless thought he was as poor as any other child. Whatever silks he carried were surely meant to be purchased in the city, not in a small farming village where finery was limited to weddings and holidays.

Kurogane sorted through the collection of fabric, trying to remember all of Fai's tastes as he studied each pattern. The women browsing the merchant's wares alongside him eyed him and whispered amongst themselves about what the miko's son was doing looking at silk, but Kurogane did his best to ignore them. Let them assume he was shopping for his mother or a village girl if they wanted. The person the gift was meant for would receive it any case.

Kurogane at last paused at a creamy white fabric spotted with miniscule red flowers. He unrolled the bolt part way and ran the silk through his hands. It felt so wonderful that he understood for the first time the reason why Fai had taken him time and time again to see Yuuko's kimono. Perhaps it would feel even better on Fai himself, but that didn't bear thinking of in front of everyone else. Or at all, he reminded himself.

"How much for all of this?" Kurogane asked, lifting up a corner of the fabric for the merchant to examine.

"More than you make in a year, I suspect." The merchant rubbed his pointed beard. "It's enough to cover a giraffe of a woman with room left over for a train. Surely you don't need all of it. Tell me the approximate measurements of this person, and then I can give you an idea of how much you need."

Kurogane sighed. He had no idea who Fai would make a kimono for if he had the proper fabric for it, or if he could make anything at all with what tools he had now. Maybe he would sell it to Yuuko or another women in the village. But there was such a variety among the shapes of every woman that he had no idea where to begin.

"About this tall," he said, lifting his hand to about Fai's height, though he didn't know why he thought this solution would work. Fai was more lanky and thin than most women he knew, and he doubted even Fai would want to traipse around in a woman's kimono. But now that he had started talking, he didn't feel as if he could stop. "All of this person's height is in the legs. The arms are about this long." He indicated with his hands.

"And the bust?"

"Practically non-existent." The women shopping nearby started giggling.

The merchant took a few notes and examined the silk. "It'll be hard to judge accurately based on what you told me, but I'll cut it to my estimate. How much money do you have to spend?"

Kurogane passed him his bag of coins. The merchant counted the total and rubbed his beard again before turning back to the fabric.

"The person this is for is special to you, yes?"

"Enough so that I would work for months to buy this."

"A remarkable person, indeed. I will accept this money, but you must understand that silk is no replacement for the words that will confirm to this person that they are loved. They still must be said, young man. To a young person in love, there is no action in the world that can stand in for the words they most want to hear."

Kurogane sighed, but said nothing as the fabric was cut and wrapped for him. He was nearly a year older than he had been when Fai said he would wait for an answer, but still there seemed to be an obstacle in the way of him saying anything. He couldn't put a finger on what it was, but he could not shake the feeling that there was something that still needed to happen before he could say what needed to be said and be accepted by the same heart who had once thought of the future with such uncertain sadness.

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When he arrived at Ashura and Shashi's home to look for Fai, a screaming match was in progress. Yui was sitting in the main room with the newborn baby swaddled in his arms, and Ashura and Shashi were shut behind the bedroom door, though their voices leaked through with perfect clarity nonetheless.

"You can't expect me to believe that... that _thing_... is my real child," Shashi shrieked when Kurogane made his way through they entryway. Yui turned around briefly and placed a finger over his lips. The baby squirmed in his arms, but remained silent.

"Whatever it is isn't natural," Shashi continued. Her voice was high and frantic and watered down with tears. "I don't know why you made it that way. Maybe to punish me. You knew I wanted a son, and you had to take even that away. But I won't tolerate it anymore. I won't acknowledge it even if I have to die!"

"Shashi, please calm down," Ashura pleaded. A thunk came from behind the door, as if she was pushing him away. "You cannot blame a child for being born differently. That baby is still yours. _Ours. _Don't make a foolish mistake just because you're disappointed."

"Disappointed? That doesn't even begin to describe it. If you had to push that monster out from you, you'd understand. I prayed and prayed for a son, and to receive _that_... what a humiliation." She released a primal wail that seemed to go on for forever. After her hysterics had calmed for a minute, her voice grew hoarse and colder with the next words she spoke. "I was wrong all along. That thing is not the son the gods wanted me to have. I already have two beautiful sons. Yui and Fai."

"Yui? Fai? Shashi, I am flattered you have come to think of them as your own children, but I won't allow you to dismiss your blood child so simply."

"A child of my blood? You are mistaken. He is _yours_. If you insist on keeping him, so be it. Take responsibility. I will return to my village with my true sons, and you need not be bothered by us again."

"Please do not say that. Fai and Yui are the children of my aunt and uncle. They should remain with their family. And you should remain with yours."

"_You _are not my family! I did not want to marry you. I never wanted to leave my village and stop being a miko! Don't you understand? I tried to tell my parents, but they were set on you and your dignified manners. Now look at where I am! The mother of a monster and wife to the man who fathered it!"

Kurogane studied the child in Yui's arms. There seemed nothing out of the ordinary about it. It had wide eyes and beautiful skin; all in all, it was a lovely newborn, reflecting the best of both of his parents' beauties.

"What problem does that banshee have with this kid?" Kurogane asked Yui, nodding to the squirming bundle in his arms.

Yui frowned and slowly undid the blankets covering the child. In the place a where a sex was supposed to be, there was nothing but skin without interruption. "The child's name is Ashura," Yui whispered. "Just like Ashura-oniisan. I was the one who chose a name, since Shashi-oneesan wouldn't."

"Did the doctor have anything to say about this?"

"He wasn't sure what happened, but it may be one of these things that no one can explain. But Shashi-oneesan isn't taking it well. She hasn't been nursing, and she won't stop fighting with Ashura-oniisan."

"The baby's not being fed?"

"We've been taking Ashura to a woman who has recently given birth. But every time he sees Shashi-oneesan he starts getting fussy and wanting to be fed."

"But what's that about her wanting to take you and your brother away? I didn't think either of you had that much of a relationship with her."

Yui was silent, seeming to turn his attention back to Shashi's sobbing and Ashura's pointless cajoling. "I have a feeling something bad is going to happen," he said at length, when Shashi again quieted down.

"Something bad," Kurogane echoed.

"I don't know what. But I have this feeling. It's not little Ashura's fault, or Shashi-oneesan's, or anyone's. An inevitability is about to occur, and I think it may cause people, maybe even you, sadness." He paused, pressing Ashura closer to his chest. "Promise me that no matter what happens you'll try to look after Fai."

"Haven't I always? And you will, too."

"I wish I could promise. But there is a chance I will be somewhere else. And if I am, you have to look after him. You're the only person who knows how to make him happy when he isn't."

Kurogane shook his head. A debate on how happy or unhappy he made Fai could be left for another time. "Somewhere else?" he pressed instead. "With the banshee? With your cousin? Where?"

Before Yui could answer, Shashi pulled the door open and stormed into the room, tearing her long fingers through her hair. "Yui-chan, find your brother," she said. "We're leaving. And stop holding onto that creature. It can't be good for you." Her eyes fell on Kurogane and narrowed. "Who...? Ah, yes. The son of the miko in this village. The one Fai's all crazy for."

"Shashi-oneesan," Yui said in a soft voice, one that traveled through them and dispelled some of the built up tension in the room. In spite of all that had happened, his tone seemed relaxed and soothing, and even Shashi's breathing steadied as she waited for him to continue to speaking. "We cannot leave now. Ashura-oniisan is our guardian. If you take us away, you'll be breaking the law as long as Fai and I do not consent to go."

"Then consent to go, Yui-chan." She extended her hand to stroke Yui's hair, and he managed not to wince away from her touch. "You have had enough of being motherless and alone. You and I are not supposed to be here, and we have always known this. We need to be somewhere else."

"Yes."

"Then we will go. And Fai, too."

"No. Fai is where he is supposed to be."

Shashi tossed her hair. "Don't be ridiculous. Fai goes where you go. Even he would rather be separate from this boy than from you."

"No. The one who Fai's future is bound to is not me."

Little Ashura shifted in Yui's arms, catching sight of Shashi. A piercing wail came from the bundle, and little arms waved desperately towards Shashi and everything she was supposed to provide.

"Make it shut up, make it shut up!" Shashi threw her hands over her ears and burst into tears, falling to floor and wailing just as loudly as the baby. Ashura came into the room and tried to pull Shashi back to the bedroom, but she was unmovable and rigid. Giving up, he took his child from Fai and rocked it back and forth, singing under his breath.

"Please go and find Fai," Yui said, a strangely calm voice among the chaos surrounding him. "Tell him to stay away for now. If it won't trouble you, perhaps it would be best if he stayed with you tonight."

"You shouldn't be left here."

"I will be fine."

"Nothing about this is fine!"

Yui placed a hand on Kurogane's shoulder and stared into his eyes. The way he looked was so very much like Fai, but those blue eyes told an entirely different story. As soon as he saw them, Kurogane was struck with the thought Yui had already made an important choice, one that he would not allow anyone to change for him. Whatever he was doing had a reason behind it, one that only Yui knew.

"This game you're playing," Kurogane snarled, pressing Fai's silk against his chest, "I don't care if it's what you want. If it's going to end up hurting your brother, I am going to stop you."

"I know," Yui nodded. "And thank you, Kurogane. Nothing has made me happier than being able to see how much you love him."

"Love?"

"You do, don't you?"

Kurogane stared at his feet and then nodded.

"Then, please. Don't keep him waiting."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kurogane found Fai alone in the sakura grove, around the place where they had kissed a year ago. He was wearing the same robes he had that time, but once again the atmosphere had changed from what it had been. Kurogane could tell just from looking at Fai's face that today was one of his solemn days, one where it would be hard to convince him to smile with both his mouth and his eyes. Kurogane couldn't blame him; he felt very much the same today after leaving Ashura's house.

"Oi," he called out. Fai turned around and granted him a half-hearted smile before beckoning him forward.

"You were at the house, weren't you?" Fai asked. "I can see it in your expression."

"Yes."

"Now you know what's becoming of everything. I can hardly even say if I'll be able to stay here, or if Shashi will find a way to take me away. At least if that happens, she won't do anything to hurt Ashura and the baby."

"Shut up," Kurogane said, closing his eyes. "Just stop talking."

"Kuro-sama?"

"You want to stay. You're staying. That's all there is."

"The world Kuro-tan sees is so simple. It would be easy if we could always do what we wanted and were able to stay faithful to our desires. But this world we were born into... it won't let us."

"That sounds like giving up."

"No, Kuro-tan. It's being realistic." He reached out for the package in Kurogane's arms. "What do you have?"

"Take it. It's yours."

Fai slowly pulled away the wrapping and lifted up the white and red silk within. He said nothing for a long time, simply running the fabric through his fingers and starring at the pattern with a wide-eyed awe.

"For me," he said.

"For you."

"It's wonderful. Looks at these flowers! I bet it was difficult to put so much detail into something so small."

"It's a good pattern then?"

"Excellent! It's the exact sort of thing Yuuko-san would wear. Maybe even better." He paused. "How much money was this?"

"Enough for you to give me something in return. Look at me."

"I already am."

Kurogane placed his hands on Fai's shoulders and leaned in close enough where Fai would not be able to see anything other than him. "You're staying here," he said. "No matter what happens, I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure you won't even think of being anywhere else. Even if it makes you hate me. It doesn't matter."

"How could I hate you? How?"

"The future has yet to be determined," Kurogane said. "I'm not holding anything as certain."

He drew away and allowed Fai to resume his examination of the silk. After a time, Fai returned it to its wrappings with delicate attentiveness and came to stand beside Kurogane. "Kurorin," he said, his voice as quiet as the gently rustling cherry blossoms.

"Mmm."

"Will I have an answer soon?"

_For a young person in love, there is no action in the world that can stand in for the words they most want to hear_, the merchant's voice reminded him, but he still could not forget Yui and the expression on his face._ An inevitability is about to occur, and I think it may cause people, maybe even you, sadness._

But that didn't matter. Even if something terrible was headed their way, Fai deserved the answer to the question he was asking now. There was no doubt in Kurogane's mind anymore. The feeling in his heart that he had thought was dislike and annoyance was instead the very reason he had stayed by Fai's side since the very beginning. He was still young and stubborn, but Kurogane was mature enough to admit to something that was becoming evident to him, and surely to everyone else. He wouldn't hold on to something that didn't matter to him, and the strength with which he wanted to keep Fai exactly where he was couldn't be anything other than love. And since Fai was asking for an answer, there was no real reason not tell him.

Kurogane opened his mouth. His throat felt dry, so he swallowed and cleared it. _You can't__, _something in him insisted, but he pushed it aside. He could tell him, right this very minute. There was nothing holding him back. If they could be together now, why delay it?

He opened his mouth again, but nothing would come out of it. He didn't feel afraid or hesitant, but there was no denying the fact that his answer resisted being spoken. For a moment he felt that if he did speak, it would not be the moment he wanted it to be. An ending, not a beginning. He couldn't comprehend it. Fai was in love with him. He was in love with Fai. But something was not _right_.

_I have a feeling that something horrible is going to happen._

"For now, is having everything as it is enough?" Kurogane asked finally. "Are you unhappy?"

"No. Not unhappy. But..."

"But?"

"I'm not holding everything as certain either. But I want you to be."

"That's not something you have to worry about. I'll be here."

Fai curled up against Kurogane and said nothing further. There was pain in every line of his expression, and Kurogane could not help but think that it was only going to get worse. He did not know the world well enough to know what was going to happen or decide how he would fix it or if he even could. But what would happen would happen, and what he would do would come after. All they could do now was wait, and fight for an outcome where they could be together and be happy.

As they waited, the first of the downpours came.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0


	6. The Flood

**A/N: **Well, as hard it was to write this chapter and as much I didn't want to, here it is. Although things are getting a bit gloomy, I hope you will still be able to enjoy! Thank you for your continued support, as always.

0o0o0o0o0o0

**Five: The Flood**

Kurogane had never seen so much rain in his life. Their village had heavy bouts of rain in the spring, so he was used to being stuck inside for days at a time to wait out the storms, but these downpours were beyond anything he had ever witnessed before. Buckets and pans littered the floor of the house to collect the water which leaked through the thatching, and the water that had gathered on the path reached above the ankle, limiting the ease of travel between homes.

It had been over a week since he had last seen Fai. He could have made the journey at risk of getting drenched and catching a cold, but he had a feeling that both Fai and Yui wanted him to stay away until things had settled. Shashi would take some calming down, and it had to be embarrassing for everyone, especially Ashura, to have an outsider witnessing their private misery. It was difficult for him though. All there was to do all day was watch the rain build outside and think of Fai and wonder if he was hurting and in need of the answer Kurogane had not given him.

"Kurogane." His mother had entered the room, her hands full of an odd collection of household items. "Clow Reed and Yuuko-san are requesting that everyone evacuate to the manor in case of flooding. Your father and I are gathering things we would like you to bring with you, and you must bring any personal belongings you wish to save as well."

"An evacuation?" He rose to his feet and rubbed his eyes. "Won't you be coming?"

"We will go with Haruka-sama to the shrine and provide shelter to those who may not be able to make it to the manor. The shrine is on high ground, and should be safe."

"Then why can't I stay with you?"

"Fai-kun and Yui-kun will be with Clow-sama. Surely you would be of better service to them, wouldn't you agree?"

Kurogane could hardly dispute that. With the way things were going recently, it was doubtful that either Ashura or Shashi would be able to look over the twins properly without dragging them into their personal dispute.

"Will the manor be safer than anywhere else?"

"Ah, you know how Yuuko-san is. I am not aware of the extent of her abilities, but I think creating a spiritual barrier is within them. At least one big enough to protect the home of someone precious to her."

"And the temple? Is there any way of protecting it?"

"The temple is protected from all manner of things. But a storm? I am not certain, though I will pray for its safety with all of the faith I have within me." She knelt down in front of him, her forehead creasing. "There is something I must say. We will all do our best to make sure everyone comes out of this threat alive, and that no one need suffer the grief of losing someone they love. But there is no guarantee. Should something happen to us or to anyone, I only ask that you be strong. Cry if you need to cry and stop when you need to stop, but do not lose sight of who you are or lock yourself in your grief. There is a place you go when you lose yourself where you cannot protect the people you hold dear or fight for the future you desire. Do not seek out such a place, my dear child. There is no easy way back."

Kurogane nodded, squeezing her hand. "You and father will both fight to stay alive, won't you?"

"With all of our hearts." She ruffled his hair. "But you must make haste and gather your things. The water level is rising by the minute."

Kurogane went into his room and examined his belongings. Nothing was particularly valuable to him, but he grabbed a handful of clothes in case it would be awhile before he came back. Anything else he could part with should a flood pass through; it was more important now to make his way to the Reed manor and assure that Fai and Yui had arrived there safely.

The road was in even worse condition by time he made it out. His legs were partway covered by the water, and the winds had picked up, making his damp clothes seem even colder. Other families were also traveling down the path, packs strapped to their backs and children flailing in their arms as the rain pelted them. Kurogane raised his eyes skyward. _Haven't you had enough? What is the point of punishing us further than this?_

The Reed manor was packed by time Kurogane reached it. People streamed through the hallways, checking on neighbors and sharing their fears as the rain droned on overhead. The roof of the manor was more sturdy than thatch, and everyone whispered that there was no way anything was going to happen to them here. The witch had magic, after all. Perhaps not enough to make the rain stop or protect each of their houses, but enough to protect her own, certainly.

Kurogane found Yui in the witch's room, his long legs tucked into his chest as if he was trying to shrink and vanish completely. The silk Kurogane had purchased for Fai was folded in his hands, but he didn't seem to have brought anything else with him.

"Oi!" Kurogane called, waving his hand to catch the boy's attention. When Yui rose to his feet and stretched out his limbs, Kurogane could see that he looked unwell. His skin was pale, and there were shadows under his eyes as if he gone days without sleep. He would not look Kurogane in the eye, but seemed fixated on some vague point over his shoulder, into the distance.

"You made it," he said, placing the silk with Kurogane's belongings. "Are you wondering where everyone is? Ashura-oniisan won't be coming. Oneesan sent him out of the house a few days ago, and he's gone south with the baby. He'll be lodging with a friend while he goes to meet Oneesan's family so they can come and help her. Shashi-oneesan is still gathering our things."

"And your brother?"

Yui paused, biting his lower lip before speaking. "That is something I need your help with. Fai was up in the climbing tree getting a better view of the storm when the evacuation was announced, and I don't know if I will be able to get him down on my own. Would you come with me? It's not too far from here."

Kurogane stared at Yui, his body tensing. "You let him go out in this weather?"

"He didn't ask for my permission. He told me where he was going, and left on his own."

"And you're saying," Kurogane said in a slow voice, "that guy is in a tree by himself in the middle of a storm, and when you heard about the evacuation, the first thing you did was come here?"

"O-oneesan asked me to bring our belongings here as soon as possible."

"And why would the banshee care so much about a bolt of silk I gave to your brother?"

"There were other things that I stowed away already. I just wanted to hold on to the silk because I know it's important to Fai."

"Why are you lying to me?"

Yui's legs started to tremble. "You don't have to believe everything I say," he insisted, tears collecting in his eyes. "But he _is _in the tree right now. And he _will _need your help." He reached to grab Kurogane's wrist. "I'll take you there, while you still have time. But _please. _You have to help him."

"I will. But if you think you're getting out of this without a better explanation, you're mistaken."

The wind had picked up even more in the few minutes Kurogane had spent within the Reed manor. Branches were being ripped off of trees and thrown to the ground, and a few of the nearby houses were already beginning to lose their roofs. He thought of Fai alone on top of a tree, at the center of everything and balancing precariously over an edge that surely could not sustain him. What was Yui thinking? Or was it Fai who had lost his mind for wanting to scale a tree in the middle a storm even Yuuko was wary of? What on earth was going on?

The tree Yui led him to was one of the sturdy and thick giants they had played in as children. If Kurogane's memory served, the branches had been strong enough to hold several of them when they were younger without straining and cracking under their careless feet. Perhaps Fai was still safe, after all. He had always been a gifted climber and was sure-footed enough not to slip even under these conditions. Kurogane grabbed a low branch and tested it with his hands. He would have to be careful on his way up.

"I'll go get him," he said, turning to Yui. "The water is rising again, but I'll carry him back if I have to. And you, you need to go back before it gets worse. Back to the witch, do you understand me?"

"Yes." Yui's voice came out like a croak drowned in the rain. "Back to the witch."

Yui stayed where he was for a moment as Kurogane scaled the first branch and caught his footing, and then stepped forward to press his hands against the tree and close his eyes as if praying. Kurogane climbed up two more branches before looking down at him again. He had turned away and was wading down the path, pointed in the direction of Shashi's house.

"Yui!" Kurogane yelled.

The boy froze. It was the first time Kurogane had ever said his name that he could remember. It felt odd and heavy on his tongue, but it needed to be said. It had stopped him, after all. That was the most important thing.

"_Go back to the witch and wait for your brother," _he repeated.

Yui stared at him. There was water streaming down his face, but it was impossible to tell if it was from the rain or something else.

Kurogane looked up. He could see Fai perching on a high branch, his robes hanging from him, a sodden weight begging to pull him down into the earth. He had to stop this, he had to stop both of them. But he was not certain anymore if he could do both.

By time he looked back downwards, Yui was gone. Kurogane was not high enough in the tree to see which direction he had gone, but if he took the time to be certain, there was no telling what would happen to Fai. He felt his arms and legs pulling him upwards, higher and higher until the wind had perfect aim at him, ripping at his face and making his body go numb. How long had Fai been enduring this? And why?

"Oi!" he called out as soon as he thought Fai would be able to hear him. Fai looked down, revealing his head full of dripping hair and wind-burned red cheeks. His face seemed to collapse as he saw Kurogane approaching him, and Kurogane's heart surged in response. He had made it in time. Fai was a little worse for wear, but soon they would be able to get down and be on their way to the manor where they could warm up and wait everything out.

"We have to get down," he called again when he was a bit closer. "Can you move all right?"

"My clothes are heavy, and I'm afraid I might slip on the way down," Fai called back. His hands were tightly grabbing the tree, though Kurogane doubted that he would be able to feel his fingers at this point.

"I'll stay below you, and help you make it. But we don't have much time. Can you try starting now?"

Fai nodded, and slowly lowered himself so his feet hung down to seek out the lower branch. Kurogane waited for him to grip the branch securely with his feet and steady himself before he also went down a branch lower.

After catching his breath and steadying himself, Fai descended once again without much difficulty with his landing. Kurogane was about to do the same for himself when a fierce gust of wind made him stop. A few of the nearby trees began to creak and groan, no longer able to stand the pressure that was being put on them.

"Wait!" he tried calling up to Fai, but Fai was already lowering himself onto the branch Kurogane was balancing on. It was luckily a thick branch, but Kurogane had no idea how well it would hold in weather like this. All he knew was that he didn't have time to make a fast judgment or order Fai to climb back up. Fai was on his way down in the middle of these winds, and Kurogane had to make sure he landed safety.

As he eased Fai down beside him, he backed them both nearer to the base of the tree. "We can't go down like this anymore," he said. "The winds are too strong. And we shouldn't stand when it's like this either." He lowered himself so that his legs were straddling the branch and hands were pressed against the tree's trunk to steady himself. "Here, like me. Face me so your back is against the trunk."

"Will you hold me steady?"

"I won't let anything happen to us."

Fai obeyed, lowering himself on to the branch and resting against the tree. Kurogane moved closer to him, hitching Fai's legs around him so they were as close as they could possible get. With his arms, he caged them against the trunk, shielding Fai from the winds and leaving his own back to receive the worst of its bite.

"Is it okay to wait like this? I thought we needed to hurry." Fai glanced over Kurogane's shoulder to the ground below. The water was looking impossibly high as the rain continued to pelt down, but surely even that was safer than their position half-way up a tree with the wind buffeting them from either side.

"Oi, I'm not interested in falling in the water because of that wind. It's going to-"

He trailed off, hearing a strange crash in the distance. He tilted his head and looked past the tree to where a group of houses were built nearby the drowned rice fields. The wind was tearing through the water, lifting it up higher and higher and higher. Right before his eyes, a big wave rose to full height and fell upon the houses. When it broke against them, he could see the thatch falling apart and the water spilling into the interiors, shattering the windows and ravaging everything inside.

Kurogane closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Was it too late, after all? Another wave built and broke against a tree, and it cracked and tilted to the side, fighting a losing battle as it tried not to crash into the churning water.

"Kuro-sama?"

Kurogane returned his eyes to Fai. Lifting one of his hands, he cupped it against Fai's face, forming a blinder to his line of sight. "Look at me," he whispered. "Nothing else."

"What's going on? What's happening?"

"Don't think about it. No matter what, I will keep you safe."

"What is it, Kuro-sama? What is-?"

The wind drew up another wave and drove it into one of the houses in Fai's line of sight. Kurogane's hand kept him from seeing the worst of it, but he could still likely hear the windows shattering and the insides being torn apart. Fai let out a low whimper and seemed to grow rigid in Kurogane's arms.

"Kuro-sama," he said, his voice suddenly hollow. "Where is Yui?"

Kurogane ground his fist into the tree, hating himself for the necessity of keeping information from him. "The witch had everyone evacuate to the big house," he said. "I came to bring you there so you wouldn't get caught in the flood like we are now."

"Can you with all honesty say that you are certain that Yui is safely inside right now and will stay there until this quiets down?"

Fai's eyes bore into him, and he felt the word fall out of his mouth outside of his control. "No."

Fai was silent for a moment, and then his hands shot out to push against Kurogane's shoulders. "Let me go."

"I can't."

"Yui is out there right now, isn't he? He's on the path, and if he don't let me go save him, he's going to die."

"I don't know where that guy is. But I know where you are. You're here, and you're _alive_. If I let you go, you're going to let yourself die trying to find him. I'm not going to let you go."

Fai pushed him again, and when Kurogane didn't budge, he tried to jerk one of his legs back to kick him in the stomach. Kurogane grabbed it and pushed it back, still leaving one arm to keep them pressed against the tree.

"You're fine if Yui dies?" Fai yelled, beating his arms against Kurogane's chest. "You'll let this happen? After all that time we spent together? As much as he looked up to you?"

"I won't let you go."

"Why are you doing this to me? Don't you understand? Yui _needs to live. _I'm the one with the bad heart, the one who doesn't need to be here. Even you get it, don't you? You know I'm not someone anybody could love."

"Stop talking!"

"I will if you let me go."

"I won't let go of you!"

"_KUROGANE!_"

The name rang in the air, louder than the water and the waves and the wind. Kurogane's heart slammed against his chest. _I have a feeling something horrible is going happen... an inevitability is about to occur..._

"Kurogane, if you do this, I _will not _forgive you." Fai's eyes stared straight into him, frightening in their determination. "You can forget about love, friendship, being together, everything. If you let my brother die, that is all I will remember."

Fai meant it. Kurogane knew in that very moment, he meant exactly what he was saying. But he also knew that if he let Fai go, forgiveness or love or friendship or any lack of it would have no meaning. There would be no Fai to love or treasure, no forgiveness or anger, only a grave and the true end of everything.

"I will not let go of you," he said again. He returned both of his arms to press Fai against him. "I don't care about anything else or whatever you have to say about being unlovable or having a bad heart. You are not bad or good or horrible or wonderful or anything more or less than simply being you. And I am going to keep you safe regardless of whether you want me to or not. That is my choice."

Fai tried to fight him off one last time, but his limbs were heavy and the time he had spent in the middle of the downpour was taking its toll. His eyes were turning glassy and feverish and his body trembled in Kurogane's arms. Kurogane tried to hold him closer, but his own body had little warmth to provide. He too was soaked and beyond feeling any heat in his body through the water dripping off his skin. Even if they could make it out without drowning, there were other things to contend with that could take them at any moment.

As the waves grew and grew, Kurogane held Fai steady, supporting his slumping body and trying to block the winds trying to claw him. He could see the silhouette of the Shinto shrine in the distance, and he concentrated his thoughts on his mother, father, and Haruka-san waiting inside. His head was spinning and Fai was growing heavier and heavier in his arms, but he tried to focus on that single spot, pushing his mind to think of anything but giving into exhaustion and relaxing his grip on Fai. The shrine was surely too high for the bulk of the water to reach. Everyone inside had to be safe. They would make it through. And when the winds calmed, someone would come looking for them and take them to Yuuko. Surely, everything would be fine. Even if Fai could not forgive him. Even if nothing would be the same again.

But the winds would not calm. If anything, they picked up more and more. Fai's trembling worsened, and the tree that was hit earlier fell to the ground with a resounding crash. The other trees were groaning once again, branches flying and cracking and falling into the pool beneath them. Kurogane kept looking off into the distance. The tree nearby the shrine was swaying in the wind. He held his breath as it leaned further and further forward.

_No._

"Yu...i..." Fai sobbed into Kurogane's chest. Though the rest of him was frozen, his forehead was painfully hot. He shifted back, and Kurogane could see that his eyes were shut, and that whatever he was dreaming was the product of a fever. His entire body was covered with cold water and a cold sweat.

_No, no, no. No!_

No one heard his cries. The tempo of both the wind and rain increased, the leaning tree cracked and fell on to the temple's entrance, Fai whimpered and cried out against the demons in his dreams. Kurogane's mind lost its grip on the point in the distance, the point that had fallen apart right in front of his eyes. It took all the will he had to keep holding onto Fai with what little strength he had, to keep them both from falling from the tree.

He did not know how long they stayed there. The winds grew stronger, but the rain at last tapered off at one point, and though his body was still numb and frozen, he was aware of a sweat accumulating on his skin where the rain once was and dripping down him. He tried to look at Fai, but he could see nothing but swimming colors in front of him, a damp blonde head melting into his black robes, and a sweaty cheek pressing against his.

"I...will...not...let...you... go..." Kurogane told the shape, but the words echoed oddly in the air, as if they had not come from him, but rather from some separate force that he had been divided from. He felt his arms slipping from the tree, but he forced them again, pinning Fai's imperceptible body back in place. Everything hurt. It hurt now, and would only hurt more later. But he could not, while he still drew breath, allow himself to give up just yet.

_Kurogane-kun, _a familiar voice called out to him. _Drop your arms now. Do not be afraid. I will catch you both._

_ I cannot let go of him._

_ You will lose him if you do not let go now. He is fevered and you are fevered, and you will die if you stay in this place for any longer. Do you understand me? Too many have died already. I will not allow you to join them!_

_I... cannot... _But once again, his arms were beginning to slip, and this time they would not stop themselves from falling. _Witch... you swear to me... you swear to me that he will live?_

_ I swear to you. Let go, Kurogane-kun. It is time now to sleep. You will awaken at a time that will be difficult for you, but you have known since you were a child, haven't you? These are things _that must happen.

His arms released themselves, and somewhere, in another place, he was sure his body was falling, tumbling straight into nothingness. He did not know if he landed or which arms were able to hold onto him or to Fai as they crashed. All he knew was that he needed to sleep, thoroughly and deeply, and that when he rose again he would no longer be able to delay the knowledge that the world as he had known it had drowned and would not soon emerge from its bitter sea.

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	7. What Came After

**A/N: **All right, update time! Fai and Kurogane just got through a terrible ordeal, but will it spell the end of them in the long run? And what on earth has been going on with Yui? Thanks as always for the support, and I hope you enjoy the- dun dun dun- EMO CHAPTER. (Bonus points go to anyone who knows who Ashura's companion is in this chapter!)

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**Six: What Came After**

When Kurogane awoke, he was back inside the Reed manor, buried under the covers of Yuuko's bed. His skin was clammy and his throat felt like it was being burned with fire. It was hard to gather his thoughts together for even a few moments. How had he gotten here? He had been up in a tree, and there had been a flood that had almost destroyed everything, but how had he gotten from there to here? There were faint memories of a voice and then falling, but surely even the witch couldn't have delivered him safely from that?

Yuuko herself was seated beside him, wiping his forehead with a wet cloth and humming absently under her breath. She looked horrible. Her hair was unpinned and lank, and her eyes were bloodshot as if she hadn't slept for days. When she realized Kurogane was awake, she sighed and lowered her hand. "Fai-kun, it seems he has returned to us."

Kurogane lifted his head. Fai was set up in a cot to his right, his head turned away towards the window. Even when Yuuko spoke to him, he remained motionless as if the words had not fully reached him. He looked uninjured; that, at least, was a blessing.

"The... village," Kurogane whispered. His voice was hoarse from lack of use, but felt a little better when he cleared his throat.

"Ssh, don't be in a rush to speak," Yuuko chided him. "You are still weak. And I wish I could say that all was well with the village, but you saw for yourself what happened. I have petitioned the city for aid, and relief and workers have only just come here. Ours was not the only village hit, and with the absence of power..." She trailed off, staring at her hands.

The room felt eerily silent. Fai still chose not to speak, and manor had seemingly emptied out of all the people who had stayed in it. With so many houses ruined, there should at least have been someone taking shelter, but everyone was gone. Perhaps every available hand had been sent to help with things in the village, but Kurogane had the feeling that it wasn't the whole story. At the very least, his mother would be here to keep watch over him, and Yui would be here for Fai.

"My parents didn't make it," Kurogane said, settling back into his bed. A lump was rising in his throat, but his body felt too numb to do anything more. A part of him didn't want to admit he had awoken to reality rather than a terrible nightmare, but he knew everything he saw in front of him was the truth. "That's why they're not here, right?"

"Yes," Yuuko said. "The tree that collapsed the entrance of the shrine destroyed much of the foundation as well. It could not hold with the winds as they were. I am sorry."

"Not your fault," Kurogane muttered. He turned his head into the pillow, hiding the moisture pricking his eyes. "There must have been others with them. The priest, and anyone that came seeking shelter."

"Most managed to evacuate to me first, but yes, there were others. When we heard the tree fall... Clow tried to make it to them in time. He must have just been gathering them together when..."

Kurogane looked up. Yuuko was staring at her hands, her typically all-knowing expression lost in grief. He had never before felt anything more than dislike for her, but for the first time he understood exactly what she was and was not saying and could allow his heart to feel sadness for her. Though he did not like her and all of her vaguely worded warnings, he never would have wished on her the grief that came with losing a person she loved.

He glanced back at Fai. "He... that guy...didn't come back here did he?"

The other boy at last turned his head, revealing an ashen profile that did not look as if it belonged to a young man of only sixteen years. "Yes, Yuuko-san," came his colorless voice. "Tell him what happened to Yui. Exactly as you told me."

Yuuko sighed and stood up to cross the room and light one of her pipes. She took a long drag and released the smoke slowly, filling the room with the scent of incense. Kurogane waited, but she didn't say anything for a long time.

"What do you know about Shashi's life before she came to this village?" she asked at length.

"The banshee? I don't know anything about her. She just showed up here one day."

"Perhaps that's how it appeared to you, but her union with Ashura was the result of months of planning. I doubt he had any particular interest in her one way or another, but he was directly approached by her family to open up marriage negotiations. Shashi came from an a very old and powerful family, and her father would have been no one for Ashura to scoff at."

"Why the interest in that guy? He's no one special."

"Ashura? Yes, I suppose you could call him an unremarkable man from some perspectives. But he does come a bloodline known for bearing healthy, strong sons, and that was what was of value to Shashi's family. Shashi is the first of seven daughters born to a man with lands, business, and property he wished to pass on to sons, and when his own wife failed to give him one, the expectations fell on Shashi and her sisters to marry well and provide proper heirs to the family line. Shashi was allowed her own life and duties as a miko while there was still hope for her mother to give birth, but as soon as those days passed, she was raised solely for the purpose of bearing and raising sons. Should she fail, she would face the same shame and humiliation as her mother, so she became obsessed with fulfilling her father's wishes for her own preservation."

"And how do you know any of this?"

"I know this because Yui told me. Yui was always a dutiful and obliging child, and Shashi saw in him all she wanted in her own son. From the very beginning, she would confide in him as she found her reception in Ashura's home less than welcome. At first Yui was sympathetic towards Shashi, but even he began to realize she was becoming unhinged the longer she went without becoming pregnant. She began to become convinced Yui and Fai were her sons, and that Ashura was trying to keep them from her. But it wasn't until she threatened to do something about the amount of time Fai was spending with you, Kurogane-kun, that Yui spoke to me about what was happening. I tried to communicate with Shashi and found her unreceptive, so I settled for having the house watched for the time being. When she became pregnant, we hoped the whole affair would be over."

"But it just got worse."

"Yes. It was perhaps not the best time for that family to be blessed with a child such as Ashura, but the universe unfolds as it will regardless of the sense of occasion. I know not what caused that child to be born without gender, but Shashi took it as a personal offense, first from the gods, and then from both the child and its father. When it came time to send word back to her family, she panicked. As you yourself witnessed, it only heightened her resolve to claim Fai and Yui as her own children at any cost."

"And nothing was done about this?"

"Oh, yes," Yuuko said, narrowing her eyes. "Something _was _done about it. Not by me, you understand. I had received a dream of the flood and was setting up precautions alongside Clow to protect the people of the village, so perhaps Yui thought he could not disturb me with the troubles of his family. In any case, he chose to take matters into his own hands. Since Shashi was threatening the lives of both father and son, Yui simply asked them to leave and find someone to calm her down. As for Fai, he made certain that he and Shashi were never left alone, and that he was kept ignorant of the extent of her madness. Yui was willing to humor Shashi and leave the village with her, perhaps because that boy has always carried a sense of needing to be somewhere else, but he was not willing to involve Fai. And to keep Fai safe, he needed you."

Kurogane shook his head. He could see where this was going. "The banshee wanted to leave on the day of the flood, right? Sneak the brothers out when everyone else was occupied?"

"That was her plan. And Yui realized that he would need to keep both you and Fai away that day. He needed Fai in that tree so Shashi would not take him, and he needed you there as well so you would not put his plan to a halt. Think what you will of him, but I do not believe he intended to die. Both he and Shashi underestimated the flood, and underestimated the pain the both of you would feel as a result of Yui's actions. But I do not think he would have ever left you two up in that tree if he had known the dangers that storm posed. You may have very well died of that fever if I had not come looking for... Clow."

"So there you have it," Fai said in his new, hollow voice. "Yui died protecting me."

"Where the hell did you get that conclusion out of all of that?" Kurogane asked, gritting his teeth. "I'm not going to defend him to you, especially since I want to punch his lights out for keeping everything he knew from us. But he didn't die for you. He died doing what he always did, trying to make every single person in this damn world happy. And now... and now..." Kurogane's throat tightened, but he didn't think it was because of his sickness.

"And now?" Fai echoed. "Now I have nothing more to say. To either of you. I was the last hope my brother had to survive, and you took that chance away, _Kurogane_. I can't forgive you. It was a mistake to be with you from the very beginning when I should have been helping Yui with all the things he was suffering with. If not for you, he would be... I would have..." His chin began to tremble, and he cursed under his breath. "And Yuuko-san, you were supposed to be here to help the village. If you knew the flood was coming, why did everyone at the temple have to die? Why did Yui? What is the point of you being here if you couldn't even save Clow?"

Silence reigned over the room. Yuuko set down her pipe and let the smoke waft through the air, and Kurogane simply stared at Fai. He hadn't saved him. He had kept him held against the tree for who knows how long, but he hadn't spared him anything but death. Fai had still broken in his arms, fractured into pieces of grief and frustration and bitterness and anger that would not easily heal and reform back into a heart. He had no one to tell him that it was okay to cry and feel angry with Yui and Kurogane and Yuuko and the entire world if he wanted, but the time would have to come where he would need to reassemble what he was left with and start to live again. Perhaps Kurogane would have been able to tell him if it had been anyone else but Yui who had died, but the Fai raging in front of him right now was not one who wanted to listen or hear.

"Oi," he said, reaching out one of his shaky hands to press against Fai's. "Is that really what you want to say right now? Is using your grief to hurt others really what you need to do?"

Fai pushed Kurogane's hand away and began sobbing into his hands. Yuuko still said nothing, but returned to Kurogane's bedside and mopped his forehead again as if nothing had happened. She squeezed the washcloth onto his face, sending trickles of water down his cheeks in case he needed to mask tears of his own. But he couldn't cry, not even with nearly everyone most important to him dead. The person he needed to protect was still right in front of him, but no matter how much he thought, he could not figure out what to do or say to give him peace.

"Fai!"

The three of them looked up. Ashura was standing in the doorframe, a tall man with long white hair standing behind him carrying the baby in his arms. Ashura hurried into the room and knelt down beside Fai's cot, reaching out to press him into a tight embrace.

"Thank the gods," he murmured, stroking Fai's hair. "Half the village gone... went back to the house and they told me Shashi and Yui were dead and that you had a fever... I thought I might be too late."

Fai rested limp in his arms, refusing to respond to Ashura's touch. Kurogane wondered if he was going to hold him accountable for Shashi, or if he at least would earn his forgiveness.

"Fai, please look at me." Ashura cupped his face in his hands. "I know how hard it must have been for you and Yui, and I'm sorry. I never wanted things to be this way. After your mother died, I wanted there to be someone there for you, someone who could do all the things she had done for you, but that person wasn't Shashi. It's fine if you want to blame me, but I will do everything I can to give you and Ashura a better life now that I have this second chance. My friend is letting us stay with him in a nearby village. Please say you'll come back with us. All I wish for is that you will be happy."

"Happy," Fai repeated. "Fine. I have nowhere else to go."

"Oi." Kurogane reached out again and grabbed Fai's arm. "Don't try to disappear on me."

"I don't have anything to do with you anymore."

"So sixteen years of your life are over and done with. Just like that. And you really think that's what that guy would have wanted?"

"Don't speak to me about what Yui wanted!"

"You're the one who's trying to interpret the choice he made and punish yourself with it. I don't know what that guy was thinking. Neither do you. And it doesn't matter, even if we did know. This is your life, not his. Don't throw it away just because you think you're noble and ready to die because of what happened to him."

"Enough!" Ashura stepped in between the two boys, lifting up a hand. "You're upsetting my child and making a scene in front of Yuuko-san and my companion. Kurogane-kun, I apologize on behalf of Fai. He is upset, just as I am sure you are. But now is not the time for you to be lecturing and hurting one another. He will need some time to recuperate, and it will be better for him to be around family. And when you are healthy again, I give you full permission to see us in our new home, if you are not otherwise occupied rebuilding yours. Will that suit?" He extended his hand and helped Fai to his feet. "Come now. Let's get some food in you and be on our way. Say your goodbyes to Yuuko-san and Kurogane-kun."

"I've already said everything I needed to say." He glared at Kurogane with watery eyes, but could not hold his gaze for long. "Goodbye."

"Oi!"

Yuuko shook her head and held Kurogane down in the bed as Fai followed Ashura back through the door. "You are barely capable of standing up at the moment, least of all convincing a heart so set on its path to change its mind," Yuuko admonished him. "You want to reach a future where he will stay by your side? Then become strong enough to build that future with your own two hands. But before you find that strength, you must regain what you have lost. Rest. You have suffered enough for one day."

"And what about you?"

She sighed, covering his eyes with her hand to lower his lids. "I am only human, Kurogane-kun. I cannot keep anyone from dying, or save every life that is precious to me. I can only keep wishing for a happy future, one where we will no longer know the pain we have endured today. But pain will keep coming. All we can do is decide what we're going to do about it." She rested her forehead on his, and he could feel moisture dripping onto his cheeks. "Now rest. You can decide what comes next in the morning."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Two days later, the village held a service in the Reed manor for all those who had passed away. The shrine and village houses were in ruins, and even the sakura grove had lost a handful of its trees, so there was no other place large enough to host everyone who came through to pay their respects. Yuuko was the only one associated with the temple who was still alive, so she oversaw the ceremony even though she was among those with the most to mourn.

Kurogane was still unsteady on his feet, and needed to lean on Doumeki and Watanuki to make his way through the house without incident. Though he was embarrassed by his own helplessness, he was glad to have them there to make things a bit easier for him when people approached him to say a few words about his mother and father and even Yui. When he found it difficult to speak, they gave their thanks for him, and accepted the many gifts and flowers left in honor of his parents, Yui, and Haruka-san.

The ceremony itself was a solemn occasion. The village was still in shock at having lost their shrine, its priest, and chief attendant in one fell swoop, along with their landlord and several of their neighbors and friends. Yuuko spoke with all the raw and earnest strength of her heart, but even she could not completely break through the numbness of each heart in the room.

When the service was over, she approached Kurogane with her hands full of his belongings. "Here," she said, passing it along to Doumeki, who was currently better equipped to carry it. "These are the things you brought from your family. I had a feeling you would want to return to your house when all this had ended, and it would be unwise to try to start again empty handed. There is damage to the walls and the roof has temporarily been replaced by a canvas, but it should be suitable enough for you to continue your recovery there, so long as you assure that someone is able to check in on you."

"And what are those?" he asked, nodding to the scrolls in her hands.

"Sketches of your parents. They are a gift from your mother's friends to you, though they asked me to be the one to present them to you. Also, since Fai is no longer here to receive it, there is one of Yui. It was drawn by the Clow at the hanami picnic after you and Fai wandered off. Yui was upset with me, so Clow wanted to distract him to ease the tension. I hope it will not be long before you can return it to his brother's possession."

Kurogane allowed Watanuki to accept the scrolls on his behalf.

"There is one last thing." Hidden underneath the long sleeve of her dress was Fai's bolt of silk, creamy white with its flecks of red flowers. "Yui considered this the most precious thing to save in his home. It is unhealthy for gifts to be away from the person they were meant for, especially if they have an affinity for that person. Make sure Fai does not go too long without it."

He accepted it silently, flooded with emotions as soon as the silk touched the tips of his fingers. He remembered how slim Fai's hand had felt within his, the smell of lavender, the kiss they had shared underneath the sakura trees in spring. So many feelings had been placed into this single piece of fabric, but now he couldn't be sure what would become of them or the person who still remained at their center. He only knew the future he wanted, even though he could not yet see what road would lead him there.

Doumeki and Watanuki walked him back to his house, helping him with his things. They talked quietly among themselves of the possibility of Doumeki training to take over Haruka's position in the temple, but Kurogane barely heard them. All he could hear were his footsteps against the path and the absence of Fai's gliding stride beside him, that way of walking he had that seemed so aimless and half-hearted, although he never failed to keep up with Kurogane and follow wherever his feet led. _But not anymore. _And never again would Yui be trailing a little ways behind, already lost in things bigger than he could handle, the agonies of a woman who tried to hang up her entire world on him.

The house looked pretty gloomy by time they made it. The windows were shattered, though the glass had been swept up, and most of their furniture had been destroyed and chopped down for wood. The black canvas anchored overhead cast a shadow on everything, making the place that had always been his home seem strangely inhospitable.

"Will you be fine?" Doumeki asked as Kurogane opened the bundle his parents had sent with him and began to sort through his remaining keepsakes. "Would you like us to stay?"

"No. Rather be alone tonight."

"All right." Doumeki took Watanuki's hand, but paused before leaving. "Kurogane-san?"

"Mmm?"

"No matter what Fai-san says... I was there when he woke up from his fever. He recovered quickly, but Yuuko-san wasn't sure if you would make it. Up until your fever broke, he sat by your side crying and praying that you would not die. Even if he does not want you to think so, he really must still love you."

"Loving someone and not wanting them to die are two different things."

"Hmm? Even so, there is a difference in the way he looked at you. No one is capable of looking at someone they don't love with those eyes."

With a solemn nod to Kurogane, the two boys left the house, leaving him in his old surroundings for the first time ever completely alone.

He sighed and shook his head. There was nothing to do but unpack. He emptied the bundle of his mother's letters and diaries and his father's folded up work clothes and savings. He ran his fingers across them, trying to feel any lingering traces of his parents, and remembering his mother's gentle smile and his father's big hand on his shoulder. He knew they would want him to live well and honestly even without them there, but he felt as if there were holes in the house in their absence, places they should have filled but left for him alone to occupy.

Setting aside the rest of his things, Kurogane curled up on the floor. The ground was cold and still slightly damp, and air traveled through the canvas to brush harshly against his skin. He knew it wasn't wise to remain like this while still recovering from an illness, but he liked the rawness of the sensation against his nerves. He was alive and thinking and could still move forward. All he needed to do was chart the path, but if it was somewhere he could go, he knew he could bring himself there somehow.

His mind traveled back to his first days in this house, the memory passed to him through his mother. He thought of Fai and Yui and their mother, of Fai racing to him and giving him a name and pressing a kiss on his small forehead. He thought of Yui speaking of being somewhere else and Fai laughing about being Kurogane's bride. Things would never go back to how they were, but perhaps that wasn't what mattered. The memories still lived on, existing in both his mind and his flesh itself. They were alive, just as Fai's were alive and still encased within him. Even if there were things they could not get back, there were still just as many things that they could not hide or run away from as time moved forward.

_I'll bring you back_, he vowed silently. _Even if I spend the rest of my life fighting your hate, I'm not going to let the person I've sworn to protect hurt himself for any longer._

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	8. The One to Blame

**A/N: **I didn't think I'd be able to post today on my normal schedule since I've picked up a 9 to 5 position for the next few weeks, but luckily, Tuesday seems to be a slow work day around here. I hope the same can be said for next week, because I'd like to keep things rolling at the pace I have now. Things may be looking bad for the relationship between Kurogane and Fai, but can a visit from Ashura improve things just a little? Enjoy!

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**Seven: The One to Blame**

Kurogane had decided to give it a month before going to the southern village to bring Fai back. As much as he wanted to drag him home through any means possible and knock some sense into him, he just couldn't rationalize trying to make Fai feel at home again in the village when he barely had a house of his own to begin with. The whole place was in shambles and surrounded by fallen trees and debris, unwelcome reminders of the tragedy that had unfolded there. Before he could even think of bringing Fai back, he had to rebuild a physical place for him to return to that he would not feel compelled to run away from once again.

Rebuilding would have been slow going considering that he was still recovering from his fever, but the relief workers and villagers banded together to produce enough mudbrick to be shared between each of the different reconstruction efforts going on. And when it was announced that Clow Reed's will named Yuuko as the sole successor to all of his lands and properties, she began to pool even more resources into making sure everyone's home and family was looked after. It was not long before Kurogane's home began to take shape again, although the aspects about it he had most loved would not come back.

In the afternoon, he worked on chopping up the trees that had come down nearby his house and shaving down the wood for furniture. He could do without most things in the short term, but he at least wanted to build his family shrine as soon as he could. It would be a rudimentary effort, but he wanted to unroll the beautiful portraits of his parents and begin to mourn both them and Yui properly as soon as he possibly could.

As he worked on sanding the surface of the altar, he saw a pair of sandal-shod feet appear in front of him. He paused his work for a moment and stared at them with narrowed eyes, but resumed as soon as he realized who it was.

"Kurogane-kun," Ashura said in his soft voice. "I trust I find you in better health than when we saw each other last."

"Hmph."

"I'm sorry we couldn't have met during better circumstances. The loss of your family must have been particularly hard on you, and I think that perhaps I forgot to look past my own grief and realize that it would only be more difficult if I took Fai away."

"A little late to be realizing that." Kurogane tossed aside his tools and at last looked Ashura in the eyes. "You have something to talk about, right? Then come inside. But don't expect any food or drinks. I don't have anything."

Ashura stepped inside and looked around. Kurogane had set up a makeshift bed on the floor with sheets and a straw mattress, and other than that, the only things in the house were an old table and the water damaged wardrobe where Kurogane stored his parents' keepsakes and the remains of his clothing.

"Sit down," Kurogane said, waving towards the floor. "I've been sweeping it, so you don't have to worry about it being unclean."

"Of course." Ashura took a seat and folded his hands in his lap. "I'm afraid I don't have any more time for formalities, although I'm sorry to be so impolite. There is something more important I have to ask you. In the past two days, has Fai come to visit you here?"

"That guy? I haven't seen him since he left with you. And if he did come here, there's no way I would have let him leave again."

"That's what I figured, but I felt that I had to ask. Do you know where he might have gone?"

"You mean he's no longer with you, and you have no idea where he is?"

"He disappeared just the other day. No note, not a single word. I went to wake him up, but he was missing from his room, and he wasn't in any of the other places I thought he might be. I hoped he had gone out for a walk and would come back later that night, but he hasn't reappeared since. My next guess was that he came to this village, although I cannot imagine him doing so without the intention of seeing you."

"You saw how things ended last time."

"Even still, Fai isn't the sort of person who could bear being in the same place as you if he couldn't see you. He may be far gone, but not so much so that he would force himself to undergo that particular sort of pain."

"Far gone?" Kurogane echoed. "Just what was that guy doing with himself before he ran off?"

"Nothing. It was like time had stopped for him. He would not show a single emotion, and he wouldn't even eat or get up in the morning unless we directly asked him. We thought spending some time with the child might help him, but even that... he would just hold Ashura like a dead weight in his hands. I would have understood tears or anger, but I never saw any traces of grief in him. Just vacancy."

"Did you try to talk to him about his brother?"

"It... has been difficult. I don't want him to blame Yui."

"Or do you not want him to blame _you_?"

Ashura lifted an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth diving low on his face.

"Hey, it's not like I'm accusing you or anything. But the last thing that guy wants is to face up to what happened. He blames me for stopping him from saving his brother, and he blames the witch for not being able to save any of the people who died. He even blames himself for not being a better person or paying enough attention to what was happening. If you leave him an opening, he'll start blaming you for marrying the banshee and not taking care of her as well as you should. The last thing you need to worry about is him blaming his brother. He'd rather die before doing that at this point."

"But is Yui really to blame?"

"And what's the point in assigning that? Everyone played their role in leading to this outcome, and so many people interfered that you'd have to untangle a web to get to the heart of it." Kurogane crossed his arms. "All he did was assume he was stronger than he really was, that he could handle everything that was happening. And don't we all do that? But that doesn't matter right now. Where else have you looked for that guy? Have you talked to the witch?"

"Not yet, but I will after I leave here. I have... I've had to consider the possibility that he may be trying to kill himself."

Kurogane froze, his mouth going dry. _Of course. _If Fai blamed himself for Yui's death, he might get it into his head to atone with his own blood, taking his life for the life Yui had lost. But if that was the case, why had he run away? Did he not want to run the risk of Ashura catching him in the act? Was there a specific place he wanted to be when he died? A specific way he wanted to die?

Kurogane ground his fist into his palm, anger welling up inside him. "Oi. When you came back after the flood, did you hear anything about where they found the bodies?"

"Of Yui and Shashi? They were on the path leading out of the village, less than a mile west of the river."

"The river." Kurogane grabbed his sandals and headed for the door. "Go to the witch if you still want to talk to her. I think I've figured out where he is."

"Kurogane-kun! Wait just a moment!"

"There isn't time to wait!" He looked over his shoulder. "I'll bring him back. And this time he won't be leaving again, all right?"

0o0o0o0o0o0

The river was still high from the rainfall and the flood. There had only been a few scattered showers since, but the endless downpours from weeks ago had done their work so thoroughly that it would be some time before the water fell back to a comfortable level. The riverbank itself was a sloppy mess, and there was very little ground that wasn't covered in mud or standing water.

Kurogane kicked off his sandals and slipped through the unsteady ground looking for footprints. He couldn't quite be sure which point Fai would come from, or if he had come here at all, but he knew if he didn't check all of his options, he might miss an important clue and arrive too late. He had a feeling that he had guessed correctly about Fai coming to the river. Departing from the world the same way Yui had surely held meaning for him, as foolish as it was.

"Oi!" he called out, scanning the ground and then the waters. "You know that I'm not going to let you die! You've always known that, so stop it with this stupid game!"

Kurogane followed the riverbank further down and paused to listen for any disturbance in the water that could be Fai struggling for his life. Along with the steady push of the waves, there was something faint in the distance, something like an animal crying out or the rasp of someone who couldn't breathe. He held his breath and approached closer. He heard a cough, and then the labored sound of someone panting and choking on the air.

He ran ahead as fast as his legs could carry him through the slippery mud, and found Fai washed up on the shoreline, his body still half in the water and slowly being pulled back by the weight his robes. His hair was drenched and plastered to his face, and water poured out from his lips as he repeatedly choked into the ground.

"Hold on!" Kurogane knelt down and hauled Fai the rest of the way out of the water. Fai immediately began to retch out everything he had swallowed before collapsing into the ground, his chest heaving and his breath unsteady.

Kurogane reached down and gathered him in arms, pressing his body close to his chest to warm him. He was heavy with the weight of the water his clothes had absorbed, but Kurogane did his best to keep a steady grip on him as he worked through the mud and tried to get them set back on the path, back to where he could return and get Fai warm and dry and safe again.

"Kuro... rin..." Fai murmured into Kurogane's neck. "Help... me... please."

"Just keep holding onto me. I'm not going to let you die like this, you understand?"

"Don't... want... to... die."

"Of course you don't. You haven't even begun to live yet. You can't give up on everything now."

"Kuro...rin..." Fai's body went limp, but his breathing was even enough to where Kurogane was certain he would be fine as long as he was dried off and treated quickly.

"You idiot," Kurogane sighed, wiping some of the wet hair from his forehead. "Punishing yourself and everyone else isn't going to bring him back. Nothing will."

His arms straining, he carried Fai the rest of the way back to his home, and set him down on his mattress to begin peeling off his clothes. Given the circumstances, he did his best to empty his mind and not dwell on the fact of Fai's naked body beneath him, cold and unnaturally white. When Fai was undressed, he gathered together some of the wood he had not yet used for furniture and piled it into the hearth to light a fire.

It was another hour before Fai woke up from his rest. He rubbed his eyes and tried to clear his throat, but started coughing and choking all over again. Kurogane handed him a cup of water and waited quietly as he gulped it down.

Fai set the cup aside and gazed up at Kurogane with cloudy blue eyes. "So I didn't die, then," he said in a raspy voice. "I suppose I have you to thank for that, Kurogane."

"Mmm."

"And you just happened to be wandering by the river?"

"Your cousin told me you'd run off. When I thought about it, it wasn't too difficult to figure out what you'd done." He grabbed a towel from the wardrobe and threw it down on Fai's head. "You do know that even if you had died the same way he did, you still wouldn't be able to understand how he felt. Your death wouldn't have solved or clarified anything."

"But it would have ended something." He ran the towel through his hair. "You should have just left me to die."

"That wasn't what you wanted."

"Yes, it was."

"No, it wasn't." Kurogane leaned forward and grabbed Fai's jaw in his hands. "You saw it, didn't you? You almost reached that point where everything was gone, and you turned back because _you didn't want to die_. If you hadn't made that choice, I wouldn't have been able to save you in time." When Fai simply stared at him with defiant silence, he drew away with a disgusted huff and went back to the hearth to stoke the fire.

"Kurogane... how can you still see a point to anything?" Fai demanded as Kurogane took his anger out on the logs. "Yui's dead, your parents are dead, Clow is dead, and all we do is go through life and wait to die and one by one lose everyone else around us."

"So? That doesn't change the fact that you were given a life. It's your own fault if you can't be selfish enough to take something from it." Kurogane gave the logs a hearty slam with his poker and watched the sparks fly into a frenzy. "It's fine. Fine to be mad at me. I don't care."

"Kurogane?"

"You can be mad at me. Mad at yourself. Mad at your cousin for marrying the banshee and mad at the banshee for not having a better hold on herself. Mad at the child for not being a boy, mad at the banshee's father for wanting a son, mad at the witch for not having unlimited power to keep everyone safe, mad at the gods for not stopping the flood, mad at fate for being so cruel. And it's fine to be mad at your brother for taking everything on himself and never realizing he was hurting you. But no matter how mad you are, the past isn't going to change, and neither will the actions we took. All you can do is change the path you're taking and change the future you're heading to so you can keep what happened from happening again. Or you can give up. But as long as I'm here, that's not the future I desire. And I _will _stop you."

Fai didn't say anything for a long time, and when Kurogane finally turned around to look at him, he saw that he was crying.

"K-kurogane," he said, wiping at his eyes. "You're angry with me, aren't you?"

"Yes. If I wasn't, you'd just behave the way you always do and would never change."

"Me, too. I'm f-furious with you. You're two years younger than me, and you act like you know everything. You're unbelievably cruel, and you don't understand even a fraction of everything I feel right now. I c-can't believe I ever fell in love with someone as harsh as you." He covered his eyes with his hands, partway veiling his flushed, damp cheeks. "And Yui. I miss him every second with all that I am, but you're right. I'm angry. Why did he never tell me anything? Instead of leaving us to watch that entire flood in that stupid tree, why didn't... why didn't he just _talk _to me?"

Kurogane sighed and sat next to Fai on the mattress. Fai rested his head on Kurogane's shoulder, crying quietly into the sleeve of his shirt. "I don't know," he said simply. "And never will."

"Well, then think of something to say to make me feel better. If I'm going to be staying here, you shouldn't make me feel worse than I already do, Kuro-chan."

_Kuro-chan_. The name rang through Kurogane's head. It wasn't the heal-all to everything that had drowned in the flood, but it was the first step on the bridge to cross over it. Nothing had been forgiven, but nothing needed to be. All he needed was for Fai to care about him enough to not see the wounds they had given each other as reason enough to let go.

"I won't go back to Ashura's," Fai continued, brushing the last of his tears away. "He already has someone to help him through everything. He doesn't need me."

"That was never in question. The minute you stepped foot in this village, you were going to be back with me. Reviving all the crops is out of the question this season, but when I can start working again, I'll make enough money to support both of us."

Fai pursed his lips. "Now, that doesn't seem quite right. You may be a giant, but you're still just a kid. I should be the one looking after you."

"You're the one without his head on straight. If I let you lead me around, I'll be the next one stuck in the river."

"So cruel." Fai crawled to his feet and began digging through Kurogane's partially broken shelves. "Well, here's a start. You're going to need something to eat sooner or later. There isn't much I can do, but I can at least do this. Yui taught me plenty of what he knew about cooking."

Kurogane balled up the sheets and threw them at Fai. "A-at least put something on, would you?"

"Put something on?" Fai looked down, and lifted an eyebrow. "You did this? How forward of you."

"I'm not stupid enough to leave someone asleep in dripping wet clothes. I don't have time to deal with another fever, okay?"

"I see." Fai wrapped the sheets around his shoulders and closed his eyes. "Will this really be okay, Kuro-chan? You don't have much room here to begin with. And as you get older, I might become a bother to you."

"Shut up," Kurogane advised. "Don't go around acting like it's already happened when it hasn't."

"Hmm. But I wonder. Kuro-chan is reaching that age where so much is subject to change. Is this second chance you're giving me here going to last?" He leaned against the wall and tilted his head back. "And I really don't want to be tempted into making the same mistake twice."

"Oi, what are you talking about?"

"Oh? Nothing. Is Ashura still in the area?"

"He's probably with the witch at the moment."

"Good. Then we can get my things together so I don't have to continue to walk around in a sheet. Until then, can I use your work clothes?"

Kurogane pulled them from the wardrobe and tossed them over. Underneath them was the silk Yuuko had returned to him, the one he had spent all of his hard-earned money on not so long ago. As soon as Fai saw it, he dropped Kurogane's clothes to the floor and approached it slowly. After running his fingers against it as if reacquainting himself with an old lover, he lifted it up and pressed it against his chest, closing his eyes and exhaling slowly.

"Hey," Kurogane said softly. Fai seemed to be under a spell and he hated to break it, but already the sheet was beginning to slip from Fai's shoulders to expose the beautiful lines of his back.

"I really am an idiot," Fai said, burying his face in the silk. He held it there for a minute, and when he finally turned to look over his shoulder, the way moisture still clung to his lashes and his eyes seemed to search Kurogane's for some sort of answer or assurance was so striking that Kurogane could not think of anything more to say, and simply stared and waited for the pulse firing through his body to slow.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

He woke up early the next morning as the first light of the sun broke over the horizon. Fai was asleep beside him on the mattress, curled up so his back was pressed against Kurogane's arm and shoulder. Convenience had demanded they share both the blankets and mattress since Kurogane had nothing more to offer in the way of bedding, but he was beginning to wonder now if it was a good idea. Fai was an active sleeper, someone who grabbed for whatever was nearby to keep himself warmer, burrowing into it and smothering it in his arms. Kurogane had gotten slightly accustomed to it after a few hours, but he doubted he would ever get used to the sight of Fai slumbering with his blonde hair falling over his eyes and cheeks, his slim body swimming in the clothes Kurogane had lent to him. His arms and legs were much longer than Kurogane's, but his chest and shoulder were narrower, and whenever he moved, Kurogane could catch a glimpse of his delicate collarbone and the glorious faint flush of his skin.

He propped himself up in their bed, balling his fists into his hair. _You can forget about love_, Fai had said, but he didn't think he _could _forget anymore. It wasn't something he could erase and rewrite to suit the occasion, at least not immediately. He didn't understand it fully, but something deeper within him than just his mind or even his body both wanted and needed the presence of Fai, as infuriating and foolish as he was. He was an essential element, a part of Kurogane himself, and as hard as it was to go to bed peacefully beside such a person, he did not like the thought of waking up without him there anymore. Even if the future was not certain and subject to change as he grew older and more aware of himself, surely this need, as natural to him as his own blood and bones, would not go away.

"Really am an idiot," he said to himself, biting his lower lip. Fai shifted in his sleep and opened his lips just slightly, and even if he had no more love to give and had closed any further progress down that road, Kurogane was for that moment glad that he had fallen in love with the person there resting at his side.

0o0o0o0o0o0


	9. Possessions

**A/N: **Looks like I'll be able to update on schedule again! First of all, I'd like to send out my traditional thanks to everyone reading and reviewing. It's been fun to hear what you think as our story progresses, and I look forward to hearing more. With our heroes growing up, we'll be moving into the more adult aspects of their relationship... or such as it is with Fai still recovering from Yui's death. The M rating is looming on the foreseeable horizon, so please keep age appropriateness in mind if you are an underage reader and treasure your youth. Enjoy!

0o0o0o0o

**Eight: Possessions**

Kurogane hadn't expected everything to fall perfectly into place just because Fai had made the decision to live with him. The house was still incomplete and damaged, and so too was Fai himself. Though he seemed to take Kurogane's words to heart, he was still more withdrawn than he had ever been as a child, and spent a significant portion of his time sitting in front of Yui's portrait at the altar without saying a word. Kurogane would have felt more comfortable had he at least tried to speak out loud to the image of his brother, but Fai kept whatever he feelings he was still struggling with locked inside his heart, and Kurogane was left to watch over him from a distance.

With the house mostly habitable again, Kurogane had to spend most of his time back in the fields pulling out the damaged crops and helping to prepare the land to be planted again next season. Since both food and money were scarce due to the losses in the village and the fields, Yuuko rationed the stores at the Reed manor and came to visit the workers every day to make sure they were fed and watered after their work. Kurogane hated to admit it, but she was becoming surprisingly good-willed and humble for someone who had come to the village with such an imperious attitude.

A few months after Fai had returned to the village, Yuuko appeared with him in the fields to serve her daily lunch. While the rest of the men laid down their tools to take some bread from her basket, Fai slipped away to join Kurogane as he finished up his work.

"You shouldn't tramp through here," Kurogane said, wiping his forehead. "You'll get your feet all muddy."

"I'll clean them off before going back in the house." Fai swished his feet back and forth in the water that was supposed to irrigate the crops before they had been lost. "Looks like the water level is going down here, too. Will it be ready for the next planting season?"

"We don't have any other choice but to make it ready. Another failed season, and everyone will starve. The witch may have all her bags of money, but even that won't last forever."

"Well, then we'll just have to put our faith in Kuro-sama and everyone else, won't we?" Fai extended his hands, revealing a small wrapped container he had been holding. "This is for you. Thanks for your hard work."

"Hmmm." Kurogane opened it up and inhaled its contents. "Curry?"

"The village Ashura-oniisan is staying in was never flooded, so they still have plenty of food to go around. He brought me the ingredients when he delivered my clothing and things to the house, and I thought I would make you something nice. Here." He passed a pair of chopsticks to Kurogane.

Kurogane took a bite, lifting an eyebrow. "It's good."

"Not as good as what Yui would have done." Fai pursed his lips. "I felt so silly. The whole time I was making it, I kept on talking to the picture of him on the altar. Asking him how how much seasoning he would use, and how spicy you liked it. It was all on my own, but it really felt like I was having a conversation with him, and that the answers he was giving were the feelings welling up in my heart. And all of that went into what I made you, which I think is what would have made Yui the happiest."

Kurogane took a few more bites and licked his lips. "Not just that guy. Me too."

Fai's eyes widened, and a faint flush rose to his cheeks as a surprised smile slowly dawned on his face. Kurogane almost dropped his chopsticks as he watched the expression unveil itself, the beautiful smile it had been so long since he had seen.

"Oi," he said, freeing up one of his hands to gently buff Fai on the chin. "That's good, too. Better than frowning all the time, right?"

Fai laughed lightly, shaking his head. "You're one to talk. By the way, do you have a moment to return to the house after you eat? Yuuko-san wanted a word with us."

"If it's the witch, I can manage it. She's the one who owns these lands, after all. She won't get on me for missing a little bit of work."

After Kurogane had finished up his curry, he and Fai met up with Yuuko to walk back to house. Things were looking better since she had been there last, and the two of them now had a repaired table, a few chairs, and the beginnings of a bed. In his spare time, Fai was also working on painting the family altar, as well as dipping candles to set up with the portraits.

"I applaud you on your resourcefulness," Yuuko said, taking a seat. "I never imagined you would have this house fixed up so soon, especially since you were also busy repairing the fields. I see Fai-kun has done his part to pull his weight since coming."

"What do you think I did all day?" Fai retorted. "Sit around and stare at the walls?"

"Not at all. But I did wonder how you were occupying yourself, and what you will do when this house is completely put together again."

"I'm trying to get better at cooking."

"Yes, but that certainly wouldn't take up an entire day while Kurogane-kun is away working. If you keep up like this, you'll be bored enough to start farming yourself. That's why I want to make a bargain with you."

"Bargain?"

"I have been cleaning the Reed manor since it fell under my care, and I recently took stock of Clow's mother's possessions. You remember her, correct? She died only a few years ago."

"Of course."

"She had in her care quite the collection of kimono. All of them were made from exquisite fabrics and must have cost her a fortune over the years. I was tempted to take them myself or sell them, but Reed-san was... ah, a bit tall for a woman. Quite taller than me or any other woman I've ever met. But I'd imagine if someone undid the stitching and fitted the bolts of silk for a more reasonable size, quite a bit of money could be made in the sale."

Fai blinked, trying not to look too hopeful. "Are you... are you offering them to me?"

"That is what I would like to do. But the fact of the matter is that I just can't hand valuables of that quality over without demanding something in the way of compensation. Many of the families here are suffering, and it would look like favoritism if I simply gave this treasure trove to one person."

"So you're implying that you would expect all of the profits from selling them?"

"That would be unequal and unwise. If you put work into these garments, then balance demands that you reap the profits of that work. I could accept a portion of the profits as well, but that still would be unequal to the total worth of what I am giving you. The best solution would be for you to share a small portion of the profits with me, and also give me something you consider to be of great value to you in the initial exchange."

"But we don't have anything of equal value here anymore. You can't expect us to have enough after we lost nearly everything in the flood."

"I do not mean to suggest that you need to compensate me with something equal in monetary value. What I seek is something of equal emotional value to you. And there is one thing here that qualifies."

"Oi, you aren't going to take away the portrait, are you?" Kurogane asked, his eyes darting to the shrine.

"Do you really think I would reverse something Clow chose to do so quickly?" she asked softly. "Besides, that portrait is of little significance in comparison to the value Fai places on the memory of his brother. And that memory itself has more value than all of the silk in this world. What I am asking for is this." She extended a long finger and pointed to the cream silk still folded on the wardrobe.

"No," Fai said immediately. "That's asking too much."

"Is it? With that one piece of silk, you would only be able to sew one kimono and then you would be finished. Kurogane could perhaps buy you more silk in the future, but you must realize that the money he will earn will go to keeping both himself and you fed. Will you really give up your desire to make kimono for the sake of a single bolt of cloth?"

"Kuro-sama worked hard to buy this for me. It is a precious gift."

"A precious gift, hmm? And here I thought you had given up every hope for that future." She lifted up her hand in a gesture of peace. "Let me be clear of my intention. You will use that silk for the fabric of the first kimono you sew. Then, when the garment is finished, you will give the kimono to me. I will not sell it or misuse it. I will simply keep it for an important event in the future."

"I won't do it."

"Let me impress upon you again the number of kimono in that collection. If you do a quality job with the sewing, it will keep you occupied for well over a year. And with the money you earn, you will be able to afford new silks and even be able to support Kurogane-kun as he will support you. That sounds to me like exactly what you've wanted."

"But I-"

"Hey," Kurogane interrupted. "Let her have it."

"You... you want me to give it away?" Fai's hands trembled in his lap. "Just like that?"

"No. But I do want you to make something out of it rather than leaving it sitting there. And then after you're finished, I want you to make as many as will make you happy." He folded his arms across his chest. "Even if the witch has it for a few years, that's fine. I'll get it back without fail."

"Oh-ho, now that will be interesting," Yuuko laughed. "The great Kurogane negotiating with me for silk. What do you think, Fai?"

"I..." He turned to Kurogane. "You really will get it back?"

"No problem."

"Fine, then." Fai crossed the room and picked up the silk. "Is there a particular style you would like? _Furisode? Komon_?"

"Something formal, I think." She tapped her finger against her lips. "It seems to me the perfect color for a wedding. You could make something lovely out of it with that in mind."

"And the measurements?"

"I'll write them down for you."

"Is that settled, then?" Kurogane asked. "I really should be getting back."

"Of course." Fai bit his lip. "I'm sorry to be giving away your gift so soon, Kuro-sama."

"Don't worry about it. Just make something nice out if it, and it will have served its purpose for the time being."

"And the sooner you make it, the sooner you'll have access to the rest of the silk." Yuuko smiled slyly. "I have a feeling this will be profitable for you both. With both of you working towards a purpose, this new life of yours will well and truly begin."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Kurogane wasn't quite sure he bought the expression "new life." He hadn't been reborn, and his personality certainly hadn't undergone a dramatic change. It was a continuation of life as it had once been, and though it wasn't exactly a new life itself, there was undeniably a newness to it. Instead of waking up every morning to breakfast with his mother and his father and spending the day with Fai and Yui, the entire day was filled with Fai and Fai alone. Fai asleep in his bed, his blonde hair rumpled and hands tangled in the sheets. Fai waking up and rubbing his eyes before preparing a small breakfast and sending Kurogane off to the fields. Fai staying at home and laboring over his silk and thread, lingering in Kurogane's mind as he worked. Fai in his imagination tenderly running his hands over the silk, softer and more beautiful than even the most stunning fabrics. Fai walking through the fields to deliver his lunch, his smile day-by-day returning to his face and growing all the more lovely.

And what Kurogane liked best was when he came home after a long day of work to the sight of someone there waiting for him. The light was too low for Fai to sew properly, so he would he move to the kitchen and make them a simple diner, asking Yui for guidance as he tried to new dishes. The two of them would eat together and discuss the day, Fai generally monopolizing the conversation with neighborhood gossip and news from Ashura or Yuuko or a client who had purchased one of his kimono.

Fai wasn't happy all the time. When it rained, he often spent the day in bed and left Kurogane to take care of the chores and cooking. And true to his word, he never addressed the possibility of love between them or joked about being his bride anymore, even though they were together and as close as any married couple. But for now, Kurogane was content with the way things were. With each day and month and year that passed, he realized they still had some room to grow. What he had once acknowledged as love in his heart when he was younger was only a fraction of what existed within him. Back then, he had been aware of how much he adored Fai's joy and kindness and even his melancholy, but even after they had shared their first and only kiss, he hadn't realized the extent to which he _desired _Fai as both a soul and body.

It was nearly suffocating at times as both his body and Fai's continued to mature with age. He had willingly given up on a physical relationship with Fai when he had forbidden him to save Yui, but it was difficult to have him sleeping nearby every night, painfully lovely and vulnerable, and then to witness him so close at hand without ever being able to touch him. He knew the day would one day come where they would have to confront the line that had been drawn between them in order to reconcile the two futures they wanted for themselves, but until that day arrived, he almost couldn't stand the distance between them and the burden of constant self-denial on his body.

Of course, he knew he was not the only one who was aware of Fai. Most of the girls who had flirted with Fai when they were younger now had either starting courting someone else or divided their attentions between Kurogane himself and the equally unreceptive Doumeki. But every day when Fai came to the fields with his carefully prepared meals, his blonde hair like spun gold in the sun and his body dressed in one of his beautiful silks, Kurogane knew his eyes weren't the only ones among the farmers looking upon him with desire. Some of them fantasized him as the next best thing to a woman, what with his delicate looks and talent for cooking picked up from Yui, but Kurogane knew his own feelings for Fai well enough to tell that a few of them would be willing to take it further than that if they could.

"I can't believe you let that beauty of yours out of the house," one the farmers mused following Fai's daily visit to the fields. "It's not often you see a man who can so easily outshine the beauty of all the women here. It must be difficult for all the wives who come to deliver food to their husbands to feel confident when he's around."

"He's not _mine," _Kurogane snarled, glaring at the man. "He's his own person."

"Ah, sorry for speaking so forwardly. I forgot that you have a temper on you."

"I've forgotten everything about you, apparently. I don't even know who you are."

"Eh? I've lived here my entire life! I'm only a few years older than you, so we were practically kids together! My name is Kei-"

"Don't bother. I won't remember anyways." Kurogane paused for a moment, his scowl deepening. "And don't get any ideas about that guy. No matter how beautiful he is, he's still a man."

"Yes, I'm well aware of that. And if you're not claiming him, perhaps I _can_ get ideas. If I remember correctly, you should be about seventeen by now, so a years down the road and you'll want to get married, which will leave him open for a new living situation."

"I don't know anything about getting married."

"So you have no interest in Fai-san _and _no interest in women? It seems rather cruel to just keep him with you if you never intend to do anything, doesn't it?"

Kurogane said nothing and turned his attention back to the crops. _I do intend to do something, _he groused to himself. _But even I'm not going to force an issue that he's not prepared to handle as he is. But then if I give him a little more time, who knows how many other guys like this will start appearing around him?_

When he returned to the house following the work day, Fai had a dinner of salted salmon and steamed vegetables waiting for him. He was full of chatter about some piece of news or another, something about Doumeki coming to visit from the city where he was training for the priesthood, but Kurogane listened half-heartedly and picked at his food, dwelling instead on how he could minimize the amount of unwanted insects that were beginning to swarm Fai.

Fai paused his speech and looked down at Kurogane's still full plate of food. "It... it's not very good, is it? I cooked it for too long."

"Hmm? No, it's fine."

"Then why aren't you eating? And why are you scowling like that?" Fai leaned forward and narrowed his eyes. "You haven't gotten sick, have you?"

"I haven't been sick since that fever three years ago."

"Then is something wrong?"

"Hmph." Kurogane tapped his chopsticks against the plate, wondering how to word what he was thinking properly. "When you come to the fields in the afternoon to bring me lunch..."

"Yes?"

"Is there any chance that you could come dressed a little less..." He trailed off again, searching for the word.

"A little less nicely? Are you worried about my clothes being stained by the water?"

"And there's no need to compete with everyone else bringing food. It's a field full of men, and they'll have their eyes on the women."

"I see." Fai set down his chopsticks and stared expressionlessly at the remains of his salmon. "I would hate to distract Kuro-sama from a pretty girl."

"Oi, I just don't want people to think you're exactly like those 'pretty girls' you're talking about. There have been comments."

"Oh?"

"And if I have to shut them up with a fist to the face, I'll run the risk of having the witch dock my pay."

Fai raised his eyes, still keeping his expression blank. "Does it really bother you so much?"

"Do you think I like to hear people who barely even know you speaking about you like that just because you look a certain way? Their eyes don't see anything more than what's on the surface. It's disgusting." Kurogane stabbed into his fish and took a huge bite. "It doesn't matter what you're wearing or if you don't even bother to comb your hair when you come to see me. I'll still watch for you."

Fai's mouth fell open slightly, and he looked on without speaking as Kurogane polished off the rest of the meal. It wasn't until Kurogane thanked him for the food and rose from the table that he said under his breath, "I can't tell if you're the one who is misunderstanding things, or if I am."

"What did you say?"

"We've spent most of our lives together. Kuro-tan must feel sometimes that I belong to him exclusively."

"That thought has never crossed my mind. It's better for me if you're here of your own free will rather than because I make you feel obligated to."

"But surely... when people imply things, you get upset because they're coming too close to something that's yours."

"And since when," Kurogane wondered, clenching his fists, "have you ever been mine? Possessions are things you can set down and pick right back up later without them having changed, and things you can use for whatever purpose without having to ask or order them. If you think there's some sort of misunderstanding going on, then it's all on your side. I've never thought of you like that. _Ever_."

Fai massaged his forehead with his hand. "In that case, there's nothing for you to worry about. It's only natural people would vocalize an interest in something they find attractive. That shouldn't offend you. After all, you have plenty of women at any given time implying they wouldn't mind marrying someone like you."

"Hmph." Kurogane glanced over to where Fai's latest bolt of silk was draped over the back of a chair. "Didn't you say when you bought that silk over there that there was someone else looking at it, too?"

"Mhmm. Some younger girl who wanted something to wear to next year's hanami picnic."

"And didn't you say that though you understood why she wanted it, you hated the thought of her buying it and taking it away from you?"

"Yes. She had said she'd never sewed anything before, and I thought she might damage it. It was such a pretty fabric that I thought it would be unfortunate if it was ruined just because she was inexperienced."

"So you weren't upset that she wanted the same _thing _you wanted. You were bothered by the thought that someone might not treasure something that you knew you would take perfect care of."

"I suppose." Fai at last finished up his meal and rose to gather the dishes. "But why did you change the subject to bring up that again?"

Kurogane blinked. "Oi. Are you _trying _not to understand, or do you really not get it?"

"If there's something you want me to understand, just explain it and stop dancing around the subject."

"But the fact that you can't even begin to understand it without words tells me that you're still not ready!"

The two fell silent for a moment, stewing in their own separate thoughts. After a few minutes, Fai sighed and set aside the plates to cross the room and lean his head on Kurogane's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Kurorin. I don't want us to fight, and I didn't mean to be weird about it. The fact is, I don't make an effort to look nice because I want to be noticed by people like that. You've got that part all wrong."

"Then why?"

"I can't help being a selfish person. So many people have been looking at Kuro-tan and hoping he will fall in love with them, and though I don't know what Kuro-tan will do in the future, for now I'm the one Kuro-tan wants to live with. It's a special distinction, and while I still have it, I want to be able to be proud of the fact that you chose me in front of everyone else that wants to be chosen."

Kurogane turned to look at Fai, his forehead creasing. "Oi, does that-"

"But when the time comes for Kuro-tan to fall in love, I'll have to step aside gracefully, won't I?" Fai interrupted. "So please, while I still can, let me be selfish and show off a little, all right?"

Kurogane sighed and rapped his knuckles against Fai's head. "Selfish, huh? More like infuriating. Don't know why I put up with you."

"Me either. But I'm glad you do." With a half-smile, Fai gave Kurogane's shoulder one last pat and turned back to the dishes still left to clean, the subject hanging open and unresolved between them.

0o0o0o0o0o0


	10. Where Forever Lies

**A/N: **Thank you guys for continuing to read and review! Things are beginning to reach a boiling point for Kurogane and Fai, but whether it's for better or for worse is up to them. But one thing is for sure: they can't ignore what's happening right in front of them for any longer. Enjoy!

0o0o0o0o0o

**Nine: Where Forever Lies **

Kurogane lifted his head to the blazing sun, setting aside the basket of rice he had picked and tipping back his sun hat so he could get a better look at the sky overhead. He had never been very good at telling the time based on the position of the sun, but he could guess that it was nearing mid-afternoon and that he had been working at a good pace to complete his duties in a timely fashion. The sooner he finished up with the day's picking, the sooner he could get home and wind down with Fai and regain the energy his muscles and the heat had been sapping. His body had grown strong with his years of physical labor, but his back still ached with all the bending and stooping, and Fai had a fair hand at soothing his muscles and erasing the burden of the day from his body. It was still difficult for him to endure the intimacy of Fai's hands working his back, but even that pain was enticing enough to make him spend the whole day in anticipation of returning home.

"Have you heard the news?" a voice came from over his shoulder. He turned his head just slightly to see the man whose name he could never remember, the one with the grating over-interest in Fai, hovering over him with a pleased expression on his face.

"Who are you again?" Kurogane asked, giving the man a glare for good measure.

"We've been over this for the past two years. I'm Ke-"

"The desperate guy who can't keep his eyes to himself."

"I'd rather you didn't remember me for that. Can't you just call me K-"

"Hmph. What news do you have? Has someone finally taken pity on you?"

"I don't know how someone as gentle as Fai-san can put up with a brute like you."

"Ha? You think that guy is gentle? He only wraps people around his finger for his own purposes. And if you're going to tell me about your news, just do it. I've got work to do."

The man leaned forward. "I'm sure you've heard that Doumeki-san is back for good and is preparing to be placed at the head of the rebuilt temple. But I bet you didn't know he's brought a government official from the city with him to stay in the village for the next few months."

"And?"

"And? Yuuko-san may be the landowner in this village, but she doesn't have anything to do with the government like Clow-san's father did. All legal matters still have to go through the government officials."

"And?"

"That means if someone wants to have a wedding registered so that their spouse will be taken care of in case of an accident, a government official has to be the one to update the family registry. That's why a lot of couples in this village are planning on having weddings while the official is still close at hand."

"All right. Why do I need to hear about this?"

"If I remember correctly, Fai-san always wanted to be a bride when he was younger. I thought if that was still the case, I might have a fair chance."

"You? 'Have a fair chance?'" Kurogane snorted. "Then let me remind you of what I reminded him back then: that person is a man. If he wants to get married, he's not going to be able to do it with someone like you. Not that I think he even knows who the hell you are, to begin with."

"Whoever it is Doumeki-san's brought isn't going to know anything about Fai-san. Put him in a nice kimono and rouge his cheeks a little, and a stranger isn't going to know the difference."

Kurogane closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You have five seconds to get away before I test how well one of those scythes over there works on your legs."

"Aren't you overacting?"

"Aren't you thinking a little too much of yourself? Have you ever even spoken to that guy, or are you just getting carried away on your own because you want those eyes to look at you instead?" Kurogane reached over to grab the scythe.

"All right, all right. But perhaps you should think about it for yourself if you feel the need to get so defensive. You were the one he wanted to be a bride for in the first place, right?"

Kurogane slammed his sun hat the rest of the way onto his head and began picking the rice with renewed vigor. _Just because everyone else treats him like a woman doesn't mean I'm going to_, he grumbled to himself. _That's not going to make him happy, being seen for someone he isn't._

He paused. _But what will? _Fai had been able to safely endure Yui's death, and he was enjoying the small business he had sewing and refitting kimono within the village, but it didn't seem anywhere near to enough. Kurogane could still remember the moment two years ago when Fai had openly claimed he took pride in being a person Kurogane had chose to keep by his side, but never did he seem to realize that Kurogane was not looking forward towards a moment when they would separate, but one where they would stay together. Maybe it was the thought of losing Kurogane that made him unhappy, but at the same time, he never took a moment to realize the love that was continually being directed towards him, or the man waiting for him to give up on his promise to erase his own love and at last give in.

What would make Fai happy? Was the static life they were living now enough, or was it really the promise of forever that he wanted, though he claimed to have given up?

Kurogane resumed his work again, cursing under his breath. There was only one way left to find out, and there was no telling how that conversation would go. But maybe it was finally time. He was nineteen and still young by most people's standards, but the pool of time he had would not last forever, and in the back of his mind he heard a young voice calling out to him saying _I'm not holding everything as certain, but I want you to be._

0o0o0o0o0o0o

When Kurogane returned to house, a metal basin was waiting in the middle of the floor where the table should have been. Fai was standing over it with a bucket in his hands, and when he met Kurogane's eyes, he smiled and began pouring water into it.

"Do I have to?" Kurogane asked.

"You're not the one who has to share a bed every night with a sweaty Kuro-pon." Fai emptied out the bucket and nodded to where he had shoved the table to the back room. "I have egg rolls waiting for you over there, so eat while I finish filling up."

Kurogane grumbled under his breath, but went over to eat as Fai went to and from the house fetching water from the well. He clearly would not be able to get any talking done today. Fai was enthusiastic when it came to bathing, and loved dumping water on Kurogane's head just to watch him sputter and have his hair plastered all over his face.

When he'd finished eating, he looked back into the main room, hoping that Fai had gotten distracted on his way back from the well so that he could slip out before he got back. He wasn't so lucky.

"I'm all ready over here!" Fai lifted up two bars of sandalwood soap and pulled his arms out of the sleeves of his robes so it fell around his waist. "Good thing I decided to do this today. Kuro-sama is looking extra dirty!"

"Fine, fine. That's enough out of you."

With a few more exaggerated complaints, Kurogane began pulling off his work clothes and discarding them on the floor. He looked at Fai out of the corner of his eye when he was fully undressed, but he was, as always, staring at his feet with a troubled expression on his face, avoiding even glancing at a single part of Kurogane's exposed body. Kurogane sighed and stepped into the tub, sucking in his breath at the chill of the water against his bare skin. Although he'd worked up a sweat earlier, it still felt uncomfortable now that he'd had the chance to sit still for awhile and catch his breath.

Fai handed Kurogane one of the soaps to use on his chest and legs, and then began scrubbing Kurogane's hair with the other. Fai usually took this time to gossip or talk, but today he said nothing, simply running his fingers through Kurogane's dark strands and humming under his breath.

"Oi," Kurogane said. "Everything fine?"

"Mmm. Now that Doumeki-kun is back, I've heard several people are preparing to get married."

"Yeah, I heard that, too."

"I'm worried that Yuuko-san may give one of them the kimono I made. The one from the fabric you gave me. She did say it was for an event in the future, right? What if she gives it as payment for a favor someone does for her?"

"Hmph. I did tell her that I would come back for it, remember?"

"I know. But I'm certain she had something in mind when she asked for it. She wouldn't take it away if she was going to give it right back, knowing her. And I don't think I could stand seeing someone else in it."

"You're still thinking about that, huh?" Kurogane twisted his torso so he was facing Fai. "Even if someone else wears it, that doesn't mean it's not meant for you."

"But someone else being married in the silk Kuro-tan worked hard to buy for me... how cruel of Yuuko-san."

"Oi..." Kurogane unthinkingly reached out to stroke Fai's hair, but before he could, Fai whipped out the bucket of water and dumped it over his head with a wicked grin.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" Kurogane yelled, rubbing water out of his eyes and sputtering. "At least warn me before you do that!"

Fai started giggling as water continued to stream down Kurogane's face. "You look so cute, Kuro-chan," he laughed, rubbing his own eyes. "I'm so glad I get to see you like this. That's something that hasn't been taken away from me yet."

With another light chuckle, he began to scrub down Kurogane's back. "You know, I never asked why you bought that for me. I was so happy at the time, I didn't think to."

"It's because I wanted you to be."

"Be what? Happy?"

Fai's hand stopped for a moment, and in that time, Kurogane rose to his feet before Fai could even think to look away. He looked him steadily in the eye, his body soaked and dripping with water, and watched as Fai's eyes widened and his cheeks turned a dark red. "Yes," he said. "Just like I want you to be now."

"Umm," Fai murmured. "Kuro-tan is being awfully bold."

"I've washed for enough. Get in."

"But I didn't do anything today. I'm all nice and clean."

"The witch won't be happy if we're wasting water. Get in."

Fai sighed and undid his sash so his robes fell the rest of the way open. Kurogane watched as he pulled them off and threw them on top of the already discarded clothes. He could not help but smile at the way Fai tried to be coy about his bare skin, but managed to look so wonderful as he wiggled away from Kurogane's eyes that it completely defeated the purpose.

"Kuro-sama shouldn't look at me like that," Fai murmured, looking over his shoulder. When their eyes met once again, the air between them seemed to go silent, holding its breath up until the moment Fai finally looked away.

"Why?"

"Because it will make things difficult."

"Things?"

Fai shook his head and stepped in the bath, curling up so his body was shielded. Kurogane went to the shelf and pulled out Fai's bars of lavender soap and handed one to him.

"Kuro-sama's would have been good enough for me," he said, dipping the bar into the water and running it down his long forearms. "You have a good scent."

"It's better if we don't smell the same." He drew the bar down Fai's back, using his other to hold him by the shoulder to keep him steady. "And stop jerking away like that. I'm not hurting you, am I?"

"No... it's not that."

Kurogane watched Fai's trembling hand as it lifted the bar of soap to his collarbone but then let it fall into the water when his fingers fell open with how badly they were shaking. Fai made to reach down and retrieve it, but Kurogane grabbed his wrist and firmly locked it with his hand.

"Oi," he said, leaning closer to Fai's neck so his breath tickled against it. "It's get tiring, isn't it?"

Fai remained frozen for a moment, though Kurogane could feel his pulse racing wildly against the palm of his hand. "W-what is?"

"Pretending everything is over."

Fai bowed his head and released a laugh so hollow that the air seemed to go cold as it rang through it. "It really is no good," he said, staring into the water surrounding him. "Even though I promised, it seems we're back here. But still... it's still only me who feels like this."

"Oi, wait a mo-"

"I thought it would be okay as long as we were together. I thought I could be happy at Kurorin's side even if I acted like nothing had happened and made you believe that I never really could forgive you. But it was always just me stalling for time so I could be with you without you rejecting me." He slammed his free hand into the water, sending up a shower of droplets. "I didn't want to have to suffer through watching you not being able to give an answer because you don't want me to be hurt. Not again. And now you've figured it out, and you're going to force yourself to-"

A flash of anger struck within him, and Kurogane roughly pulled his arms around Fai's body and slammed him against his chest. "Would you shut up?" he hissed. "When have I ever forced myself to do anything? Do you realize what would have happened if I had given you an answer back then?"

"K-kuro-sama?"

"It wouldn't have ended the way it did now. I would have still kept you from going after your brother, but if you had known everything back then, you wouldn't have seen it as something I had chosen to do. You would have assumed I had done it out of love, and seen that love as what had killed your brother. Would you forgive me, then? Would you have forgiven even that?"

"W-what are you saying?"

"If you don't know, then _try to understand_."

He pressed his forehead against Fai's wet back, letting him feel the glorious fever rising in his body, the desire that could no longer be pushed into the shadows. It felt like years before he at last felt Fai shift, turning just slightly and whispering _Kuro-sama _in a voice that seemed desperate, lost, yet begging for an answer.

Kurogane lifted his head and toyed his fingers through the ends of Fai's hair. "Mmmm?" he hummed, his heart pounding as Fai shivered and goosebumps appeared on his white skin.

"I don't understand. I'm afraid of understanding." Fai turned his head, exposing damp blue eyes that reminded Kurogane of years ago, of a sakura grove and a beautiful figure who had whispered _Please, just let me _before leaning closer with a burning gaze he had never been able to look away from."That's why... I need you to _make _me understand."

Without thinking any further, Kurogane cupped Fai's jaw with his palm to turn his face to an angle where his parted lips were exposed. Fai closed his eyes and lifted his chin to accept Kurogane's mouth as it met his, releasing only a quiet moan before he was drawn fully into the embrace.

It had been a long time since they had done this, but Kurogane remembered the first time well enough to tell the emotions and desires in both of them had changed. Fai was still uncertain, but there was a powerful emotion something like despair pushing him to pull Kurogane further into him, their damp limbs wrapping around each other and Kurogane's tongue sliding past Fai's lips to at last taste what had once only haltingly touched his. He was old enough now to fully appreciate its rough texture and how it somehow managed to feel gentle as it curled into his, testing the slick body bearing down on him.

Fai pulled away for a moment, perhaps for the purpose of catching his breath, but Kurogane's hand still resting against his cheek eased him back. His eyes fluttered shut, and Kurogane took his lower lip between his teeth, giving it a gentle nip before kissing him properly again. Fai tried to twist to a more comfortable position in the tub, but only ended up slipping slightly and pulling Kurogane partway back into the water with him.

"Kurorin," he whispered when the necessity of their position forced them to pull apart once again.

"Hmmm?" Kurogane opened his eyes to see Fai staring up at him with the most striking expression he had ever seen, a mixture of pure, untempered desire and a near paralyzing fear. The ends of his hair had gone beneath the water when he'd slipped, and now stuck to his long, flushed neck. Kurogane wanted more than anything to put his mouth over the most vulnerable part of Fai's throat and spend a lifetime getting acquainted with it, but he also knew there would be no going forward without first addressing the look of terror still lingering in Fai's eyes.

"It's been this way from the very beginning," Fai whispered, clutching his fist over his heart. "I've wanted you so badly that it hurt to be around you. Every time we laughed and smiled together made me happy, but it was also so painful that I almost couldn't bear it. Before the flood, I thought everything would be okay. I believed with all my heart that we would be together and you would love me as much as I loved you. But then... after I lost Yui, I stopped believing in the future. I didn't think anything could last forever anymore."

Kurogane stared at him, waiting for him to go on. Now he understood what Fai had been thinking of all those times he had sat silently in front of the altar, staring at Yui's portrait. He wanted to yell at him, to shake him to his core and make him understand that if he had confided his fear earlier that they could have dealt with it together, but he knew better than anyone that the past could not be undone. They either had to move forward willingly with time or be dragged along by it.

"Even when you brought me back, I never thought for a moment this would last," Fai continued. "It was always, always on my mind. _One day Kuro-sama will tell me it's time to go. When he's older, Kuro-tan will find someone he loves and I'll go back to having nothing anymore_. I know you wouldn't. Maybe I always knew. But I can't see the future. I don't know anything for certain. I don't even know if there's something I can hold onto forever without it being taken away from me."

"And the promise of forever... that's what you're looking for?"

"I don't know. Maybe I've forgotten how to look for something in the first place. I feel like I'm locked in that moment with Kuro-sama in the tree when I knew there was nothing I could do to save Yui and nothing I could do to bring him back. I feel like my mind has frozen inside that helplessness. Even with Kuro-sama, I don't feel like I can touch you without breaking you. But I want you, and I want to be able to accept you without fearing anything. But right now... I'm stuck. Stuck in a moment and left behind by time."

"No such thing," Kurogane said, still cradling Fai in his arms. "A frozen moment doesn't exist. Even if you feel like time has stopped for you, it's gone on for everyone else, and the world itself will keep on turning no matter who tries to stop it. You're not there anymore. You're here. You can keep pulling yourself back to that moment and give up believing in everything else, but you're still here. And I'm here with you."

"Kuro-chan..." Fai leaned his body into Kurogane's and buried his face in his chest. "If forever existed, I'd want to spend it with you."

"It does exist."

"Then I want to see it again. I want to look into the future and be able to feel happy and certain that everything I have is mine to keep."

_The thing that will make him happy..._

Kurogane sighed and hoisted Fai out of the tub. "All right. If you want to see forever, I'll take you there. But for now, I'm not going mess things up by giving you something you want but don't believe in." He leaned down to kiss Fai's forehead. "Go to bed. I'll clean this up."

"But Kuro-sama, I don't want this to have to hurt you, too."

"Don't misunderstand. I'm not going to wait around for you for years anymore. This is going to happen, and then... then you will understand just how much I believe in the fact that I want you. But I'm not going to be the one to do all the work here. You owe it to me not to doubt this either."

"I'll try." Fai grabbed his robe and wrapped it around his body. "No, I won't just try. I _will. _Because when Kuro-tan kissed me, that was the first time I've ever felt so close to believing again. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

Kurogane watched his retreating back and exhaled slowly. There was no more time left for waiting. He was going to resolve it, and the path to the solution opened up in front of him, somewhere he could and would go without hesitation.

0O0o0o0o0o0o

When he woke up the next morning, Fai stirred beside him and opened his eyes. "Morning already?" he murmured. "Mmmm. I'll prepare breakfast."

"Don't." Kurogane groaned and rolled out of bed. "There's still fruit left from your last trip to the market."

"But I want to feed you properly!" Fai sat up in bed, still undressed from the night before. "I can't let you go work so hard after just eating some fruit."

Kurogane grabbed an apple and bit into it. "It's fine. What you need to do today is stay still and think." He sat back down on the bed and looked into Fai's eyes. "I won't be in the fields for lunch today. There's something I need to talk to the witch about, so don't worry about that. But when I come home, we're going to have a chat, you and I."

"So soon?"

"So soon. I told you, I'm not going to wait anymore."

He leaned over and kissed Fai on the lips and smoothed his rumpled hair back. When he pulled away, Fai opened his eyes slowly and granted Kurogane the same look as yesterday, the pure conflict between want and fear.

"I have to go," Kurogane whispered. "But this is the last time you'll have to watch my back and fear that I won't come back."

"I'll have faith in you, Kuro-sama," Fai said, taking his hand and squeezing it. "No matter how painful it is."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Yuuko was set up in the main room of the manor when Kurogane went to look for her. Her long body was laid on the chaise lounge, and her yukata, one of Fai's creations, was loosely tied and barely managed to fully conceal her legs and chest. She was smoking one of her pipes and sipping a cupe full of sake, which she continually waved and demanded that Watanuki refill.

"Hey," Kurogane said from the doorway, watching the whole scene with a wrinkled nose. "Don't you think he's a little too old to be your whipping boy?"

"Hmm? He's still good for the work until someone takes him off my hands. And as Doumeki-kun is rather occupied at the moment, it seems I'll have to put up with him a little longer." Yuuko chuckled as Watanuki hissed at her like an angry cat. "Leave us for a moment, Watanuki-kun. Kurogane-kun wants an audience with me."

When Watanuki was out of the room, Yuuko turned back to Kurogane. "So, to what do I owe this honor?"

Kurogane stood where he was for a moment, gritting his teeth and letting out a few choice curses. Yuuko watched him with with a knowing smile, but gave him some time to do what he came to do.

"Are you just going to stand there?" she asked at length, blowing some smoke into his face. "I do have more valuable ways of spending my time, as I'm sure you know. Unless you have something to ask of me...?"

Kurogane didn't answer. He simply fell to the ground on his knees and then touched his forehead to the ground before where Yuuko was seated. "P-please... Y-Yuuko-san," he said, choking out the words he hated himself for saying. "Give it back."

He didn't lift his head, but he could hear Yuuko take a puff of her pipe and slowly exhale. "My, my," she said. "I would have never guessed this is how you would choose to do this."

"Please. Give it back."

"You are offering me your precious dignity, correct? For a person as proud as you, this is indeed a rare gift. As is the fact that you have given me the honor of hearing my own name spoken by your voice. That is something you do not choose to do until the exact moment it is needed, I understand." Kurogane heard her rise from her seat. "Look up at me for a moment. Do you understand the event this kimono was made for?"

Kurogane looked her squarely in the eye. "Yes. You said it had an affinity for him. There's no way you'd give it for any wedding other than his."

"That is correct. Placing that kimono in the hands of someone else would yield only ill fortune. But tell me this: are you asking for me to return it for his sake or yours?"

Kurogane knitted his forehead together in confusion. "Both. That guy's happiness and mine... they're both headed towards the same future. Why does it have to be one or the other?"

"I see. In that case, I will accept your price on the condition you answer me one more thing. Had this been entirely up to you, I doubt you would have seen this as a necessary step. You were always dismissive of all his dreams of brides and weddings, and saw the simple act of staying by a person's side as just as meaningful as signing it on a paper and sealing it. What has changed for you now, Kurogane-kun? What have you learned?"

Kurogane shrugged. "The individual things that make that guy happy are different. I may see forever in the way things are, but if the forever he wants is something concrete that he can see and touch, I'll give it to him. I'll give him whatever sign he needs until he can see it and understand on his own." He frowned, thinking of the look in Fai's eyes that very morning. "He's spent his whole life ready to give up, and ready for me to do the same. If there's something I have to do to make that change, I'll do it."

"Very well." Yuuko lifted a bell and shook it until Watanuki came back to the room shrieking at her for being annoying. "Watanuki-kun, fetch Kurogane-kun the kimono for Fai. Let us see how this future will continue to unfold."

0o0o0o0o0o0


	11. Fusion

**A/N: **Hey guys! All of you, my lovely readers, truly blew me away last week in showing the power of a little KuroFai action. The last chapter wins the award for receiving the most views at the fastest rate of this story, so I hope you all are enjoying the anticipated fruition of the feelings these two have for each other. That being said, I'm sure you've guessed that with this next chapter THE M RATING IS IN EFFECT. Please keep in mind age appropriateness, and enjoy responsibly!

0o0o0o0o0o0o

**Ten: Fusion**

It was dark by time he made it back home. After giving him Fai's kimono, Yuuko had kept him for homemade lunch cooked by Watanuki, complete with bottles of sake Doumeki and his political guest had brought from the city. Since it had been her decision to detain him, he had thought she would give him extra time off the work day, but she'd reminded him that if he was taking the next two days off to be with Fai, he had no right to ask anything more from her.

Fai was seated by the family shrine when Kurogane walked in, arranging fresh picked flowers for Yui and Kurogane's parents. A plate of rice and fish was waiting for him on the table, but Fai's own dishes appeared to be emptied and cleaned earlier.

"I'm back," Kurogane said, kicking off his sandals. "Didn't mean to be so late. The witch made her kitchen slave cook us something, and then she got drunk..." He rubbed his forehead. "And I thought _you _were annoying when you drank too much."

"What? I thought Kuro-tan liked it when I tried to play kitty and doggie with him." Fai smiled, lifting his head. "Welcome back. If you're not too full, please accept the meal I made. It probably won't be as good as Watanuki-kun's, but I did my best."

"It will be just fine." Kurogane sat down and clapped his hands together. "_Itadakimasu."_

Kurogane dug into his food and Fai watched him, remaining strangely silent. There was expectant look on his face, as if there was something he was waiting to say, but as the minutes passed he remained motionless, holding Kurogane's eyes in a heavy gaze but saying nothing.

"What did you do today?" Kurogane asked at length, dispelling the quiet tension between them. He knew they were going to have to talk about what had happened yesterday since there was no way back from that moment any longer, and it seemed better to get the dialogue flowing now, before Fai could reconsider whatever he had on his mind and build up another wall between them.

Fai turned back to his flower arrangement. "I decided not to go out today. Kuro-tan told me to sit still and think, and there were so many things to think about."

Kurogane watched him out of the corner of his eye as he ate, trying to get a grasp on how Fai was feeling in the moment. The true melancholy he had felt when Yui had died wasn't present, and neither was the full extent of his fear from the day before. But still, Kurogane did not feel as if Fai was all the way there in front of him, completely open and honest. There was something he was still holding back and keeping close to his heart, something he was not yet willing to allow Kurogane to see.

"Well, then," Kurogane said. "What did you think of?"

"My mother. It's been so long since I've thought about her that it just seemed right. Yui and I were young when she died, and we shifted right from losing her to moving in with Ashura and Shashi. It doesn't feel as if we had any time at all to realize what happened." He lifted one of the flowers and twirled it in his fingers. "But it's not as if there's very much to remember anymore. She wore lace dresses and had blonde hair like mine, and when she spoke, she had an accent different from the one here. But there was this one time I can still remember, just days before she died, that I sat on her lap and asked her what love was." He laughed to himself. "It was because of you, you know. I'd heard you were supposed to marry someone you loved, and I wanted to make sure I loved you so we would be able to get married."

"What did she say?"

Fai closed his eyes and folded his hands over his heart. "'Love is a happiness and hurt so strong it can cause you to break.'" His hands trembled as the words left his lips. "I didn't know what she meant by breaking until she died, and I never fully understood it until..."

"Until your brother died?"

Fai shook his head. "Before that. I think it was when I confessed to you. I was so happy to share my feelings with Kuro-sama, and so terrified that I would one day be hurt by those feelings. It really felt, in that moment, like I might break." He opened his eyes again and placed the flower in his hands in front of Yui's portrait. "I've always tried to put the blame on Kurorin and everyone else I possibly could for feeling unhappy. But this feeling always began and ended with me, didn't it? I was so terrified of that hurt that I forgot about the happiness. And when Kurorin started to care for me, it was easier for me to pretend I didn't notice so I didn't have to risk anything else."

Kurogane finished his last bite and pushed his dishes to the side. "I wouldn't do something that would hurt you."

"I know."

"And I don't intend to go anywhere anytime soon." He glanced at the image of Yui, and then at his parents. "Even if it feels like you will, you don't have to break. It's your choice. As I said, if I'm here to stop you, I will without hesitation. It's not the future either of us are looking for."

"I know."

"Good, then." He lifted up the parcel Yuuko had wrapped the kimono in and handed it to Fai. "What you wanted is right here."

"A gift?" Fai accepted the bundle and slowly undid the twine holding the paper together. With a choked cry, he lifted up his first kimono, displaying the beautiful silk Kurogane had purchased five years ago and burying his face in its folds. Kurogane thought it reeked of incense from its extended stay with Yuuko, but Fai apparently didn't mind, and devoted himself fully to his reunion with his lost gift.

"You should try it on and see if it fits," Kurogane advised, though he felt like he could watch Fai glorying over the kimono for days if need be.

"But this wasn't made for me, Kuro-chi. If I remember correctly, the measurements were for someone..." He trailed off, the realization slowly dawning on him.

"Someone taller than what you were five years ago," Kurogane finished for him. "Because it was made for you."

"But I thought it must be for Yuuko-san, or one of the taller women in the village. If it really was made for me, then why did she refer to a special event which would happen in the future?"

"Because you're going to wear that when we go to the shrine tomorrow."

"We're going to the shrine tomorrow? Is there something we need to pray about? Or a wedding?"

"A wedding."

"I don't remember anything about that. Whose is it?"

"Ours."

Fai stared blankly at him for a full minute. "K-kuro-sama, that's not a very nice joke," he said finally, forcing a smile.

"I don't joke."

"I know you don't. That's why I'm a little bit confused about this." Fai rose to his feet and began to pace. "I mean, this is something you said you would never do."

"Circumstances change."

"And I'm a man."

"After all those years of insisting on being my bride, you're pointing that out now?"

"But surely Kuro-sama would find it troublesome to be tied down to someone?"

"Just how long have I been living with you?"

Fai stared down at him, opening his mouth and then shutting it again.

"Any more excuses?" Kurogane asked. "You were the one who wanted forever. You were the one who said that there would come a time where I wouldn't want this treated as a joke. Now that it's happening, are you going to make it one?"

"B-but... surely Kuro-tan is not doing this because he wants to..."

Kurogane rose to his feet and slammed his hands into the wall on either side of Fai's head. "How many times do I have to tell you? This is the future I'm choosing." He leaned closer. "I don't know how many times you're going to worm this out of me in my lifetime, so you better listen to it now while I'm still exhausted enough by you to say it."

"W-what?"

"I want you." Kurogane paused and shook his head. "No, that won't be enough. I'm not going to spend my life with anyone else. Now or ever. And when I say forever, I _mean _it. As in, you're going to have to give up on thinking this is something that will go away at any moment, because it's not going to."

He lowered his head and kissed Fai gently on the lips, not pushing it as far as he had yesterday, but holding onto him as long as necessary to reinforce the point. Whenever he pulled away to catch his breath, he would dive right back in, allowing no time for Fai to doubt or question him further. Though the more untamed part of him wanted to push him all the way against the wall and take him right then and there, the disciplined boy his parents had raised knew that everything would be pointless if Fai would not accept the life he offered in this moment. If Fai still wasn't sure, he would press the matter until he was.

Fai at last pushed him away just slightly with a gentle tap on the chest. "Kuro-sama is so brusque," he murmured, his eyes shining and somewhat wet. "You say you want me when you really mean to say something else."

Kurogane snatched Fai's hand and placed it over his heart, and then helped it go lower to the growing signs of his desire. "Don't tell me," he said with a low snarl, "that I don't want you."

"Oh, I'm not about to mock something so... impressive." Fai swallowed, moving his other hand back to Kurogane's chest. "But what Kuro-sama means to say is... at least I hope what he means to say is that he's in love with me."

"And it took you all this time to figure that one out?" Kurogane grabbed the front of Fai's robes and pulled him forward. "So is this a 'yes'?"

"Ye-" Fai began, but he was quickly silenced by Kurogane's mouth meeting his, this time quickly pushing inside to taste him and illicit a desperate and provocative moan that echoed through both of their bodies. Fai's knees buckled enough to where Kurogane was struggling to stoop down low enough, so he grabbed him by the legs and hitched him around his waist, pressing them against the wall so there was nothing separating their two bodies.

When Kurogane moved his lips to spare some attention to Fai's throat, the blonde squirmed a little in his arms to look over his shoulder towards the bedroom. "Um," he said, his voice cracking as Kurogane's lick turned into a nibble. "We're going to do this, aren't we?"

"Yeah, we are." He paused, looking at Fai's eyes questioningly. "You don't want to?"

"Clearly I want to," Fai said, rubbing himself against Kurogane for good measure. "But how about in that nice bed Kuro-puu built us instead of the place we eat every day, nee?"

"Fine." Kurogane hauled Fai over his shoulder and marched them to the bedroom where he promptly dropped Fai unceremoniously on the bed.

"For someone who was being so sweet, you're turning into quite the rough-houser right now." Fai lifted himself up so he was kneeling on the bed, level with Kurogane. "You'll be gentle, won't you?"

"Since it's the first time, I'll do it however you want." He placed his hand at the small of Fai's back and pulled him closer. "Just as long as we do it."

"Mmm, I suppose it can't be helped." Fai reached down to pull at the waist of Kurogane's work clothes. "First this. This must be getting painful."

Kurogane yanked Fai's hands back up to his chest and lowered his mouth to the juncture of Fai's neck and shoulders. "First this," he whispered, giving it a quick kiss before running his tongue over the skin and exploring Fai's chest and waist with his fingers. "If you want this to be gentle, don't push it too soon."

Fai tilted his head back and let out a satisfied sigh as Kurogane worked his mouth across the bare skin of his chest and down to his stomach where the caresses seemed to both tickle and excite him, drawing up one of his breathless laughs. Kurogane raised his head to look Fai in the eye, and his mouth was immediately seized by his smiling lips, which seemed to have grown softer with the joy of his laughter.

Before long, Fai's hands were tangled into Kurogane's work shirt, trying to yank it upwards while still kissing him and refusing to draw away. Kurogane had to push him a little on the shoulder to get him to let go so that he could pull the shirt over his head and toss it to the floor. As soon as it was out of the way, Fai's hands began roaming his skin, tracing every muscle and every line with an almost worshipful interest considering his former refusal to even glance at a single part of Kurogane's naked body.

While Fai's interest was engaged, Kurogane returned his mouth once again to Fai's shoulder, pushing his robes the rest of the way down and then moving his hands lower to untie them at the waist. He wanted to return his attentions once again to patch of skin that had earlier drawn up Fai's beautiful laughter, but before he could, Fai yanked him up for another kiss and then, with a surprisingly strong shove from both of his hands, pulled Kurogane on top of him on the bed.

"You haven't done this before," Fai whispered, looping his arms around Kurogane's neck. "Not with anyone else, right?" Kurogane almost didn't catch what he'd said, as focused as he was on Fai's swollen lips and heavy breathing, the two more alluring aspects of his questioning mouth.

"We've been together all this time," Kurogane growled, annoyed that they were taking a break to talk about something as pointless as this. "When do you think I would have time to do this with someone other than you?"

"I was gone for awhile. Before I left Ashura-oniisan's and you rescued me."

"Right. With half the village destroyed, several people dead, a fever, and a house that was falling apart, that was the only thing on my mind. Never mind the fact that I was only fourteen years old!" He grabbed Fai's wrists and pinned them to the bed. "Why are you asking? _You _haven't done it, have you?"

"I always thought it would be a good way to make it impossible for us to be together so I would be able to get out without you hurting me first. But really, who else could I be like this with?" Fai laughed and tried to raise himself up a little so he was closer to Kurogane's lips. "Ever since the beginning, all I've known how to want is you."

"Impossible to be together?" Kurogane snorted, teasing his fingers along Fai's waist and dipping them lower and lower until Fai was squirming and panting beneath him. "Don't think so little of me. If you let yourself be taken away, I'd just take you back and make it so you couldn't be with anyone else but me. But since it didn't happen that way, why are wasting our time talking about it?" He leaned forward and granted Fai with a long kiss on his lips. "Let's think about now and now only before anything else."

"Fine by me." Fai lifted his knee to brush against Kurogane's groin, and Kurogane instinctively let go off Fai's wrists as he sucked in his breath. Fai took advantage of his freedom to once again reach for the waist of Kurogane's work trousers, which he got part way off before Kurogane lunged at him again to pin him to the bed.

"Wrestling just like an eager puppy," Fai teased, but Kurogane was past being offended at this point. With an incoherent groan, he lowered his head to lick Fai's length and take it in his mouth, this time drawing forth a delicious yelp rather than his former laughter.

"Kuro-saaaamaaa," Fai moaned, and Kurogane could feel his fingers digging into his scalp as he worked his mouth against him. "It's too much... e-everything all at once like this!"

Kurogane pulled away slowly so he could look Fai in the eye. "Too much? You're signing up for a lifetime tomorrow, so you'd better get used to it."

"Can I really get used to it? After so long thinking Kuro-chan and I would never be together, I get a kimono, a proposal, and all of this?" He placed his hand on his sweat drenched forehead. "I feel as if I'm going crazy."

"And it's only getting started, too." Kurogane kissed him soothingly, then traveled his fingers down to massage Fai's entrance. He slid one finger inside, surprised and aroused by the heat and the tightness and the way Fai's muscles seemed to react and pull him deeper in. Fai whimpered and ground his hands into the sheets, biting his lips.

"Am I hurting you?" Kurogane asked, slowing his movements. "Do we have something?"

"U-under the bed."

Kurogane reached down and pulled up the box where Fai stored their medicine. As he rooted through the bandages and dried herbs, he at last retrieved a pot filled with some sort of salve. "Will this be safe?"

"Mmm. It's supposed to help with irritation and swelling."

"Let's hope not all kinds of swelling." Kurogane dipped his fingers in, and one by one eased them inside of Fai. The fit seemed more comfortable, and the swift increase it caused to Fai's ravenous panting was something he found himself quite enjoying.

"Oh... oh gods," Fai moaned. "K...kuro-chan, I can't hold it... anymore."

"You can't?" Kurogane took his free hand and wrapped it around Fai's throbbing skin.

"I'd like to see you try after having things like this done to you!" Fai jerked his hips to rub himself against Kurogane's hands, and Kurogane gave him a few more pumps until he let out a sharp cry and collapsed on the bed.

"Mmmm," Fai groaned, placing a hand over his mouth. "Did that embarrassing noise really come from me? And now we're all sticky."

Kurogane licked some of it off Fai's stomach and wrinkled his nose. "I thought you'd taste better than that."

"Kuro-tan's a big meanie." Fai propped himself up on his elbows. "I suppose it's your turn now."

"I'd like it to be." He pushed Fai back down and tangled their lips together, taking in the sweeter taste of his mouth to let Fai know that he wasn't opposed to every flavor of his body. "I don't want to scare you off with the first time," he said when he'd pulled away. "If it hurts, you're telling me so I can make it better for you. No exceptions."

"But if I tell you it hurts, wouldn't you stop? I mean..." Fai's eyes strayed to Kurogane's arousal. "There's no way that's _not _going to hurt."

"I'd try to make it easier on you. And if it still wasn't good... yeah. I would stop."

"Well, we can't have that." Fai wrapped his legs around Kurogane's waist and pulled him closer. "So let's make this something to remember."

Kurogane nodded, leaning forward to twine their hands together and position himself. He kissed Fai once more and met his eyes. "Can I?"

"You'd better."

Kurogane slowly began to push in, holding both Fai's eyes and hands to keep him steady and calm. Fai was shaking and his breathing was getting somewhat out of control, but he did not resist as Kurogane gradually went deeper and deeper inside him.

"Breathe slowly," Kurogane whispered, though his own voice was strangled with his reigned in desire. "If you need to, grab onto my back."

"Kuro...sama..."

"It's all the way in." He tilted his head back and exhaled in satisfaction. Just as he had always thought, Fai was perfect. He was hot and just tight enough so it wasn't painful, but rather intensely intimate in how well they melded together. The breathless moans coming out of him made it even better, especially since Kurogane was all the more sensitive to the reactions of Fai's body now that they were joined. "Is it painful?"

Fai shook his head. "It is... but... just knowing that Kurorin is inside me... it's so good."

Kurogane cursed under his breath. How on earth was he going to stay calm when Fai was like this? He took a deep breath and counted to ten. "Tell me when I can move," he grunted.

"_Move_."

"So soon?"

"I want to feel you more." Fai wrapped his arms around Kurogane's back. "I'll be fine, as long as it's you."

Holding back seemed nearly impossible after such a command, but Kurogane tried to start as slowly as he could, telling himself to savor each of Fai's cries and the slow undulation of his hips before he got too caught up in the moment. He was falling in love with the sound of Fai's voice, and the sound of his own as he pushed and in and out and felt the friction of their bodies. _Why had it taken so long to get to this point, _he asked himself, but he knew this was the way it had to be, and this very moment was the exact one they had needed to wait for from the very beginning. This was the first occasion where they were ready at the same time and desirous of the very same thing without doubt or fear.

"Kuro-chan," Fai cried into his shoulder. "Stop going so slowly."

"But it's still painful, isn't it?"

"Not half so much as it is wonderful." He pushed down on Kurogane's back and kissed him on the lips, lifting his hips higher. "The pain isn't what I'm going to remember."

"The hell are you doing to me?" Kurogane groaned, even more of his control slipping from him. He increased his pace and was rewarded by a beautiful sound from deep in Fai's throat, which he quickly tried to mask by concentrating his mouth on any available patch of skin he could reach.

Kurogane could feel the sweat accumulating on his face and the places where their bodies were joined, and he could not help but smile at the thought of the bath they had taken just yesterday, which was now being swiftly undone. It felt as if the distance built over countless years had collapsed abruptly within two days of honesty and upheaval, but he knew the change had been set in motion from the first moment their eyes had met in the memory he had lost, and in the moment Fai had said _Look at me _in the memory he hadn't.

He looked at Fai there in his arms, and Fai lifted his eyes as well, deep crimson meeting pale blue. As if their thoughts were one and the same, they both reached out to cup each other's faces, holding their gaze as Kurogane pushed into Fai again and again and again until they both came to life with pleasure, their bodies screaming out and then quieting slowly until the only sound was their unsteady breathing and the whisper of a gust of wind outside.

Kurogane rolled off of Fai and wrapped his arms around him, pressing Fai's face against his pounding heart. He couldn't think of anything to say but "Shit, you're wonderful," which he said out loud before he realized it might be better to keep something so blunt to himself. Fai simply laughed and kissed his chest, snuggling closer.

"Kuro-chan is very good to me," Fai said with a smile. "I never thought I would be loved this properly."

"Hmph. Next time I won't go so easy on you."

"Next time?" Fai tapped his fingers against Kurogane's cheek. "Can that happen tonight?"

"Have you forgotten what we're doing tomorrow? Bags under your eyes and not being able to stand would certainly go over well at the shrine."

"Doumeki-san won't mind. In fact, he'll probably just use it to tease Watanuki-kun some more."

"You've forgotten about the government guy. The witch says he's an old friend, but gossips too much. We're not supposed to give him anything to gossip about, by the way."

"Nothing to gossip about? Isn't the fact that you and I are doing this juicy gossip? As far as I know, two men aren't allowed to be anything more than lovers."

Kurogane sighed. "I hate to ask this of you, but you're probably going to have to pretend to be a woman. Only from the ceremony until we get back home again."

"But that sounds like fun!" Fai noted Kurogane's scowl and ran his hand against Kurogane's lips to smooth it out. "That doesn't upset you, does it?"

"You don't need to be something that you're not. This you, the one right here, is the one that is most beautiful."

"But as you said, nudity and kiss marks aren't going to work so well at the shrine." Fai returned his head to Kurogane's chest. "As long as we can be together, nothing else matters. Let's just be happy and forget about everything else."

"Mmm. Not everything."

"Kurorin?"

"Remember everything that led up to this moment, too."

Fai smiled, his eyes at last fluttering shut. "Of course. That, too."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0


	12. Seal

**A/N: **Wow, I think I got impressed too early with the amount of views the chapter two weeks ago received, because last week already has it beat! I'm so glad you guys enjoyed it, and I hope you will continue to enjoy our latest installment. I had a great time writing this chapter, and it ended up being quite timely given the equal marriage rights debate going on in America right now. I'm the kind of person who tends to get emotional even over my own work, and this one really got me. Thanks for reading and sharing your comments with me!

0o0o0o0o0o

**Eleven: Seal**

Kurogane awoke the next morning to the sight of Fai's disheveled body still resting in his arms. His skin was partially covered in red marks, and his hair flew up in every different direction, with only a few strands left falling over his closed eyes. Kurogane sat still and watched him for a few moments, smiling to himself. There was no way last night was a dream; Fai looked so consumed by their joining that it was going to take some time to get him to look presentable for the ceremony today.

When Kurogane had his fill of looking at Fai, he grabbed a robe to place over his own naked body and set to work preparing food for breakfast. While the rice was cooking, he laid out all the pieces of Fai's kimono and the tsunokakushi veil Yuuko had let him borrow, and then looked through his own wardrobe to find the formal hakama Fai had made for his last birthday.

By time Kurogane had finished laying out their clothes and preparing their food, Fai stirred and raised his head, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Kuro... chan?" He blinked, his eyes falling on his breakfast in surprise. "You should have woken me up. I would have taken care of the meal."

"You'll have enough to do this morning without worrying about that. Just relax for a moment and get some of your energy back."

Kurogane finished his food quickly and grabbed one of Fai's combs to smooth out his tangled blonde hair. "Want me to pin it?" he asked once he'd gotten it to finally lie flat again.

"No offense to Kuro-tan, but I think it would be better if I took care of that part." Fai tried to rise to his feet to stand in front of the looking glass, but ended up stumbling and falling back on top of Kurogane. "Oh my."

Kurogane placed a hand on Fai's hip and massaged it. "Did I overdo it?"

"No, I'm just a bit out of shape, I think. Kuro-tan's doing me a favor by giving me more exercise." He tried to catch his balance again, and this time managed to stay on his feet. "My, my," he said when he caught a glimpse of his reflection. "Perhaps you did overdo it. You're lucky that the kimono will cover most of these."

"Better finish up with your hair and get dressed soon before I add some more." Kurogane tossed off his robe and began to fasten his own kimono and hakama into place. "You'll need help getting into it, right?"

"Of course. You'll have to do the obi."

"Er..."

"Just do what I tell you to do. It'll be fine." Fai paused, glancing at Kurogane out of the corner of his eye. "By the way, since we got so caught up last night, there was something I didn't get to say to you."

"Hmm?"

"It's about Yui. Do you remember how he always talked about belonging somewhere else?"

Kurogane froze, studying Fai's expression. Yui was still difficult for them to discuss, and he knew that his decision to keep Fai from going after him on the day of the flood would always be a point of contention between them. All the same, he wanted Fai to be able to happily confront the memory of Yui, even the parts that had once saddened and hurt them. That he wanted to talk about Yui on a day like today was either a good sign or a bad one.

"Did you ever find out what he meant?" Kurogane asked finally, watching as Fai fastened his undergarment and gestured for him to help fit the kimono over it.

"It's more like I always knew. He only started saying it after I told him I loved you, after all." Fai smiled wistfully. "Yui was always more attuned to the world than I was. I mean, of course he was pretty horrible at focusing on the here and now and seeing what was right in front of him, but I think he understood the world itself. The energies flowing through it, the connections between people, things like that. He was like Yuuko-san in that way, though he was much quieter about it. Even though he said he needed to be somewhere else, he never explained, and I never really thought about it even though I'm certain that I knew."

"Yeah?"

"He told me the place I belonged was here, and that it was because you were here. I would only be able to have the kind of life that would make me happy if I stayed in this place, because I can only be fully happy with you. And I believe the reason he felt he needed to be somewhere else was because he knew the person who would make him happy was not in this place."

Kurogane tilted his head. "That guy couldn't have been more than six when he started talking like that. How could he possibly know the person he was waiting for wouldn't be born here or move to the village?"

"I'm not certain. But I swear he knew. That's why he was so willing to leave with Shashi when she asked. And now... I suppose there's someone out there whose life would have been changed by my brother, but will now never see him. I think that's what hit me the hardest when Yui died. All he wanted was to go find the happiness I had found, and now he's gone too far for anyone to find him."

He reached out and grabbed Kurogane's hand. "What I want to say, Kuro-tan, is that he admired what we had to the point where he desired to find it for himself. If I had abandoned my happiness and life to save him, he would have been so furious with me. Not only furious. _Disappointed. Ashamed. _Hurt that I had what he wanted and had thrown it away easily, and hurt that I had a life to live and had seen no value in it. I understand this now, and even though I don't know if I can forgive you completely, there is still something I have to say." He squeezed Kurogane's hands and leaned forward to kiss them. "Thank you. Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you, and I love you."

Kurogane stared at Fai in awe, unsure of what to do with himself for a moment. He had expected to hear an 'I love you' from Fai, but he had never hoped to receive his thanks for an event he had always thought he'd be resented for. It was a point of bitterness he would have allowed, a wound between them he had chosen to open for the sake of Fai's life, but now, though it had not healed fully, it was on its way to closing. In spite of everything, Fai loved him enough to move forward from their shared pain.

Kurogane pressed Fai's hands against his cheek. "Oi," he said quietly. "Thank you."

"You're thanking me now?"

"You're not the only one dealing with that pain. And you're not the only one who feels that way, either." He released Fai's hands and retrieved the obi paired with his kimono. "Now let's just get this on and get to the shrine. The sooner we do this, the sooner I can make love to you again."

"I like your priorities, Kuro-sama."

After messing up the obi several times and putting up with a constant stream of teasing, Kurogane finally managed to fold it correctly and meet Fai's approval. With the veil pinned in place, Fai was for the most part ready, and he gave a small twirl to give Kurogane a better view.

"How is it, Kurorin?"

"That veil makes your head look ridiculous."

"I can't help that, can I?" He poked Kurogane's cheek. "I can at least pass off for a woman like this, nee?"

"There aren't any women as pretty as that here."

Fai flushed, ducking his head. "It's mean of you to be so cruel and then so nice again. You make it difficult to think straight." He tugged on Kurogane's sleeve, leading him to the looking glass. "But here we are. The two of us together."

Kurogane studied their faces in the glass. He could not consider the reflection as two individual people, a man with his own face and expressions next to a glorious figure dressed in silk. The image could only be understood in the place where their arms wrapped together and no distance existed between them, the place where they melded into one. One body, one soul, a union of two hearts heading towards one future.

Kurogane glanced away from the mirror. A reflection was only a copy of the warm body beside him, and right now he simply wanted to hold him in his arms and feel the life burning inside him until the world returned and it was time for them to be on their way.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Yuuko was waiting for them nearby the shrine by time they made their way down the path. Once again, she had gone above and beyond with her wardrobe, wearing a kimono made from the high quality silk Fai had purchased following the sale of Reed-san's refitted collection.

"I'm impressed that you both look so put together," she said, her lips quirking into a knowing smile. "Perhaps Kurogane-kun is not so much of a brute as I thought."

"You don't know the half of it, Yuuko-san," Fai laughed. "Although it seems he can be surprisingly gentle, too."

"I didn't come here for this," Kurogane growled. "Just tell me what we need to do to get through this without any trouble."

"Oh? I thought that would be quite evident. Kurogane-kun simply has a taste for beautiful foreign women, doesn't he, Faye-chan?"

"I... am most grateful to be his choice," Fai said, mimicking the same demure and stilted voice his mother had spoken with so many years ago.

"And since she is still mastering the language, that will leave you doing most of the talking, Kurogane-kun. Just be your usual charming self, and it should be fine." She snickered behind her hand. "Although knowing Hirayama-dono, you'll barely have to speak at all. Well, let's have the introductions, shall we?"

The government official waiting beside Doumeki was a tall older man with long black hair and a pointed beard. Though everyone appeared to be an enthusiastic talker when placed beside the quiet Doumeki, this man never seemed to close his mouth, chatting in a steady stream while Doumeki bobbed his head along indifferently.

"Ah, and here is the lovely couple," the man boomed. "My, my, you never said the boy would be the spitting image of his father! If he wasn't so young, I would have never known the difference." He inclined his head to Kurogane, flashing a toothy smile. "I bet you don't remember me, boy, but I was acquaintance of your mother back when I lived in this province. The very shrine that stood on this spot was one that reported to me, and I always looked forward to paying my respects to your mother and Haruka-sama while they were still alive. Ah, if only she could see now how her little boy has grown! She was such a lovely woman, and was lost much too soon."

"Thank you for your kindness to my mother," Kurogane mumbled when he could get a word in, although he really wanted to tell the man to slow down and shut up.

"And speaking of lovely women, I am astounded by the beauty of this betrothed of yours. Blonde hair! Blue eyes! Such a pleasant look that I cannot take my eyes off of her! The miko's son with such a striking foreign beauty! Imagine!" He stroked his beard, his smiling growing even wider. "Yuuko-san, please do the honors of making me known to this couple."

"Hirayama-dono, Kurogane's betrothed is called Faye-san. She is from the north, and moved here with her family a few years back. Sadly, her family is no longer with us, excepting Ashura-san and Ashura-chan whom you've already met."

"I am... honored to meet you, Hirayama-dono," Fai said in his faux accent.

"Oi, you invited hi- _her _cousin and the kid?" Kurogane asked Yuuko.

"I sent word as soon as you left yesterday," she said. "I thought it would be a bit glum if neither of you had family in attendance."

"Generous as always, Yuuko-san," Hirayama said. "It is our custom to think of weddings as a joining between two families, but I see in this case it must be a joining of two hearts. And such a fetching pair you make! I hope for the sake of our future generations you have many children to grace this humble village."

"Kuro-sama would be a great father," Fai said with a mischievous smile. Kurogane elbowed him in the ribs.

Doumeki cleared his throat. "The shrine is ready for the ceremony. Are you prepared?"

"Yeah." Kurogane extended his arm for Fai to accept and to a deep breath. "Lead the way."

There was a quiet air in the shrine when they stepped within, and a greater solemnity than any of the weddings Kurogane had attended with his mother when she'd been the miko. Ashura and the child were there, looking just as lovely as Hirayama had said- particularly the younger Ashura who had just turned five and had become quite the ethereal little moppet- and Yuuko had brought Watanuki with her as well, but it was hard not to feel the vacant space where Kurogane's parents, Yui, and even Shashi would have been.

The new miko, a young woman from the city named Kohane, approached them and carefully poured them each a cup of sake as Doumeki performed the purification ritual over them. He was still young, hardly older than Kurogane had been when the flood had changed their lives forever, but he showed the diligence and focus of an adult as he went through the motions, clearly intent of proving to everyone there that he had worked hard to take his grandfather's place after the tragedy.

When the ritual was complete, Doumeki asked Kurogane to repeat with him his vow of commitment. Kurogane froze for a moment as Doumeki prompted him with the first few words. It was one thing to say these things when he was alone with Fai, when no one else other than the person he loved could see him with his brusque outer layer undone, but with Yuuko, Ashura, Watanuki, Doumeki, and even the child there looking at him, he felt that a part of him that only needed to belong to Fai was hanging open and exposed.

Kurogane glanced at Fai and met the blue eyes staring back at him, waiting with a heart-wrenching excitement. He had said he would give this person forever, and he couldn't look back now. Even if other eyes were looking at him, Fai was the only one who would fully see him. Fai was the only one who had been there from the very beginning to witness where he had started and what he had done to come to this point.

"This person I marry and swear obedience and fidelity," Kurogane repeated. He was supposed to look forward, but he could not help but keep holding Fai's gaze, drowning in the eyes that looked upon him with such transcendent happiness. "No matter what health or what fortune, this person I will love, this person I will cherish, this person I will honor, this person I will console, this person I will stay beside until death, promising eternal faithfulness." He reached to brush a tear that had slipped from Fai's eye and granted him a rare smile. "This I swear."

"By entering into this contract, Faye-san will become a part of Kurogane-san's house, and in all conditions will be loved, honored, and consoled until death," Doumeki said. "This you have sworn. In turn, Faye-san will in all conditions love, honor, console, obey, and remain faithful to her husband until death. This is the union you will seal."

Kurogane drank from his cup of sake, and when he was finished, Fai proceeded to drink his own. A cup was provided to Ashura on behalf of Fai's family, and Yuuko quietly asked to accept the drink in remembrance of Kurogane's lost family. Kurogane couldn't tell if she was being nice or just wanted a drink.

When the sake had been emptied between them, Kurogane helped Fai forward so they could pay their respects to the gods before the ceremony was complete. Kurogane knew that he should pray for something- anything, really- but all he could think was that he had received everything he had wanted. Not in this ceremony, which was simply a way of solidifying what had already been decided between them, but that morning in Fai's simple words: _Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you, and I love you. _

Fai leaned into him when he had finished his own prayer. "Kuro-chan, looks like we found forever."

"Hmm?"

"Right now, right this very moment I am Kuro-chan's bride."

"Just now? Who was it who once said 'Anyone can be a bride if they have someone they love and want to look lovely for'?"

"And who said I wasn't lovely?"

"Did I?" Kurogane leaned forward and kissed him slowly on the mouth. "Must have heard me wrong."

Doumeki cleared his throat. "As nice as this is, you might want to save it for when you're back home. Please take this time to greet your guests."

"Hmph," Kurogane snorted. He'd almost forgotten everyone else was there.

"Ojisan, ojisan!" Little Ashura bounded into Fai's arms, eyes widening in awe at the up close view of Fai's kimono. "Ojisan's so pretty."

"_Obasan_," Ashura quietly corrected him, noting Hirayama's approach. "And indeed, _Faye, _you look exquisite. Your parents would have cried with joy to see you so happy. I am sure they are looking down upon you even now."

"You're the truly pretty one," Fai teased little Ashura, only belatedly remembering to use his mother's accent. "Ah, if Shashi could have seen how lovely you would be, even her heart would have melted."

Hirayama clapped his hand on Kurogane's back. "And if only your mother had been able to see you now, boy! So dignified and doting and tender!"

"Words I never thought anyone would say about Kurogane-kun when I first met him," Yuuko said drily. "He was denying his future, if I remember correctly. And now the very thing he denied has come to pass."

"Ha, anyone should know better than to doubt a potential path in front of Yuuko-san! She knows your fate better than anyone!" Hirayama chuckled to himself. "Now, now, I'm at a loss. Usually we would have a feast to acquaint the two families and the guests, but it seems you are all well-known to each other! But surely I must have the opportunity to have the food of this young man I've been hearing so much about. Watanuki-kun, I think he was called?"

Watanuki flushed and began stammering self-deprecating phrases until Doumeki asked him to make rebasashi and he started yelping about how he was supposed to just come across calf's liver on such short notice.

"Of course, I fully intend to take advantage of this happy occasion with drinks and a fresh cooked meal from Watanuki," Yuuko said, oblivious to Watanuki's continual shrieking. "That is, if Ashura-san and Hirayama-dono will agree to be my drinking partners."

"Of course," Ashura said. "As long as my child is looked after."

"Watanuki-kun can take care of that, too, and perhaps Kohane-chan if she has no more to do today. Ah, and Doumeki-sama has well-earned some sake today with his fine performance of his duties, if we may excuse his young age."

"Are the bride and groom not invited to their own wedding feast?" Hirayama asked. "You have not mentioned them."

"I merely thought they would prefer a more personal wedding feast of their own. Kurogane is much too unmannerly for social settings, and Faye is not well-versed in our language. I am certain they would much rather do what husbands and wives do following their vows."

"Yuuko-san, I see your love of vulgarity has not changed with age," Hirayama said, trying to look offended while holding back his laughter. "Do not give these innocent children any ideas that may taint their pure hearts. Speaking of which, I've heard a number of things about you and Clow since coming here. I'd hate to think that a woman like you seduced such a fine, upstanding man for the sake of inheriting his lands!"

"Seduce?" Yuuko smiled smugly. "I assure you, whatever happened between Clow and myself was completely mutual. Would like to hear it? Although I'm afraid it's not suited to the ears of these children, or these newlyweds I'm not supposed to taint."

"The allure of gossip..." He glanced at Kurogane, Fai, Watanuki, and Doumeki one by one. "I suppose it wouldn't hurt for these young people to talk amongst themselves and keep away from our _boring _adult talk for a moment."

"You heard him," Yuuko-said with a nod to Kurogane and Fai. "Enjoy yourselves."

Doumeki and Watanuki walked Kurogane and Fai back through the entrance of the shrine. "I don't know why anyone would want to hear about Yuuko-san's disgusting love life," Watanuki grumbled.

"At least she's able to talk about Clow happily now," Doumeki said. "That's good to see."

"And it was awfully nice of her to give us an opening to return home," Fai added. "I don't know how much longer I could have gotten away with this, especially with little Ashura there. That Hirayama-dono is quite the flirt."

"Speaking of which," Watanuki said, "I wanted to congratulate you, but I was worried I was going to blow your cover or something. Was what you did even legal? You won't get in trouble, will you?"

"Not at all," Doumeki answered on their behalf. "I knew the truth, and still conducted the rituals and ceremony with my approval. And when we're older we can do the same, although I don't think you'll be as pretty of a girl as Fai-san."

"WHO WOULD MARRY YOU, YOU JERK?"

Fai snickered. "How funny. Watanuki reminds me so much of Kuro-sama when he was younger. Don't worry Watanuki-kun. Even if you end up falling in love with Doumeki-sama, these things sometimes happen. Best not to fight against fate, right?" He took Kurogane's arm. "Enjoy yourselves at the feast. My husband and I plan to tonight, right Kuro-tan?"

Kurogane muttered incoherently.

With a final goodbye to Watanuki and Doumeki, the two of them headed down the path to return home. Fai pulled off his veil and loosed his hair from its clip so it fell back over his eyes. He let out a long sigh, and then began laughing lightly under his breath.

"What are you thinking?" Kurogane asked.

"I'm thinking that I always want to remember how I feel right in this moment. Kurorin has just promised to love and honor me for all his life, and now we're returning to the place where we can be together, not just in _that _way, but in every way. Already I'm thinking about what we'll do, how it will be... I can barely even think straight, but I _feel _so much."

"Better not talk like that unless you want me to take care of you right here in the open."

"I know, I know. But I'm so happy. I never believed someone would love me like this, not while I couldn't be good and selfless like Yui or honest like Kuro-tan, but still you... still you're here."

"All right, that's enough." Kurogane grabbed Fai by the waist and hauled him over his shoulder. "You can't go anywhere fast in what you're wearing, so I'll get us there right now."

Fai burst out laughing as Kurogane quickened their pace. "You know, you're supposed to do the _bridal_ carry. Not that I'm complaining. The view back here is nice, too."

"Really, you, what do I have to do to get you to shut up?"

When they'd crossed the threshold back into their house, Kurogane set Fai back on his feet. "Turn around," he ordered. "I paid attention to how you got all of this on, so I'll be careful getting it off."

"What, you're not going to just tear right in?"

Kurogane trailed his hand against the fabric he had bought. It felt like ages since he'd picked it out, although it had only been five years. So much had changed since then, but still he remembered how he felt that very day, how the silk had felt in his hands and how he imagined it would feel on Fai. "I won't hurt this," he whispered. "This is too precious, and so is the person wearing it. We have more than enough time to lose control later."

"A lifetime?"

"A lifetime."

Kurogane took the pieces off one by one until Fai was completely out of his guise as a woman, naked and revealed honestly in front of him. A slim hand reached out to undo the ties of his hakama, allowing it to fall to the floor.

This time, there was no semblance of rushing between them. Once they were both undressed, they little by little sank to the floor, hands exploring leisurely paths down each other's bodies, lips brushing against the old marks and seeking new places, eyes roaming any patches of skin they may have missed before. Kurogane held Fai tenderly against him, feeling every motion of his chest as it rose and fell and pumped life through him. Every moment he felt he was more in love than he'd ever been, but then another moment came, and more beauty was uncovered in the endless treasure of the person he was holding.

"Kuro-chan, please," Fai whispered in his ear. "Let's become one."

Kurogane gave up all thoughts of making it to the bed and remained tangled on the floor with Fai, kissing him gently and slowly traveling his hand downwards to prepare him. Without warning, Fai abruptly rolled on top of him, grabbing his hand and pressing a kiss against his pulse point.

"This time, let me," he whispered. "The first time was from you, and this time it's from me."

He placed his own hands where Kurogane's had just been and slid his fingers inside himself. It was an amazing sight from Kurogane's perspective, and as much as he wanted to be inside of Fai himself, he allowed himself to lay back and watch, accepting without complaint Fai's gift to him.

"All right," Fai murmured. He arched his hips and little by little began easing himself onto Kurogane. Kurogane sucked in his breath, loving the heat wrapping against him but at the same time worried at the wince that flashed across Fai's face.

"Ah, it's just a bit sore... from last time," Fai sighed. "But don't worry. It feels good. Kuro-sama's so warm inside. He must want this pretty badly."

"If you understand that-"

"Then don't keep you waiting any longer, right? You said it yourself. I'm too precious for you to hurt. And it'll hurt me if we keep going this slowly."

He sank his hips lower so Kurogane was completely inside of him. After a little sigh escaped him, he placed his hands on Kurogane's chest and pressed down on him while lifting his hips back up. The motion felt wonderful, and Kurogane's own hips rose with him, wanting to be inside again, wanting to feel the warmth, the beautiful heat that belonged to him and him alone.

"You don't have to move," Fai hissed. "This is from me."

"And from me. Anything we do now, we do together. Let my body respond to you, just like it wants to."

Kurogane sat up, wrapping his arms around Fai and smothering himself in his skin. "Gods, you're too much," he groaned. "I don't think I'll be able to get enough."

"It's fine. I'll give you everything. As many times as you want. And you'll give me everything, too, won't you?"

"Yeah. But let's stop talking now."

This time, Kurogane's moved his own hips along with Fai, chasing after him when he pulled away, filling him and fitting with him. _This person I will love, this person I will cherish, this person I will honor, this person I will console, this person I will stay beside until death, _he repeated to himself over and over again as Fai cried out his name and drove his nails into his back. _This I swear, this is the union that I seal._

"Kuro-sama, I love you, I love you, Kuro-sama!" Fai cried, pulling him in tighter and tighter.

"Love you," Kurogane groaned back, realizing that it was the first time he had said so in such straightforward words. It was fine now to give Fai the simple expression he had always wanted. It was the fact that it didn't need to be said that made him say it. Fai knew already and understood on his own, but even so, Kurogane still thought he would be happy to hear.

When they came this time, it was almost in harmony with one another, and Kurogane felt himself slipping for a moment, transcending their sloppy bodies on the floor, the discarded clothing around them, the ordinary household objects swarming them on either side as if to scold them for losing control in such a conventional place. When he opened his eyes again, Fai was resting on his chest and purring like a satisfied cat, asking if it was all right to do it again.

"Give me a minute," Kurogane said, exhaling sharply. "I just want to look at you."

Fai's eyes widened- even though they were like this together, naked and covered in so many visible signs of their affection, Kurogane noticed Fai still seemed disbelieving of the verbal confirmations, the simple exchanges any other couple would take as a given. Perhaps it was because he had spent so much of his life running away inside, and to face Kurogane's words from the front meant he could never turn back again. Kurogane shook his head. Surely Fai would realize this soon. There could be no running away anymore or denying the truth of Kurogane's love with what they had done and become today.

Kurogane placed his hands on Fai's cheeks, holding his eyes, the very same eyes he had turned to time and time again throughout his life. Fai blinked at him, uncertain of what to do under Kurogane's intense scrutiny, but after a moment settled back onto Kurogane's chest, looking back just as steadily, drinking him in.

_I can't stop, _Kurogane thought to himself as he stared at Fai, his heart pounding in his chest. _From now to the very beginning, I just can't stop looking._

0o0o0o0o0o0o


	13. Infinitely Kind

**A/N: **Welcome back for our next installment! I'm glad you all enjoyed the last chapter, and for anyone who has read One Soul (or for that matter, the prologue to this story), please don't think that it's all downhill from here- our boys still have plenty of meaningful memories to make together as a couple. Once again, thank you so much for your support of this story, and I look forward to sharing more with you as we go along! Enjoy!

0o0o0o0o0o0

**Twelve: Infinitely Kind**

It felt like he had slept for years before Fai woke him up sometime in the mid afternoon. It had only been a few hours total, given that they had stayed up as late as Fai's body could handle before drifting off together in their shared stupor, but Kurogane had slept so well that the quantity of it didn't matter so much. Besides, the sight of Fai leaning over him with an expression still half-way drowned in pleasure was so glorious that it seemed almost a waste to spend a single hour sleeping rather than gazing upon it and memorizing its every line and expression.

"It's still early," Kurogane murmured, running his thumb along the bottom of Fai's swollen lips. "I'm not working today, and I can go without food for a few more hours. You don't have to get up yet."

"I am planning on sleeping some more, but I'm thirsty." He leaned over and kissed Kurogane on the nose. "Get me some water, please?"

"You have two legs of your own, don't you?"

"Kurorin, do you really think I can move after last night? I suppose I could _crawl_ to the well."

Kurogane sat up, placing a hand on Fai's forehead. "If I was overdoing it, you should have just told me."

"And have you stop? Not a chance." Fai twined his arms around Kurogane's torso, kissing his chest. "I don't have anything else to do today. I don't mind spending the day in bed until I recover."

"Fine, fine. But I'm going to need you to let go of me for a minute so I can get that drink for you."

"Mmm. If you promise to get back quickly."

Kurogane disentangled himself from Fai and pulled on the nearest clothes he could find, his hakama from the day before. It was a bit formal for a trip to the well, but better than going naked, surely.

The village itself was quiet when he stepped outside. The farmers were all occupied with their work, and any children playing outdoors weren't straying near the fields. He was grateful that there was no one in particular around to ask about what had happened the day before. Knowing Yuuko, the whole village probably knew at this point that he and Fai had fooled the government official and gotten married, just as Fai had always wanted.

Unfortunately, there was someone already pulling water from the well, and when the figure turned around to see who was approaching behind him, Kurogane recognized him as the Kei-something guy who had an interest in Fai. Kurogane glared at him for a moment, but stood his ground. It wasn't as if there was any competition between them; there was no dispute anymore that he was Fai's chosen, and no one else had been or would be considered in his lifetime.

"I hear you decided to take my advice after all," Kei-something said, not without a bit of resentment in his tone. "I should receive some compensation for giving up my happiness for yours."

"I didn't do it because you told me to," Kurogane said. "I did it because it was what he needed to be happy. Move aside."

"Hey, at least give me a moment to nurse my broken heart."

"Let me once again remind you that you barely even knew that guy. You'll get over it."

"To be fair, there can't be too many people around here with my... inclinations. Fai-san seemed like the surest option, but you just took care of that." He shook his head. "Maybe that cute Watanuki-kun who works with Yuuko-san will do. He seems like he'll be a delightful little handful in a few years."

"Oi, do you have a thing for people who are already spoken for?"

"Well, why not? It either breaks up two people who weren't going to work out in the first place, or nudges them together when one of them is being a bit slow. If it works out for me, it works out. If it doesn't, then I've done two people a good deed, right, Kurogane-kun?"

With a wink, Kei-something took his bucket of water and headed back to the fields. Kurogane snorted. He hoped Doumeki would be mature enough to deal with this imposition in a few years' time.

Back in their room, Fai was still laid up in bed, trying without much success to force his hair to lie flat. Kurogane offered him the cup of water he had poured and watched as he gulped it down greedily.

"You hungry?" Kurogane asked. "I can put some rice on to cook."

"Yes, please. I think you could just about manage something that simple."

"That's not something I want to hear from someone with rooster hair." Kurogane pushed his hand through it to rumple it some more. "You sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine. Sore, but fine. In fact, it's really not bothering me at all since it brings back good memories."

"Hmph. Don't expect a repeat performance today. You're resting until it doesn't hurt anymore."

"I know, I know. I wouldn't want to make things difficult for my attentive Kuro-tan!"

"Who's attentive?" Kurogane grumbled, but the fact that he immediately went to prepare their rice belied his show of gruffness.

When everything was finished, he returned to their bed and handed off the bowl of rice to Fai. Fai immediately began to shovel into his mouth, eating with all the grace of a starving man. Flecks of rice accumulated on the corners of his lips, which Kurogane brushed off with an annoyed snort.

"I know my cooking's not very good, but you could at least take a minute to enjoy it, couldn't you?" he asked.

"I haven't eaten anything since yesterday. We passed on Watanuki-kun's feast and were too busy playing to bother with dinner last night. Of course I'm going to be hungry!" He licked his lips and clapped his hands together. "You should hurry, too."

"Why?"

"Because I want to go back to sleep, and it's cold in here without Kurorin."

"Then put some clothes on."

"What's the point of that when I can have Kurorin's nice, warm body at my side?" He reached out to untie Kurogane's hakama. "Off you go."

"You're being spoiled."

"That's what you get for choosing me."

Kurogane sighed and pulled off his clothes, returning them to the pile on the floor. As soon as he was back in bed, Fai wrapped his arms around him, sighing in contentment.

"You know," he murmured, "I had a dream last night. I was in the sakura grove, at the place where we first kissed, and Yui was there. He told me that it was time for his soul to go somewhere else, but before he left, he wanted to say that he was happy for me. For us. And that I didn't have to worry about time or forever or how long I would be able to stay here at your side, because no matter what happens, my soul will always be drawn to find you. He told me that there's nothing to fear, because this world is infinitely kind."

"Hm?" Kurogane glanced over at Fai, but he had already drifted back to sleep, snuggled against Kurogane's chest. Kurogane wasn't sure he understood the meaning behind any of Fai's words. When he was younger, his mother told him that when someone died, the body rested eternally, and the soul knew either peace or restlessness until it was called on its next journey. He had never asked before what the 'soul's next journey' was, or what the purpose of such a thing would be, but he hoped that if Fai's dream was true, Yui had moved forward with more firmness of will and courage on his next path. Perhaps he would at last find the 'somewhere else' he was looking for.

As for the kindness and cruelty of the world itself, he wasn't certain. Yuuko was the one he left to muse over such things, preferring to concern himself only with life as he experienced it day-by-day. But he liked the way Fai seemed to smile in his sleep after speaking of a world of infinite kindness, one where he could always have faith in the love that had brought them here. Maybe the fact that they were together, holding each other in this moment, was the only proof they needed to know that such a world existed.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

A year passed. Though they were doing the very same things they had done before- Kurogane farming and Fai sewing- it was amazing how much their ability to be open with one another changed things. Now Kurogane no longer had to spend his days in the fields pondering over exchanges that would never happen, and when he came home, Fai no longer had to dance around tense subjects or avoid the simple acts of intimacy they had kept themselves from engaging in. Whatever thoughts they had, they could share with each other, whether they be simple observations or the more complex discussions that arose from Fai's gloomier days, the occasions where he fell back into his old line of thinking that he was a troublesome presence to Kurogane and that one of the village girls would have suited him better after all.

Nothing was perfect. With the way their personalities were, it was inevitable that Fai would push Kurogane too far from time to time, and that Kurogane's inherent gruffness would lead to misunderstandings. But now that they were more certain of one another and their feelings, it was easier to patch up these little wounds between them before they bled them dry. Kurogane had his pride and dignity, but compared to breaking that wall down in front of Yuuko, it was so much easier to sacrifice from time to time for the sake of bringing happiness to Fai.

And as acclimated as they were to being around one another, the act of joining their bodies together never lost its newness, no matter how often they were brought together. Even when Kurogane wondered if he had explored all of Fai there was to see, there was always something different unveiled, always something he had overlooked or that had perhaps never existed until the moment that it rose to the surface. Fai's body was not a landscape that could be mapped and labeled definitively; rather, it was like the earth itself, constantly shifting in subtle ways, always transitioning into something not better or worse but simply different from what it had been before.

The hanami picnic had also felt new that year. After the flood, there had been a note of solemnity to the event with so many familiar faces absent and the trees of the grove itself still recovering from the onslaught of wind and rain. Little by little, things had healed, but there was still a feeling of sadness in Yuuko at her blanket with just Watanuki beside her, with no Clow holding a parasol or Doumeki there to order out-of-season foods.

But with the grove in full glory, the shrine repaired, Doumeki returned, and a whole crop of couples united, the picnic once again held the spirit of joy it was meant to inspire. Fai and Kurogane and all the newly married couples were invited to eat beside Yuuko, and Watanuki and Doumeki hovered nearby, the former still stuck with the task of supplying food and drinks, and the latter tailing after him with his stream of ridiculous requests.

"Ah, now this is the life," Yuuko sighed, taking a long drink of her sake. "Watanuki's cooking, Doumeki's alcohol, and all the beautiful lovebirds we married last year." She lifted her cup, gesturing for a toast. "To the world! To everyone here who wishes for a brilliant future! Kampai!"

After draining her cup and asking Watanuki for some more, she turned her attention back to the couples gathered before her. "I see it has been a profitable year for all of you. Hirayama-dono will be pleased with how many pregnancies have been announced, although I'm sure it will be disappointing to him that the lovely Faye-san is not among them."

"It's not from lack of trying!" Fai joked, trailing his finger around the rim of his cup. "But I'm glad to hear we made it through without getting caught. I would have hated to cause you any trouble."

"Ah, I'm not certain Hirayama-dono in particular would have cared. But as I'm sure you noticed, he had rather loose lips to be entrusting something private to." Yuuko smiled to herself. "It's a shame that Clow couldn't have been there. He said he would only forgive me for provoking the two of you at that picnic years ago if you ended up together."

"It was still incredibly rude of you," Fai sniffed. "Inferring that I was such a flirt that I was giving girls the impression that I would rather be with them than with Kuro-tan!"

"Well, you were!" one of the girls at the blanket pointed out. A few others nodded.

"I thought it was a good way to make Kuro-tan jealous..." He glanced at Kurogane. "It worked, didn't it?"

"I don't remember anything about that," Kurogane muttered.

"It was only seven years ago!"

"A lot of things happened between then and now!" He was lying, of course. He remembered nearly everything important there was to remember about Fai, with the only exception being the very first moment, the beginning.

Yuuko smirked at Kurogane. "In any case, I knew I would have Clow's forgiveness from the moment he withheld it from me on that condition. That your souls would choose each other again was always an inevitability."

"Again?" Kurogane echoed.

"Those who know the world know that these are not the only conditions in which a soul can find happiness." She glanced at all the other couples looking at her with wrinkled brows. "And that goes for all of you as you as well. Whatever happiness and sadness you know in this life is not the only story imprinted on your soul."

"Yuuko-san's being obscure again," one of the men joked. "I've always wondered where all of your spiritual knowledge comes from, anyways!"

"Where it comes from?" Yuuko tilted her head. "I simply have a soul that has known the world in many worlds. Nothing more."

"You know I can't stand it when she gets like this," Kurogane muttered to Fai under his breath. "Can we go?"

"To see the trees, then?" Fai rose to his feet and took Kurogane's hand. "I suppose since we don't know about these worlds she's talking about, all we can do is enjoy our own."

There was already a congregation of young couples deeper in the grove, most of them around the same age as Kurogane and Fai had been seven years ago. Kurogane was only twenty, and rather young to have spent so many years of his life already working and settled down with one person, but he suddenly felt old as he looked upon the faces of all of those who were still at the beginning. It may have only been seven years ago, but he had come such a long way with Fai in that time that he felt more years had been carved within him than the two decades of his life.

Fai led him back to their tree, chuckling softly as they got closer. "I'm almost glad Kuro-chan seems to have forgotten a thing or two about seven years ago. I was so desperate back then."

"Huh. I haven't forgotten about that part at all."

"Kuroooo-tan!"

"It was fine. Even though you had an idiotic way of going about it..."

"... it worked in the end," Fai finished. "And it's not that I'm not grateful. I just wish sometimes that we had managed to find a way for this happen sooner."

"It happened how it had to happen given who you are and who I am."

"I know that. I realize that what happened with the flood and everything that came after can't be changed now. But to spend even a second being stupid and stubborn and keeping Kuro-tan at a distance..."

"Oi, we have time enough to make up for that."

"Yes. But I'll always want more." He reached up to cup Kurogane's face. "I guess I was lucky you were so strong, strong enough for the both of us. Remember when we first met Yuuko-san? She said that if I abandoned my true desire, it might abandon me. But you didn't."

"It wasn't in my interest to."

"You say it so simply. But I know it was more than that."

Fai stood on his tip-toes, brushing his lips against Kurogane's in the way he had years ago, gentle and undemanding, the sharp taste of sake on his tongue and the soft hum of his voice spreading through Kurogane's own mouth. This time Kurogane was able to kiss him back, to wrap his arms around his body and push him against the tree, returning the gesture with as much sincerity as it was given. There were other people around them, but the rest of the world seemed to fade away as they lost themselves more and more to the place where only they existed.

Fai broke away first. "Let's go home," he whispered, once again taking Kurogane's hand. "I want to be with you. Just you."

"You haven't had enough of that yet?"

"Never."

With a smile, Fai tugged him forwards, guiding him through the trees and the gently rushing breeze of sakura petals back to the path where they could find their way home, back to the only world they knew and loved.

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	14. The Kid

**A/N: **This chapter was one I wanted to do for quite some time, especially since the absence of Syaoran and Sakura has thus far kept Kurogane from entering "Kuro-daddy mode." I didn't feel able to insert SyaoSaku into this story... namely because I am horrible at translating such a pure hearted romance because everything I touch turns angsty and sexual. But luckily I realized I had a perfect candidate for "the kid" role already introduced in the story so we could get a chance to see Kurogane's legendary parental role (he's also getting a bit more domestic- I keep forcing him to cook dinner for Fai!). If you couldn't tell already, I have so much fun writing Kuro-pon!

Also, since I haven't clarified this yet, Ashura the elder's companion is Taishakuten, a character who should be familiar to RG Veda readers. In his native series, he's Shashi's second husband and a jerkass overlord, but essentially becomes this way because he is in love with Ashura and will do anything for him to prevent a dark event in the future from happening. In this story, he doesn't hook up with Shashi since he has no real reason to, and is still very much in love with Ashura. Yasha from RG Veda and Tsubasa also makes an appearance in this chapter, but you guys should be a little bit more familiar with him thanks to KuroFai's visit to Yama.

Thanks for your views and comments, and hearing what you guys think always puts a smile on my face. I hope you all continue to enjoy!

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**Thirteen: The Kid**

The sun was going down, and it was once again time to call it a day. Kurogane pulled off his sun hat, stretched out his limbs, and released a long and tired sigh as the rest of the farmers finished up their work and began to head home. At thirty, his physical abilities were still as strong as ever, but he had lost the feeling of being able to take on a handful of additional strenuous tasks after he made it home. He was grateful for the fact that he didn't have brats waiting for him like most the others did, and that he could simply spend his evenings with Fai as he pleased, though often Fai himself could be exhausting as a demanding child in his way.

When he stepped into their house, the familiar smells of dinner cooking over the fire and enthusiastic "Welcome home!" from Fai were not there to greet him. Fai was asleep in one of the chairs, a new bolt of silk resting in his hands, half stitched into a sleeve on one side and undone on the other. Though he usually slept with a relatively innocent expression on his face, his lips slightly parted and his hair obscuring his closed eyes, that particular evening his forehead was knit together, tense as if he was having a nightmare or was in pain.

Kurogane approached him quietly. It was summer, so there was no need to throw a blanket over him, but he wished he could do something to ease the restlessness of his slumber. It had been so long since either of them had endured a nightmare that Kurogane extended a hand to test the temperature of skin to assure he wasn't unwell, but other than a slight film of sweat that had built up in the heat, he felt perfectly fine.

Kurogane was just about to withdraw his hand when Fai's arms snaked around his waist and pulled him closer. "Welcome back, Kuro-pon," he said, resting his cheek against Kurogane's stomach.

"You were awake?"

"Only for a minute. I had a headache and was napping, but I feel better now." He lifted his head. "So do you want dinner? Or me?"

Kurogane stared down at Fai. In their younger days, the second option had been his favorite pick, especially since Fai was an expert at timing their interludes so dinner would still be hot when they finished. But there was clearly not even the beginnings of a meal tonight, and since Fai had apparently slept through delivering Kurogane his lunch, he couldn't think past the needs of his stomach. Indulging in his other feast would have to wait, if only for a little.

"Dinner," he said, mussing Fai's hair. "You later."

"Too bad for Kurorin. I didn't make dinner. Guess you'll have to take me instead."

With the unexpected strength Fai only displayed at times like these, he used his grip around Kurogane's stomach to upset his balance and push him to the ground. Fai slipped from his chair and straddled Kurogane's waist, looking surprisingly energetic for someone who had just woken up from a long nap.

"Oi," Kurogane said, lifting himself back up a little. "If you didn't make it, I will. Do you want to do this with my stomach rumbling?"

"Hmm," Fai murmured, making a show of considering his options. "Yes. You're not the only one who needs to recharge."

Kurogane was about to protest again, but the moment Fai undid his robes and exposed the skin of his chest, all other thoughts flew out of his mind. His hand instinctively reached to touch the plane of Fai's stomach, which even in the heat felt comfortably warm. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to recharge this way first, after all.

As soon as Fai reached down to relieve Kurogane of his shirt, they heard a noise coming from outside. "Ojisan?" someone was calling out in a breathless voice. "Ojisan? Which one is it?"

"Doesn't that sound kind of familiar?" Fai murmured, biting his lip.

Before he could figure out the answer to his own question, the source of the voice burst into the house and stood in the doorway staring at them. The figure was an exquisitely beautiful one, with long black hair, wide golden eyes, and a body as narrow and lanky as Fai's own. "Ojisan, I-" the intruder started to say, until realizing exactly what Kurogane and Fai were in the middle of doing and turning a vivid shade of bright red. "Ah! I'm so sorry! I... I'll come back another time!"

"Ashura-chan, is that you?" Fai asked, returning his robes to his shoulders and rising to his feet. "Nevermind that. I was being bad for delaying Kuro-pon's dinner in the first place. Come inside. I'm not going to make you walk all the way back in the dark."

Ashura stepped tentatively inside, eyes lowered and blushing furiously as Fai sorted through their shelves to arrange some food to begin cooking. It had been over a year since they'd seen each other, but Ashura seemed to have grown even more since then, in both loveliness and maturity. Kurogane calculated in head, deciding it had been about sixteen years since the birth that had broken Shashi's spirit, and the child she had rejected with fear and disgust as a monster was now more beautiful and captivating than anyone else Kurogane had ever seen, excepting only Fai himself.

"I'm sorry for giving no warning that I was coming," Ashura said quietly. "It was... unplanned."

"In other words, Ashura-oniisan doesn't know you're here?" Fai asked, lifting an eyebrow. "You didn't run away, did you?"

"Otousan... otousan has fallen ill."

"Is it serious? Do you need us to return with you to look after him?"

"No. Tai-san is taking care of him right now." Ashura's hands began to tremble. "He's been delirious, though. And... he's been talking to Tai-san about my mother."

"Ah." Fai set aside the ingredients he had been gathering and crossed the room to sit beside Ashura. "Kuro-sama, would you mind putting together our meal?"

Kurogane got to his feet. Whatever Ashura had to say about Shashi needed to be discussed with Fai, without Kurogane sticking his nose in it. He had been there when the whole sorry scene had unveiled, but it was only for a few brief moments of his life; Fai and Yui were the ones who had lived it, who had spent their days in the house where Shashi had unraveled and brought them into her internal tempest.

"What did Ashura-oniisan say?" Fai asked, his voice soft and gentle. He placed his hand on top of his cousin's, soothing away its trembling.

"I always knew they didn't have a good relationship," Ashura whispered. "It was an arranged marriage, and Tai-san has told me before that he loved otousan long before my mother came along. But otousan doesn't like to talk about her. Before, he'd only told me that she'd died along with Yui-ojisan in the flood, only a few weeks after I was born. I never knew... I never knew that she hated me because I was like this!"

A few tears were slipping from Ashura's eyes, which Fai brushed away with his sleeve. "Shashi-oneesan was broken as a person," he said, releasing a tired sigh. "It happens sometimes, when you don't have the strength or desire to confront the world that's hurting you. I've been there before, so I know what it's like when you reach that place. It's terrifying most of all because you're alone, and there's nothing you can do but watch the source of your pain taunting you over and over again in front of your eyes. That's where I'd still be today, if Kuro-sama hadn't set me free." He wrapped his arms around Ashura's shoulders. "Since your mother was in that place, all she could see about you was that you weren't a son. She couldn't see your beauty or the fact that you were the precious child that had been given to her. And because Ashura-oniisan didn't love her, he didn't know how to save her. I didn't either. Even Yui couldn't figure out how, even though he tried harder than everyone else. It doesn't justify what she did, but it also doesn't justify you learning to hate yourself because of it. You aren't a broken person, Ashura-chan. You are young and beloved and a human being who deserves dignity. No one will hate you for living your life without shame."

_And if you understand how long it took for him to have the courage to say those words, you'll listen,_ Kurogane thought to himself. _That wisdom came at a price for him, far beyond what you know._

"Besides," Fai said with a smile. "You've grown well up to this point without Shashi's opinion making any difference. Your father loves you for who you are, as do I, as do Tai-san and Kuro-sama, I'm sure. You're our very important family, and we've lost enough of that to know how to value what we have."

Ashura sniffled into Fai's sleeve. "But I... I've thought this for awhile now, but the way my body is... there's really no way another person could love me romantically if they knew. I have nothing to offer compared to other people."

Fai got angry so rarely that Kurogane noticed the abrupt shift in his temperament as soon as it happened. The air around him seemed to grow tense, and any lightness slipped from his eyes, leaving them cold and narrowed. "Why would you say that?" he asked, his voice terse. "What about your body makes it unable to be valued by someone else? Is it the fact that you can't bring a child into the world? I can't do that either, you know. Not with the person I love. What does it matter if I can't if it's not something I need to be happy? If someone won't love you because you something you can't do, what is the purpose of being with that person?" He took a deep breath. "You would never give something you hate to person you love, Ashura-chan, so don't even think about hating yourself. Not for this. Not for something that makes you who you are."

Ashura was silent for a long time. Kurogane went on preparing their soup, staying out of their affairs for the time being even though he had devoted himself to lecturing Fai on the same issues in the past. He had known that he had to be the one to teach Fai, and moreover, he had chosen to do it with all his heart. But surely there was someone else Ashura needed to hear these words from. Surely there was some reason greater than Shashi's lack of love that had driven him to bring the subject up at that moment.

When the soup was finished, Kurogane brought it to the table for Fai and Ashura. As always, it didn't taste very good, at least not compared to what Fai made. But no one complained, and the three of them ate together in silence until Ashura at last spoke up again.

"Fai-ojisan... how did you know that Kurogane-ojisan loved you?"

"How did I-" Fai turned to Kurogane with amused eyes. "The part where he pushed me against a wall and said 'I want you' may have had something to do with it."

"Oi-"

"But before that, it was hard to ignore how much he was doing for me, things only he would do. And since Kuro-tan never does anything he doesn't want to do, I couldn't help but hope to think that was the reason why." He tilted his head. "Do you have someone you like, Ashura-chan?"

Ashura flushed, but nodded.

"And you think that person won't love you?"

"It's not that... it's because I'm terrified. He's not that kind of person, but all I can think of is him finding out about the way I am and hating me for it."

"If you know he's not that kind of person, then believe in him," Fai said simply. "And believe in yourself enough where you won't be able to doubt that you're capable of making someone very happy."

"Now doesn't that sound familiar," Kurogane muttered.

"I can't help it, Kuro-tan-sensei. You taught me everything I know!" Fai laughed. "But truly, Ashura-chan. You are a beautiful person. Not just with how you look, but with who you are. If a person can't love you, there's little hope for everyone else. Never let anything Shashi felt about you in the past change your mind about that."

"Thank you, ojisan." Ashura finished off the last of the soup. "Can I go outside for awhile? I need to think."

"Take all the time you need. We'll set up a mattress for you so you can rest when you're ready."

Kurogane watched as Ashura's retreating back, then turned to Fai with a disdainful snort. "That kid's a chip off the old block. And I thought the older one was gloomy."

"Thinking too much runs in the family, just like being straightforward runs in yours. If we had children, I'm sure they'd be straightforwardly moody."

"It's amazing how much the kid's like how you used to be."

"I really was like that, huh?" Fai wrapped his arms around Kurogane. "Well, I hope this person Ashura-chan's in love with is as good as you. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Hey," Kurogane said. "Enough talking about that. You're still not feeling well."

"Yeah, the headache came back. How did you know?"

"Your face is so relaxed all the time that it's hard not to notice when you're in pain. Do you need to rest some more?"

"I guess that might be a good idea." Fai massaged his forehead. "Maybe I should stop sewing so much in bad lighting, nee? My vision is getting blurry, and I can't even see Kuro-sama as well as I used to. If I keep it up, I might need spectacles like Watanuki-kun."

"That's better than you suffering through it." Kurogane bent down and kissed Fai's forehead. "Go to bed. I'll look after the kid."

"You're so sweet, Kuro-daddy. I'll make sure I feel better in the morning so I can be a good mommy, too!"

"Who's a daddy?" Kurogane snapped, but Fai simply winked at him and made his way to bed.

After Fai turned in, Kurogane pulled out their extra blankets and straw mattress to form a small bed for Ashura on the floor. When he peered out the window, he saw that the kid was back in front of the house, staring up at the full moon risen high over the village.

"Hey," he said, poking his head out the door. "You ready to come in? The bed's ready."

"Kurogane-ojisan..." Ashura turned to face him, exposing golden eyes that seemed to shine through the dark. "You were close to Yui-ojisan, weren't you? You must remember him well."

"Yeah, the three of us were kids together." He stepped the rest of the way outside. "Don't tell me you're going to be the next person who tries to take the blame for what that guy did. I've had enough of that."

"No. I've heard stories about Yui-ojisan ever since I was little. I know otousan and Fai-ojisan have already tried to take on the burden of guilt, even though that's the last thing he would have wanted. But it's true that Yui-ojisan was the one who named me, right? After my father?"

"Yeah. He didn't have the chance to know you for long, but more than anyone, he wanted you to be able to be happy in that family."

"I'm happy, for the most part," Ashura said. "Whenever I feel sad, all I need is to think of Yui-ojisan and how I should treasure the life he wanted me to have. But when it comes to love... I just can't be as confident."

"You're not alone in that, kid. It's too important for you to go into it lightly. But if you give up before you even start, you're the one who's going to be hurt." He sighed. "Go to bed. You can stay with us until you're ready to go back."

"I can?" Ashura's eyes began to water, and before Kurogane knew it, a pair of slender arms were wrapped around his waist. "Thank you for being so kind to me, Kurogane-ojisan!"

He wasn't sure what to do for a moment. He could only ever remember being embraced by his parents and Fai, and no one else. He'd never gotten close enough to letting his guard down around anyone else, to the point where even Yui had been nervous of crossing that line. But something about Ashura's simple transition to the gesture didn't trouble him. This person, too, was family, someone who had become a part of his life thanks to Fai. Even though they looked nothing like each other, there was a fragility to them that was achingly similar.

Kurogane sighed and ruffled Ashura's long hair between his fingers before turning back to the house and joining Fai in their bed. Fai sleepily cracked open an eye when Kurogane slid in beside him, and moved in closer to settle into his arms.

"Oi," Kurogane whispered, giving Fai another kiss on his forehead. "Thanks."

"Mmm. Why are you saying that now, Kuro-chi?"

"No reason," he murmured back as they drifted off together. "Just because."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

When he woke up the next morning, both Fai and Ashura were still deeply asleep. Fai's forehead had smoothed out, and corners of his lips were turned upwards. Whatever pain he had dealt with the day before had likely vanished, replaced by sweet dreams.

Kurogane pulled himself out of bed and began to build a small fire to boil some tea. Fai, like Yuuko, was more fond of starting the day off with alcohol or the coffee beans they sometimes sold in the markets, but Kurogane had lectured him enough on the superiority and healthiness of tea that he was willing to relent, claiming that he thought it was cute that Kurogane cared so much for his well-being.

Just when the kettle began to whistle and Kurogane removed it from the fire, someone rapped their their knuckles against the side of the house and murmured, "I'm sorry to intrude," just loud enough for Kurogane to hear. He sighed. It was probably Ashura's lover coming to to take the younger one back. Couldn't they just allow the kid to stick around for a few days? Ashura clearly had issues reigning in sixteen year-olds; both Fai and the younger Ashura were a testament to that.

Kurogane stepped outside. A tall, muscular man with long black hair that fell past his waist was standing outside the house, his dark eyes surveying his surroundings with careful interest. When they fell on Kurogane, the man bowed his head slightly, and in a soft yet oddly commanding voice said, "I apologize for taking up your time. I have come to return Ashura to Ashura-san."

"Am I supposed to know who you are?" Kurogane asked, folding his arms across his chest. Inwardly, he was somewhat annoyed with the number of attractive people involved with Fai's family. If they kept on popping up in the village like this, they were going to draw a whole lot of unwanted attention to their doorstep.

"I am Yasha, a guard who serves the village south of here. Taishakuten-san has asked me to return Ashura-san's child to his home, and apologize to yourself and Fai-san for the inconvenience brought to you."

"Why didn't he come himself?"

"Ashura-san is still unwell. It would be unwise to leave him alone, even for something such as this." The man named Yasha paused, his dark eyes seeming to gaze at Kurogane coldly for a moment. "Protecting the child Ashura is my honor. I would not have you troubled further."

"We're the kid's family," Kurogane reminded him, lifting an eyebrow. "If the older one's still sick, it's better for us to do what he can't. Why should we have to foist the kid off on someone uninvolved?"

"I'm not uninvolved," Yasha said. Kurogane was almost impressed by how cold the guy could make his voice sound while still remaining so quiet. "I was there when those two came to our village before yours flooded. I may have been only a child, but I remember it well, even the short amount of time Fai-san spent there before finding you. I have been a part of that child's life from almost the very beginning, and I should not be dismissed simply because I am not family."

_Ah, _Kurogane mused. _So this is the guy the kid was talking about. _He glanced back into the house. Ashura was just beginning to stir from the bed on the floor, golden eyes blinking in the bright light of the morning sun.

Kurogane raised his voice for Ashura's benefit. "Hmph. Don't talk to me like a brat who thinks too much of himself. If you're so important, why did the kid come here instead of to you? Why weren't you the guy to hear the things troubling that person's heart?"

Yasha clenched his teeth, indicating to Kurogane that he'd hit the right spot. When he glanced from the corner of his eye, he could see the Ashura had crept closer, watching with a conflicted expression.

"You want to be the person precious to that kid?" Kurogane continued. "Become stronger. Strong enough to understand the pain that heart won't express to you in words, and stronger still. You'll only ever be doubted if you leave room for a single speck of doubt. When that kid can no longer run away from you, then you can speak to me with that certainty of yours."

Yasha was quiet for a moment, staring Kurogane squarely in the eye. "I can do that," he said finally. "To make that person happy, I can do anything."

Kurogane grinned. He liked Yasha's firm tone and the simplicity of his declaration. There was no need to dress something like this in pretty words. Surely Ashura could understand, and would one day trust the truth to the love of this person.

He turned back to the house. "Hey, kid!" He called. "Some guy's here for you. If you want to talk to him, better do it now before he goes back to where he came from."

Without another word, he went back inside to let the children deal with their own problems. Fai was waiting for him, awake and propped up in bed, and what mattered to Kurogane was that he was smiling and looking so much better than he had the day before.

"Feeling all right?" he asked just to be sure, handing Fai the tea he had prepared earlier. Fai wrinkled his nose for the first sip, but gulped it down nonetheless.

"I'm fantastic," Fai said once he had finished. "Especially since Kuro-sama is so sweet to my family. I've never been so touched."

"What part of that was 'sweet'?"

"You may be able to fool Ashura-chan, but I know Kuro-daddy well enough to tell that he was trying to do them a favor with everything he said. Even though the two of us are happy now, you don't want them to suffer the same mistakes we did." With a laugh, he grabbed Kurogane's arms and yanked him into bed. "You know, as glad I was to see Ashura-chan, I didn't at all like being interrupted yesterday."

"Weren't you the one who ended up getting sick?"

"You would have made me feel better." Fai pulled Kurogane down for a long kiss, wrapping his arms around his back. "I'm expecting you to make up for it now."

"But the kid-"

Fai interrupted him with another kiss, and this time his hands slipped underneath his shirt, skimming against his skin and once again halting his train of thought.

"Kurogane-ojisan, I'm going to be going back with Yasha-sa-"

This time when they pulled apart to meet Ashura's gaze, the eyes staring back at them were more angry than flustered. "Fai-ojisan," Ashura said with a voice mimicking the quiet coolness of Yasha's. "If you keep on doing that to Kurogane-ojisan, he's going to think you're only interested in one thing."

Fai simply chuckled and waved his hand to shoo Ashura. "It's adult time, Ashura-chan, and Kuro-ojisan knows this is just one of a thousand things I'm interested in. You have a good time with that friend of yours!"

Without even waiting for Ashura to leave the room, Fai turned back to Kurogane with a contented smile, burrowing further and further into his waiting arms.

0o0o0o0o0o


	15. A Price

**A/N: **Well... this one was yet another hard one for me, and I hope you will forgive me for the inevitable return of angst. But please enjoy!

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**Fourteen: A Price**

Kurogane studied the rows of blank eyed fish displayed in front of him, squinting at them intensely as if pure concentration could draw information on their quality and taste from their lifeless bodies. Going to the market had always been one of Fai's favorite duties, especially since it gave him a chance to socialize and pick up the latest gossip, but that day he had shoved Kurogane unceremoniously out the door, ordering him to buy some fish for dinner. He had forgotten to specify what kind he wanted, and the tense and tired look on his face had made it hard for Kurogane to ask him directly. Fai's rougher days usually resulted in him turning gloomy, but recently they seemed to be making him more exhausted than anything. Whenever that was the case, it was better to just allow him to sleep it off than to badger him and make it worse.

"Are you going to buy something or not?" the fish seller said in a bored voice, swatting away a fly with his hand. Kurogane glared at him and continued staring at the fish. Surely one of them would strike him as familiar sooner or later. He'd eaten enough fish in his lifetime to have some sort of inkling as to which kind tasted better with which food.

What bothered him was not so much the fact that he was shopping on his own with no idea of what he was supposed to be buying. It was that Fai had been in a good mood all that morning, with no sign of something bothering him. He'd been looking forward to going shopping and forcing Kurogane to carry all his purchases, and had even suggested paying Yuuko a visit on their way home, when all of a sudden his face had darkened and he'd ordered Kurogane to take care of the shopping by himself. There had to be some reason or another for such an abrupt shift, and that he couldn't put his finger on what had set Fai off was driving Kurogane crazy.

Kurogane sighed and pointed to one of the fish at random. If Fai was troubled by something, it would only be worse if he came home empty handed. The fish seller glared at him as he wrapped up the purchase; Kurogane could only guess he had inadvertently picked out something cheap after wasting the seller's time with examining for over half-an-hour. Not that he much cared. With the fish selected and paid for, he could finally go home and figure out what was wrong with Fai.

As he walked back down the path home, an out-of-breath voice called to him from behind. Watanuki was stumbling along trying to catch up with him, an overflowing sack of food hanging from his shoulder.

"Ah," Kurogane said, pausing so Watanuki could slow his pace. "The kitchen slave."

"I haven't worked for Yuuko-san for years now!" Watanuki reminded him, gritting his teeth. He'd gotten better with his temper tantrums over the years, but Yuuko was still apparently a sore point.

"Yeah, but now you live with the priest, and he's even worse."

Watanuki couldn't deny it, but let out a long suffering sigh to indicate his feelings on the subject. "Anyways," he said when he recovered, "I don't know if you saw it back in the market, but the merchant who makes spectacles was back. Does Fai-san need a new pair? I was thinking it was around eight or so years since he bought his."

Kurogane rubbed his forehead. He'd made Fai buy them after a few more instances of headaches while working on his sewing, but he wasn't sure what shape they were in now. Fai hated wearing them, and usually only did when Kurogane was out of the house. Kurogane so rarely saw them that they could be broken now for all he knew.

"I'm not sure, but I'll let him know." Kurogane paused. "He hasn't seemed... strange... to you lately, has he?"

"Strange?" Watanuki tilted his head. "You'd know that better than me."

"Nevermind, then. I'll tell him about the merchant. Anything else you have to tell me? You're going to have to go the other way if you're going back home."

"Oh, yes. There was one thing." Watanuki pulled out a small bottle filled with what looked like water. "Doumeki wanted Fai-san to have this."

"Water?"

"It's purified, or something. I don't know that much about it, but it's supposed to help keep the body healthy."

Kurogane clenched his fists. "Is that guy sick? He's not hiding it from me, is he?"

"N-not necessarily. As I said, I don't really know much about it, but a lot of people use it to keep everything flowing and functioning properly. T-that's probably why."

"We'll see about that." Kurogane tucked the bottle into his robes. "Sorry to run off, kid, but that guy and I need to have a talk. Thanks for the information."

Watanuki tried calling after him that he could hardly be called a kid anymore, but Kurogane was already off down the path, back towards home. Fai was the kind of person who told him everything without trimming back the details- so why hadn't he mentioned about consulting with Doumeki about some purification ritual? And what had been up with his behavior that morning? What the hell was going on?

"Hey," Kurogane called out when he crossed the threshold into their home. "Wh-"

His question was cut short almost immediately. Fai was bent over on the ground in front of the family shrine, his hand pressed against his forehead. His face was dripping with sweat and twisted into an expression of pure agony. He didn't even seem capable of acknowledging Kurogane's return, but simply whimpered lowly, his eyes clouded with moisture.

Kurogane threw the wrapped up fish aside and knelt down beside Fai. "Oi, what's wrong?" He cupped Fai's face, almost pulling his hand away with how hot his skin was. "What happened?"

"Hurts," Fai whimpered, clawing at his head with his fingers. "I can't take it!"

"Your head?" Kurogane brushed Fai's hand away to keep him from hurting himself. "But this is much worse than usual..."

"So... bad..." Fai collapsed into Kurogane's chest, his breathing nearing hyperventilation. "Can't...see..."

"You can't see?" Kurogane cursed under his breath. There was no medicine in the house that could help with something like this, and clearly Fai needed to be treated immediately. But other than Fai's occasional headaches a few years ago, neither of them had gotten sick enough to require a doctor. Kurogane wasn't even sure which building housed the village's healer, and he knew he couldn't waste his time running around trying to find him. He didn't understand what was wrong with Fai, but clearly he was suffering pain beyond a standard headache.

Kurogane scooped Fai up into his arms. The only thing he could think to do was take him to the witch. She wasn't incredibly well-versed in medicine, but she was better than nothing. If she couldn't do anything, she could at least find them a doctor, and even she wasn't so cruel that she would demand compensation for relieving Fai of the pain that seemed to be breaking him. At least Kurogane hoped so. He'd never been good at trusting her, but even he could put that aside for Fai's sake.

Yuuko was lounging around drinking sake when Kurogane burst in, but she rose to her feet immediately to free up the chaise when she realized the situation. "Set him down," she ordered briskly. "Be sure not to jostle him."

"What's wro-"

"Questions later, Kurogane-kun." Yuuko dug through her shelves and pulled out a small canister of herbs. "Keep his jaw open for me." She placed one on his tongue and helped Kurogane clamp his jaw shut so he would chew. "This will help ease the pain for awhile."

"But it won't make it go away?"

"Not completely, no."

"Why do you seem to know exactly what's wrong with him?" Kurogane stared at her. "Has this happened before?"

"Just a moment. Hand over that vial in your pocket. It will help speed the process along and help him sleep soundly."

Before Kurogane could even react, Yuuko dug her hands into his robes and fished out the water Watanuki had given him, pouring it into Fai's mouth without spilling a single drop.

"Has this happened before?" Kurogane repeated. Fai's body was slowly settling, his whimpering at last subsiding. Kurogane wanted to be calm and wait for him to fully fall asleep, but he could tell by Yuuko's expression that this was not the first time she had seen Fai like this.

"Yes. It has happened before, but never to this extent."

"How many times?"

"About four," Yuuko said flatly, showing no emotion and simply gazing at Kurogane's many changes in expression. "Each while you were occupied in the fields. He was well to the point where he could come to this house without assistance."

"And why was I never told about this?"

"I cannot speak for Fai-kun, but as for myself, he asked me not to tell you. As someone acting as a healer to him in this situation, I have an obligation to keep details he does not want shared private."

Kurogane slammed his fist into the wall, creating a sizable crack where he made impact. "I don't give a damn about you and your obligations," he snarled. "What was the point of marrying that guy if he can't even talk to me about whatever this is? Why do I have to find out this way, seeing him like _this_?"

Yuuko surprised him by bowing her head to him. "This is not how I would have had you find out either, Kurogane-kun. But it is Fai's decision to make. It is your obligation to let him know how it feels, so he will reconsider ever doing such a thing again." She reached out to stroke Fai's forehead. "And for now, we must allow him to sleep. Regardless of how you feel right now, what's most important is assuring that he is well and out of danger."

Kurogane exhaled sharply, grinding his knuckles into the damaged wall. "Is that medicine all we can do for him now?"

"Yes, although he will need to eat and drink when he wakes."

"Until then, will you leave us alone?"

Yuuko studied his face for a moment before picking up her pipe and leaving without a word. There was no price she could demand as a consequence of his ordering her around in her own house. Already, he was paying with everything that mattered most to him.

He knelt down in front of the chaise lounge, wrapping his hands around Fai's. As angry as he was, nothing was greater than the pain he felt at staring at Fai's expression and not knowing what had caused it and how long it had been there. It was too cruel of him, taking the same path as Yui, closing him off with his silence. _Why did he never tell me anything? Why didn't he just talk to me?_

Kurogane sat there for two hours before Fai at last stirred, rubbing his eyes and glancing in confusion at his surroundings. When he noticed his other hand was held captive by Kurogane, his face paled. "K-kuro-sama... you saw..."

"Yeah, I saw," Kurogane said quietly, letting his face speak for his frustration. "And I want to know why I had to see it instead of hearing it directly from you."

"I have kept my word and said nothing to him," Yuuko said, appearing, as she always did, from seemingly out of nowhere. "But you will not be doing a single person any kindness by refusing to speak now, Fai-kun. Surely you can see that you are not the only one suffering pain for this."

Fai looked down at Kurogane's face, and his own crumpled in sadness the moment their eyes met. "I'm sorry," he whispered, placing his hand against Kurogane's cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"May I speak the truth to him?"

Fai couldn't speak, but nodded his head affirmatively.

Yuuko extended her hand, reaching behind Fai's head to the back of his scalp. "Here," she murmured. "In this place, there is a foreign presence that exists inside of Fai."

Kurogane stared at her blankly. "What? A 'foreign presence'?"

"Human bodies are designed with function in mind, but that does not mean there is nothing that cannot alter how they work. Many are born into this world with bodies that have undergone transformation, such as Ashura-chan, and many have theirs damaged within their lifetime. It is not always a detrimental change, and there are ways to survive such alterations, provided the body is able to find a way to work around them." She gave Fai's hair a stroke and drew her hand away. "But the presence in Fai is not one his body can work around. Its nature and placing obstruct an essential flow through his body, and may one day halt it altogether. I do not know enough about this disease to say for certain, but it carries with it a great risk. Already, it has begun to affect his sight."

"But didn't the spectacles help with that?" Kurogane asked, wondering why he was bothering to ask such an insipid question first when what he really wanted to do was demand the answer to how this thing within Fai could be removed. It was easier to confront the less challenging part of her explanation, but even so, he felt somewhat like a coward running away from the greater truth.

"My vision was getting bad years ago," Fai said quietly. "But not for the same reason. This is different. Sometimes, when I try to look at something, all I see are flashes of black. When you found me in the house, I couldn't even see your face when you were right in front of me."

"But just because it's cutting off your vision doesn't mean you'll-"

"Kurogane," Yuuko interrupted. "Let me explain what little I do know. There has not been much information gathered from cases like Fai's, but it is understood that obstructions in the brain are among the most dangerous. Our minds rule over us, and if that rule is corrupted, the rest of the body suffers as a consequence. His vision is what is influenced now, but should that influence extend any further, there is no guarantee that something else will not be lost. There is a chance that things will stay as they are, but if you want to protect Fai, you must be aware of the potential danger he is in."

"If it carries that risk, why is it still inside him?" Kurogane snapped, gritting his teeth. "Get it out of there! I know you have magic, and the priest has his rituals, so why has nothing been done about this?"

"There is nothing I would like more than to relieve him of it, but as I've already said, it exists alongside his mind. If I make a single misstep, his mind will be shattered permanently, a fate I would wish on no one. There is only one solution along the lines you are thinking of, but that, too, comes at a great price."

"Don't tell him," Fai croaked. "He'll want to try it."

"You're not going to stop me," Kurogane said, turning his determined eyes upon Fai. "I'm not losing you to something like this."

"All I can tell you is that there are worlds where this disease has been researched and can be treated while minimizing the risk to the patient," Yuuko said. "The world where one of my souls exists is such a place, and I do have enough magic to send Fai there."

"Oi, witch, speak plainly for once in your life. I don't know what the hell you're trying to say about worlds or souls."

"Haven't I spoken enough already of how the soul you posses exists in other places? Simply put, what I'm saying is that Fai can be taken to another place, one different from this one, one filled with different knowledge and possibilities. In this place lives a witch who grants wishes, but only if paid proper compensation."

"And why is this not an option?" Kurogane asked, glancing back at Fai.

"It's the compensation," he answered. "I won't do it."

"Helping Fai receive the procedure to remove the obstructing presence from him is one thing that must be paid for," Yuuko elaborated. "Since it will save his life, the price will have to be something of value to him. But that is not what concerns Fai. To return home to you following changing worlds will mean paying for the dimension witch's magic and knowledge of the worlds. There is only one thing that can be exchanged for such a service, and that is the thing a person holds as most important. And for Fai, what he treasures the most are his memories of you."

Fai propped himself up on the chaise. "Giving Yuuko-san the fabric before was a cost I could live with, since you promised you would get it back, and it was nowhere near as important to me as you were. But I won't give up thirty-eight years of memories with you. Not for anything, Kuro-sama."

"You living is what's important."

Fai shook his head. "Please don't misunderstand me, Kuro-sama. I don't want to die anymore. In fact, the thought of going and leaving you behind is terrifying to me. But even if my life is spared from this, if I forget about you and everything we've been through, what will it matter? I could come back and fall in love with you all over again, but I'm too old now to live forty more years and make up for all the time I will have forgotten. I don't want to restart now, not when I've tried so hard to be strong enough to stand beside you for all my life. I want to remember everything you taught me when Yui died, how you saved my life, how you held me for the first time, how you looked on the day I married you, how we kissed under the sakura trees, how we spent nearly every day of our lives together, in love with each other. I don't want only my body to remember. I want to have these memories in my mind until the day I die, no matter how soon that is. That is the future I am choosing, Kuro-sama. Please allow me to continue on with this choice."

Kurogane lowered his voice so only Fai would hear. "I'd remember everything. I'll hold on to everything for you. If we have to start over, I'll still fight for a future where you stay with me."

"I know," Fai said softly. "And I love you all the more for that. But this is the life I wanted. Even if there were moments of pain, I've been so happy. And I'd rather die tomorrow than live a few more years without the memories of you being there at the beginning. Please, Kuro-sama, try to understand that."

Kurogane sighed, once again taking Fai's hand. "Oi, can you stand?"

"Yes. The pain's not so bad anymore."

"Will you be able to make it home with me?"

"With you?" Fai finally smiled. "If it's with you, of course I can."

"Good." Kurogane helped Fai to his feet and turned back to Yuuko. "I'm taking him home. If this gets any worse than it is, I'm going to stop working for you. I'm not going to let what happened today go on while I'm not there anymore."

"That is fine," Yuuko said with a nod. "If things do get worse, what will help him most is having you at his side."

"That's always been the case," Fai said, resting his weight against Kurogane's arm as they began to move forward. "And that's the only thing I'll never be willing to lose."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

When they made it back to their home, Kurogane helped Fai into bed and prepared the fish he had purchased that morning. His mind was too occupied to think of using seasoning or doing anything more than simply grilling it as he tried to reconcile himself to what had happened. So much about Fai's illness was uncertain, but the potential for the worst happening felt all too real. What would he do with himself if he lost Fai? They'd been together their entire lives, from the very beginning, and to face up to the thought of losing him so soon was inconceivable. How could a world without Fai in it even exist?

"You're burning it!" Fai called from the bedroom.

"I barely spent any money on it, so it doesn't matter," Kurogane called back, pulling the fish from the fire. It would have to do. It was his own fault for thinking solely of the future when Fai was in the other room, alive and needing assurance from Kurogane that their happiness together hadn't died with this shattering revelation.

"Not only did you burn it, but you bought a pretty low quality fish," Fai pointed out when he'd finished eating. "I guess I earned it for pushing you to go out alone when I started feeling sick."

"And when the hell did you think you were going to tell me about this?" Kurogane asked. " Did me saying 'No matter what health or fortune, this person I will love' not make sense to you?"

Fai shook his head. "It's not that. The moment you knew would be the moment I would have to tell myself that it's real, that this is happening. I may have gotten stronger over the years, but not that strong. Not yet." He grabbed Kurogane's hand and placed it over his heart. "And then there's this. If I told Kuro-sama this very moment that I want to be joined with him, to feel him inside me so strongly that even the pain becomes nothing, what would he say?"

"After all you went through this morning, that should be the last thing you want. You need to rest."

"That's why, Kuro-sama. Just because I may be dying doesn't mean I'm not alive right now, loving you and wanting to feel your love just like before. Don't treat me like I'm going to break at any moment. I want whatever time we both have here to be filled with as much happiness as all the years before. So please." He wrapped his arms around Kurogane's neck. "Just let me..."

Kurogane grabbed Fai's jaw. "Don't fuck with me. There's never going to be a moment where I don't want you, so don't use that as an excuse to run away. When are you going to stop playing with me? Do you have any idea how it felt to come back and see you like that?"

Fai's lips trembled. "It's because I love you that I'm like this. I don't want to hurt you, Kuro-sama, and I don't know how to get around it without hurting myself and then still hurting you in the end no matter what I do. I know I'm being stupid. But you're the one who keeps loving me in spite of it. And even if I try to run, I can't end up anywhere else but with you."

"You..." Kurogane trailed off, pressing his forehead against Fai's. "_What do I do?__"_

"Kurorin?" Fai blinked up at him. "I'm sorry, but you've always done exactly what you wanted. You've never asked me that before."

"You mess everything up," Kurogane growled. "What do you want?"

"I want you to be with me without anything standing in between." He reached up and danced his fingers along Kurogane's lips. "I don't know what's going to happen, or how much time is left. But I want to be with you, Kuro-chan, until I can't. That's all I want."

"All right," Kurogane whispered. "I'll take you there."

It was different, making love in these circumstances. There was no room for any of their usual antics, no laughter from Fai or rough banter from Kurogane, only a silent yet potent examination of one another, a locking of eyes that would not look anywhere else but each other. Through every movement, Kurogane continued to stare fixedly at Fai, and rather than losing himself completely to the feeling of Kurogane inside of him, Fai stared steadfastly back, examining every shift and conflict of his expression. They moved slowly, slower than they had ever gone before, focused solely on the shared pain and love reflected in their eyes and the singular pleasure of their bodies taking each other with all the gentleness of their shared desire to protect each other through everything.

"Kuro-sama." Fai reached up to cup his cheek. "I'm terrified."

"Yeah," Kurogane murmured.

"But you'll stay with me."

"Yes."

"Then I won't have to go anywhere alone, Kuro-sama. I'll be fine." He at last closed his eyes for a moment, raising himself up to kiss Kurogane. "Even if it hurts."

When they at last came together, Fai buried his face in Kurogane's chest and began to cry. Kurogane reached out to brush his tears away, but Fai shook his head, allowing them to fall steadily down his face.

"Just this once," he whispered, holding on to Kurogane tightly. "Let me cry for myself and for you."

Kurogane nodded, and let his skin absorb everything Fai poured out, all the fear, love, anguish, and hope that came with standing at the precipice of an unknown future. There was no way of telling what would become of them, but Kurogane was for once glad he didn't know. This moment was what mattered, and there was nothing more he wanted than to hold on to Fai and feel his breath against him, their thirty-eight years of memories still the most precious treasure of his heart.

0o0o0o0o0o0

**A/N: **Do you think Fai made the right decision here? If losing his memories would be like with Syaoran and Sakura, where she remembered speaking to Syaoran but saw no one there in her memories, I wonder just how hard that would be for Fai to have almost every moment in his life recorded that way? Either way, it's a difficult choice to make... poor KuroFai!


	16. Shared Memory

**A/N: **Thank you guys for sticking with me even though our story is hitting a bit of a sad note. Kurogane and Fai have been learning how to be strong for each other's sake, but will it be enough to stand up to what's to come? As always, thank you for sharing your comments with me. My job is to make you guys think, but I like it when you make me think, too! Enjoy!

o0o0o0o0o0o

**Fifteen: Shared Memory**

There were no words for how badly it hurt, for both of them. It was hard enough for Kurogane to witness Fai suffering more and more every day as he was fractured from the inside, but whatever he himself was enduring, Fai was suffering a thousand times more. He couldn't imagine the pain he was feeling, but he could see some of it in the creased lines of Fai's face and reflected in his own heart when Fai spent his nights whimpering and holding onto his head, praying for it to go away. What hurt the most was that he couldn't make it go anywhere. He could give Fai his medicine, hold onto him through the night, and give him anything else he asked for, but he couldn't make it go away. And it killed him more than anything that he couldn't.

Kurogane dipped a cloth in cold water and placed it against Fai's forehead. He was doing better today, but he was still getting feverish in the summer heat, which was stifling in their room. What Fai needed more than anything was sleep, but it was hard to come by the way things were with both his body and the air burning like fire.

"It's fine, Kuro-sama," Fai whispered, reaching up to stroke his cheek. "I think I can rest now. Ashura-oniisan is here to see us, isn't he? You should go out to speak to him."

"He's here to see you," Kurogane corrected. "And you're not up to that now."

"He's here just as much for you. I'm not the only one in pain am I?" He tapped Kurogane's mouth and lowered his hand. "How are you feeling?"

"That's what I should be asking you."

"But I'm the one asking. Are you okay?"

Kurogane shook his head. "No," he said. "I'm not."

"I know. And I'm sorry. But I can't change my mind about Yuuko's offer." He tilted his head and looked up at Kurogane's face. "Before you go, can I look at you awhile more?"

"Will that help you fall asleep?"

"It will give me sweet dreams." He smiled in contentment as Kurogane held his eyes. "You're getting blurry, but I can still see you."

"Oi..." Kurogane sighed, giving up his fretting when Fai's eyes fluttered closed and he at last drifted off to sleep. Neither of them could figure out how to talk about the possible challenge approaching them, the threat of Fai losing his sight. It was always a lingering fear, presumably just as much for Fai as for Kurogane, but it seemed too unreal to confront just yet. How could the eyes that turned to him so many different times with so many emotions one day be unable to behold him at all?

Kurogane set aside the bowl and damp cloth and went outside to where Ashura was sitting beneath the window. He was at last beginning to show his age these past few years, his once raven hair turning white and his melodious voice growing raspy after repeated battles with sickness. He was still as dignified looking as ever, but there was a worn out quality to him now, a tiredness that had finally exhausted the youthfulness that had shone so long within him.

"A few visitors stopped by while you were taking care of him," Ashura said when Kurogane took a seat beside him. "The bento are from Watanuki-kun and Kohane-chan, and the purified water is from Doumeki-sama. The liquor, as you can guess, is from Yuuko-san, though I have no idea why she thought it would help." He turned and studied Kurogane's face. "I suppose you could use some."

"Hmph. You can have it. That guy doesn't need me any worse than I already am."

"True. You will need to be strong for him as well when he can't do everything for himself." Ashura sighed and folded his hands. "I'm sorry I cannot be of more use to you. I'm afraid that every time I see him, it brings back the moment I heard that Yui and Shashi were lost. I did not wish to live to see Fai taken, too... not after I promised his mother that I would treasure them both when she could not be with them. I feel as if I've failed, Kurogane-kun. The one who gave them the world they loved was you, not I."

"He's not gone, you know," Kurogane reminded him. "If you have something to say to him, I'm not the one you should tell."

"But how can I apologize? The life he has with you is what means everything. I was not meant to be the person who would save him, and I do not regret not being able to be more than I am, if it meant that you were at each other's side through everything." He smiled sadly. "But I cannot help but see you both as the children you were in the past. You are too young for this, Kurogane-kun, and so is he. The gods should have given you many more years than this."

"We could have died in that flood. More so than that guy's brother, we were fortunate."

"Yes, fortunate. But that makes it no less tragic now." Ashura shielded his eyes from the sun, staring off into the distance. "Perhaps it was selfish of me to put so much of the burden on you, but I did not want him to take the same path I took, marrying someone I didn't love because I felt like I couldn't be with the person I did. I just couldn't get the look on his face when he first told me about you out of my mind. He was just a child, and only newly moving on from the loss of his mother, but his eyes lit up whenever he said your name, and he told me without a note of doubt that he would marry you one day. Perhaps if I had been as certain as he had been back then, I would have never married Shashi and brought what happened down upon us. But I knew, thanks to that certainty, that the path of his future would lead to you. And here we are now."

Kurogane stared at the ground, a lump rising in his throat. _Here we are now._

"He was lucky, though. One who loves with such a single-minded focus does not always find happiness in this life."

"Don't talk about him like he's already gone," Kurogane snapped.

"I'm sorry. Being so close to death myself, I feel it everywhere and no longer fear it. I mourn only that I am powerless to do anything for those left behind. Perhaps that is how he also feels." Ashura placed his hand over Kurogane's. "As you would say so yourself, I'm too gloomy today to be of any use to my cousin. Would you walk me back to Yuuko-san's? I promise to be more help tomorrow. Taishakuten and I will bring breakfast, so you two may sleep in."

Kurogane wordlessly rose to his feet and helped Ashura to his. The village's path usually seemed so short and limited, but each step of Ashura's was slow enough where Kurogane could for once take a look at the world around him, from the rice fields he had left for Fai to the sakura grove where so many of their most precious memories rested. Even the tree where they had waited out the storm still stood, a monument to both the trials of their past and the miracle of their survival for so many years.

"The world is infinitely kind," Kurogane said at length. "Do you believe that?"

"Hmm?"

"It's something that guy's brother said once. Do you believe it?"

Ashura pursed his lips. "I am not certain. I don't know if such a thing can be said of a place that sent Shashi and Yui to such a fate."

"Then don't be so ready to go anywhere," Kurogane said. "Not until you're certain. You may think you're unafraid of what's to come, but that guy has you beat. He is the one who has become truly brave."

Ashura smiled, shaking his head. "He's always been a step ahead of me, that one. And you've always been two steps ahead of us both. He really has been fortunate, in so many ways. Perhaps this world is infinitely kind after all."

0o0o0o0o0o0o

When Kurogane made it back to the house, he prepared Watanuki's bento and brought it in to Fai for dinner. Fai was only just beginning to wake up from his earlier rest, but the smell of Watanuki's legendary food perked him up, bringing a pleased smile to his groggy face.

"Ah, Watanuki-kun is too good to me," he said when Kurogane placed the box in his lap and handed him chopsticks. "Finally some decent cooking!"

"Want to say that again?" Kurogane asked, glaring at Fai. He'd been preparing Fai's meals ever since he'd stopped working, and though he was by no means a bad cook, he'd become so immersed in caring for Fai that he ended up burning nearly everything he made.

"It looks like there's a letter attached to the box. Could you read it for me?" Fai pulled the paper from where it had been slipped inside the wrapping cloth and handed it to Kurogane.

"Let's see..." Kurogane squinted his eyes, trying to get a grasp on Watanuki's elaborate handwriting. "_'Hey you-_"

"There's no way Watanuki-kun called me that, Kuro-chan."

"If you want me to read it, allow for some revising. He says, '_We were all very upset to hear you were ill, and I hope it's not as bad as the witch fears. I'm a bit upset you hid it from Kurogane-san and everyone since THE PRIEST PUNISHED ME FOR ABOUT THREE HOURS TO TEACH ME NOT TO TRY TO DO THE SAME THING IN HIDING THINGS FROM HIM, but since it must be so hard for you to deal with this sort of thing, I understand why you did_ _it." _Kurogane paused. "Did he really need to share that with us?"

"Watanuki-kun is just doing what some of us can only dream of doing right now," Fai laughed. "If only I could be healthy enough for Kuro-pyon to go on a punishment spree with me."

"Oi, don't push your luck." Kurogane turned back to the letter. "Moving on. _'I don't know if there's anything I can do for you other than cook, but I wanted to let you know that if you ever me need me or the priest for something, we would be happy to help you as best we can. Both you and Kurogane-san were people we looked up to all our lives, so let us repay the favor for you now_.'"

Kurogane paused, handing Fai some of the water delivered by Doumeki. "The next message is from the priest. '_Please accept this water I have purified at the temple, as well as our prayers for both yourself and Kurogane-san. The kitchen slave may have already said this, but you are someone we would all hate to lose. Especially since you always give me tips abou-"_

"Oh ho, how forward of him," Fai chuckled.

"I'm not reading any more of this," Kurogane growled, tossing the letter aside. "Why do you feel the constant need to butt in on their relationship?"

"Doumeki-sama's lover is just as stubborn as mine, so we need to work together to make you guys melt, right? Besides, I need someone to live vicariously through now that I can't be much of a lover myself." He leaned his head against Kurogane's shoulder. "How was Ashura-oniisan?"

"Gloomy as ever. Unsurprisingly."

"He didn't make you feel worse, did he?"

"No. I set him straight. He said he'd tried to be better tomorrow."

"Mmm. Try to be nice. If you think about it, he's going through something similar to us right now. With Ashura-chan married and gone from home, it's just him and Tai-san... and neither of them are healthy any longer." Fai tugged his sleeve. "I think I'm going to sleep some more. Will you stay with me?"

"Yeah." Kurogane drew away and pulled off his clothes so he could slide into bed beside Fai. "Scoot over."

"So nice," Fai murmured, pulling him closer. "It's unfair that I'm sick. I want to feel you even more."

"Don't push your limits."

"I won't. But I can't change the way I feel." He rolled over so he was propped up on Kurogane's chest. "But at least I can look at you."

"Why?"

"I told you. So I can have sweet dreams."

Kurogane cupped Fai's face in his hands. "Why?"

"I still can't hide from you, can I?" Fai smiled sadly down at him. "I'm probably going to lose my sight soon, Kuro-sama. And I want the last thing I see to be your face."

"You..." Kurogane cleared his throat. "Why are you...?"

"So sentimental? Because you're the most important person to me. I know that I'll never forget your face even if I can't see, but I can't think of anything I'll miss looking at more. So please look at me, Kurorin. Even if I can't look back."

"Shit," Kurogane cursed under his breath. He couldn't speak for a moment, but raised himself up to kiss Fai so his inability to say anything more wouldn't be so painful. Why did it have to burn inside like this? He had waited so long to hear Fai saying such things so openly and honestly in front of him, but now it rested heavily on his heart, no matter how moved he felt by the sentiment. How could he lose this person? How?

When he pulled away and collapsed back on the bed, Fai leaned in to press their foreheads together. "Kurorin, I'm sorry," he whispered. "Please forgive me the pain I'm causing you. Please."

"Don't apologize," he said quietly. "Just stay. As long as you can."

Fai smiled, and slid back down so their arms were wrapped around each other. It felt so wonderful, just as it had when they'd held one another for the first time, but even though he slept peacefully and had sweet dreams, he could not help but feel his heart breaking underneath his skin, shattering at the simple thought of living in the world without the person he loved anywhere to be found.

0o0o0o0o0o0

He woke up the next morning to Fai shaking him on the shoulders, urgently whispering his name over and over again. He quickly snapped to attention, shaking off his drowsiness and gazing at Fai's expression to figure out what he wanted. Most times it was a drink or medicine, but today his face was tenser, almost verging on panic.

"What's wrong?" Kurogane asked, steadying Fai's arms so he was no longer being shaken. "What do you need?"

Instead of answering, Fai ran his hands up Kurogane's chest until they reached his face, where they began to desperately feel out his features one by one. His eyes were wide open, but they didn't seem to be focusing on anything, instead moving manically back and forth as if seeking and failing to find one thing in particular to settle on. For a moment, it looked as if Fai was in the midst of one of his episodes, his erratic movements inspired by the pain racking his body, but the moment Fai began to speak with complete lucidity, the awful truth hit Kurogane straight in his heart. _His eyes..._

"Kuro-sama," Fai whispered. "You're still here."

"Yes." He sat up and wrapped his arms around Fai. "You can still feel me, can't you?"

"Thank the gods, thank the gods," Fai sobbed. "I thought it would be cold in the dark, but you're still so warm. I feel you, Kuro-sama, even when I can't see you anymore."

Kurogane cradled him next to his beating heart, biting back all the denials fighting inside him. Even if Fai could be at peace, he wasn't sure he could say the same for himself. His most precious memory, his very first, was of those eyes, and even though they looked the same as they always had, the pointed gaze that had focused in on him to the exclusion of all else had severed, leaving nothing but darkness.

"Don't be sorry this happened," Fai said softly. "This isn't the worst possible thing, nee? I'd rather have this burden than to have not woken up at all."

"That doesn't make it okay either!"

"I know, I know. But listen, Kuro-sama. Your heartbeat sounds even sweeter to me than ever." Fai kissed his chest gently. "When Yuuko-san first told me about my illness awhile ago, this was the thing I was most afraid of happening. Even more so than dying. After Yui died, I was prepared to do the same, so I've reconciled myself before to my body no longer existing on the earth. But my sight is something I have always held as dearly precious to me. Do you know why?"

"Hm?"

"I've always told you that I adored you from the very beginning, right, Kuro-chan? But it wasn't exactly so vague as that. I remember the moment almost perfectly, as if it just happened. I was only four years-old. Four years-old, and already so certain I had found my soulmate... it's a wonder Yui and Ashura-oniisan even took me seriously when I told them, huh?"

"I sure didn't when you told me."

"No, you were always the one who took more convincing." Fai laughed. "It happened only about two years after you were born, back when your mother brought you over to play with us when she needed to be at the temple. You were only just beginning to talk, so I guess I really didn't know very much about who you would be as a person or any of the many things I love about you right now. I could tell you were stubborn and observant. And temperamental. But really, back then you were just some kid Yui and I... well, mostly me... could push around."

"Thanks," Kurogane said drily.

"You were only a baby! The age difference didn't mean anything after a few years, but at that point, Yui and I were way ahead of you. The only reason I was fascinated by you so early was because..." He trailed off. "I don't know how to express it, or why it even happened. All we were doing was playing with blocks, and I got bored and went to play with my mother's dress. Even back then, I liked being around fabric, and even though her lace was scratchy, it looked so beautiful. So I crawled underneath and said-"

"_Look at me_," Kurogane interrupted, stroking Fai's hair. "You told us to look at you."

He could feel Fai's lips smiling against his chest. "You remember, too? You were so young that I thought you wouldn't."

"It's the first thing I can remember. Not perfectly, but I've never forgotten what you said."

"Well, I don't think I had any other reason for telling you to look at me other than I thought I looked pretty with the lace around my head. But when you did look at me... I think I felt the world changing at that very moment. Kuro-sama had such beautiful eyes, and it felt like all he could see in the world was me. And even though we were both so young, it was almost like I understood that in the future I would fall in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life together with you. Maybe I really did know it, then. Yui was always attuned to those kinds of things, so maybe for that one moment, I was, too."

Fai went quiet for a moment, nuzzling into Kurogane's chest as he collected his thoughts. "After that, the thing I liked most about being with Kuro-sama was looking into his eyes. It hurt a little bit back when we were younger, because I could tell Kuro-tan didn't want to like me. But the older and older we got, the more those eyes looked upon me tenderly. You were right when you said the reason I couldn't die when I tried to drown myself was because I didn't want to die. I was thinking of you the moment that water pulled me under and the moment I fought for the shore when you found me. I wanted so much to see those eyes looking at me once again, giving me a reason not to give up on everything just because I had become afraid of you loving me."

"And now?" Kurogane asked.

"And now I know you love me," Fai said simply. "I don't need to see or even hear. _I know_."

Kurogane bent down as soon as these words left Fai's lips and kissed him soundly for a long moment. Fai had been much too exhausted lately to give him much in the way of a response, but with this kiss, he eagerly lifted his body to meet Kurogane's touch, running his fingers in intent lines down the parts of Kurogane he could no longer see with his eyes.

"Kurorin," Fai whispered, gently pulling away. "I know we can't do it because I need all the energy I have, but if you keep this up, I won't be able to stop."

"And the gloomy guy and his lover are coming," Kurogane said, disobeying orders and giving Fai one last peck. "I know."

"In that case, you should get dressed so they don't get an eyeful when they come." Fai trailed his fingers along the bottom of his unseeing eyes. "This will make things difficult. You'll need to be around to help me even more, and there's already so much I'm not strong enough to do. I wish I didn't have to burden you like this."

"Shut up," Kurogane advised him, getting out of bed and digging through his wardrobe for a yukata.

"Now that's my brusque Kurorin! As long as I have you as my eyes, I know I will be able to continue on like this." His face turned solemn for a moment. "But the fact that it doesn't hurt so badly now might just be a calm before the storm. I may not be able to even leave my bed soon after this. We should be ready for either path, no matter what happens."

Kurogane ground his fist into the wall and clenched his teeth. "I know you want to be practical," he said. "But don't think of what will happen next right now. It's bad enough, what happened just now. Don't make it worse."

"I'm sorry." Fai extended an arm to reach out to Kurogane, but unable to see where he was, he slowly dropped it again. "You'll figure out what to do without worrying about it. And I will keep putting my trust in you."

Kurogane turned his head back to look at Fai. He had always chosen to live his life in the present while fighting for the future, but the future he was dreading was brushing dangerously close. The blue eyes that darted back and forth, still in spite of everything trying to find his, knew how to be trusting, but had so many times shown him their capability for fear. There was only one thing he could do moving forward other than to love Fai and help him, and that was to be strong, strong enough to protect what was precious to him from any further pain and strong enough to know that while he couldn't save Fai from everything that was coming, he could and would hold him in his eyes until the very end.

o0o0o0o0o0o

**A/N: **I didn't even realize until after writing this that it has a connection to Fai trying to barter away his sight in Infinity in order to travel to Celes. If TTB Kurogane knew about that, I'm sure he would do what canonKuro did: whack canonFai a good one to the head.


	17. Parting

**Sixteen: Parting**

Kurogane collapsed into the chair beside the fireplace, his head pounding and vision swimming as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He couldn't remember anymore the last time he'd slept; it was beginning to seem like something he had done a lifetime ago, as another person altogether.

"Kurogane-san..."

He rubbed his eyes and glanced up. Watanuki was standing at the table, filling two bowls with the soup he had just finished preparing over the fire. It smelled as delicious as ever, but Kurogane was too exhausted to feel any interest in it. "Bring it in to him," he said, waving feebly towards where Fai was sleeping in the bedroom. "I'll help him get it down."

Watanuki shook his head. "This is for you to eat, Kurogane-san. You haven't had anything all day."

"I don't need-"

"Yes," Watanuki interrupted. "You do." He forced the bowl into Kurogane's hands. "You're in no shape to take care of Fai-san right now, since you're barely even taking care of yourself."

Kurogane sighed, but took a sip of the soup to appease Watanuki. He was past the point of being able to appreciate the flavor and taste, but his stomach was grateful for the nourishment after running on nothing for such a long time.

"The doctor was here this morning, right?" Watanuki asked, sitting down beside Kurogane. "Is there any news?"

"Nothing good."

"Ah. Well, Seishirou-sensei is a bit of a sadist, so maybe he was exaggerating?"

Kurogane shook his head. "I don't know much about that guy's illness, but I know enough to tell that he isn't getting better. His body is tougher than it looks, but even he can't go on enduring that kind of pain at every moment." He clenched his fist, staring out the window into the bleak gray landscape of the village in the midst of a summer that had yet to escape from spring. "I want that guy to fight with everything he has. But I can't take it."

"Seeing him suffer?"

"And knowing that losing him is the only way out we've chosen to take." Kurogane finished off his soup and picked up the bowl still left for Fai. "It's getting dark. You'd better head back before it gets colder. I can take it from here."

"But, Kurogane-san, you really need to sleep. I could always stay over and look after Fai-san for you."

Kurogane shook his head. "You have someone waiting for you. Don't make him worry. I'll rest after that guy gets his food and medicine."

Watanuki looked doubtful, but at last relented with a nod. "I'll try and come back tomorrow afternoon. But it will make things difficult for both of us if you end up sick as well."

"I won't," Kurogane said, waving Watanuki off. He didn't at all intend to sleep, but telling Watanuki that he was afraid that the moment he closed his eyes would be the moment he lost Fai for good would only make him worry all the more. Even if he ended up getting sick or making things difficult, for once it didn't matter at all to him. If it was inevitable that Fai could not be spared, the least he could do was make sure he wasn't alone up until the very end.

When he entered the room, Fai was half-awake, digging into his forehead with his fingers as if trying to tunnel inside himself to attack directly at the source of his pain. Kurogane had trimmed back his nails so he wouldn't be able to injure himself, but there were still little red welts on his skin when Kurogane eased his hands away, proof of the desperation born of the excruciating pain he was suffering.

"Kuro-sama," Fai whimpered, lost in his delirium. "It won't go away."

"Sssh," Kurogane hummed. He ran his hand soothingly down Fai's back. "I know it hurts, but it'll be even worse without food or medicine. Here, open up." He placed a hand on Fai's jaw, helping it open. "Good. Try and hold still for me."

Little by little, he helped Fai swallow the soup, praying that this time he would be able to keep it down and receive the nourishment he so desperately needed. He had always been slender, but his illness had made him uncomfortably underweight, so much so that Kurogane could barely feel him when he held him in his hands.

Fai calmed down a little when he had taken his medicine, so Kurogane gently shifted their position on the bed, cradling Fai against his body and pressing his hand against the burning heat of his forehead. Whatever pain lingering beneath was unreachable, but Kurogane liked to think that Fai could feel him, and that the warmth he gave was stronger than everything else.

They rested there for a long time, Fai drifting in and out of sleep and Kurogane keeping him close, sinking into a dream-like state while still leaving his eyes fixed on Fai and monitoring his labored breathing. Though Fai was light, Kurogane's own body felt like a dead weight, made heavy by the burden of a future he feared and a present that was brutally hurting the person he loved. He could remember his mother smiling down upon him, telling him that all things held significance, even in losing and parting, but he couldn't rationalize why this was happening, why living should be made to be an even greater pain than dying.

"You are strong," a soft voice whispered, almost as if it was speaking from inside his mind. "But because you are strong, you are fragile. There is a place the grieving go where they can only wish for the one thing that cannot come true and lose themselves inside of that wish. Do not stray so close, Kurogane. Do not let the soul he loved so much vanish."

Kurogane closed his eyes. The words spoken to him sounded so familiar, as if they had been shared once with him before. The voice, too, was one he knew, and though he was certain beyond a doubt that he was hearing his mother, he knew that she was gone, and there was no hope of hearing her now. Having her come back was, as the voice had just gently reminded him, the one wish that could never come true.

However, when he opened his eyes again, his mother was sitting in front of him, a bright red spot blooming on her miko robes. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief, but even when they were clear she still sat before him, smiling with the gentle eyes he had lost so long ago.

"How-"

She held up a finger to shush him. "It is with the last of my time that I was able to come here. And because you too have weakened, I was able to find you in dreams. But there is little time for me to speak, so I must say only what needs to be said." She reached out a hand to stroke his face. "But you must forgive this sentimental woman, since I cannot help but wonder if my Kurogane will look like you when he is older. I do not wish to leave him, even though I know my passing will set into motion something greater. He will be grieved, as will you, but there is purpose in the path this world takes, and purpose in living, no matter how great the pain of it is. Your heart has grown strong, so surely you know there is meaning. Even in this. These are things that must happen."

She rose to her feet, clasping her arms over her chest and smiling. "You need not mourn that you suffer. Mourn only that you were too powerless to stop it, and then become stronger until you have power enough to change your world with your own two hands. And know that should you fail, your life is not the end. There are no endings for your soul, my child. Only new beginnings, new chances for you to grow and become something more with the life you were given. But now it is time for me to begin my journey again. Farewell, Kurogane. Live without fear and fight for the day when your soul will find his once again."

"What-" Kurogane started to say, but the vision of his mother suddenly clouded, and when he opened his eyes, he was back in the room, Fai's body trembling in his arms.

"A dream?" he murmured. It had grown darker, but surely he couldn't have slept for all that long. And even if it had been a dream, why had it felt so real? Why had the woman he'd seen resembled his mother so clearly and yet spoken as if she was someone else entirely, and knew someone who was him and yet wasn't?

"Kuro-sama," Fai's voice whispered, sounding exhausted but yet more lucid than it had been for some time. "You... you are... here with me, right?"

"Yes."

"Then... let me look at you."

Kurogane shifted back so he was kneeling beside the bed, looking down at Fai's sunken face. He took Fai's hand and placed it against his own cheek so that he would be able to feel exactly where he was, even though he couldn't see him.

"I'm here," he said. "Can you feel me?"

Fai's fingers skimmed across his face, and his blind eyes darted upon each of his features, unable to settle on that which they couldn't see. It felt so hopeless, but Kurogane followed his eyes all the same, wishing that they would find him once again, if only for a single moment.

"Look at me," Fai murmured, all of a sudden going still. His eyes traveled slowly until they at last settled on Kurogane's and came to a halt. A smile dawned across his features, sweeter and more at peace than Kurogane had ever seen him before. "Ku...ro..."

"Fai." The name he had never said before in all his life felt oddly powerful as he at last spoke it, both overwhelming in its beauty and heart-rending in its sadness. He had always thought he would say Fai's name for the same reason he had first spoken Yui's, as a final way of getting him to rethink the careless ways he treated his life, but those days had long passed, and there was nothing deliberate in the way he was losing Fai now. But it was the only thing he had left to give that would let Fai know in simple terms not only how much he loved him, but also how dearly and truly their life together had transformed him.

Fai's eyes little by little closed, and his hand went slack and fell away from Kurogane's face. "Oi!" Kurogane said, every cell of his body growing tense with panic. "Don't..." He grabbed Fai's wrist, feeling the flagging heartbeat against his hand. "Shit," he choked out. His body demanded him to do something, but for once he couldn't think of anything that would help or change what was happening. He stared down at his hands, ashamed of his helplessness, ashamed that after all he had done to keep Fai with him for all this time, there was nothing more that could be done.

"Don't you... don't go like this," he barked, but there was nothing his words could change, no further they could reach. The pulse he felt beneath his fingers had stopped, and all at once he was horribly and achingly alone.

"Wait..." he said, his voice wrecked with despair. "Why didn't I... why couldn't I?" His body seemed to collapse in on itself, his head falling to the bed beside Fai's body. All the exhaustion and lack of sleep from the past months washed over him, but more than that, the feeling of helplessness drained him of any of the strength he might have had. He had thought he had braced himself for this, at least as much as one could prepare for the loss of something so precious, but the reality of it was even more crushing than he had thought it would be. Even though there was some relief in the knowledge that Fai was no longer enduring the pain of what had invaded his body, the emptiness in his own life and knowledge that he would never be able to speak to or hold or share a moment with the soul that had been the center of his world for every moment of his life overwhelmed everything else.

_ How could there be meaning in this? How could something so horrible, so painful be something that needed to happen?_

Kurogane closed his damp and heavy eyes, images and words flowing through his mind in a jumble, providing him no connection or meaning or answer. It was almost too easy to sink into this numb oblivion, to lose himself in this place where the world went on without him and he did not need to choose or wish or move forward with time. But no matter which way he looked at it, all it was was running away. He could not stop time or wish away death or even chain the memory of Fai to his grief. His life was beloved by the person he loved, and if continuing on was the best way to honor that love and the beauty of the life they had lived together, he would continue on, wishing for what he had wished for from the very beginning: that the soul of the person most precious to him would always know happiness and peace.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

When Kurogane opened his eyes again, the first light of morning was streaming through their window, haloing the room in a warm light that cut through the unseasonable chill. The rain had dried while he slept, and the village had been erased of its damp and defeated atmosphere, leaving it devoid of anything that would make it less than beautiful to behold. Just looking at it pissed Kurogane off. He wanted to break something, to make the world understand that even if it had to move forward, it should suffer just as much as he was suffering, and properly mourn the loss of the thing that had made it so lovely.

He was too angry to sit still, even though he knew that he needed to contact Doumeki about handling the body, or at least reach out to Ashura, who would surely need the time to work through the pain this news would cause. The need to upend the insufferable peace surrounding him was much more pressing, and there was one place above any other that he wished to see suffer the brunt of his anger.

Before he left, he gazed down one last time at the body that had been a home to Fai's soul, the body he had known and treasured even more than his own. There were no words he knew that could convey every single emotion that existed in his heart at that moment, and perhaps drawing up something to say was not even necessary. Fai was no longer a part of that body, even though his physical memories were still imprinted within it. But even so, he felt that if he didn't make his peace in some way, moving forward would be all the more difficult for him.

"Thank you," he said quietly, clearing his throat. The sound of his voice sounded so fragile to him, so emptied of the strength and unshakable conviction that had once filled every syllable. "Thank you, and goodbye."

It was chilly outside, but Kurogane paid it no mind as he made his way to the Reed manor further down the path. The cold wasn't going to kill him, and as long as he could satisfy the pent up frustration in his body, he didn't care if he caught a cold later. That, too, could not kill him; as long as valuing Fai's memory depended on his will to survive, he would survive for as many years as he was given.

When he at last reached the manor, Kurogane lifted the ax he had pulled from the fireplace before he'd left and brought it crashing down upon Yuuko's walls. He knew it wouldn't hit, and that the blade would strike upon the barrier she had put there instead, and he was gratified by the sharp clank it made when it did. He couldn't care less about Yuuko or the house, but he wanted the barrier to shatter at his hands. What was the purpose of relying on such a thing? There was no way to protect everything, or to reach a resolution that would bring happiness to every person. A barrier was just as fallible, just as imperfect in its strength as he himself was. There was no reason why he could not dispel its illusion of perfect safety with his own hands.

Time and time again, he brought the ax crashing down upon the barrier, filling his every movement with all of his anger and grief. The ax continued to clang against it, seemingly powerless in the face of Yuuko's magic, but while there was a limit to her power, there was no longer a limit to his determination. The more and more he swung his ax against the wall, the deeper and deeper it seemed to travel within the barrier, until the moment came where it passed through it entirely, at last cutting into the walls of Yuuko's home.

Satisfied, he threw the ax to the ground and exhaled deeply, releasing all the anger that had boiled up within him. He hadn't been strong enough to protect what mattered, but he could grow stronger. It was not the ending; only a new beginning. Even if Fai was gone, that didn't mean he had to stop growing.

"Have you had enough?" Yuuko's voice came from behind him. She placed her hand on his shoulder. "Come inside and rest. I will send Doumeki to your home to take care of him."

He didn't want to do as she told him to, but neither did he have the will to go back to his own house at the moment. Now that he had destroyed what he had come here to destroy, he wasn't even sure what he wanted to do as the next step. The question he was grappling with was still holding him back. _What was the meaning to this, to any of this_?

Without him even registering what was happening, Yuuko led him inside the house and prepared a cup of tea, along with a small bit of food. "I'll return when all is settled," she said quietly. "If you can, rest. You have gone without sleeping and eating enough for so long that it is too much to ask for you to handle all that has happened in your weakened state."

"Oi, witch." Kurogane lifted up his head. "You told me once that I couldn't change the fact that I would experience pain, but that I could at least choose what I was going to do about it."

Yuuko gazed at him for a moment, her expression unchanging. "Yes," she said at length. "You are alive and have presumably chosen to move forward. Since you have chosen this, it is your obligation to decide what you will do with the existence you have accepted."

"Then explain something. You say you 'know the world' and that there are... other places... different from where we are now. That there's a place where that guy's illness might have been cured."

Yuuko nodded. "I must admit that you managed to surprise me by not taking that option, and I'm not easily surprised. Your nature in most cases would have demanded you to save him, even if Fai hated you for it."

"I won't lie. Up until the end, I considered it. But..."

"But?"

"The decision he made... it wasn't for the wrong reasons. If he had been doing it to throw his life away or devalue himself, I would have stopped him in a heartbeat. But for once, that guy's head was on straight. He was thinking of what he really wanted, for himself and for me. If I rejected that guy's choice when it really mattered, it would be like throwing his feelings back in his face." Kurogane's throat felt tight, and he swallowed deeply to clear it. "Even if he no longer had his memories... I'm sure a part of him would always somehow hold the knowledge that I didn't trust him with what he held as most important. And when I gave myself to him, I swore I would never make him feel that way again for all our lives."

"I see."

"But I don't want to talk about that right now. That other world you mentioned didn't always know how to cure that illness from the very beginning, did it?"

"No world 'begins' with that sort of knowledge. A world is born with life, and those who live choose what the world will become. The world I spoke of has focused on the exploration of all that exists and the development of tools that will help them understand it and that will create new possibilities not readily apparent. That was the path the people who lived there took."

"And researching that particular illness was something they deliberately chose to do."

"Yes."

"And that choice was made because that illness took the lives of people who were loved. That was what they could do to keep other people from suffering the same pain and keep more people from dying."

"Yes. That is how living works. Because this village flooded, we have looked for ways to harness and contain the river so we will not have to live in fear every time the season of rain comes. Because children and mothers are lost in childbirth, a midwife learns to advance her craft to assure that no one need bury their own child or wife. Because we depend on our rice crop and go hungry when it fails, we have improved our means of planting, irrigation, and harvest. It is through our suffering and lack that we learn to grow and improve so as not to bring more suffering upon us and the ones we love. If we did not experience pain or difficulties, we would become content, and in our contentment we would forget to grow and do more with our lives than simply exist. There are more worlds in this universe than you can comprehend, but every world where life exists has learned this lesson, and has become something different because the people who live there strive for change and desire with all their hearts to satisfy their wants and fill their emptiness. And this world is no different."

Yuuko knelt down in front of Kurogane, looking him square in the eye. "I am sure you have asked yourself already why it needed to be him, why Fai-kun had to be the one to suffer. With Yui, it was easier for you to understand. A series of choices made by Shashi and her family, Ashura, Fai, Yui himself, and many others led to that outcome, and the flood solidified it. But with Fai, his body simply failed him. It could have happened to anyone. Why his body? Why him?" She reached out to draw her finger down his jaw. "Do you know the answer?"

Kurogane batted her hand away. "Who knows? That guy... when a person like him is lost, it doesn't seem fair. And when things aren't fair, no one just sits back and lets it happen."

"Exactly. When a criminal falls ill, we consider it justice and have no motivation to extend ourselves to save him. When our enemies suffer, we assume they are only receiving their due, and even rejoice when they are lost. But when suffering falls on ourselves and that which we hold dear, then we are moved to act, and then we extend ourselves to change. If misfortune only fell upon those who 'deserve' it, the balance of the world would be upset and we would stagnate for as long as those who are good fail to comprehend the consequences of suffering pain. That is why we each suffer fortune and misfortune. By experiencing joy we discover what it means to possess happiness, and by suffering pain we realize what we must overcome and sacrifice in order to be happy. Yes, it hurts us deeply and fills us with despair, but the same heart that now mourns Fai loved him and gave him transcendent happiness in life, and now may still love him and give him peace in death. That is a choice that it is up to you to make. But your grief is not without meaning, Kurogane. Surely you understand this, deep within your heart."

Yuuko rose to her feet and draped a fur stole over her shoulders. "I will fetch Doumeki now. You may do as you wish, but I suggest once again that you rest. You will have time enough to consider what will come next when you wake."

"Oi," Kurogane persisted. "When you get the priest, get the doctor, too. I don't know how much it will help, but even though that guy is... the presence within him will still be there, right?"

Yuuko tilted her head. "I do not know much about it, but since it is not spiritual in nature, I suppose it would be."

"Then... give the doctor permission to study it. Maybe it won't yield much, but it's better than nothing."

"Are you certain?"

"It's too late to save him. I know that. Finding more about what happened won't change that he's not here anymore. But the next time this happens to someone else, they shouldn't have to hear that nothing is known about it and that the only way to fix it is going somewhere else and giving up the thing most important to them. If other worlds can figure it out, then we'll do the same for ourselves."

"I see." Yuuko smiled slightly. "That is the choice you are making. He will be honored by you, Kurogane. And you honor yourself in understanding that there is more than one way to be strong."

When she left the room, Kurogane forced down the tea and snacks, still not feeling enough to taste anything, though his heart felt a little bit lighter than before. It was just as difficult to be in this home as it was to be in his own, with the smell of incense in the air reminding him of all the times Fai dragged him over to look at Yuuko's kimono and how Yuuko always startled them by popping through the windows even when the house had become completely hers. It was fine to move forward and rebuild the future, but the present still hurt as much as ever, and the emptiness of being there without the person he loved was as painful to him as anything he'd ever suffered. Even if there was meaning, even if there was purpose, there would never be a way to restore completely what had been taken from him, but only a slow wait until he, too, would no longer have to suffer.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o


	18. To My Love

**A/N: **Thank you so much for your support of the last chapter. What happened was already established in One Soul and the prologue of To the Beginning, but I was still a bit nervous that everyone would be upset with me... because, well, it was kind of upsetting. But you guys are amazing as always, and like Kurogane's mother you know there's meaning to everything, even this.

Just to keep everyone posted, this is the last chapter before the epilogue, BUT there is also a little treat coming your way after that. I'll talk about that next week, so stay tuned!

o0o0o0o0o0o

**Seventeen: To My Love**

It was nearly impossible for Kurogane to take the moment his private grief became public. It was one thing to have Ashura-san and Taishakuten bring Ashura-chan and Yasha to stay with him at Yuuko's, and it didn't bother him so much that Watanuki had also returned to resume his old position of preparing their food, but it was hard to receive every person in the village one-by-one as they personally paid their respects. They each tried to be kind as they conveyed how sorry they were to lose Fai and how much they respected the relationship the two of them had shared, but Kurogane grew tired of summoning the energy to respond to their condolences and hide the full extent of his mourning from their prying eyes. It was moving to see how many people had truly cared for Fai, but all the same, he wished he could separate himself from everyone else, leaving the raw nakedness of his sorrow only for the memory of Fai to bear witness to.

The funeral ceremonies themselves were solemn and respectful, and Doumeki did his best not to draw them out for Kurogane's sake. Even if they were given a week to honor Fai's life, there would never be enough time to articulate what had really happened, all the beauty and pain of his childhood and the struggle to grow up and move forward after he had lost his faith in the future following the death of Yui. Doumeki also spared a few words to address the love Kurogane had carried for Fai, but even that was not enough to describe an emotion that had spanned thirty-nine years and defined everything that mattered in his life.

After Doumeki concluded the rituals and Kurogane once again had to endure the repeated exchange of condolences, Yuuko knelt down in front of him and took his hands, which for once he was too tired to push away. "Watanuki-kun will be preparing food to bring to your house for your family," she said softly. "I know you have not been in that house since Fai-kun died, so we will give you time to adjust yourself before we arrive. If it is absolutely necessary, the feast can be moved to my manor, but I do not recommend you hide from the memories in that house for any longer than necessary. That place is your home, and it will not be welcoming to you if you fear it."

Kurogane shook his head. "I'm not afraid of it," he muttered. "But..."

"But?"

"The family shrine... no one ever drew a portrait of that guy, did they? There's nothing I can put there when I get back other than his name."

"There is something," Yuuko corrected him. "It is an older picture, but one that should reflect who he was at a very important time in your life, the first years you lived together shortly after the flood. And I need not give it to you, since it's been in your possession ever since it was drawn."

"What are you talking about?" Kurogane grumbled, finally brushing her hands away. "Where would I have gotten something like that?"

"Fai-kun was unable to sew near the end of his life, but surely he kept the box where he stored his thread and tools. You will find what you are looking for in the box's bottom."

"Are you trying to tell me that he's had a picture of himself all this time that he's never shown me?"

"It's more complicated than that. You do remember that I asked Fai to sew his wedding kimono as one of the earliest pieces he'd ever made. It would have been difficult for him to attempt it without proper preparation and sketching."

"Yeah, yeah, I've seen his sketches before. But he only ever drew the kimono on its own."

"Normally, yes. But I hardly need to remind you of how important that particular fabric was to him." She rose to her feet. "But you'll see for yourself. And I look forward to seeing it again this evening, Kurogane-kun."

Yuuko walked away to retrieve Watanuki, and Ashura-chan took her place to help Kurogane to his feet.

"How are you feeling, kid?" Kurogane asked, noting Ashura's bloodshot golden eyes. "You haven't been looking too good."

"I look just about as bad as you, ojisan. Are you sure you don't want me to walk you back to the house?"

"If I can't do it myself, there's no point. You just let that quiet guy of yours take care of you and don't let those tears of yours be shed alone."

"And you?"

Kurogane shook his head. "I'm not alone either. That doesn't change so easily."

The walk back to his house seemed longer than he remembered it, but then again, he'd never been away from it for so many days, except when he'd been kept at Yuuko's with his fever. It felt odd to stand in front of it, to have it almost completely the same as he'd left but yet so terribly different. His hand remained frozen in front of the door, wanting to slide it open and bravely accept the silence waiting for him inside, but all the same hesitating, knowing that this, too, was a moment he could not turn back from.

He took a deep breath and pulled open the door. The table was bare and all the chairs remained empty, with only Kurogane's worn sun hat slung onto the backboard. Fai's spectacles were set on the family shrine, but other than that, there was no sign of him anywhere.

_But he's here_, Kurogane reminded himself. He knelt down to dig through the shelves until he found Fai's sewing box, unopened now for years. The clasp struggled to open, and once Kurogane forced it to unlatch, he saw that the box was sloppily strewn with swatches of leftover cloth, sheets of needles, and a tin full of pins. He emptied it item by item onto the floor until all that was left was a pile of papers covered in sketches and measurements and notes. Most Kurogane sorted through were familiar to him, and none seemed out of the ordinary. It wasn't until he made it through all the sketches from Reed-san's kimono that he came across the ones from the fabric he had purchased for Fai and saw what Yuuko had meant.

The first of the sketches was like the others, strewn with notes on the measurements Yuuko had left him and diagrams of where exactly the stitches should be on the garment. It was the second that was different. There were no details written on it, or even a hint of roughness or haste in the quality of the sketch. The kimono was rendered in intricate detail, down to the shading on the folds and how the pattern would fall with the kimono completed with its two wide sleeves and obi wound around the waist. But it was not the kimono that held Kurogane's eyes. It was the limber body the inked fabric covered, the beautifully translated figure of Fai reaching out in a moment of joy, his eyes bright and his hands pulling Kurogane in until he was completely lost inside him.

His hands shaking, Kurogane turned the drawing over. In Fai's tiny handwriting the words _My wish for the precious gift from my love _were written in a neat line, almost too small for Kurogane to make out. He almost didn't believe it when he scanned it for the first time. After all, Fai had been deeply in denial during those years, and had determinedly run away from Kurogane's love with all the fear inside of his heart. He hadn't even had any knowledge of the purpose for which the kimono had been intended, but still he had wished for it in secret, imagining himself accepting the happiness he thought he couldn't have.

Kurogane read the message over and over again, and then turned to study the drawing itself once more. Fai had always been a decent artist, but this was beyond anything Kurogane could have imagined him creating. It wasn't the lifelike quality of Fai's face and body that truly struck him, but rather the clarity with which Fai had captured his own soul, laying it so potently bare at a time when he hadn't even been able to confront it properly on his own.

He didn't have a frame for it at the moment, but he laid it on the family shrine, pinning it in place with Fai's spectacles. With the portrait set up beside Yui and his parents, Kurogane knew it was time to clean up the dust and prepare the house to receive guests, but all he could do was remain seated in front of the shrine, gazing into the eyes that held the quiet wish for the love Kurogane still felt in his heart, a love stronger than death and that knew no ending, even in spite of the silence of the new life he had come home to.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

Ashura-chan and Yasha were the first to arrive at the house. "Here," Yasha said, thrusting forward a bottle of sake. "We knew Watanuki-san was cooking, so we thought we could at least bring this."

"Thanks." Kurogane accepted the bottle and set it on the table. "Come on in. It's not very clean, but-"

"That's why I told you to let me come with you!" Ashura snatched up a cloth and began wiping down the table. "After what happened, no one expects you to be able to do everything all at once, ojisan."

"It's not all that dusty," Kurogane pointed out. "It's only been a few days."

"Just let me do something nice for you. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be, and you shouldn't have to extend yourself for as long as we're here."

"Better just give in," Yasha advised. "Yuuko-san's already told us that you haven't been eating and sleeping properly for months, so you're going to have to let us take care of you until you build up your strength."

"It's not because we're trying to baby you," Ashura cut in when Kurogane snorted in protest. "It's our way of saying 'thank you.' Yuuko-san also told us that the doctor didn't think Fai-ojisan would be able to go on for as long as he did, and that it was because you did so much for him that he was able to hold on. You've exhausted yourself enough. Now it's time for us to give back to you."

Another rap came on the side of the house, and Ashura-san and Taishakuten stepped in, each carrying an additional bottle of sake. "We figured if Yuuko-san was coming, you'd need more than just one bottle," Ashura said. "Please accept these, Kurogane-kun."

"Yeah, yeah. And don't you two try to clean up or anything. Just take a seat and don't exert yourself."

"Just because we're older than you doesn't mean we're going to keel over this second," Taishakuten said, digging through the shelves with Ashura for bowls and plates to set up on the table. "You're the one who needs to sit down, kid."

"He's right, you know," Ashura added. "Fai would never forgive us if we intruded on your grief and then made you do all the work on top of it."

"Actually, he might think it was funny," Ashura-chan corrected him. "He always said it was so cute whenever Kurogane-ojisan did domestic things."

"Oi," Kurogane objected, but another knock on the house interrupted him. This time Doumeki and Watanuki came through the door, Doumeki armed with two bottles of sake and Watanuki struggling to carry his bento boxes and ingredients.

"Please accept," Doumeki said, handing Kurogane the drinks. "Watanuki, start cooking."

"I was going to even if you didn't tell me to, idiot," Watanuki snapped. "Kurogane-san, I'll take over making food for everyone, so just sit back. Doumeki, don't just stand there! Help out with something."

"I'll help out with the eating," he said, but nonetheless gave Watanuki a hand piling logs on the hearth and lighting the fire.

"You guys.. you're being annoying," Kurogane grumbled. They shrugged innocently, and Yasha pulled up a chair and gently nudged Kurogane into it.

"You're the one being annoying," Yuuko announced, waddling into the room as she tried to hold on to her armful of sake bottles. "You could have at least left the window open."

"No one other than you would use the window. And it's too cold for that right now."

"So let's warm up!" Yuuko dropped her bottles on the table beside the others. "Now this is nice. I wasn't expecting there to be so many."

"At this rate, there's going to be more alcohol than food," Watanuki pointed out. "I could go back and get more ingredients, but..."

"Not necessary. This feast is in honor of Fai, and if he was here, we all know what he'd do. Right, Kurogane?"

Kurogane sighed. "He'd get drunk," he said. "And act like an idiot all night."

"And doesn't that sound like something good right about now?"

Ashura, Taishakuten, Yasha, Ashura-chan, and Doumeki gathered around the table, pouring out cups of sake to go around. Kurogane took a long sip from his, enjoying the sharp bite of the alcohol and the way it burned his throat. His first kiss with Fai had tasted like this, as had the one he'd given the moment after they had been married and sealed the union between them. It surprised him somewhat how painless it was to remember. It was not the past that troubled him, after all. Nothing could take away from the happiness he remembered, or flaw the memories he treasured most.

It was quiet for a time as they each sipped their drinks and Watanuki put together their meal. Even Yuuko was silent, trailing her finger in loops around the rim of her cup and gazing back and forth between all the people assembled in front of her.

"I've been wondering something," Ashura said suddenly, directing his eyes towards Yuuko. "You seem to know quite a bit about the future, Yuuko-san. That's part of the reason Clow-san brought you here."

"I know only what I am able to see in dreams, and only what the direction of people's actions show me," she replied. "And Clow didn't bring me here. I came here of my own will, and even if he had asked me, that would not have been the reason."

"In any case, you must know. Is there only one?"

"One?"

"One future."

Yuuko tilted her head. "What do you think the answer to that question is, Ashura-san?"

"I wonder. I did not live in this village before Fai and Yui arrived here with their mother. She did not even ask me to come join her, since I was from her husband's family, and not her own. It was because I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen to her children that I moved to be beside them. And when she passed away so soon, I was certain I had made the right decision."

"And do you think now that you were wrong?"

"I cannot help but think so, sometimes. In choosing to leave behind my village, I also chose to leave behind the people in it." His eyes strayed to Taishakuten. "I chose to give Fai and Yui the future I thought they needed, one with a mother who would stand in the place of the one they had lost, and a family where they would not have to be alone. But this choice only set in motion the events in which Yui would be lost... perhaps the ill fortune I perceived was because I made that choice in an attempt to change the future."

"It was inevitable that you would make that choice, given who you are," Yuuko said. "Perhaps that is why many believe the future is one. The person you are is exposed to any number of choices, but your soul is bound to respond in certain ways in accordance with its nature and desires. But think for a moment of the future you did not choose. Do you truly believe it would have kept those boys perfectly from ill fortune? Their mother still would have died, and instead of remaining in this village, they would have been moved to yours. It is likely that Fai would have lost contact with Kurogane, and would have never been blessed with all the happiness knowing that person gave him at that time in his life. And it is also likely that you would have still seen virtue in providing those boys with a mother. You would have married Shashi all the same, brought life to your child, and Yui would have still been brought under Shashi's influence. The survival of Yui and yourself and the child would have been variable given the brokenness of Shashi's mental state, but had something happened to Yui, I doubt anyone would have been able to keep Fai from killing himself without Kurogane in the picture."

Yuuko took a long gulp from her drink and then slammed it down. "In a way, there may only be one future," she continued. "Our souls are bound to certain people and certain desires, and even if we are thrown into a situation time and time again, it is likely we will repeatedly make the same choices that feel right to us. But this 'one future' hinges on each individual person behaving at all times in the way that is expected of them, never veering from their single path or for a single moment hesitating at a key moment. Perhaps this is the case, but I would be surprised if every soul in existence would be willing to be bound in such a way, given what I know of souls. The wish of a human heart is a very powerful thing, more powerful than even the path of the future."

The group fell silent again after she had spoken. Watanuki quietly filled their plates with food, and they each continued to eat and drink, dwelling on their own private thoughts.

"Oi," Kurogane said finally. "No matter how often you think of going back and changing things, it doesn't matter. He had the life he wanted. In spite of everything, he was happy."

"I never thought when I first saw him that a person devoid of all happiness could ever smile again," Yasha said. "But when I saw him next, it was as if he had transformed completely. We should not regret the path the world took, if he was able to reach that point."

Ashura-chan nodded. "And ojisan was always the most beautiful when he was smiling. Even when things got difficult, because Kurogane-ojisan was at his side, he was never as sad as he could have been. He would have never wanted us to regret the decisions we made because of him."

"He would have been happy enough just to have us all here together," Doumeki said.

"And even happier that Kurogane-san is here and able to remember him happily," Watanuki concluded.

"Speaking as someone who also considered Fai to be a precious friend, that is what matters at this very moment over everything else," Yuuko said with a smile. She refilled her glass and lifted it up, gesturing for a toast. "To Fai. To the beautiful person we remember in the past, the person who lingers in our hearts in the present, and the person who will watch over us as we build a future that he can be proud of. Kampai!"

They clinked their glasses together and drank deeply, each thinking to themselves of the smile that had graced their lives, a smile that had been lost too soon but still shone with all its life and radiance in a place deep within their hearts.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

An hour later and the feast had descended into madness. Watanuki, as always, was the first to be affected by the liquor, and began to berate both Doumeki and Yuuko about all the cooking they had made him do in his lifetime and that they should all be bowing down to him and calling him "Watanuki-sama." He was then shortly joined by Ashura-chan, who decided the only way to calm Watanuki down was to explain all the reasons why he was blessed to find such an honorable calling as a housewife. This somehow led to Yuuko and Taishakuten exchanging dirty jokes which Ashura-san listened to with a wide-eyed solemnity. Doumeki remained fairly calm, but every once in awhile muttered something under his breath about aprons.

Kurogane was just as drunk as the rest of them, but was somehow able to stay afloat, watching the scenes unfolding before him distantly, as if through a mirror. He knew Fai would love such a show, and would have gladly participated in it himself, purring like a cat or coiling himself into Kurogane's arms even with everyone there watching them. But more than anything, he would have been so happy to see, as Doumeki had mentioned, his family and friends together, healing each other's pain without having to do it alone.

Kurogane turned his head and looked back at the drawing of Fai still resting on the family shrine. Perhaps that was not the only gift he had left behind when he'd passed; perhaps what he'd truly left behind were a group of people who had been touched and brought together because of him, a family that had not been lost simply because he was gone. Kurogane smiled to himself. It was so like him. Fai hadn't been alone when he had nearly lost everything, and there was no way he would ever want Kurogane to be.

In a few more hours, everything quieted down. Watanuki fell asleep with his face buried in Doumeki's robes, and Ashura-chan and Yasha's long, dark hair pooled together where they had both dozed off on the floor. Ashura-san and Taishakuten were at least covered by a blanket they had dug up, but even they had fallen asleep rather haphazardly for two people their age. Only Yuuko hadn't curled up on the floor to rest. She'd simply taken her sake outside and sat staring at the sky, raising her glass up towards the quarter moon, oblivious to even the bite of the cold wind and slowly falling rain.

Kurogane stumbled into the room he had shared with Fai, staring at the bed that they had slept in every night together, even back in the days when they had been unable to confess their love. It felt strange to slide into it alone, with no hands there to reach out and tangle against his body, no eager lips to seek out his skin and tease him into abandoning all thoughts of sleep. Even though he couldn't have these simple pleasures anymore, there was meaning in the fact that he had had them once, whether it was because of an inevitable future, an outcome of actions taken, or simply because his soul was inherently drawn to Fai's for some great purpose or another. He'd spent so much of his life longing for the one memory he'd forgotten, the very instant it had all started, but what mattered most were all of the thousand of moments he had gotten to keep, imprinted on every inch of the house, from the frame of their bed to the floors where the people Fai had loved were now resting. He remembered everything that had happened, from the early days when Fai had been the only one so desperately in love, to the time when he had been the one chasing after Fai, deliberately avoided until the wall between them had crumbled. _I'm not alone either. That doesn't change so easily._

As his eyes gradually closed, overcome by the need to sleep, Kurogane extended his hand and reached out to the place beside him in bed, drawing it closer and pressing it to his beating heart.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

In the morning, everyone woke up with a hangover and found that their resolve to be as useful as possible to Kurogane suddenly wavering. Watanuki got saddled with cleanup duty while Doumeki left to tend to his duties at the shrine, and Taishakuten and Ashura-san returned to Yuuko's to get some proper rest. Yuuko herself had left earlier in the morning, ordering Yasha and Ashura-chan to go ahead of her and purchase a special hangover remedy from the doctor.

As soon as the house was emptied out, Kurogane pulled a cushion from one of the chairs and set it down in front of the family shrine. Over night, Fai's portrait had been placed in an iron frame patterned like butterfly wings and moved to the forefront of the shrine. Kurogane knelt down on the cushion and clapped his hands together, bowing his head.

"Hey," he said quietly. "You can hear this, right? You're not going anywhere without me." He reached out his hand and gingerly touched Fai's drawn face, a wavering smile settling on his lips. "You're still here."

He closed his eyes, feeling a core of warmth diffusing within him in spite of the coldness in the room and the numbness still as of yet straying a little too close to his heart. He couldn't quite call himself happy, but he could also no longer feel himself helpless. There was still life to be lived and still a future to be written. When everything was said and done, there was no doubt in his mind that they would be together once again.

"I promised you forever," he said once he'd opened his eyes again. "I'll give it to you. I'll take you there."

The image of Fai remained smiling radiantly to his love, extending two arms forward, reaching out to bring him to the next steps, to forever, to the future.

0o0o0o0o0o0o


	19. Infinitely Cruel, Infinitely Kind

**A/N: **Hey, everyone! Looks like I'll be posting a day early, since I'll be going on an unexpected road trip to Niagra Falls tomorrow during my regular posting time. I figured you guys wouldn't mind! As I said, I have a little bit of a treat for you guys following this epilogue, but since I want you to read it first, I'll clue you in at the end of this chapter.

This chapter takes place near the end of Kurogane's conversation with the Fai of TRC/One Soul, which can be found in Chapter 4 of One Soul. In short, Fai is being a post-Tokyo angst-muffin, and Kurogane is having none of it. And for those of who you asked, Kurogane is about 49 years-old, which puts Yuuko at about 64. Both would be considered pretty dang old for living in a time with only basic medicine available.

Enjoy, and thanks for reviewing!

0o0o0o0o0o

**Epilogue: Infinitely Cruel, Infinitely Kind**

_**Ten years later**_

"You know," Fai said, his voice breaking at the sound of his mouth saying the words he had so long locked inside of himself. "Towards you, I-"

Kurogane stared into Fai's good eye, holding his breath. It was the blue he remembered, the blue of a sky on a sunny day, the blue of a robin's egg. If he forgot everything having to do with his better judgment and chose to be as selfish as he had been before falling in love with Fai, he could almost pretend that the person standing in front of him was the Fai of his memories, the young man who had confessed to him so earnestly under the sakura trees, while still extending only half of his heart. _It can't be just a joke anymore. _He shook his head. The words he was on the verge of hearing weren't meant for him. He had received this promise of love already, both before it was ready to be given and when he had most needed to hear it returned. The person these words belonged to was someone else, another man that bore his soul, but a separate person who had a history with this Fai that Kurogane knew next to nothing about.

He lifted up his hand. "I know," he said, cutting Fai short. "I always did." He thought of the young Fai clinging to him, insisting they were soulmates, planning a wedding that was not so near as lovely as the one they had shared in reality. He had denied Fai in the beginning, but a part of him had known that Fai's feelings, as incomplete as they were back then, were as sincere as they were capable of being. "But if you don't trust in it, it doesn't do you or me any good. So get your head on straight and figure out what it is you want before you end up losing your only chance to have it."

Fai stared back at him defiantly for a moment. _You don't understand, _he seemed to say. _You don't have a single clue_. And in a way, Kurogane didn't. He perfectly knew his Fai, his second soul, but this person had suffered pain outside of his knowledge, outside of his control. But still, they were so similar. They had both lost something precious to them. They both struggled to forgive themselves, to overcome the doubt with which they faced the future. That much Kurogane did understand. But everything else he did not know, he was certain the person who loved this Fai knew or would soon learn. Fai seemed to have shut himself away from anyone who dared to approach him too closely, but the fractured nature of his heart meant there were cracks for someone who loved and wanted to protect him truly to slip through.

"Go back," Kurogane said once again. As much as that blue eye held him, he knew this was not his soul to keep.

He watched Fai's back as he ambled down the path in that particular way of his, slouched and careless as if he was taking a simple afternoon stroll, but yet still visibly wrapped up in his internal tempest as his head bent towards the path, glaring at it for its unchangeable nature and singular destination. Kurogane wanted to yell after him that once it reached the city, it supposedly branched off into many different directions and opened up into the rest of the world, but knowing that small piece of information would hardly change anything. As hard as it was to watch someone who looked nearly equal to the person he loved walking away from him, he was the one who had shown him the door.

He would repeat it over and over again to his heart, until it could remember to be strong again. This Fai was not his. As much as they looked like each other, the Fai who had grown up beside him and died in his arms could not return. _There is one wish that cannot be granted..._

Kurogane turned away from the door and sank down into the cushion he left permanently in front of the family shrine. The stick of incense still burned in front of Fai's portrait, reminding him that even though his afternoon had been interrupted, the day itself had not escaped him. It was still what he had been dreading, the ten year anniversary of Fai's death. The unavoidable revelation that their souls existed elsewhere- seemingly endless elsewheres, if the manifestation of Fai was to be believed- could only soothe the wound so much.

"So that was what the witch meant all this time," Kurogane muttered. "With all her vague rambling about the souls and other worlds. Could have just said so clearly."

_Would you have listened to her, though? _

Kurogane snorted in disdain. The voice of reason in his head was starting to sound a little too much like Fai for his liking. When had Fai ever been reasonable enough to earn the honor of preaching to him in his head, he wondered?

He was right, though. If Yuuko had told him that someone who looked and acted just like Fai was toying with his heart on a multi-dimensional scale, he would have told her to lay off the alcohol. It took Fai's presence and voice for him to believe it, because it had been the fact of Fai standing in front of him that had made him care enough to listen. He wasn't so much interested in how things would turn out between Fai and himself in other worlds- he had enough faith in his soul not to concern himself too much- but more in the fact that he could at last get a grasp on the concept of what a soul's journey entailed. This was what he was waiting and wishing for year after year, for both Fai and himself.

He glanced back at the portrait, his lips at last tilting upwards in a half-smile. He wasn't the only one waiting. That was certain, now.

"I should go back to the fields," he said to Fai, although he made no move to stand up. The witch had given him permission to take the day off, so there was really no reason to return. He was nearly resolved to retire in the first place. He had enough money to last him the rest of his life, he was sure, and the farming itself was no longer what he wanted. It had been meaningful back when he had supported Fai through his work, but now he was more interested in the medical records Doumeki brought back from his annual visit to the capital which discussed new theories on how the brain worked. He had trouble making sense of most of it, but the uncertainty of the knowledge was what made him reread them over and over again whenever he had a moment. An answer rested in there somewhere, buried beneath the foreign ideas that had yet to be fleshed out.

But even that could not motivate him to move today. His mind kept turning back and forth between the Fai who had invaded his life that morning to the one he had known all of his life, a sadness still fresh in his heart even though ten years had passed. _All I do is cause you pain. It would be better for you if our paths had never crossed. _What did that idiot know about anything? Fai had given him plenty of pain in his lifetime, from their meeting right up until their parting, but all of it Kurogane had loved so much that its absence formed an even greater hole in his heart. Surely it was the same for every piece of his soul that existed. The pain was not always such a bad thing; in many ways, it was the most precious thing he had left.

With a sigh, Kurogane rose to his feet, pulling off his work clothes and replacing them with his black formal wear. Other than his work clothes, it was the only thing he owned that Fai hadn't made. It felt a bit odd to have to pull it out once a year, but he preferred not having to wear one of Fai's creations in mourning. They had all been made with such joy, given as gifts year by year with Fai smiling eagerly while Kurogane put each piece on and then pulling them off with an even bigger smile. The mourning clothes were meant only to be worn in sorrow, and then promptly stowed so he would not dwell on it.

After he was dressed, he pulled out a bottle of sake and poured it into the small bucket he used at the well. As tempted as he was to drink some himself, he resisted the thought. There would be plenty more of that later courtesy of the witch, and this was the bottle he had bought solely for Fai.

Taking up the bucket and ladle, Kurogane left the house and began walking down the path. Most of the workers had already turned in, but the few that remained pulled off their hats and bowed when they saw him. They were probably curious about the Fai that had shown up that afternoon right in front of them, but he decided he wouldn't tell them anything about it. He would retire, after all, and happily keep this secret of his to himself.

He was the first to arrive at the grave. Fai's ashes rested beside Yui's, marked by a narrow granite slab inscribed with his name. Kurogane knelt before it, using the ladle to pour sake down its front and wash it clean. Setting the bucket aside, he clapped his hands together and closed his eyes.

"Everything I have to say..." he murmured, trailing off. "You'll be there to hear it with me. I'll find you again. Time and time again. As long as it takes."

A small hand touched his shoulder, and a moment later both Ashura and Yasha were kneeling with him beside the grave. They were well past being children at this point, but Kurogane couldn't help but see them that way. Like the elder Ashura once had, Ashura-chan looked perennially young, fresh faced, and lovely. Fortune had treated the pair well in the past years. Shashi's family had only been able to bear a new crop of daughters, so the estate passed down by rights to Ashura-chan's hands since the family had never been able to get Ashura-san to clarify the issue of gender, giving them a home and living more substantial than they had ever thought of having. Even though Ashura-san and Taishakuten had both passed away only a few years following Fai, the two were able to build a new life together as the principal land owners in the village. They still came to visit regularly, claiming that they were concerned about Kurogane's frequent lapses in buying enough food to cook for himself.

Watanuki and Doumeki were the next to arrive. Like Kurogane, they were beginning to show their age in the lines of their faces, but both were still as healthy as ever. Watanuki in particular was continuing to mellow out as he grew older, and it took quite a bit more effort on Doumeki's part to get him annoyed enough to engage in one of his shrieking fits. Luckily, Doumeki was still as willing as ever to take that effort in order to keep things lively every now and then.

They sat there quietly for a long time, sending their prayers to Fai, and even the many others that surrounded him: Yui, Clow, Haruka, and the parents they had lost so long ago. Watanuki had brought flowers with him, and arranged them neatly in front of the headstone.

"How have you been, ojisan?" Ashura asked at length. "Have you been eating?"

"Fine, fine," Kurogane said brusquely. "I'm going to stop working in the fields. And I don't need a kid worrying about me."

Ashura smiled in relief. Clearly his continued days of physical labor were getting to be a concern. Kurogane wanted to remind Ashura that he was still strong enough to take out everyone assembled, with the possible exception of Yasha, but he decided it didn't matter. Ashura had the best of intentions, and Kurogane had to grudgingly admit that if Fai was still alive, he'd be worrying about the exact same things.

Doumeki helped Watanuki to his feet. "We'll head back and give you some more time alone. If you need anything, come to the shrine and ask us."

"Us, too, ojisan," Ashura said. "I know it's been ten years, but still..."

"Yeah."

It was quiet in the small graveyard once they'd left, but Kurogane was perceptive enough to notice he was not alone. He turned his head. Yuuko was seated a few rows behind him, threading flowers around Clow's grave.

"Were you courteous to your visitor this morning?" she asked, studying him with her unreadable eyes. Her black hair had turned a bright white over the years, but other than a few wrinkles here and there, she looked rather spry for an old woman. Her skin, at the very least, had fared better than Kurogane's, which had gotten a bit leathery from all his years of labor.

"You knew?"

"I was told, yes. The one who sent them on their journey was concerned about the effect it might have on you."

Kurogane snorted. "I'm used to dealing with that guy. It was just unexpected, that's all."

"I have told you for years, you know. The soul within you is not the only piece that exists." She shook her head. "How was he? I imagine he was similar in mannerisms to the person you knew, but yet different in small ways."

"He was gloomy," Kurogane answered. "It runs in the family."

Yuuko laughed lightly. "And I'm sure the Kurogane-kun at his side battles with that part of him regularly."

"Yeah. Although things didn't seem to be going too well."

"I supposed so. That person is wrapped up in something big, something that will influence every world that exists, even ours. As a player in so large a game, it is only natural for his heart to be tangled and wrested out of what he perceives to be his control."

"Nothing bad is going to happen, is it?"

Yuuko closed her eyes. "The outcome to this, as with anything, will be neither bad nor good. There will be both joy and pain from it, and happiness and suffering. But any further, I do not know. I will not be here to see the end of that dream."

Kurogane tilted his head. He couldn't be sure if Yuuko was speaking of going somewhere else, or if she was aware that she would not live for much longer. She was one of the oldest people still living in the village, but Kurogane had thought she might somehow live forever. She seemed like the kind of person who came and went as she pleased, overseeing everything with the distant amusement of a deity, ageless and eternal.

"All things that live must die," Yuuko said, as if she could read Kurogane's thoughts. "And I, too, have someone who is waiting for me."

She placed a hand on Clow's gravestone and smiled sadly. They had waited many times over the ten years Kurogane had gone without Fai, and Kurogane for the first time marveled at the strength of will with which she had lived. Perhaps she knew that being there to watch over everything that had followed was what Clow would have wanted, and she, like Kurogane, had followed the path of a wish that would make the two of them happy, in spite of the distance that separated them.

"Clow told me something once, not long before he died," Yuuko said, at last rising to her feet to join Kurogane at Fai's grave. "Like me, he had knowledge of the other worlds that exist outside of ours. There was a man who shared his soul that had a magnificent power, a power beyond anything I have known in any world where my soul has existed, and because of this lineage, he was blessed with the power to travel through dreams. He could not read the future, but he could often see what others saw, and communicate with those who knew." She sat down beside Kurogane. "It made him so happy to think of these millions of souls, existing independently but yet so deeply connected to one another by fate. 'Our universe is one where we are given infinite chances to find happiness, and where we fail in one, we may succeed in the other,' he said. 'Time and time again, we live to seek out our fate, both reaching and missing, knowing both bliss and pain. And always our souls are called to find the person who completes them, even though obtaining full happiness with that person is never a certainty no matter where we go. That makes this world either infinitely cruel or infinitely kind, doesn't it?'"

"And what did you say?"

"My answer was already given to the person who needed to hear it. What do _you _say, Kurogane-kun?" She traced the characters of Fai's name with the tip of her fingers. "What answer would you give, having lived your life with him, and seen the traces of another life which belongs to your soul?"

Kurogane's mind raced through everything he remembered, every memory he held precious from the beginning. He thought of Fai's concurrent joy and moodiness during their childhood, the absent contentedness of Yui, the flood that had slammed against them as they waited in the tree, the pain of reawakening, the beautiful figure who had crossed through the fields and ensnared the eyes of everyone, the slick body curling up in the bath, the way it felt to make love to Fai, the way they woke up every morning in each other's arms, the smiles, the laughter, the presence that had invaded and stolen the most precious thing away, the eyes that had looked at him one last time before closing, beholding either his face or blackness. He thought also of the person he had met, scowling and angry at the world, but still deeply in pain at a loss he felt clawing inside of his heart and a love he had no confidence to confront or accept. That was a story that had not yet ended, and in many ways was only just beginning. But because of what had happened that afternoon, it had become a part of his story, too.

_ There is significance to every meeting we have. And every parting, too. Significance behind every word and every gesture, and in the ways we say hello and goodbye. It may not always be clear what that significance is, but that does not mean these moments are meaningless. You will understand that one day. Sometimes it will hurt just as much to gain something as it will be to lose something. But it is important to remember that these things __**must happen**__._

Kurogane lifted his head to the sky, smiling at a place beyond where his sight could reach. He had always known the answer. From now to the very beginning, no matter where he was or which body enclosed his soul, he was certain he had always known.

0o0o0o0o0o

**A/N: **And so our story ends... or that's what I would say, but I'm sure you guys know that I wouldn't finish off this story without providing a final tie-in for our TRC/One Soul KuroFai. However, that isn't the whole story of the treat I promised. As with most multi-chapter stories I write, I tend to write bonus stories for my own benefit about the back stories of the side characters, so that I have the information and characterization I need to write them into the story. My proofreader happened to get ahold of them this time around, and told me that if I didn't post them for you guys to read, she would send me to the isle of perpetual tickling. Since I hate being tickled, I will be posting my three bonus stories before tying up this story for good.

So what's up next? The 3 stories include backgrounds on Ashura/Taishakuten, Yuuko/Clow, and Doumeki/Watanuki, and then the final piece will be on TRC/One Soul KuroFai. Since the main story is most of the way over, I'll post at a bit of a faster rate for you guys. Thank you so much for reading, everyone! I've really enjoyed sharing this with you and hearing what you have to say!


	20. Bonus Story: Outcomes

**A/N: **All right, time for the first of our bonus stories! This one will dive into the relationship of Ashura the elder and Taishakuten, our RG Veda crossover characters. As I mentioned earlier, Taishakuten spends most of RG Veda being a jerk, but I've always loved the few romantic glimpses of this couple available in the series, and I love the doujinshi CLAMP wrote placing them in the CLAMP School-verse. I really enjoyed writing this, so I hope you enjoy!

**Rating: **Been missing the M rating? It's back!

**Timeline: **Before the events of Chapter One, extending to Chapter Seven (aftermath of the flood).

0o0o0o0o0o0

**Outcomes**

Taishakuten was bored. He always was. He was certain he had been born into the most boring village in the world. The rice fields were boring, the small stall in the marketplace his family ran was boring, and all the men and women everyone else delighted in gossiping about were boring. The landowner and his house full of seven daughters were particularly boring; all they ever thought about was creating heirs, and since they were incapable of actually doing it, they spent their lives projecting into the future, imagining the household full of squealing baby boys that eluded them. He wanted to scream at them that _nothing would ever change. _Even the people who moved to the village from elsewhere became like everyone else: blank minded, bland, and painfully ordinary.

Taishakuten slumped forward in the booth where he was supposed to be arranging the bowls and cups so that anyone passing by could see their quality and hand painted details. It was pointless. The next customers would just pick them up, paw at them, and put them back down in whichever direction they pleased. Being showy was wasted on these people, but that didn't stop his mother from begging him to make an effort whenever he helped her manage the stall.

"How dull," he muttered under his breath. He lifted his eyes to watch the women strolling to and from the stalls, and a few of the younger ones started giggling when he caught their eyes. He scowled at them and looked away. The only thing on their minds was marriage and a family, and he had no desire to reproduce with such common people and fill the village with even more commonness.

"If you were planning on being so useless, you should have just stayed at home," his mother snapped, swatting him with a dust cloth. "At least smile at the customers and reel us in some pretty woman who wants to spend money in front of you."

Taishakuten grumbled, but softened his glare just a little. He liked his mother more than most other people. She had a sharp tongue on her, and wasn't afraid to tell him exactly how much he grated on her nerves.

A middle aged woman paused at their stall, admiring a sake cup that had caught her attention. Since Taishakuten wasn't giving any indication of starting a conversation, his mother quickly stepped in. "How are you today, Aoki-san?"

"Very well." The woman leaned forward and lowered her voice. "Have you heard what everyone's talking about? A young man from the capital is moving into the village this afternoon. Rumor has it that he's the son of a military commander. The eldest son, I believe."

"Why on earth would someone like that come here?" Taishakuten asked. "Is his secret ambition to be a rice farmer?"

Aoki-san smiled politely at him, doing her best to ignore his needlessly blunt tone. "It's my understanding that he's more for studying than war. Our poor landowner may have more on his mind right now, but when he was younger, he had a passion for collecting ancient texts. All of them still remain in their house, to my knowledge."

"How dull," Taishakuten grumbled. Surely the only thing worse than being a farmer or merchant was to be a scholar. Why couldn't the lucky little twit just have gone into the military like his father, since it was the one place where things actually happened?

"In any case, the boy should be arriving with a merchant from the capital," Aoki-san continued. "If you were planning to go to trade or restock, that would be a good time to catch a glimpse of him."

"The poor thing is a child, not an exotic pet," Taishakuten's mother scolded. But as soon as Aoki-san purchased the cup and moved on, she knelt down in front of her son with a smile on her face. "All right, Boredom-kun," she said. "You want something to do? Go meet that merchant and see if he has a piece like what we're missing in the ceremonial tea set your father got a hold of a few weeks ago."

"I don't care about seeing some boring bookworm," Taishakuten said.

"I don't care either. All I care about is getting you out of my hair for an hour so you can stop scaring off our paying customers with those cold eyes of yours." She grabbed his cheeks and gave them a hearty pinch. "Get on with you, now."

The village outside of the marketplace during the work week was the dullest thing about it. All of the men were in the fields, worrying about things like irrigation, harvest, and droughts, leaving the streets empty of everyone but the occasional wife or daughter heading to and from the market. Taishakuten could respect their constant chattering about it- the survival of the village depended on their success, after all- but he had heard it all so many times that it had become yet another thing he had lost interest in.

A small crowd had gathered nearby near the sprawling house where the landowner lived with his seven daughters, the place where the road intersected with the route leading to the capital. The merchant and illustrious new visitor hadn't arrived yet, evidently. Taishakuten yawned and lazily climbed up the tree overlooking the road. Maybe he could take a nap while he waited.

The very moment he shut his eyes, a shrill voice shrieked, "There they are!" He cracked open one eye. A large cart was being wheeled down the road by a capital merchant, and walking alongside him was a raven haired young man wearing the kind of fancy robes the people in this part of the country could only dream of owning.

The fancy boy pulled off his sun hat, and all of a sudden Taishakuten could understand why the young woman had been so excited to see him. For an alleged scholar, he was actually quite strong in appearance. He had broad shoulders and muscled arms, and both his chin and ears were slightly pointed. His hair was by far his best feature with its long and dark silkiness, falling past his shoulders and pooling like ink. Taishakuten also liked his face, which was more cold and unsmiling than he had imagined it would be.

The landowner broke through the crowd to stand before the young visitor, who promptly bowed in respect. "Ashura-kun, I take it?" he said, smiling widely. Taishakuten could clearly see the gears turning in his head: this kid, even though he had abandoned his birthright, would make the perfect suitor for one of his daughters.

Taishakuten scowled. What a waste that would be! Whoever this kid was, he was far from the ordinary throngs who never shut up about their petty concerns and held the intrigues of leaders and warriors they had never met as their dearest treasures. He was the very picture of cool detachment, much like Taishakuten himself, and it was a bit painful to imagine what living with one of the landowner's brow beaten and determinedly motherly daughters would do to him.

But what would suit him? Taishakuten tilted his head, trying to study him without revealing his position in the tree. This Ashura, if he managed not to get swept up in the pettiness of the village, had the potential of being quite interesting. Taishakuten liked discontent people on principle, because a part of them did not accept the dull and pointless way things were. Ashura's looks were another thing that worked in his favor. He was beautiful without being showy, and gave off the air of someone who could be looked at but not approached, which made Taishakuten all the more hungry to rise to the challenge.

The landowner gestured Ashura forward to come inside the big house, but Ashura said something in a voice almost too quiet to hear about paying his debt to the merchant who had escorted him. The landowner indicated he would come to fetch him again in a few moments and scurried off, presumably to dig up one of his many daughters.

Taishakuten swung down from the tree, landing only a few steps away from Ashura. The crowd backed away, as always treating his chronic boredom and penchant for stirring up trouble like an infectious disease they were in danger of catching.

Ashura regarded him without a single change in his gloomy expression. Taishakuten wondered if it was exhausting for him to be so serious all the time, or if it simply came naturally to him.

"Hello," Ashura said. His voice, now that Taishakuten could at last hear it properly, was formal and dignified, like the rest of him.

"Ashura-kun, huh?" He circled him like a vulture, studying him from every angle. In spite of his strength, Ashura's back and chest were quite slim. Without asking for permission, Taishakuten lifted one of Ashura's arms to test its firmness, and then drew up a few strands of his dark hair to his nose, breathing it in. The hair was just as silky as he thought it would be, and smelled like lavender.

"Well?" Ashura asked expectantly, as if he was awaiting the results of Taishakuten's analysis.

"You'll do."

"For what?"

Taishakuten considered this. At seventeen, he was well past the age of needing a playmate, and he didn't have much of an interest in making friends since he wasn't concerned with gossiping about the village girls or all the joys of tending to the land. The only aspects of adult life that enthralled him were arguing and love making, and Ashura looked as if he had the potential to be adept with both.

"For sex," Taishakuten said, testing the waters. To either directly accept or reject would be the common response, and he wanted to see what Ashura would do.

"Do you run a brothel?" Ashura asked, his eyes perfectly serious.

"No."

"Then you're asking for yourself?"

"Yes."

"And do you want sex just the once, or multiple times?"

Taishakuten grinned. This guy was teasing him quite delightfully, but with such complete earnestness that it could hardly be called teasing. "Multiple times, preferably."

"Hmm. Well, to be honest, I didn't really come here for that." He turned away abruptly, handing over a small bag full of coins to the merchant. The conversation almost seemed to be concluded on his side, but he turned his head to look over his shoulder, his sharp eyes skirting over Taishakuten's features.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Taishakuten."

"Tai-kun, then. I wonder what the consequence would be if I slept with you."

Taishakuten was taken aback for a moment. "The hell if I know. It might hurt a bit."

"Of course. But what would it change in the future? Would it end up effecting us both in some particular way later on?" Ashura seemed to consider this in the privacy of his head for a moment. "I'll have to think about it."

Taishakuten shook his head in amazement. What was with this guy? Did he take everything that was said to him so seriously, or was it all an elaborate ruse to punish Taishakuten for being so forward to him?

"Ah, he's back," Ashura said. The landowner had returned, unsurprisingly with his elder daughter Shashi at his side. Shashi was still in her miko robes and had an expression on her face as if she had just eaten a sour grape.

"I work in the marketplace every morning," Taishakuten informed Ashura. "If you ever want to play, come find me."

"I'll think about it," Ashura repeated. The landowner and Shashi were approaching them, but Taishakuten could still feel Ashura's eyes following him as he headed back to his mother, seeing him in a way that was very far from boring.

0o0o0o0o0o0

To his surprise, Ashura showed up at the market the very next day. He didn't walk up to Taishakuten's stall at first, but milled around a bit, buying an ink stone and calligraphy pens and answering the insipid questions of the villagers who approached him.

"New kid?" his father grunted, wiping down one of the rice bowls a customer had just finished handling. "The one staying in the big house?"

"He's quite pretty," his mother noted. "And quite... focused. Or perhaps solemn?"

"Gloomy," Taishakuten corrected. "And touched in the head."

"So you like him, no doubt."

"No doubt."

A few minutes later, Ashura appeared in front of their stall, his lips pressed into the same tight line they had been the day before. "Tai-kun," he said. "I asked my hosts about you after we talked yesterday."

"Oh, great," Taishakuten said drily. "I bet they had wonderful things to say."

"Yes. They said you were an inconsiderate whelp, and that they had considered marrying you to Shashi-san before you went and called her a-"

His mother started laughing. "Oh, no need to say that one in polite company. It was a lot meaner than 'inconsiderate whelp'."

Taishakuten shrugged. Shashi had been decent when she was younger, but adulthood had ruined her. Her disinterest in marriage paired with her father's fanatical verve to pair her off and have her give birth to a son had left her with a sour constitution and prickly attitude that far outstripped Taishakuten's.

To his added surprise, Ashura's face melted into the warmest smile he thought he'd ever seen. "I liked the stories they told me about you," he said earnestly. "They were very funny. Your bluntness is refreshing."

Taishakuten pressed a hand over his heart, which was suddenly beating loudly. _What the hell is wrong with this guy, _he asked himself yet again, but there was nothing wrong with him other than the fact that he was perfect. Solemn, pensive, gloomy, and touched in the head, but all of that was just as beautiful as the smile he wore on his face.

Without thinking about it any further, he leaned forward and kissed Ashura's upturned lips. For having spent so often drawn into a closed line, they felt soft beneath his, and alluringly yielding. _Oh yes, _he thought. _You'll do. You'll do perfectly, you and no one else._

His parents grabbed him by the shoulders and yanked him back. "Sorry about that, Ashura-kun," his mother said with a forced smile. "He has no sense of occasion."

"Oh, no," Ashura murmured, pressing his hands to his lips. "That was fine. But I wonder... I wonder what this will change?"

All three of them stared at him blankly as he wandered back in the direction of the big house, lost in thought. "Wait," Taishakuten's mother muttered to herself. "What was that?"

Taishakuten shook his head and smiled. He hoped it changed plenty of things. He wanted to see that smile again, to taste it with his own. Finally, for the very first time, his life seemed to have a purpose other than being a source of infinite dullness. A very beautiful, solemn purpose.

0o0o0o0o0o

After that, every time Taishakuten finished up his work in the market, he stopped by the big house to visit Ashura. Shashi and her father were less than thrilled, but still seemed willing to make allowances for their guest from the capital. According to the village rumor mill, Ashura was not only an eldest son, but the eldest of five. And when it came to families with sons, the landowner always made allowances.

As Ashura read his books and scribbled down notes that Taishakuten wasn't literate enough to understand, he would engage in long, and often one-sided, conversations with Taishakuten. He seemed to have an odd fixation with the future and how much of it was written in stone. With everything he did, he confessed, he wondered if it would greatly change his fate, or if it would unfold a certain way regardless of what direction he tried to steer it. He didn't want to make any mistakes or cause anything bad to happen, but at the same time he wasn't completely certain he could control everything on his own, or if a bad future was an inevitability that nothing he could do would change. Unsurprisingly, most of the books he borrowed from the landowner seemed to have something to say on the subject, twisting his thoughts even further in every direction.

That afternoon, he set aside his books and ink stone and papers and sat on his mat, studying Taishakuten's face for a long time. "Were you serious?" he asked finally, his solemn voice sounding a little bit fragile.

"About...?"

"When you said you wanted to have sex with me. Were you serious?"

Taishakuten nodded. "Very serious."

"Do you still want to?"

"Even more than I did before." Taishakuten lifted an eyebrow. "Do you want to?"

"Yes."

"Really? Have you decided something bad won't happen?"

"No." He crawled over so he was close enough for Taishakuten to touch him. "But I think we should."

Taishakuten wanted to take him up on it immediately, but he was half-convinced that Ashura would change his mind partway through. He kissed him tentatively, giving him that one chance to run away. He wouldn't let him go afterward, so he felt it was only right to give him a moment to confirm his choice, to be certain that this was really what he wanted, even if it brought cataclysm down upon them.

But Ashura didn't resist. If anything, he pushed the kiss deeper and deeper, sinking to the floor and pulling Taishakuten down on top of him. Taishakuten stumbled through removing Ashura's clothes, deciding it was not worth getting in trouble for destroying the high quality silk in his haste, and Ashura helped him with it, guiding his hands in between pulling off Taishakuten's more simplistic robes.

"Aren't all the girls still in the house?" Taishakuten remembered belatedly. He didn't really care at this point if they made enough noise to raise the dead, but he felt like he should bring it up in case Ashura didn't want to do something to jeopardize his living situation.

"I'll be quiet," Ashura insisted, curling his legs around Taishakuten's waist. "Please, don't think of anything right now."

Taishakuten grinned, bending down to kiss Ashura's beautifully pale body while preparing him with his fingers. Ashura, true to his word, was very quiet, pressing his hand tightly against his lips to muffle the worst of it.

_Why are you doing this? _He wanted to ask it so badly. He had decided at this point that he had fallen in love, possibly from the first moment he laid eyes on Ashura's complexly veiled face, but he wasn't that he could say the same thing for Ashura. Was he simply tempting fate here, or testing how far he could go without destroying the purity of the future?

Ashura moved his hand away for a moment. "Tai-kun, please, please don't think right now. Just feel me. Then you'll understand."

That was enough for him. Without waiting any longer, he went inside, gratified by a soft gasp that Ashura just barely managed to muffle again.

"Fantastic," Taishakuten murmured. "You're fantastic. So unexpected and strange and fantastic."

"You... too..."

"I love you, you know that? I won't be bored anymore, as long as you're here."

"Tai-kun... please just... please show me..."

He pushed in again, trying hard to contain his excitement and keep quiet himself. Ashura was at last displaying the haphazardness he usually kept closeted in his mind, all of the beautiful confusion of his thought and desires spilling forth and leaving him completely exposed. If there wasn't a family on the other side of the doors, he would go completely wild with him. He would show him everything, and then some.

As their pace increased, it grew harder for Ashura to contain everything inside of him. He had to press his face against Taishakuten's chest to hold it back completely, but the feel of suppressed moans against bare skin was enough to push them both over the edge. They both collapsed at the same time, tangling together and panting with the exhaustion of fulfilled desire and both containing and releasing so much all at once.

"I'm so worried all the time about something bad happening," Ashura said between deep breaths. "But even if something bad happens, I wanted to do that."

"Don't talk as if it's something you're going to take away when you decide to leave," Taishakuten growled. "I signed up for multiple times."

"Multiple times is fine. Just not yet." Ashura wiped a bit of sweat from his forehead. "You're beautifully straightforward. But I don't think I've held anything as certain in my life."

"Maybe you should start."

"Maybe I should. But I can't help not wanting something horrible to happen to people I care about."

"Does that include me now?"

Ashura granted him one of his beatific smiles. "I wonder," he said simply, "what this will change?"

0o0o0o0o0o

"Don't get so smug," his mother said, placing her hands on her hips. "Just because the new boy's hot for you now doesn't mean that's going to change the fact that the landowner saw him first."

"I saw him first," Taishakuten corrected, wiping down a ceremonial tea bowl. "The landowner hadn't made it through the crowd yet to beat me to it."

"It doesn't matter. He wants to marry him off to Shashi. And the landowner's not exactly someone you can refuse."

"I thought Ashura's family outranked him."

"They do, but Ashura chose to live independently of his family when he came here. He's in the landowner's debt, even as we speak."

Taishakuten sighed in annoyance. "If Shashi needs a kid so bad, I'll sleep with her just the once. If it gets her to leave Ashura alone."

"Oh, right," his mother snorted derisively. "That will be a fun conversation! 'Please allow my son temporary liberties with your daughter so he can go on making love to the lovely young gentleman you're housing without interruption.' Think with your head for once!"

"I love him," Taishakuten said forcefully. "He's the only thing in this town that's interesting."

"And everything interesting gets sucked up by the world," his mother reminded him. "You said so yourself. Nothing is safe."

"But he..." Taishakuten trailed off. He couldn't imagine him married to Shashi, fitted neatly into the expectations she had been filled with by her parents. He would be lost in that world, swallowed up by it just as much as her spirit was. It would be the very disastrous future he was so fixated on avoiding.

"I won't let it happen," he said, scowling at his mother.

She smiled sadly. "There's only so much just you can do. It's up to Ashura, too, and I'm not certain that person has his head on straight enough to realize what exactly lies at the end of every future presented to him. Just keep that in mind, Taishakuten. You'd better figure out where you stand now, while you still have time."

0o0o0o0o0o

A few months later, Ashura stopped by Taishakuten's stall in the market, holding a letter tightly in his hands. "Where are your parents?" he asked. His voice sounded strangely hollow.

"Another merchant from the capital stopped by. What's the letter?"

"It's from an aunt of mine. I've never met her before... my uncle moved to the north years ago, and married her there. He's died since, leaving her behind with twins. She's moving to the village north of here, the place where my uncle used to live before he left."

"Is she asking you to visit?"

Ashura shook his head. "No. But I think it's time for me to go."

"What do you mean?"

"She sounds awful in this letter. It's a pretty bad case of low spirits, and I'm worried that if this goes on, she won't make it. It must be hard enough for her to look after the twins when she can barely even take care of herself."

"And you're saying-"

"That I want to go there. To be with them. They're only babies, and I don't want anything bad-"

"But you'll come back when they're all back on track, right?"

Ashura looked down at the ground. "Maybe."

"What the hell?" Taishakuten sucked in his breath. "So that's it, then? You've sated your curiosity, and now you're done?"

"That's not it."

"Then what is it? What else could it be?"

"It's just that I'm completely certain this time. Something will happen to those boys if nothing is done."

"Oh yeah? And what will happen if you leave me, huh? What if I make something bad happen to myself to show you just what happens when you toy with someone else's future?"

Ashura's face paled. "You wouldn't."

"Wouldn't I? I don't give a damn about living here without you. And if I followed you to where you're going, you'd just try to tell me it doesn't concern me and cut me out all the same. What do you want me to do? Didn't you think about this consequence when you slept with me?"

Ashura sighed miserably. "I told you. I don't want something horrible to happen to people I care about."

"So apparently you care about people you've never met more than me."

"It's not that!" Ashura cried. All eyes in the market turned to them. Ashura shook his head, balling up the letter in his hands. "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I can't change the way I am, and I'm sorry if it makes you hate me now. But I don't want to make a mistake that will cost us the future. I... I..." With a strangled moan, he turned tail and ran away from the stall, away from the person who loved him.

Taishakuten buried his head in his hands. _What the hell is wrong with him? _He wanted the answer, but he knew it was the wrong question to ask. He still loved him, in spite of everything. Maybe the person in the wrong was himself, for not being a person worth standing beside to the one who so badly needed one certain thing to place his fragile faith in.

0o0o0o0o0o

A few years passed, and Ashura hadn't come back. The landowner talked about him from time to time, so Taishakuten knew his aunt had died, leaving him in custody of the twins. He'd hoped Ashura would move them back to the village, but there never seemed to be any indication that he intended to come.

When morning came, Taishakuten pulled himself out of bed and began gathering their merchandise to begin setting up in the market. His mother and father were already eating at the table, leaving a heavy helping of rice waiting for him at his seat.

"Don't bother," his father grunted. "Market's closed."

"Why? Today isn't a holiday."

"The landowner's daughter is getting married. Shashi."

"To who?"

His mother looked at him, frowning. "Do you really need me to answer that question?" she asked. "But it seems like we'll be losing our miko. She'll be traveling north with him tomorrow morning."

Taishakuten stared at her, anger welling up inside of him. What the hell was he doing? Why her, of all people? Ashura had never showed even a passing interest in her, and she'd never shown interest in return. Even if he came from a family that had born healthy sons, why did that mean he had to marry her? How could it possibly lead him to the future he wanted?

With an incoherent snarl, Taishakuten stormed out of the house. Just as they'd said, the village had emptied. Everyone had gathered at the shrine, wanting to see the event the landowner had been dreaming of since his own wife passed her childbearing days. Taishakuten climbed up a nearby tree, waiting for the bridal party to emerge from within. He wondered if the twins were there. He wanted to hate them just as much as he hated Shashi for taking Ashura away from him. He wanted to, but the more forgiving part of him couldn't. Ashura had chosen for himself; they'd had no more say in it than he did.

When the guests finally emerged, his eyes immediately sought out Ashura. He was wearing the same solemn expression he'd had when they'd first met, but it was nothing near as spectacular as Shashi's pinched scowl. Two little boys were clinging to Ashura's hand, blonde, wide-eyed, and also appearing as if they were on the verge of tears. He'd never seen four such miserable people in his life, but the landowner's pleased grin made up for their aura of grief. He, at least, was one step closer to getting what he wanted.

Ashura paused his steps, passing the twin's hands to his new father-in-law. Without seeming to notice he'd stopped, the bridal party and guests went on without him, laughing and chattering and preparing for what would most likely be an extravagant and expensive feast at the big house.

Taishakuten swung down from the tree. Ashura was waiting for him, his eyes failing to register any change in emotion.

"Married, huh?" Taishakuten said finally. "I'd congratulate you, but you look like you've just come from a funeral."

"I don't regret doing it," Ashura said quietly. "Those boys... I'd like to think that I can do everything for them, but I can't. They need someone else."

"_Her?_"

"She's the one person I knew who was perfectly ready to deal with raising sons."

"That's not what your new father wants. He wants you two to have one of your own."

"I know." Ashura bent his head. "Tai-kun... it would be best if you hated me after this."

"Would it? Well, I'm sorry. I'd like to hate you, but I don't."

"You should. I love you, but I chose to do this anyway, even knowing exactly how it would make you feel. A person worthy of your love would never do something like that."

"I never said you were worthy. I just said I loved you." Taishakuten placed two fingers underneath Ashura's chin. "But you love me, hmm? You're willing to say that now."

"I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't."

"Well... I guess it's nice to hear. Maybe it's a little too late, but it's still nice." He dropped his hand away. "If I'm being completely honest, I think you're going to give Shashi a horrible life. You don't love her, and I really doubt someone like her is capable of loving anyone either. So don't make it worse for her by dallying with another man minutes after marrying her. I'm a cruel guy, but not to that point." He smiled sadly. "If you ever want to play again, figure out how to do it without hurting us both again, all right?"

"All right. But still... you really should just hate me and let that be the end of it."

"It won't end so easily. You know that." He leaned against the trunk of the tree. "I guess the next time I'll see you, you'll be coming back to the village with your own brat."

Ashura nodded, looking even more miserable.

"Hope it looks like you. The twins are cute, but if you hadn't told me yourself, I'd never guess they were related to you."

"Me either. They're only seven, but... I think they're already a lot better off than me. Fai especially. He's got a special friend who reminds me a lot... of you."

Taishakuten sighed, turning his face away. "Well. I hope everything you did for them works out. And I hope you don't regret it."

"Yeah," Ashura said feebly. "Me, too."

0o0o0o0o0o

Taishakuten had expected to see him again much sooner, armed with a baby to appease his father-in-law. But years passed and passed, and slowly it had gotten to be over nine unbearable years that they'd been apart. It felt like a lifetime to Taishakuten, who'd fallen back into his old ways without Ashura there to convince him that there was something that kept the world from being a repetitive cycle of sameness.

And then a letter came for the landowner announcing the birth of a child. It was an oddly worded letter that gave no indication of whether the child was a boy or a girl or if Shashi was doing well following the delivery, but the landowner tried to be optimistic about it. "Has to be a boy, has to be!" he boomed. "See, they named it Ashura, after the father. That has to mean it's a boy."

But no further word came from the village until a merchant passed through to warn them that a flood had been foretold in the north. There was no indication that it would reach them, but the village where Ashura lived was supposedly in grave danger, although their own landowner seemed to be taking steps to keep them safe.

It did rain heavily in their own village, closing the market for a span. Taishakuten refused to be cooped up inside nonetheless, fearing that in spite of Ashura's actions, something bad was heading towards him. What if the flood was the very thing he had been worrying about from the beginning? What if he'd unknowingly damned himself and the twins and even his newborn child to die by leaving them in that village for all that time?

He paced the path back and forth, soaking himself in rain as he waited for someone to bring more news of what had happened. But day after day, no one came. He had nearly given up when a figure finally appeared on the road leading north, soaked and staggering forward slowly as it tried to shield a swaddled bundle from the worst of the elements.

Taishakuten ran forward to catch Ashura before he collapsed. His eyes were glistening, but there was no other sign of a fever from him. The child, whose golden eyes regarded him curiously when he picked it up, luckily seemed unharmed.

"Shashi..." Ashura gasped out. "I have to... tell her family. She's been trying... to kill it."

"Don't exhaust yourself," Taishakuten yelled. "I'll get you both inside. Just stay quiet and don't make it worse!"

When they were all safely indoors, Taishakuten toweled off both Ashura and his child, listening in confusion to Ashura's disjointed explanation of what had been happening to Shashi. "And Fai and Yui... I had no idea the flood was coming... I would have never have left them... Yui told me to leave, he seemed so certain so I thought there was a reason... what if I made a mistake?"

"Shut up!" Taishakuten yelled. "For once in your life, would you please just shut up! How can you possibly say that this is your fault? Did you tell it to rain? Did you tell Shashi to try and kill her own child, and you? Don't be so damn selfish! You're just a small portion of this outcome... I could have stopped you from leaving and marrying her, so why don't you blame me if you want to blame someone? But it won't change anything. Something bad happened, just like you always feared, so stop moping and figure out what we're going to do about it!"

Ashura's eyes widened, but he at last seemed to calm down. "We have to go back," he said finally. "We have to bring Yui and Fai here before she takes them. I don't know if what's wrong with her can be fixed, but if anyone can do it... her parents have to forgive her for not bearing a son. They have to do it if they want her to go on living."

"All right," Taishakuten said quietly. "That's what we'll do, then. I'll come with you."

"But-"

"I'm sorry. I've been weak. But I won't let you do whatever you want all alone anymore. This has and always will affect me, too."

Ashura's face crumpled, and for the first time ever that Taishakuten had seen, he started crying. "T-Thank you. Thank you, Tai-san. Thank you for loving me. I didn't want you to hate me, even though I've been so stupid."

"Yeah, yeah." Taishakuten wrapped him in his arms, pressing his face near the battered heart still beating on his behalf. "We'll go as soon as the rain ends. No matter what, I'll stand by you. And I swear to you that me being here will only change things for the better, okay?"

"Okay," Ashura whispered, smiling through his tears. "I'll believe in you this time."

0o0o0o0o0o

A happy scene did not await them in Ashura's village. As soon as they came down the path, they could see for themselves that everything was ruined. Their landowner's house still stood, but the shrine had collapsed, and each of the houses had been damaged in one form or the other. All of the villagers were out of doors, already immersed in their rebuilding, but they paused as soon as they laid eyes on Ashura. Their faces told everything, and they did not prolong the agony further. Shashi was gone, they said. And Yui, too. Their bodies had been found a little ways outside of the village; she had tried to take him away, after all.

Ashura nearly collapsed at the news. Taishakuten had to hold the child for him as he handled this latest blow, gasping for air as he processed that everything he had feared had come true right in front of his eyes.

It was only the knowledge of Fai's survival that he was able to stand up and move forward. The more fortunate twin was in the home of the landowner Clow Reed, who was now also deceased, recuperating alongside the friend that had saved his life through the duration of the storm.

Taishakuten did not like to watch the scene that unfolded when they came to collect Fai. He didn't know much about the boy, who had turned sixteen and grown so much since Taishakuten had last seen him that he would have never been able to recognize him if not for the blonde hair, but there was something achingly familiar in the way his companion argued with him, trying to get him to open his eyes and stop blaming himself and casting distance between them. But there was nothing to be done about it in that moment. Ashura would not return without Fai, and Taishakuten could not countenance leaving any of them to live homeless in the village where they had lost everything so quickly.

And so they had gone back. Fai had remained determinedly silent throughout the journey, and Ashura was hardly better. The child Ashura was the vocal one out of all of them, crying for milk and the mother who had never given it and now never would. Taishakuten was grateful that one of Shashi's sisters had also given birth recently, so the baby would be able to be fed as soon as they made it back home.

When they at last returned, Ashura insisted that he had to tell Shashi's father about what had happened as soon as possible. They were all invited into the big house, and Taishakuten handled setting up Fai in the guest room and seeing that the baby was fed while Ashura broke the news.

When the children were taken care of, he withdrew to Ashura's old room in the house. He hadn't been back there since the very last time they'd made love there in secret, only days before the letter from Ashura's aunt had drawn him away. It felt nostalgic, and terribly bitter to remember. _I said I wouldn't let him go, _Taishakuten berated himself. _Why did I? Why wasn't I strong enough_?

It was quite some time before Ashura returned. His eyes were bloodshot, a far cry from how sharp and coolly assessing they'd been when they'd first met. They were still beautiful, though. Hauntingly beautiful, and achingly real now that they were filled with his fully realized fears. Taishakuten loved them all the same, but wished Ashura hadn't been brought to the point of having them openly displayed with the worst kind of grief.

He held out his arms for Ashura to fall into, and he said nothing, making no more accusations for either himself or Ashura. What happened had happened. There was no going back. Soon, they were going to have to decide what would come next, but this very moment was there for them to wallow in their respective sadness.

When Ashura had wrung himself dry of his tears, he requested very quietly that they make love. Taishakuten knew better to refute him, even though the occasion hardly created the appropriate mood. Sometimes when the pain was too much, you could only give it reprieve with a different kind of pain, and as much as they still loved each other, the prospect of sex was in its way incredibly painful. Not so much physically, although Taishakuten supposed it might be after so many years of Ashura being kept from intimacy with him, but rather in how laden it would be with thoughts of what could have been if only they had been stronger when it had mattered most.

"I love you," Ashura whispered when Taishakuten went inside of him, a feeling he had forgotten how strongly surged through him. "I won't worry about what consequence it has anymore. If something bad happens... I'd rather suffer it with you then feel as alone as I always have... Tai-san... Tai-san..."

"I love you," Taishakuten said softly. He said nothing more as they joined together again and again, giving one last act of love to a house that had seen so little of it, and even now was still veiled in sadness, from the landowner weeping for his daughter to a lonely twin staring blankly at the ceiling, hating and blaming everyone for leaving him this way.

It wasn't fair. But it was life. Taishakuten was happy to be alive if only to love and be loved by the strong yet fragile soul in his arms who would at last trust him enough to find together a future that would one day restore their faith.

0o0o0o0o0o


	21. Bonus Story: Free

**A/N: **Hey, readers! It's time for a little bit of Yuuko/Clow, an OTP of mine I will support no matter what wacky direction the ending of _xxxHolic _takes! I mean, Yuuko's farewell speech from the _Tsubasa _perspective is clearly directed at Clow, and the fact that Watanuki isfrom the same bloodline as Clow makes that pairing kind of squicky to me (plus I ship DouWata like a boss). Regardless, since we never really get a glimpse at the young Yuuko in either manga, I wanted to look into the sort of person she would be as she grew into her powers. Enjoy!

**Rating: **T

**Timeline: **Before the events of Chapter One

0o0o0o0o0o

**Free**

So many people in the world were looking for answers, and asked themselves why they were not blessed enough to know. Back in the days when she left the house more frequently, Yuuko could hear them bemoaning their lack to one another in the streets, adding yet more questions to their seemingly endless list of things they wanted to know. _Why doesn't that person love me? Why doesn't my child behave in this particular way? Why are prices going up and quality going down? Why does it rain so much in the spring?_

Yuuko believed them when they said they wanted to know, because they believed in it themselves. But she did not believe that knowing would make them happy. She knew the answers to all they questioned and had divined their fates from the actions they took and what was shown to her in dreams. She knew nearly everything and had no questions left to ask, but she was not happy. If anything, her ability to know so much was a burden, something which isolated her from being able to be curious and in awe of other people. She looked like them, but she was beyond them in so many ways, and though they needed her and relied on her insight, they hated her for her otherness and endless stream of knowledge that they were not privy to.

She did not hate the people who lived in the capital. She did not like them, but she did not hate them either. They had their own sets of wishes, concerns, and fears, and she was simply an agent meant to help them open their eyes to the nature of the lives they were living. They were always grateful for her advice and willing to pay her due compensation, but the moment they left her and her smoky room behind, the whispers would begin. _Such an odd girl, isn't she? A dream seer and a fortune teller at such a young age, sold off to the shrine by her parents as soon as her talents began to manifest. It's a bit creepy when you think about it, right? I mean, being able to do something like that is just... unnatural..._

Yuuko wasn't bothered by what they said about her. They did not know. To them, the world was limited to their city, to the neighboring villages, to their family and friends. They did not worry or care if their souls existed elsewhere. They simply wanted what they wanted in the moment they existed in, and if she could, she helped them find their way to having it. If that was 'unnatural,' then they had participated in the unnaturalness just as much as she had.

But she did somewhat enjoy the fact that they thought she was crazy. To appease their view of her, she sequestered herself in her room and slouched around half-naked, drinking and smoking to keep herself entertained. Whenever a visitor arrived, she would behave like a depraved seductress, running her hands along their face and leaning in closer and closer until they squirmed in discomfort. When she did leave her rooms, she popped in and out through the windows, showing a healthy bit of leg as she wiggled through. Her behavior quickly promoted her status to that of a local legend, making her clients a bit more forgiving of the fact that she hoarded the knowledge they so desired.

She was not happy. She was not unhappy. She simply was. Her clients all had people in their lives they wished happiness upon and loved to the point where all they sought for was that person's contentedness, but she as of yet treasured no one. It did not worry her. The moment she'd set foot in the capital, she knew she would leave again before she turned twenty. Yuuko was not yet completely certain of the exact place she would go, but she knew someone was waiting for her. The right moment had not yet come, but that did not mean she was not preparing.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

She saw him for the first time in dreams. He was sitting in shadowy, undefined space, staring at the very spot she had appeared as if he had been patiently waiting for her. His lips were smiling, and his eyes were closed, displaying laugh lines already digging into the corners, even in spite of his young age.

"Here," he said, tossing her a kimono patterned with butterflies. She had not even noticed herself that she was naked, but he seemed to have anticipated this as well. "Although the way you are right now isn't half-bad, really."

"Creep," she muttered. She pulled the kimono over her exposed skin, but did not fasten it in the front. "You aren't the celebrated wizard I've heard so much about."

"No, just the son of landowners, I'm afraid." His smile grew wider. "And you aren't the dimension witch."

"No, just a simple teller of fortunes."

"I'm glad. I've been waiting for you."

"Have you, Clow Reed?" She sat down beside him, studying his carefree expression. "Can you tell me why?"

"Because in this life, I do not wish to lose you."

"You do not know me yet."

"No. But I do not wish to lose you before I have the chance to." He met her eyes, the smile never seeming to go out of them. "May I call you Yuuko?"

"If you insist."

"I do. Now that this fated event of meeting you has happened, we are bound together by this moment. I would like for us to be able to speak together openly and honestly." He tented his hands and pressed them against his lips. "I'm surprised we've never met sooner than this. I've been to the capital several times with my family, but you were already occupied with someone else whenever we came. I've heard quite a bit about you, though."

"I'm sure you have."

"I've heard it's not only fortunes you tell. You also have an eye for what people desire and what obstacles stand in the way of them having it."

"And?"

"I wonder if you know," he said. "I wonder if you know just by looking at me what it is I want."

She tilted her head, sizing him up. "You are able to travel through dreams. That is evident. You were able to find me here, so surely you are just as familiar with this realm as I. And as one who understands the world of dreams, you know that this place is boundless, that it is the meeting place of the souls and worlds that stretch out about us endlessly. But as much as these worlds and other lives fascinate you, the world you love is not here or anywhere other than the place where your body now sleeps. What you want more than anything is to be worthy of that land, and the people who live there."

Clow shook his head in a show of amazement. "I'm an open book to you, Yuuko-san. But that's not exactly everything, is it?"

"It isn't."

"Then you're aware of what else I want?"

She frowned. "I am not caged. There's nothing here for you to set free."

"I know that. I told you, I've heard about you and know your story as well as my own. I know all about the beautiful woman sold by her family as a child, blessed with magic and a sight that can unveil fate, but kept apart and alone. I do not wish to set you free. You have every power to come and go exactly as you please, and I would never have you move a moment sooner than you choose to move. But I think... I think and feel with all my heart that it could only be a happy thing for your future and mine to come together once again." His smile had momentarily slipped from his face during this speech, but soon returned as bright as ever. "I may not be able to tell the future on my own or figure out the true heart of the people I meet, but I know something you are missing. May I tell you a story?"

She nodded, not certain of what he would say. He clearly had many things he wanted to tell her, but she was left wondering as to which he would see as the most essential to explain.

With no further preamble, he began to speak to her of the village and a little bit of the history to his ties to it. The land had fallen into the hands of the Reed family a few generations back when his great-grandfather had overturned some foreign ruler in a territorial war, and Clow's father had been the one to improve its potential as rice farmlands, dramatically increasing its revenue and population. Clow himself had been raised since birth to oversee the lands, although he admitted that as a child he had enjoyed playing practical jokes on the workers more than he had researching the farming and sale of rice. All the same, he had not wished to be born for something else; he loved the land, and understood that the crops it produced maintained the lives of many people beyond even his family and those in the village itself.

His childhood was happy, but somewhat lonely. As the landowner's son, everyone had been a bit nervous around him in the beginning, but he'd grown tired of keeping aloof from everyone else and had started hosting get togethers in the manor with the workers and their families. He made an effort to learn everyone's names and figure out who and what they held as most important to them, and started to grow very much attached to everyone he met.

He told her of each of them one-by-one. She learned of the priest who served the shrine and the beautiful miko who had a young son named Kurogane, and of the two twins from foreign lands whose mother had died and were now being raised by a man named Ashura, who Yuuko had met briefly when he'd lived in the capital. The stories he told of them were relatively simple, but it was the way he told them that enchanted her. He spoke with such love and feeling, desiring with all his heart that these people whom he respected would be happy and safe. He did not know their futures, but he wanted them to be blessed with good fortune and live in comfort in the village he loved so much.

Yuuko had never felt that way in all her life. Perhaps that was what he had meant when he'd said she was missing something.

Clow talked for hours in this fashion, and Yuuko listened attentively. He, like everyone else she'd ever met, had so many things he wished to know, but never once did he pause his story to ask for clarification or insight. He seemed in many ways content with his own uncertainty, and content with the fact that though her awareness was greater than his own, there was only so much she could reveal and explain. She was unused to this sort of conversation. Nothing was expected of her other than to listen to his words and consider the love that he bore in his heart.

"And here I am, going on and on and on," he said finally. "Next time, you'll have to tell me more about yourself. I can't allow myself to get too carried away in trying to get you to think well of me."

"And yet you have spoken very little of yourself. I know almost more of some of the young people in your village than I do of you."

"That is because who they are is a part of who I am." He reached out, placing a hand above her heart. "And because even those who know the world well need to be reminded that though things are endlessly vast, they are also quite small."

"Creep," she said, swatting his hand away. "How forward of you to try and grope me after knowing me for so little."

"Is that a privilege I'll have to earn, then?" He smiled at her. "Then I hope to see you again, Yuuko-san. In fact, nothing makes me happier than knowing that I will."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Every night following that, he sought her out in dreams. Though he did manage to get some information out of her in regards to what little of interest she had to say about her clients and life in the capital, she was more content to allow him to be the one who spoke. He was just an ordinary man on his own, but it was the way he looked upon everything that existed as extraordinary that she liked. Even though she lived in the heart of the capital, a place that anyone else would have found incredibly diverting, she had somehow lost the magic of it and failed to find anything intriguing in the lives of the people she helped. She had regarded their troubles with a cool detachment, and extended herself on their behalf simply to witness how they would behave and see if their hearts held the capacity to rise above their weaknesses as humans. They were experiments whose results engaged her interest momentarily, but in no way moved her.

But the more she spoke with Clow, the more she realized that it was not their differences in location that made the way they experienced the world so separate from one another. There were Kuroganes and Fais and Ashuras and Yuis in her own city, and many more besides. She had simply forgotten, somewhere down the line, how to be moved enough to care.

"I wonder," Clow mused at the conclusion of one of their meetings, "if the universe seems hopeless to you."

"Why do you say that?"

"It's because I noticed that when you speak of your clients, they always seem to act in the way you expect them to. And since their souls exist elsewhere, they must often make the very same mistakes in one life that they do in another."

Yuuko lifted an eyebrow. "I won't deny that it does happen."

"That must make you sad, in a way. Though I doubt you're the kind of person who would ever admit it when she's sad." He smiled gently. "But even if they make the same mistakes, that can also mean they will repeat their successes. If the world is cruel, than it is kind as well."

Yuuko sighed. She knew this already. Perhaps she had stopped thinking of it long ago, but she knew.

"Why are you interested in me?" she asked suddenly. "In another world, you may have tried to halt the universe for me, but the souls these bodies possess do not belong in that world. What about the me right here interests the you beside me?"

"You've shut yourself down from caring," he said simply. "But that doesn't disguise the fact that you have a heart, one that is very beautiful to me. And when that heart starts caring again, I want to be a person it cares for. Perhaps that is selfish of me."

"It doesn't matter if it's selfish or not," she muttered. "If that's what you want, you have every right to want it."

"I know," he said softly. "But it's going to be a wish that won't come true if you don't learn to want it, too."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The client sitting in front of Yuuko was a nervous sort. She kept ringing her hands and avoiding Yuuko's pointed gaze, even though she had come to her of her own volition. Yuuko liked to maintain patience when she was entertaining her guests, but today it was being worn thin. She wanted to drink more than anything, but the woman didn't seem like the kind of person who would enjoy her digging into the liquor stash mid-conversation.

"I know that I should be happy that my family made such a good match for me," the woman was saying. "But I don't want to marry anyone else other than the person I love."

This was a problem Yuuko had dealt with any number of times. The only thing to do was to ask them ruthlessly whether or not they felt they needed to make decisions based on their own desires or the desires of someone else, and then get them to crack to the point where they at last felt obligated to act one way or another. She could do this in her sleep, if she wanted. It was only more of the same.

_I wonder if the universe seems hopeless to you..._

She grit her teeth. "Why?" she demanded all of a sudden. "Why do you love that person?"

The woman dropped her tea cup in surprise. "W-Why? I suppose... I suppose it's because he makes me happy. We're well-suited for each other."

"Yes," Yuuko said. "But the person your parents want you to marry is well-suited to your finances and position. What makes the person you love any different? Why does it have to be him?"

"Because..." The woman clenched her fist, suddenly looking firmer. "I don't want to be with anyone else! It's hard enough not to be with him the way it is now, but if we were separated any further than this, I'm certain that even if I lived through it, I would never truly be happy with my life!"

"Then why are you still here?" Yuuko pressed. "If you're so certain, then isn't it rather weak of you to let something stand in your way at this time in your life? Go if you wish to go. Stay if your love of your parents drives you to stay. But if there's somewhere you need to be, don't wait around thinking you'll end up there while waiting for it passively. Until you make that choice for yourself, you'll stay exactly where you are."

The woman's mouth fell open, and she looked confused for a moment. "Alright, then," she said finally, pressing her hand over her heart. "I will. I won't doubt myself any more. I don't want the person he fell in love with to be a person who is weak." She grabbed her belongings and started to head for the door, but paused at the last moment. "You know, I'd heard you didn't really care about what happened to anyone, Yuuko-chan, but for a moment there, I think you actually looked angry because of me. I don't know if I was imagining it or not, but it made me happy. It made me want to change and become better so I wouldn't have to see the same face on the person I love."

With that said, the woman extended a swift bow and took her leave, ready to make her choice.

Yuuko dug around for a bottle of sake and took a deep swig. "What do you know?" she mused to herself, looking out the window. "Perhaps it's time for me to leave as well."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

The truly dramatic thing to do would be to leave everything behind and simply disappear without telling them, leading them to believe she'd been spirited away or simply vanished from the world itself. But for once, Yuuko resolved to be practical. She had grown attached to the gifts given for her services, particularly the collection of kimono she'd amassed over the years. The kimono in particular needed to come along with her, she felt. One of the twins Clow spoke of seemed to have an affinity for fabric, even though he had yet to be exposed to anything as exquisite in quality to what she had. She knew too little of him as of yet to tell how her own collection would affect him, but she had a feeling that it would somehow influence him towards one end or another.

Instead, she scribbled out letters to the people who owed her favors and asked that they ship her belongings after her. She was certain they would do it; the talent she possessed which they had bought her for, after all, had never been theirs to own.

She placed her best kimono on, downed the last bit of sake in her stash, and stepped towards the window, sliding it open. Both of her feet hit the ground, delighted by how nice and cool the grass felt against her skin. It had been too long since she'd been out. She had almost forgotten how good it felt.

Yuuko had never before used the roads leading out of the city, but somehow she knew which one was the correct path. Most branched off into other places, heading a variety of directions, but the marker nearby this one indicated that it only went to one place. That was how she knew it was right, she realized; there was only one place she needed to go.

She arrived in the afternoon, while the village was still quiet. All the workers were in the fields, and the children she knew so much of were indoors. But he was waiting for her, standing in the middle of the road and watching her approach with a smile on his face. She wanted to belittle him and tell him that she had known all along that she would leave and that it had nothing to do with him, but she couldn't diminish the person who had become so big a presence in her mind. There was no point in lying or pretending that he had nothing to do with the fact that she was here. He knew the truth. To him, her heart was an open book.

He reached out a hand to her. "I've been waiting here for you," he said.

"Creep," she shot back, but there was now a smile on her face to match his, and for the very first time, she surprised herself with how natural, how meaningful it felt.

0o0o0o0o0o0o


	22. Bonus Story: The Perfect Excuse

**A/N: **Got any DouWata fans out there? They're one of my favorite couples to write since my angsty side enjoys pairings with a lot of issues, and what it comes to putting up with an endless sea of crap from the person you love, not even Kuro-tan has Doumeki beat! Of course, the Doumeki and Watanuki in the universe get together, but how did Doumeki manage it? What kind of tricks does he have up his Shinto priest sleeves? I hope you enjoy reading and finding out!

**Rating: **M, mmmmm, mmmm, mmmm

**Timeline: **Shortly before Chapter 10

0o0o0o0o0

**The Perfect Excuse**

Watanuki stoked the fire underneath the pot of water boiling on the hearth, cursing Yuuko under his breath. As the esteemed landowner of their village, he acknowledged that she had every right to declare a "Welcome Back" meal for Doumeki in the manor, especially since he had done so well for himself in training at such a young age to replace his grandfather as the shrine's head priest, but that didn't mean she could demand him to cook Doumeki a full course meal at such late notice. Why should he put forth such an effort for Doumeki, of all people? It wasn't as if he was even being paid anymore, now that Yuuko was in charge. When he was alive, Clow would delegate him a decent sum for putting up with Yuuko's whims, but Yuuko herself simply left him with an indifferent, "I let you live here, don't I?" whenever he asked for compensation.

"I shouldn't have to put up with this," Watanuki grumbled to himself, all the while steadily dumping ingredients into the pot. "I should just quit, and... and..."

"Become a miko?" Doumeki's flat voice finished for him.

Watanuki whirled around. Doumeki was standing in the entry way to the room, staring at him with the deadpan expression that had always driven Watanuki crazy when they were children.

"What are you doing here?" Watanuki yelled, swinging his ladle around like a dangerous weapon. "Were the snacks I brought out for you and Yuuko not good enough for your dignified stomach?"

"They're finished already. Are there any more?"

"Do you want me to finish dinner on time, or not?" Watanuki tried to use his body to shield the plate containing the leftover snacks he had saved for himself, but Doumeki spotted them and began to vigorously scarf them down.

"You're not wearing an apron," Doumeki said, chewing noisily. "Did you grow out of the one I gave you for your birthday before I left?"

"AS IF I WOULD EVER WEAR SUCH A STUPID PRESENT. AND STOP CHEWING WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN!"

"Pipe down." Doumeki finished off the snacks and ran his tongue across his lower lip, lapping up the crumbs. "Thanks for the meal."

"What was even the point of making it if you're going to gorge yourself before the main course?" Watanuki grumbled. Doumeki had set down the plate and was walking towards him with an unnaturally focused look in his eyes. "And don't stand so close."

Without warning, Doumeki abruptly grabbed Watanuki's forearms and planted a quick kiss on his lips before pulling away as if nothing had happened. Watanuki blinked. Had he been hallucinating for a moment? He lifted a finger against his bottom lip, which had somehow become moist. But Doumeki really hadn't kissed him, had he? It was just a waking nightmare that had come upon him due to Doumeki's uncomfortable closeness and the burning look in his eyes as he had rounded on him.

"You aren't hallucinating," Doumeki said, interrupting Watanuki's internal analysis of the situation. "That was compensation."

"Compen..." Watanuki trailed off, his temper instantly triggering. "YOU MEAN YOU ACTUALLY... THAT WAS MY FIRST, YOU JERK!"

"Of course. That was why it was fitting payment."

"Payment for what?"

"The snacks."

"I don't need to be paid in that kind of way! A 'thank you' is good enough!"

Doumeki shook his head. "A 'thank you' would work for a normal meal, but what you made right now was high quality. If I didn't give you something of equal specialness, it would have upset the balance."

"Eh? There's such a rule?" Watanuki's eyes narrowed. "Does that mean Yuuko's going to come and kiss me, too?"

Doumeki lifted an eyebrow. "That would not be suitable. She paid for the ingredients to make the food, and providing more would be repaying you too much."

"But I've made food like that for other people," Watanuki persisted, not quite convinced by Doumeki's claims. "Like Kurogane-san and Fai-san."

"For them, your meals do not require that kind of compensation," Doumeki replied. "The most valuable meals that are shared between them are the ones Fai-san makes."

To Watanuki's dismay, this explanation made reasonable sense. But still, even if he was obligated to receive compensation in some form from Doumeki, why did it have to be a kiss?

"You put all your feelings into your cooking," Doumeki explained, once again reading his train of thought. "So I needed to give you something with my feelings. The pot is boiling over."

Watanuki yelped, quickly lunging to pull the pot away from the flames he had been too occupied in reacting to Doumeki's unwelcome surprise to keep in check. Aside from the spillage, the food still seemed to be in good shape, which he was grateful for. Yuuko would never let him hear the end of it if he burned their feast.

All of a sudden, a thought struck Watanuki. _If Doumeki needed to compensate me for the snacks, won't he have to do the same if the dinner tastes too good? And if I continue to get better at cooking, will he need to kiss me every time I make something he likes?_

"Why didn't I just let it burn?" Watanuki wailed, looking down into the abyss of his flawless cooking.

"Oi, are you an idiot?" Doumeki asked. He stuck his finger in the pot and licked it clean. "This is good."

"But, um, not terribly good, right? I definitely did a better job with the snacks."

Doumeki stared at him, a smugness little by little dawning on his usually expressionless face. "We'll see," he said.

Watanuki knew, as soon as he heard the tone of Doumeki's voice, that the outcome could only be bad.

0o0o0o0o0o0

"You really outdid yourself this time, Watanuki," Yuuko sighed, rubbing her stomach in appreciation. "This food really speaks to how happy you are that Doumeki is back home."

"That isn't it at all," Watanuki snapped, clearing away the dishes. "And if you liked it so much, give me some time off as thanks!"

"What? After all the hard earned money I gave you to buy those ingredients?" Yuuko sniffled. "Watanuki is unbelievably selfish, isn't he, Doumeki-sama?"

"Very selfish."

"Luckily, I am in a generous mood this evening. I will give you an afternoon off next week for the two of us to go to a wedding."

"Whose wedding?"

"I cannot say. The people in question still have yet to make their decision."

"Then how do you even know there's going to be a wedding?"

Yuuko smiled at him pityingly. After spending nearly his whole life working for her, he still forgot every now and then that she possessed a heightened awareness of the future.

"Fine," Watanuki relented. An afternoon off was better than nothing, coming from Yuuko.

"Wonderful! But you will, of course, have to cook the wedding feast for our guests after the ceremony. The families are relatively small, but I do expect a meal up to your usual standards. I have talked you up quite extensively to Hirayama-dono, after all."

"WHA-"

"Oh! And it's been so absolutely wonderful having Doumeki-sama over this evening, that I think you and I should host him every night. After all the hard work he'll be doing, I feel as if we should repay him somehow."

"I accept," Doumeki said instantly.

"If you want to repay him, how about you cook for him?" Watanuki yelled.

"I haven't cooked a meal in my life," Yuuko said earnestly. "Now be a good boy and clean off those dishes. Doumeki-sama, I hate to impose on a guest, but his hands are rather full. Would you assist him?"

Doumeki nodded and scooped up the rest of the dishes. Watanuki eyed him nervously.

"I can really do this by myself," he muttered. He knew what would happen if he ended up alone with Doumeki again. The dinner he had made was just too excellent to avoid the need for additional compensation. It would be fine if he could convince Doumeki to pay him in some other way, but at the moment he couldn't think of anything that would work, anything that could be held as 'special.'

Sure enough, as soon as he had wiped down all the cups and bowls, Doumeki gently nudged him against the wall and granted him with yet another kiss. This one lasted a bit longer than the first, and allowed for Doumeki to make one or two tentative changes in pressure before he pulled away.

"It really doesn't seem fair," Watanuki said, hiding his flaming face behind his arm, "that you're allowed to pay for something you enjoyed by giving me something I don't enjoy."

"Idiot," Doumeki said. "So I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow, then."

"I guess," Watanuki muttered. He made a mental note to remember to botch the meal. Maybe if he did a poor enough job, Yuuko would fire him and that would be the end of that misadventure. How nice would it be to be free of both of his burdens and be able to live as he chose? He had no idea of what he would even want to do if left to his own devices, but surely anything had to be better than this.

0o0o0o0o0o0

He didn't destroy their next meal. Or the one after that. His wedding feast for Kurogane and Fai was so delicious that Doumeki had announced that it was worth five kisses in compensation. If anything, Watanuki simply seemed to become better and better at cooking with every meal he served. And since there was no possible reason why he could be going out of his way to be better, he simply had to conclude that his raw natural talent had reached the point where it could no longer be tamed. If he could have stopped it, he would have. There was no chance that he actually desired the compensation given to him, which was forced upon him entirely against his will.

"If I had known incentive would have boosted your skills, I would have tried it a long time ago," Yuuko lamented one afternoon after Watanuki had served her brunch. "You've always been so willing to be led around the nose."

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"I mean, what little boy agrees to become a glorified servant before he's barely even old enough to read?"

"I never agreed to it! Clow-san asked me if I wanted to move into the big house after my parents died, but you were the one who started bossing me around!"

"And yet when you came to him and complained about me, Clow turned those squinty eyes of his to you and said so very sweetly that it is quite a special honor to be held in esteem by the unparalleled heart of Yuuko-sama-"

"You had Clow duped. DUPED!"

"Yes, but he liked it that way ever so much." Yuuko grinned wickedly.

"Please don't say anything further than that. And what did you mean earlier by 'incentive'?"

"Oh, nothing. It's such a nice thing to be rewarded, isn't it?"

Watanuki's face flamed. That was it. Next time, he was going to mess up the meal so spectacularly that even Doumeki's bottomless pit stomach wouldn't survive.

0o0o0o0o0o0

A year passed, and Watanuki was still cooking better and better meals, still had his job, and was still on the receiving end of Doumeki's unfortunate compensation. It was bad enough that Yuuko had an idea of what was going on, but he was becoming convinced that she had also passed on the juicy details to Fai, who was now smiling knowingly whenever they crossed paths.

Watanuki did put forth a token effort to get Doumeki to stop coming every night for dinner. He tried teaching Kohane how to cook, but she had insisted that she couldn't possibly compete with Watanuki's stellar cooking, and Fai had outright laughed at him when he'd asked if he'd be willing to feed Doumeki a few days a week. Plenty of the local girls were desperate to catch Doumeki's attention, but even they had to admit, with a pointed glare at Watanuki, that whenever they offered him food, he'd take one look at it and politely decline.

So Doumeki ended up coming to eat for yet another night. Instead of joining Yuuko in the main room where she was already heavily indulging in sake, he dropped by the hearth to watch Watanuki cook, his expression appearing uncharacteristically annoyed.

"What's wrong with you?" Watanuki asked, hoping that whatever had turned Doumeki's mood sour wouldn't be taken out on him as things always seemed to be.

"Do you know someone named Keiichi?" Doumeki asked. His voice sounded particularly cold as he said the name.

"Keiichi," Watanuki echoed. "Keiichi... Keiichi... ah, I think there's someone like that who works in the fields, right? Someone about the same age as Fai-san?"

"And have you been _communicating_ with him?" Doumeki enunciated the word as if it were akin to committing the worst kind of sin.

"Eh? I think I've spoken to him a few times at the hanami picnic, but other than that..."

Doumeki slammed his hand into the wall beside Watanuki's face. "You're defenseless," he said, his voice rising somewhat in volume. "You're swayed easily by other people. I know that. But don't give other guys an opening, or they'll misunderstand you."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Watanuki yelled back. "What do you want me to do? Never speak to anyone again?"

"Ideally, that is what I would want, until you learn yourself better," Doumeki said. "But since I can't make you stop, at least figure out on your own the difference between the things you can do with me and what you can do with someone else."

"You're not making any sense," Watanuki snapped. "If you're going to be annoying, then at least help me carry this out to Yuuko so you can actually earn the meal." He thrust some of the dishes into Doumeki's hands. "Who I talk to is none of your business."

Over the meal, Doumeki's anger only seemed to get worse. Watanuki wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing. An annoyed Doumeki, on one hand, may be too upset to worry about compensation and settling his debts. On the other hand, an annoyed Doumeki might just see the virtue of punishing Watanuki for his bad mood and whatever his talking to Keiichi-san had to do with it.

Watanuki stumbled nervously back to the hearth after they'd finished eating. Yuuko had been in the middle of telling a story when he'd walked out, so Doumeki hadn't been able to follow him. Maybe if he kept a low profile for the night, he would be able to avoid whatever it was that Doumeki had in mind.

To his dismay, Doumeki joined him in the room only a few minutes later. "Put down the dishes," he said quietly. His body looked frighteningly tense, as if he was about to spring forward at any moment.

"Why? If I don't clean these, Yuuko-"

"Put down the dishes," Doumeki repeated. "I'm not going to hold back anymore."

Watanuki nervously set down the dishes and lifted up his hands. "I don't know what your problem is, Doumeki, but-"

He never got to finish his sentence. As soon as the dishes were safely out of his hands, Doumeki grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and began to kiss him. At this point, they had kissed so many times that Watanuki had given up keeping count, but this particular kiss was unlike anything they'd ever done before. Doumeki was usually quite gentle, leaving him with a fleeting peck or else a kiss that finished as soon as Watanuki tried to pull away from him. But this time he crushed their bodies together, leaving no room for Watanuki to escape or for their hungry mouths to separate. Watanuki's eyes were squeezed tightly shut, but he thought that if he opened them, if he could see exactly what was happening to him, it would look very much like the passionate embraces he had seen exchanged between Kurogane and Fai or even Yuuko and Clow, whom he had often accidentally stumbled upon when he was younger.

_Wait,_ he scolded himself. _Kurogane and Fai. Yuuko and Clow. This isn't like them. We aren't a couple. Unless..._

Without warning, he felt Doumeki's tongue tease against his lips and then ease into his mouth, disrupting any further thought. Watanuki wanted it to feel disgusting. He wanted it to be a breaking point where he could at last push Doumeki away and tell him he had gone too far. But to his utter amazement and dismay, not a single thing about it was unappealing to him. Though the way his body had been forced into the wall was rough, the way Doumeki's mouth moved against him and his tongue tickled against his sensitive skin felt entirely sweet and deeply affectionate. He could already feel his knees giving out beneath him, and he grabbed instinctively for the first thing he could reach, which happened to be the front of Doumeki's robes.

Doumeki pulled away for a moment, but kept his face close. "Why...?" Watanuki started to say, his head feeling hazy. He didn't know what he should ask, or if instead of asking anything, he should yell and make sure Doumeki understood that in spite of how he was reacting, this was not at all something he had wanted. But his mouth didn't seem to know what to do now that it had been so overcome by someone else's. All he could do was sputter and wait for Doumeki to provide the context for what had happened, which was just as scary as trying to figure it out for himself was.

"That meal," Doumeki said, the breathless tone of his voice for some reason causing Watanuki's heart to pound even faster, "was the best thing I ever tasted. I want to thank you properly. Do you understand me?"

"I... I..." Words yet again failed him, and all he could do was nod.

When Doumeki's mouth met his a second time, he didn't think of the game the two of them were playing, one he had most likely been aware of from the very beginning. He simply accepted what he was given because he wanted it, knowing that this was the way balanced exchange was meant to be after all.

0o0o0o0o0o0

He came to his senses a little bit the next day. The meal he made this time would be the deciding factor. If it continued to be perfect, Doumeki would definitely take it as an indication that what had happened the day before was not only acceptable, but something Watanuki was actively working to make happen again. If it took a steep drop in quality, it would send a message loud and clear, one that would put a swift end to things for the both of them.

Watanuki stared down at the beginnings of the dinner he was preparing. If he served it the way it was now, it would be bland, unspectacular. His hands itched to grab some seasoning, but he held them back. This was a matter of pride, and he couldn't fold. _I can't be in love with him... I can't..._

His hand darted out and grabbed the seasonings he knew would work best with one another and added them to the food. "My hand slipped," he said for his own benefit. He pulled out the list he had written of the different foods he had been planning on making and added Doumeki's favorite dessert to the bottom. "And I accidentally added something else to the menu."

Watanuki shook his head. This was bad. After all his practiced denials, he wasn't even fooling himself anymore.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Another year passed. Watanuki knew it couldn't carry on anymore the passive way he had always let it unfold. The quality of his food was reaching a near legendary reputation, and his compensation was getting to the point where Doumeki was having a visibly difficult time reigning himself in. If it only continued to escalate, the next thing he knew, Yuuko would be walking in to find Doumeki in the middle of attacking him. He didn't exactly want it to stop, but he didn't see where it was supposed to go from here. Back when Kurogane and Fai had gotten married, Doumeki had sworn to do the same with him, but he had never mentioned it again since then, and Watanuki had been forced to think of it as one of his stupid deadpan jokes.

But before he could even think about what food he would make or build a fire to begin cooking the meal, Doumeki burst into the room and grabbed his hand. "Let's go," he said, pulling Watanuki forward.

"Why are you here so early? And where are you taking me?"

"We're going to talk to Yuuko."

"Why?"

"You'll see."

Yuuko was lying on her lounge when Doumeki brought them into the room, half-naked as she always seemed to be whenever someone needed to talk to her. She sat up slightly when Doumeki knelt down before her, but she said nothing to either of them and simply looked at them expectantly.

"Yuuko-san," Doumeki said. "I have something to request of you."

"Yes? I'm sure you know well enough by now that a price will be paid."

Doumeki nodded. "I want you to release Watanuki as your servant and give him to me."

"WHAT?" Watanuki yelped. "DON'T JOKE ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

"Watanuki, even you know he's not joking," Yuuko said drily. "If you would like to keep your job here with me, say so now. If not, I will proceed to answer Doumeki's request."

Watanuki opened and shut his mouth, but could not tell her to stop.

"Very well, then. Doumeki, for obvious reasons, it's quite a sacrifice on my part to give him up. It's been some time since I've had to live alone, and as you know, I've never even cooked a meal in my life..."

"We can still have our dinners here," Doumeki said firmly. Based on his reaction, Watanuki had to wonder if he'd prepared for this for quite some time. "And if you need, I can help pay for the ingredients."

"Hmm... not a bad offer. But perhaps there's something you can do to sweeten the deal? I know for a fact that your grandfather's vintage liquor collection is the best in the village..."

"You can have all of it. Except what I need for the shrine."

"All the liquor..." A devilish grin appeared on Yuuko's face as she licked her lips. "Now there's something I've never been known to refuse. But you do realize that Watanuki was like a son to Clow and I- an overworked and overly dramatic son, but a son all the same. I would like assurance that you will-"

"I will," Doumeki said. "I swear to you that beyond any other person, I will. And always have."

Yuuko remained silent for a moment as she assessed him, but her face soon broke into a wide smile. "You win!" she chirped, waving her hand in concession. "Enjoy your life together, you two. I'll make sure all of Watanuki's belongings make it to your rooms by tomorrow night."

"Thank you." Doumeki bowed lowly, then rose to his feet and grabbed Watanuki's hand again. "Let's go."

"But you said he would still make me dinner!" Yuuko pouted.

"Make Fai-san or Kohane-chan do it," Doumeki said. "For tonight, I want him to be all mine."

When they were outside, Watanuki tried to shake off his hand. "I can't believe you," he said tightly, though Doumeki's grip barely loosened. "You just bargained for me! You just bought me for DINNER AND ALCOHOL."

Doumeki stopped walking. "It couldn't be helped," he said softly. "You're important to Yuuko-san, and it would have been rude to leave her with absolutely nothing. But from here on out, you can go if you want to. You don't really belong to me yet. But I wanted to take the chance for you to become mine rather than leaving things as they are."

"Why?" Watanuki demanded.

"Because I love you."

"And you just expect me to go along with this?"

Doumeki stared at him. "Do you want to have this conversation here? If you would just come back with me, we could talk."

"But you'll..." Watanuki trailed off, imagining what the next step of Doumeki's "compensation" would be.

"Yeah, I will. If you let me."

Watanuki shuddered, but took two halting steps forward. "I'll talk to you," he said. "But I won't promise anything else."

"Okay."

Watanuki had never been to the place where Doumeki lived nearby the grounds of the shrine, but his room was more cramped than he was expecting it to be. Even if all they did was talk, they would still be pushed up together, uncomfortably close.

"Watanuki," Doumeki said, his voice verging on something like tenderness. "Since it's just the two of us, we can be honest."

"I'm always honest," Watanuki hissed, though he realized even as he said it that he was lying through his teeth. "I really don't want..." He trailed off, his second lie failing him.

"You had your moment to decide if you wanted this or not. And you passed it several times." Doumeki looked at him, and Watanuki thought he could see small traces of pain in his expression, in spite of its flatness. "This is something you won't confess to easily. You've gone along with it up until now because I gave you an excuse to. And if you need another excuse, that's fine."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"If you don't want people to know, you can tell them that I bribed Yuuko to take you away. That this wasn't something you wanted. It doesn't matter." He cupped Watanuki's face with his hands. "I am willing to do or say anything it takes to make you mine."

Watanuki stared at him, his heart plummeting oddly in his chest. This would be the last chance he would have, he realized, to ruin the meal and spoil everything. If he gave up now, he would still be free of Yuuko and able to move forward on his own. But in giving up and sparing his pride, he would lose something even greater and more essential than the very freedom he had so long desired. He was certain, though he doubted he would ever be able to say so in so many words, that he, too, was capable of doing and saying in his own way whatever it took.

"Tonight," Watanuki said, his voice coming out in a shaky mess, "I made you the best dinner I've ever made in my life. You liked it beyond anything you've ever tasted. And if you want to thank me for it, I... I won't say no."

"Okay," Doumeki said gently. "This is 'thank you,' then."

Watanuki knew that Doumeki was trying to show some restraint. Over the past few years, he had likely built up so much desire that had never until now found proper release. Watanuki was in some ways frightened by it, even though there was no reason to be. Doumeki was strong enough to keep himself firmly under control, easing Watanuki into his bed gently and patiently, and taking things step-by-step so as not to overwhelm him.

But Watanuki somewhat surprised himself in how much desire he, too, had held inside of himself. The slow way in which Doumeki kissed him and pulled off his clothes was torturous to him, and he wanted to tell him enough was enough and that if he wanted to release them both faster, he should just go on ahead. He was nowhere near honest enough to confess to such foolish emotions just yet, but he tried to show his intent in little ways, running his hands through Doumeki's hair and giving up trying so hard to hold back the reactions evident in his voice.

Doumeki trailed kisses down Watanuki's chest and ran his tongue into the dip of his belly button. His hands rested flat against the plane of his chest, slowly traveling down and feeling Watanuki's flushed skin with his palms. Unlike the farmers in the village, Doumeki's hands were smooth and gentle, and their touch felt so good as they traveled down Watanuki's stomach and waist and at last pulled open the bottoms of his robes that he could not stifle an alarmed groan at the pleasure they aroused. Doumeki froze, lifting his head and staring at Watanuki uncertainly.

"No?" he whispered, pulling his hands away. In spite of how desirous he looked, he seemed just as prepared to stop the exact moment Watanuki told him to and retreat back across the line they were crossing, even though doing so would hurt him.

Watanuki couldn't see how he could answer without sacrificing a little bit of his pride. He stayed still, waiting to see if Doumeki would resume on his own, but when he didn't, he hissed under his breath and muttered a terse, "I said... I wouldn't say no... to my compensation."

Doumeki's face flushed slightly, looking a bit more delirious than it had a moment earlier, which only made Watanuki all the more enthralled by it. "You're sure?" he asked, clearing his throat.

"Don't ask," Watanuki said. In a softer voice, he added, "Do you think I'd let you get this far if I wasn't sure, idiot?"

Doumeki's eyes widened, and Watanuki could tell that some of his tightly wound control was slipping. Before he knew what was happening, his legs were lifted and pinned against his torso, and Doumeki's fingers were inside of him, electrifying his tender skin.

Watanuki covered his face with his hands. He was certain that he had gone completely red, that his expression was showing something better left unseen.

"Don't," Doumeki said. "With this, I want all of you, even the things that embarrass you, to be something you can share with me."

Watanuki little by little pulled his hands away, gazing up into Doumeki's eyes. On the surface, they still looked vaguely expressionless, but it was amazing how much more he could read simply by looking closer, by trying to understand.

It was then that Doumeki pushed inside of him and the last of what little resistance was left collapsed. Watanuki understood why for all those years Doumeki had driven him further and further, and why he had let him, in spite all of the times he had tried to stop. This was what Doumeki had wanted, this poignant feeling of being joined to someone by love, to feel them being brought to such euphoric pleasure by you and then being brought to the exact same place by them. It was painful, and had it been anybody else but Doumeki within him, he wouldn't have accepted it without protesting. But the simple thought of having someone he desired inside of his body, seeking pleasure and release and fulfillment through him, soothed the discomfort and overcame it with a warm and encompassing excitement. _Why does there need to be a justification for this,_ Watanuki asked himself, though it took all of the effort he had to think rather than simply feel. _This is just what happens you find the person who was meant for your soul. For something like this, no excuse is needed._

But a distant part of him knew that he would be of a different mind the next morning when he woke up and had to confront the fact that Yuuko had most likely told everyone with ears that he and Doumeki were now lovers and may very well be heading down the same path that had made Kurogane and Fai's relationship so moving to everyone who knew them. He would struggle then, and regret that had been led around so perfectly and had allowed a relationship to unfold in spite of his better judgment. He would ask himself just what the hell he had been thinking, accepting a life as burdensome as this.

Even so, in that moment he was willing to let himself go and return what Doumeki gave him, enjoying the pleasure and the freedom to say "I love you" without wondering how weak it would make him look, how far away from his show of stubbornness it brought him. Even if he disguised it later, this was what he wanted. With their bodies joined together, moving in the purest harmony, he knew that Doumeki could see inside of him and realize that even if he hadn't been able to find the perfect excuse, this still would have been the only way and only place for him to be made as happy as he was.

0o0o0o0o0o0

Watanuki's hips were throbbing. For all his show of kindness the night before, Doumeki had told him in the morning that if they wanted to have breakfast, Watanuki was going to need to go out and buy some ingredients since Doumeki, like Yuuko, had never cooked a meal in his life. After skipping dinner, Watanuki was too starving just to simply wait in bed for food to magically appear before them. It didn't help matters that Doumeki had told him that if he wanted to linger around, that would give him all the go ahead he needed to initiate round four.

Trying to disguise his limp and rumpled appearance, Watanuki crept to the market, relying on his sun hat to keep his face obscured. But as his ill fortune would have it, Fai was leaving the market just as Watanuki was entering, and they nearly ran right into one another before managing to leap out of the way at the last minute.

"Watanuki-kun!" Fai said brightly.

Watanuki was a shade or two too exhausted to do more than mumble a polite hello. Fai, as always, looked overwhelmingly put together in one of his handmade kimono, and Watanuki was certain that anyone looking at the two of them would note the dramatic contrast of his sloppy appearance when placed up against Fai's radiance, and then immediately conclude what he had been doing with Doumeki last night. It made him all the more depressed to realize that Fai, given what Watanuki knew about him, had probably been doing the exact same thing with Kurogane, but had still been able to emerge from it looking as fresh and well-watered as a flower.

"So..." Fai continued, leaning forward conspiratorially. "Yuuko-san told me all about how Doumeki-kun swept you away like a prince from the house of a wicked witch last night. I knew he was going to do it sooner or later, but I was so happy to hear that you didn't resist him too much. However did Doumeki-kun manage it?"

_He bargained for me. It was like being forced to work for Yuuko all over again._

Watanuki opened his mouth to say it. Doumeki had given him permission to use that as his story, and there was no reason why he shouldn't take advantage of his willingness to be implicated. But for the very first time, Doumeki's compliance with his need for an excuse deeply saddened him. How could it be okay to be passed up time and time again by someone you loved, to be made light of and turned into an unfortunate and unavoidable outcome? Doumeki had put up with this for all of his life, never once complaining that Watanuki had made his love seem one sided for the sake of maintaining appearances and staying locked within the comfort of denial. And worse, he was willing to put up with it for as long as he lived for the simple reason that he wanted Watanuki to be his. _Why would anyone do something like that? Why would they accept happiness with such limiters left on it?_

_Because he loves me,_ Watanuki admitted to himself, tears pricking his eyes. _And because it's enough for him to know how I really feel, even if no one else does._

Watanuki cleared his throat, looking back at Fai's questioning smile. "Because I let him," he heard his voice saying without a trace of fear or shame. "That's all it is."

0o0o0o0o0o0

**A/N: **The finale will be up sometime next week. Stay tuned!


	23. Finale: To the Future

**A/N:** And with this, our story comes to an end. That being said: thank you so so much to anyone who read/favorited/reviewed/followed/glanced in the general direction of this story, since it's been one of my favorites thus far to write and share with you. It was quite the emotional journey given the subject matter, but I loved every second of it, and I'm happy with how it turned out. To anyone who's picking up the story now that it's complete, I hope you will still share your thoughts with me, since I want to keep writing for KuroFai, and the guidance will help me make my next fic better than ever. But for now, please enjoy our finale!

0o0o0o0o0o0o

**Finale: To the Future**

They had only spent two days in the latest world they landed in before Mokona's earring glowed, hurrying them forward yet again. It had been one of their more enjoyable experiences since they had begun their endless bouncing back and forth between worlds, and it had marked their first occasion of running into Fuuma since their departure from Nihon Country. They had all been a bit surprised to see the surly Kamui they had met in Tokyo at his side with no sign of Subaru anywhere near by, but a few well placed glares from Kamui had kept them from asking any further questions.

This time, Fai barely had a chance to catch a glimpse of his surroundings before face planting into a field of snow courtesy of Mokona's questionable drop-off skills. He was much more accustomed to the temperature than either of the other two, but it still stung a bit to feel the snow against the bare skin of his face. He groaned and tried to pick himself back up on his feet, but his hands slipped on a patch of slush and he ended up slamming his face into the ground all over again.

A strong hand grabbed him by the collar and hoisted him off the ground. "Oi," Kurogane yelled, swinging Fai's body around and thrusting his face in front of Mokona. "Look what you did, meat bun! If this guy gets a cold because of this, I'm going to make sure you never forget it!"

"Waiii, Kuro-myuu's scary!"Mokona giggled as Fai brushed the snow off his face. "Mokona will be more careful next time!"

"You say that every time, and yet you still dump us into the ocean whenever you feel like it." Kurogane dug his fingers through Fai's hair, sending all the flakes that had gathered there flying. "Just because you're a tiny little meat bun doesn't mean I won't stretch that face of yours off."

"You know, they say idiots don't catch cold," Fai said with a smile, doing his best to soothe Kurogane's temper. "I'm not too worried. Besides, I feel rather at home in the snow."

"Yeah, well, you'd better be right about that. We don't need you sniveling around anymore than you already do."

Fai snorted. Kurogane always did his best to sound like he didn't care around Syaoran and Mokona, but there was no disguising that soft look of concern which passed over his face.

"The layout of this field is familiar,"Syaoran said. While Mokona and Kurogane bickered, he had knelt down to brush away some of the snow beneath him to examine the ground. "The crops are gone since it's winter, but you can tell that this is the kind of farmland made for growing rice. I still remember the time I worked in a place like this, in the world we went to after Tokyo."

Fai suddenly snapped to attention, finally wriggling out of Kurogane's tight grip on his cloak. "Is it the same place?" he asked, taking a closer look at the landscape.

It was hard to see anything distinguishing to it thanks to the cover of snow over everything, but he thought that the houses looked similar to the one where they had stayed. His mind immediately filled with thoughts of the Kurogane he had met there, the man he had treated so coolly in spite of being moved by the way in which he treasured his soul. Fai regretted his words and the actions he had taken at that time, and dearly wished to apologize for them after at last accepting his own love for the Kurogane at his side. But more than anything, he wished to thank the older man for opening his eyes to the path to a future he had assumed was impossible to obtain. He had always believed his fate would head down the singular track Fei Wang Reed had set it upon, but the two Kuroganes had played a role in changing that future; one by showing him a glimpse of a life where he had been able to love and find happiness with Kurogane even through his sorrow, and the other by loving and protecting him until he was strong enough to return the love equally and with all his heart.

"I can't tell," Syaoran admitted. "But it does look like there's only the one path here, just like in the world we stayed in."

"We should find a place to stay and worry about that later," Kurogane said. "You're all going to catch colds."

"Kuro-daddy is such a worrywart," Fai teased. "But I don't see anyone we could ask. They're all being smart and staying indoors."

"What about that guy over there?"

They glanced over to where Kurogane pointed. A young, slender man with tawny hair and spectacles was dragging some firewood further down the path where a considerably larger house than all the others stood.

Syaoran's mouth fell open. "Isn't that... Fujitaka-san?"

"Sakura-chan's father?" Fai asked, tilting his head. "We don't know him as well as you do, so you would know better than us. Does it look like him?"

"Yes. Just like him, but younger."

"Well, you seemed to look up to him quite a bit, so I think he might help us out." Fai cupped his hands over his mouth. "Ya-ho!"

The man turned around, looking quite a bit surprised to see three people standing in the barren fields. "May I help you?"

"We're travelers from another country," Syaoran explained, quickly noting the odd look their clothes were receiving. "Is there anywhere we can stay and rest?"

"There's no inn here, but as the landowner, I gladly accept any travelers who pass through into my own home." He extended a hand. "I'm Fujitaka Reed."

"As in Clow Reed?" Fai murmured under his breath. Fujitaka looked up excitedly as soon as the name left his lips.

"That's the name of a distant relative of mine! I never met him, but he was the one who owned this land a few generations back. When he died, he passed it on to the woman he was in love with... Yuuko, I think her name was... and she passed it down to her old cook, Kimihiro Watanuki. Watanuki-san didn't have any children, so he tried to learn more about the Reed family so he could put it back in our hands. And that's how he found me." Fujitaka smiled brightly. "My last name really isn't Reed, but I picked it up after I inherited the house. Everyone still calls it the Reed family manor, so I thought it was fitting."

"Forgive me if this is an odd question," Fai said, "but do you happen to know of anyone in this village named Kurogane?"

Syaoran and Kurogane both turned to him in surprise. Neither of them had met Kurogane-san when they were in the village, but Fai still remembered vividly their encounter, and how foolish he had been back in those days towards the man who had so deeply treasured a manifestation of his soul. He had always wanted to apologize, but they had never been brought back to the village until now, and Fai had started to give up hope that they would ever meet again.

"Kurogane... Kurogane..." Fujitaka mumbled as he racked his brain. "That name does strike me as familiar. I know there's a headstone for someone by that name nearby Clow and Yuuko-san's, but I think there's one other detail I'm forgetting..."

"Jeez, that's morbid," Kurogane shuddered. "Did you really need to bring that up?"

"Excuse me?"

"His name is Kurogane-san, too," Syaoran explained. "I'm Syaoran, by the way. And that's Fai-san."

"Fai-san?" Fujitaka snapped his fingers, his face lighting up. "Fai-san! That's it! Fai-san the kimono maker!"

Fai blinked in confusion. "Huh?"

"It all happened before I came to the village, but I know the story fairly well. A few years ago, one of the former field hands named Kurogane-san passed away, willing all his money to fund scholars of medicine in the capital. Since he was just a farmer, it wasn't all that much, but there were so many beautiful kimono left behind by his spouse, Fai-san, that there was enough money to build an entire school in the city after they were sold. Anyone who goes through that school thinks of Fai the kimono maker and Kurogane the farmer as their benefactors." Fujitaka pursed his lips, looking back and forth between Kurogane and Fai. "Fai-san also has a headstone in the graveyard, right beside Kurogane-san's. I would say it's a coincidence that you share their names, but I know that there is no such thing as coincidence in this world. I'm sure there's a greater meaning that I simply do not understand."

Kurogane leaned down a little bit to whisper in Fai's ear. "Oi," he said. "Does this have something to do with what you were telling me that one time back in Nihon? This was the place where he lived?"

Fai nodded. "I'm sure of it. I wonder how much time has passed? The lifespan must be somewhat shorter for the people in this village, but still..." He swallowed. "I would have still liked to apologize."

Kurogane sighed deeply. "Oi, megane-kun," he said, pointing to Fujitaka. "You can take the kid up to the house and we'll join you later. Where's this graveyard you're talking about?"

"Follow the path until the fields end. Before it leads down to the river, there will be a little patch of land to the right where the dead are buried. All of the stones are rather small, so you'll have to look carefully."

"All right." Kurogane plucked Mokona off his shoulder and plunked him down into the hood of Syaoran's cape. "We'll be just a few minutes."

Taking Fai's hand, he led him down the path, waiting for the fields to level off and reveal a small, snow-covered graveyard. "You don't have to do this," Fai said, trying to keep his tone light. "It is kind of morbid, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is. But it's real life. It won't hurt to pay a visit."

They scanned the graves for a bit before coming upon a familiar name. Yuuko and Clow were near the front of the rows, their graves side by side even though the small characters denoting the span of their lives were separated by about thirty-five years. Doumeki and Watanuki were also nearby, though their headstones looked newer, as if they had only recently been added.

"Hey," Kurogane said suddenly, pointing. "Wasn't that your brother's name?"

"Yui..." Fai brushed snow off the headstone. "No. That was my name, remember? But perhaps it was never meant to belong to me, after all. It seems that every time we see him again, I have his name and he has mine. And he's always more than welcome to have it." Fai's eyes traveled down the row. "But if my brother's here, that must mean..."

"Ah," Kurogane said. Their eyes had fallen upon the graves at the exact same time. Directly to the right of Yui's was one that bore Fai's name, and the one beside it was marked with Kurogane's. The dates indicated that Kurogane had passed fourteen years after Fai, and judging from the dates on Doumeki and Watanuki's headstones, several years still had passed since then. Quite a bit more time had gone by than Fai had thought; he could still remember Kurogane-san saying when they'd met that it had been ten years then since Fai's death.

"Fourteen years," Kurogane said gruffly. "A short amount of time for the universe, but it must have felt like a lifetime."

Fai looked up at Kurogane and nodded. He couldn't help but wonder if this would one day happen to him. The magic in his body guaranteed him a long life, and thanks to the amount of time he had spent frozen in the tower, it had already extended many years past Kurogane's. Would he be the one left waiting in this lifetime? Would he be able to go on fourteen years or longer, or would it be too great a pain for him to bear? He was certain he had managed to shave off years from his life back when he'd been left with the one eye which had depleted his strength, and he had done his best not to use too much magic when his full sight had been restored, but would such meager efforts be enough to avoid the sadness of this fate?

"Stop thinking," Kurogane said sharply. "You don't know what will happen any more than I do."

"I know that, but still-"

"I know." Kurogane lifted his cloak from one shoulder and wrapped it around Fai's so they were pressed closely together. "But you'll only destroy yourself all over again if you think too much about it. Is it too much for you to simply enjoy the life we have without killing yourself over the exact moment it will end?" He grabbed Fai's chin and lifted it up. "But the thing is, it won't end. I hated listening to the witch and all her bullshit, but she was right about that."

"Kuro-sama?"

"The souls of these two people finally reunited, right? In that case, I'm sure they were reborn, and are now on some other world finding each other again. You're probably acting like a brainless idiot, and I'm probably for whatever reason still putting up with it."

Fai's breath caught. How could he have forgotten? He was exposed to new worlds time after time, and so often he saw familiar faces side-by-side. Touya and Yukito, Arashi and Sorata, Ashura and Yasha, Doumeki and Watanuki, Subaru and Seishirou, and even himself and Kurogane were always, always still together. No matter how fleeting life was, the soul was eternal, always finding a new way and place to live again.

"Why are you crying?" Kurogane asked gently, brushing Fai's tears away. "Isn't that a happy thing?"

"A very happy thing," Fai sobbed. "The most beautiful thing there is."

"Then don't cry in front of them. Let them live happily, too."

They sat there for a little longer, watching the snow accumulate on the headstones, slowly obscuring the names. "Kuro-tan," Fai said, at last wiping his eyes. "That house where Fujitaka-san lived looked pretty big, didn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Big enough to where he wouldn't have to give us the same room as Syaoran-kun."

"Probably."

"Then in that case, I would like to be with Kuro-tan tonight. If that's also what he wants."

"That goes without saying." Kurogane rose to his feet and helped Fai to his. "Did you say your goodbyes?"

"No," Fai said, shaking his head. "I don't want to say goodbye. Because what would truly make me happy is getting another chance to say hello."

Kurogane smiled at him and ruffled his hair, and together they made their way down the path, to a future of their own.

0o0o0o0o0o0o

_It was the hottest day of the summer, and Kurogane was stuck outside. It was his own fault for letting the brat next door, Tomoyo, bribe him with all of her considerable monthly allowance into driving and chaperoning her and her little friend Sakura on a "date" to an outdoor mall. If only he hadn't been so strapped for cash, he would have been able to spend the day indoors, enjoying all of the many benefits of air conditioning or taking a long cold bath. It wasn't as if the mall was particularly interesting, anyways; Sakura and Tomoyo had spent the beginning of their day looking over posters of the top female idols so Tomoyo could sketch their dresses to create for Sakura, and then they had managed to shake him off after lunch with the promise that they would meet him again in an hour._

_Kurogane grimaced at the empty water bottle in his hands. He'd long since finished it off, and when he'd tried to refill it with water from a drinking fountain, it had ended up tasting tepid and disgusting. He was getting thirsty and overheated, but he wasn't in the mood to spend a portion of the money Tomoyo had given him on the overpriced drinks the mall was selling. There was a small cart selling sno cones at a discount a little ways away, but he was still debating whether or not he should indulge in such a childish treat to shake off the heat for a few minutes._

_"Waaaa, I can't take this anymore!"_

_Kurogane glanced up in surprise. The loud exclamation had come from a young man who was nearby the vendor Kurogane was dawdling at. His body was angled away from Kurogane, but Kurogane could see his hair was a natural white-blonde, a rarity for the area, and that his body was lanky and incredibly long through the limbs. For some reason, he couldn't stop staring that the damp places on the guy's back where his white t-shirt latched on to his skin, hugging him closely. He couldn't put his finger on why he thought so, but it looked kind of sexy, in a way. He had never thought that about anyone before, so it startled him a bit when he couldn't look away._

_The guy had a wrinkled pamphlet in his hands, which he fanned himself with every few seconds. Kurogane squinted to read it: it was for an exhibition put on by a kimono collector that had taken place at an art gallery down the street. He'd heard about it from his mother, who had gone the other day with Tomoyo and her family. Apparently, there had been pieces from pretty far back which had miraculously survived over the years, and his mother had commented that the history behind some of the kimono had been surprisingly interesting._

_"Ah!" the guy suddenly chirped. "Sno cones!" Clearly, he had cried out because of the heat, which was bothering him as well. Unlike Kurogane, he didn't think through the purchase. He pulled out his wallet and immediately began digging up change and heading towards the cart._

Might as well do it, too_, Kurogane thought to himself, getting in line behind the blonde. He was pretty sure his decision was made because of the unbearable heat, and not in order to get a better look at the person in front of him._

_The guy (who had his long bangs pinned back with a flowered clip and smelled faintly of lavender, Kurogane observed when he was closer) ordered the biggest cone available and dyed it red with cherry flavoring. He was just about to step aside when Kurogane was beset by a sudden tickle in his throat and started coughing, and instead whirled around to make sure he was all right. It was then that Kurogane got a good look at his eyes. They were not a bright blue, but rather pale, a blue that seemed cool enough to make Kurogane forget about the heat and everything else other than the beautiful person standing in front of him._

What is this? I don't even know this guy_, Kurogane thought to himself, but somehow there seemed to be something familiar in the eyes that gazed at him. It was hard to explain it. It felt, all at once, like a well-traveled feeling of comfort settled over him- the comfort one feels when they are finally able to come home- and that somehow, inexplicably, his world was at that very moment just beginning._

_The other person seemed to be reacting equally. His hands were shaking so badly that half of his sno cone slid off to the ground, and his beautiful blue eyes dampened with tears. He lifted a hand up to brush away their wetness. "I'm sorry," he said, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks. "I don't know why I'm-" He stopped short, noticing the frozen ice melting at his feet. "Oh."_

_Kurogane released a long suffering sigh, hoping that his gruffness would undo whatever intimate atmosphere had arisen between them. "I was the one that startled you. I'll buy you a new one." He dug out some change and passed it along._

_"I don't know if startled is the right word for it," the guy said with a sheepish smile. "It's more like… well, I feel as if I know you from somewhere. Have we met?"_

_Kurogane lifted an eyebrow._

_"I'm not trying to pick you up. Maybe. I mean, I don't react this way every time I see a hot guy, nee?"_

_He bought another cone and turned back to Kurogane. "I like your face Mr. Guy-in-Black," he said. "You've got beautiful eyes."_

_"It's Kurogane."_

_"Close enough. Kuro-tan, then. I'm Fai, by the way." He leaned closer. "Hey, do you believe in soulmates?"_

_"KUROGANE!" he yelled. His mother had named him after the founder of the massive medical school she had gone to in Tokyo, and it held so much sentimental value for her that he hated whenever anyone tried to toy with it. "And if you want to talk, stop sounding like you're trying to pick me up!"_

_Fai laughed. "But I think I definitely want to now!" His face turned serious for a moment. "All the same, I think my soul is very excited that I got to see you. That might sound weird, but that's the feeling I have at the moment. If Kuro-tan isn't busy, maybe he could walk with me for awhile?"_

_Kurogane didn't say anything, but when Fai began to step forward, he snorted and fell in line with him. He didn't know much about soulmates or the possibility that this was not the first time he had laid eyes on this person named Fai, but he felt that in the depths of his soul that he, too, had found his way to the very beginning of something that had always been waiting for him, time and time again._

0o0o0o0o0o0o


End file.
